Birthday!

My birthday was on Saturday. Since my kids have fifth's disease we mostly just hung out at home. But since they have their rashes they aren't contagious anymore. So we went ahead and went bowling and just tried to keep them from being in close proximity to other people. Even though they aren't contagious, I've still kept them home from church and school because they look like they got in a fight with a swarm of killer bees.

I am so excited to be done with work, but I am moving so slowly! I think I just got used to pretending I didn't work anymore and liked that life better :)

Also, I get very distracted when we talk about all the fun places we want to move. We've talked about:

1) Sydney, Australia:

Pros:

1) Another country with lots of culture (that's the #1 thing we're going for. Just, change. . . .)

2) Their dollar is $.94 of our dollar ;)

3) Warm! Should make the joints feel good.

4) Surrounded by water, we can swim OFTEN, another plus for joints

5) Plane tickets are only $500.

 

Cons:

1) 19 hour Plane ride. . .

2) Snakes

3) Home to hundreds of species of sharks

4) no Disneyland in driving distance ;) But I suppose if we only go for a year we'll live.

 

Dublin, Ireland

 

Pros:

1) We've already been and know WE LOVE IT

2) we would rent or buy a condo where we stayed last time because it was in a perfect location: walking distance to DART and train, walking distance to St. Stephen's Green, Trinity College, and three different fabric stores ;)

3) Speak English, sort of. Ha!

4) easy to navigate, no vehicle necessary

 

Cons:

1) Expensive plane tickets

2) Rent is a tad bit expensive

3) Chilly all year long

4) RIGHT in the middle of the city. We were in a nice quiet place, but I was sometimes concerned about muggings or middle of the night craziness.

 

Cork, Ireland

Pros:

1) A little less crazy than Dublin

2) No car required

3) A little less expensive than Dublin

4) Lots of fabric stores :)

5) bike friendly

 

Cons:

1) Plane ticket cost

2) Overcast all the time

3) Chilly

4) 2 hour train ride from airport

 

 

In another post I'll talk about other places we're considering

1) London, England, 2) Oxford, England, 3) Bath, England 4) The Channel Islands (dream. . . )

 

 

 

Fifth's disease

Josh and Miriam are home from school because they have fifth's disease. Crappidy crap!

All day today we've been talking about what the next thing we will cross off our bucket list will be. Drum roll, please. . . . .

We are going to hike a 14 day hike in the Alps. From Chamonix to Zermatt and probably a short few day hike on the Matterhorn.

They advise that you know German or French. I already speak conversational French and will try to teach the kids and we will be learning German. We are going to give ourselves four years to prepare physically, financially and. . . verbally, I guess you would say. . . ???  We're going to do one several day long hike a year to prepare and several shorter challenging hikes in the weeks between.

We are also taking four years to prepare so our kids can get older. Ha!

Garren is also closing in on taking over to his bosses practice at which time we can both work remotely. We are toying with the idea of living in another country. But I would likely have to homeschool if we planned on only being there for a year or two and I just don't know if I have the patience for that. And we would definitely going to limit ourselves to an English speaking country.

Life is so fun! I am having so much fun living my adventures with Garren and my kids!

I am so grateful that I have a successful business that will help us live out our dreams and am grateful for all my business knowledge that I gained from the best of the best: my dad and professor Ellessy! Couldn't have asked for better business mentors.

I love my life and I love planning fun adventures way in the future. It gives us something to focus on each day we live until that moment. Each day we have something to think about and something to focus our efforts on. So fun!

They wanted me to go to rehab. . . .

So I have been spending lots of time every day asking myself questions like, "How can I be a better mom, sister, daughter, friend?" etc. . . . And then acting on my answers. I finally feel like a whole person again. A person that has something to offer others. A person who can help and be there for others.

. . . . and I finally feel like I have reconnected with my old self, my more talented self, in tune self, productive self, etc. When I got married I feel like I lost myself completely. I became self conscious, I became a people pleaser. I became. . . someone else. A lesser person. But in trying to rehabilitate, I have found a way to live in the present. And it has been liberating. And living in the present keeps you from focusing too much on who others want you to be or what you think might be better. And you are forced to be whoever you are!

I forgot how much I loved life before I was married. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I don't like my married life. I just don't like who I became after I got married. I had so much love and zest for life and I have found that again!

My long lost love and talent has been writing. The last time I saw my grandmother was in May of this year. As I was leaving her house, she grabbed me by the arms, firmly, and said, "Melissa, it's time for you to write your Harry Potter." Every once in a while I'd think about that and just think, "Nah, that was another life, another time. . . " Every once in a while I would sit down to write a story. It was good writing and all, but it just wasn't "my story." I kept shutting myself down and saying, "This isn't MY story." But it finally happened. I found my story. I am quitting the window treatments business and I am going to write my book. Well, books, actually. It's going to be a series.

My last day of work should be about December 16th, give or take a few days. And then I am going to start writing. I can hardly wait.

As a student of Orson Scott Card's, he promised us that he would always consider our writing for publishing. He teaches at SVU in the Spring, and I hope to get a meeting with him next semester to discuss my ideas with him and have him be my mentor.

I am loving everything happening in my life right now. I will be running in Ragnar WV Appalachian in June, I am running a 5k at Disneyland with my husband and kids in January. My business is extremely successful and currently employing seven women!  My children are thriving in school and are successful in everything they pursue.

I was supposed to be done with work this week, but I started living life like I already quit :) We went camping, then to Busch Gardens, then I went to Las Vegas to help my mother in law empty her condo, and we have just been doing TONS of stuff together as a family. I am really loving life right now.

For a long time I wasn't living in the present. I was letting things that happened in the past get to me. I let my temple recommend expire because I didn't want to be sealed to Laymons. But I met with my stake president and he taught me a little more about how sealings work and who exactly I am sealed to. While that brought me some relief, I also found a great dal of peace within myself just by committing myself to live in the present. And I have been feeling a great deal of peace and comfort in my life. And so. . . . . drum roll. . . . . I have half a temple recommend! ;) I have one more interview to go. Then, after three years, I will finally be able to enter the temple again. I didn't want to go because I always had negative thoughts and feelings about my husband's family. But I am finally at peace because I realize how much it doesn't matter when you just live in the present. Nothing that happened affects what is going on right now at this second, so it doesn't matter. It's been great because I ask myself every day, several times a day, what can I do today to be a better sister? And when I think of them I feel good feelings, genuine feelings, and positive peaceful feelings. I asked myself that one day and was prompted to purchase a dress from his sister's small business to promote and uplift her. I know that when I return to the temple that I will be able to go in there and I will think about each and every one of his family members and feel love and peace.

I am so excited to get started on my book. It's going to take a long time, though. I have to create an entire world with events, leaders, a history, a society before I can even begin. But I am excited to do it. I think it will change lives!!

On a sadder note, the husband of a former college roommate died last Sunday and it has had me in a funk. Then my kids' babysitter's grandson die on Monday. Then I made plans yesterday to attend the murder trial of an SVU girl who is presumed to have been murdered by her husband. Such is life.

I'm loving life right now! I love my family! I wish my mom would get back into the swing of things after my grandma's passing and join my fun! And I wish my husband's siblings would choose to live in the present so we can all move forward and be a part of each other's lives again. But, that isn't happening right now, so I guess I'll just keep going. Just keep asking myself every day how I can be a better daughter, a better sister. And then do it.

Going Private

Hi all,

I am going to be posting a lot of pictures of my children, especially from the wedding last weekend and our trip to San Diego and Placentia, CA. And our upcoming trips this summer. So I am going to set my blog to private from now on. Facebook me or email me your email adresses please. I know those who couldn't make it to the wedding are wanting to see the girls dresses! I'm going to post tonight.

Yah, right.

So I fired everyone in the fall thinking I was going to slow down on work. I have failed miserably at accomplishing this.

In addition to my one seamstress that I kept I have added two seamstresses, one to do roman shades and one to do lined curtains, and an assistant. We are currently a team of five, but I think I'd like to get one more for all the "filler" orders we get on the website. The website brings in tons of unlined standard rod pocket curtains. I think I'd like someone for all those. And pillow covers, maybe. When I decided to slow down on work there were 11 of us! I think 6 would be a good number. 11 was a lot to manage.

Last time it was hard because I would correct everyone's mistakes. But this time I think I am going to require that the mistakes be fixed by the seamstress and doc the shipping cost for the return from their pay for that project. That is in our new contract. I like having my assistant, Cyndie, because everyone can just tell her on our private FB page when an order is complete, etc and then Cyndie sends along the instructions, shipping notifications, etc. I don't have to do any of it! And when a client wants an update Cyndie can ask them via the FB page and I don't have to deal with all that. Having Cyndie makes it more like I'm just another subcontractor. it's nice. I think this is going to be good.

My friend is a film maker and doing his first solo project. The business is going to fund one of the two short films and in exchange he is going to credit the business as the producer of the movie and we will be on IMDB, mentioned at all the press events and be written everywhere like on the signs for production, etc and it will be in the credits and mentioned at the Sun Dance film festival and whatever other film festivals his movies get into. He is also going to do a few commercials for our business. He's going to be doing a commercial as well (aside from one for my business) that he said he might be able to use me for! He said it would have children in it and I'm trying to convince him now to use my kids :) It's so fun to have such talented friends! I seriously am so proud of so man of my friends for getting out there and making things happen! My kids and I get to go to the film set at the end of May. We're very excited.

I told him in the future we'd be happy to design sets for him as far as decor goes. He said he'd definitely use the business! We're super excited. This is huge! So much for slowing down, right? Holy crap! I told him if he'd make me a part of his team I'd move to Florida. Garren is taking over one of his partners jobs that he can do remotely. So I told him my friend to get well known by 2015 and I'll move to Orlando. Garren said he isn't wild about the idea of hurricaines, but that he would go if I got the job.

I'm just so thrilled! And I love that my business is helping mom's with young kids stay in their homes instead of leaving the home to work. I just love everything about it! I couldn't say that last year. You see, I always felt inspired about everyone I hired. And when my own sisters turned on me after I felt inspired to hire them I just couldn't deal with that. It was just like, why would God want me to hire them if they were just going vomit their selfishness all over me? But I understand now that I did what I was supposed to do and they are responsible for their own behavior and made their own choices. God didn't have anything to do with it. And of the eleven other people I've worked with and felt inspired to hire I've never had anyone else treat me as poorly as them. Everyone has been very grateful. So I am glad I am in a good place now where I can be happy with what I am doing and take pride in the fact that we are helping moms stay at home with their kids. One of the girls I hired this week is a rehire. She's super smart and will leave us in the fall to teach physics at randolph college. But in the mean time it will be great o have her back! She's good at everything she does!

And we will also be getting back into our sponsor families. We stopped in January while I tried to figure out switching over completely to the website. So many good things coming from this. I'm so excited.

I have such talented friends and family! I'm so happy for everyone! I'm excited about singing next month with my friend from Write This Down. Though I haven't sang in many years and told him I'll probably emberass him. So excited! So many great things happening this year! I just love it! And I love that I get to take my kids along for all of it! ANd they even get to be a part of it!

Her?

This morning as I spent some time meditiating and pndering on improving myself I reflected on a time when I felt I was at my best. I was a righteous member of the church, an example to everyone and was able to find balance in living this lifestyle without coming across as self-righteous or "holier than thou." I hope to be able to achieve this again!

I was a sophomore in high school and had gone to a dance. There was a guy that wanted my phone number, so I gave it to him. We talked a few times on the phone and he came to my house once. He tried to kiss me! I made it clear that I didn't want to talk to him anymore because I didn't want to give him the wrong impression. This upset him.

He was a Junior at my high school. The following Monday he started to spread rumors that he had sex with me over the weekend. A few of my friends told me about this rumor and I wasn't worried about a thing. The responses he got from every person he told was, "Melissa Butler? She wouldn't do that." And other responses like, "You wish!" I had developed a reuptation of modesty and chastity. It was so reassuring to me that I could just allow my reputation to speak for itself. I didn't have to defend myself because everyone already knew what I stood for and knew that his false rumors would not last long. Everyone seemed to know me and knew that I would never! And with each person that he told he looked more and more like an idiot because my reuptation and the way I carried myself and portrayed myself spoke louder than any lie said about me.

I hope to develop a strong reputation again. I want everyone to know who I am, what I am and what I will do. And it want it all to be good and righteous.

I still laugh to this day about those rumors. I laughed the first time I heard them. My best friend told me and she even laughed as she told me knowing that it wouldn't even phaise me to hear such things.

Live a life that speaks for itself. I did not have to defend myself or clarify any rumors because my reputation spoke for itself. I hope to teach my children this as well. It made getting through high school and warding off the evils of the world much easier when I had taken a great deal of time and invested it in my self worth and my values. I think it's the only way our young people will get through this world in this generation and the generations to come.

A Spiritual Giant

As I make my own personal progress I have been reflecting a great deal on who I want to become, how I want to be seen and observed. Thinking on how to accomplish these things I often reflect on where I came from. I have felt inspired to write these experiences and stories as I think of significant events in my life that have made me. . . me!

Now, I come from a long line of story telling people and have been warned continually by my mother that no one cares to hear our stories as much as we think they do :) And I have often heard my brother say, "You have two ears and one mouth. You should do twice as much listening as you do talking." But I wanted to record these stories as they were small yet significant moments in my life.


When I was in my youth I would often seek council from my father when I felt troubled by something. My dad was a busy man being a father to four children, a partner in his accounting firm, and a dedicated member of our ward and stake always willing to help those in need at a moment's notice. I found the best time to talk to him would be in the evenings before he or I would go to bed. One night I went to his room and he was praying. I came back 30 minutes later and he was still on his knees.

Later that week I was still bothered by something going on at school. So I went to his room again to tell him about it. I found him there on his knees, praying. I came back an hour later this time thinking that would be sufficient time to say a prayer and her was still there!

I thought, "Wow! My dad is a spiritual giant! Maybe all I need to do for help with this problem is to pray." So I did that. I prayed and after five minutes I felt I was done. I decided to keep going and going and when I started expressing thanks for each blade of grass and hair on my head I decided I needed to close the prayer.

When my mom came home from work the next day I asked her what dad prays about for hours every night. I told her that I had tried very hard and couldn't seem to pray longer than 10 minutes. Mom told me that dad suffers from Narcolepsy and it is very likely that he was asleep before the prayer began.

:)

Even if he really was sleeping it was observing him in the action of prayer that was so significant. It stuck with me and 15 years later I still think about my dad on his knees for hours. And sometimes I think there may have been nights when he didn't fall asleep. And that he actually prayed for hours. My dad's example to me helped me get through many hard times in my high school life. And I am glad he got on his knees to pray even when he likely knew he'd fall asleep there. :) I hope to tell him some day soon that the small action of prayer made a huge impact on the rest of my life.

Closing

I wanted to give myself a week before I officially considered this chapter of my life closed.

It has been a great week. I feel like I have rediscovered myself. It was especially apparent to me on maybe Monday or Tuesday. I started to see everyday things a little differently. I walked upstairs from my basement, which I do several times a day, but this time I looked around my house and started to feel a little pride. I wanted to keep in nice and do some work on my house and felt pride as a home owner. On another occasion I felt the urge to go hiking! I finally felt like a human being! I hadn't felt a desire to go out hiking or camping in a long time.

When you feel hatred toward someone it consumes you. If you have hate inside of you there is no room for anything else.

I felt hate toward my husband's two sisters because I felt that if his family didn't love me then he couldn't possibly. I wrote about this a little in my last post. When I had written about it I hadn't yet talked about my feelings with Garren. So I went to him and explained how I felt. He got huge eyes and said that was absurd. And I explained that I felt for a long time that he was on their side purely because they were his sisters. And he said to me that anyone who has every heard my story knows that they are the ones that were wrong. He explained the only thing they have against me is that I said stuff on FB. Anything I said to them did not justify their abominable behavior. And he reminded that Bishop wanted to contact his sister's bishop because she was clearly wrong but that we chose not to go that route because she doesn't posses the intellect to understand that what she did was a horrible thing and she does not and never will possess the brain power to understand the lasting affect her actions had on my family. Knowing that it is physically impossible for her to understand we decided to not inform the bishop. As for the other sister, the same thing applies. She does not possess any sort of brain power to understand the repercussions of her actions and decisions. Furthermore, they act out of spite and behave very childishly. He reminded me how I explained to them that people don't google "Red and Black" and expect to get a crossfit wristband, referring to their new business. People google wristband, find a source, then choose from the options. But they don't listen to anyone who knows what they are talking about. And even when they know the other person is right they behave childishly and do the opposite out of spite. Headed to a fourth failed business venture. Doesn't hurt me not to take the advice! And it was in reminding of that that Garren was able to clear my mind of its doubt. They truly don't know. I have to look at them like little children who don't understand things and you can't punish children for doing something that they didn't understand was wrong. And since they behave like children and don't have the brain power or intellect of an adult I have to look at the situation as though they are little children.

As for my husband, I have never been more confident. I always felt like he would choose his family over me in a heart beat whether they were right or wrong. And he made it very clear to me that he is with me. He did make it clear that he loves his family very much, but in this case, he was with me and abhors their actions and behavior toward me. I have never felt more confident in my marriage. Even all this time when he would tell me he was with me I just felt like he wasn't really. But now that I can see things more clearly I see that he has been with me the whole time. I feel like the hate made a cloud in my mind and that I can see clearly now that I have omitted it from my life.

And you know what? It's a beautiful world out there. I'm so glad to finally be rid of it. To live again. I can't say it enough. If you have hate in you there will not be any room for anything else.


It has taken me six months to complete this process. But now that I can look back on it I can see why it takes that long. I see that there are steps to this process and that it isn't something that can happen all at once. It is amazing how the Lord works and this experience is further testament that he knows me as an individual and that this process was specially designed for me, what I could tolerate and handle and what I needed to experience to grow and reach my full potential and to use the atonement to fullest extent for the first time in my life. What an amazing journey. I could have decided to dwell further in my hatred for them. But I didn't. That Sunday in November I stood in front of my congregation and announced that I was choosing my family, my Lord, my God. And sometimes I felt like it would be impossible to overcome. But I stuck with it and was determined and I have come to now where I feel like I can finally say that I am done. This chapter of life has been a significant one. In this one chapter of my life I have been at my absolute worst and at my best. I hope to only become better each day and with each new chapter.

But for now, I am done and I close this section of my life. I am putting it behind me. And for once I can truthfully say that I am grateful it happened. I think I am a better person than I have ever been in my life and I know it's because of the atonement of Jesus Christ. There is no other means on earth by which we can be made whole for the things we do to other people and the abominable wrong s they commit against us.

I have had a lot of great experiences this week. I am finally getting the connections in my head that I have been wanting for so long. I think I am in the final phase of my "recovery."

I felt really good after having my experience with the atonement. I really felt like I could never feel sad about my husband's family again. But there were a few nights last week when I was just overcome wondering why I am the target for his sister that used to work for me.

Garren hates it when I talk to him about his family. Something happened last week, and it really wasn't a big deal, but it bothered me a tiny bit. He noticed and asked me what was up. But since he just shuts down when I bring up his family all I did was hand him my phone with this condescending email. He read it and said, "When stupid people open their mouths they regurgitate crap." And I think this made the ultimate connection that I needed. I definitely wasn't expecting it and never thought this would have been the problem. But this whole time it's been about Garren.

I kept wondering why these two people were having such a profound effect on my life. Especially because they don't add anything to my life, nor have they ever. They've never had any significance in my life. So finally in the middle of the night last week I was pinning some roman shades and just stopped, sat down on the stool at my work table, put my head in my hands and I prayed, "Why is this happening to me? Why are these two people having this dramatic of an effect on my life?" And I finally got my answer.

I have always felt that I have been second to Garren's family with him. I have always felt that he would choose them in a heart beat over me. The answer and connection I got to my prayer is that I have been trying so hard to win their love so that Garren would love me like he loves them and choose me first. I didn't even realize I was insecure about this. But last week when he made that comment after seeing his sister's condescending email I realized that he had picked me. Had he picked her he would have said, "Maybe she's having a bad day." But he didn't. He recognized without me even having to say anything that her email to me was intended to be condescending.

It got me thinking about the whole situation with his two sisters and how all this time he did pick me and he's been trying to tell me that, but I just kept convincing myself that he was on their side. But then I remembered the conversations we would have on those late nights when he would help with their work that they didn't do. I remembered how he told me exactly what he thought of them. How they were childish, unreliable, immature and just incapable of handling stressful situation like adults. I remembered all the things he had said to me that manifested the fact that he had picked me and he was supporting me and on my side.

I did it again last week. I went back hoping to win the friendship and love of one of his sisters. And I wondered, why am I setting myself up for this? She's ungrateful and only inflicts pain on my life. She has no other significance. And after talking about this with Garren he knows that they hurt me and explained that some people are hateful for no reason. And that I just shouldn't help her in anyway anymore even if I have the best of intentions and truly just want to help. They don't deserve it.

I talked to Garren a bit today and it was as if I was seeing things for the first time. I truly feel that he loves me and supports me. And he knows that while I did things and said things I am not proud of that I apologized and did what it takes to make it right. And he acknowledges that they have done nothing. And that they are lazy and will never do what it takes to make it right with me because they don't possess the maturity to do so.

He loves his family very much and I think part of me will always worry that when push comes to shove that he will pick them. But I feel a lot better today after seeing things in a new light. I see that he knows that when things get bad I'm the one that steps up to make it right. I'm the one that forgives. I'm the one that does all the work and does my darndest to what President Monson says, "We must develop the capacity to see men not as they are at present but as they may become." And they hold on to things forever and never make it right.

They did wrong by me, and have yet to fix it. But I don't need that anymore because I have my husband to back me up and support me and choose me.

I have wanted to move out to Arizona for so long now because I felt like I didn't have his support. I wanted to be in Arizona where i had my families support. But now I have finally realized that I do have his support. I have his love. And I don't need anything else! Today he told me he had a talk with his boss and it looked like it would be a long time before we'd get to move. Normally when he tells me that I burst into tears. And for the first time every in our marriage I didn't care. Because I am happy here, finally. I am happy and content with my life because I know now that I Have my husband's support. I know that he will pick me every time. And I know this because I am a good person. I will always do the right thing. And if I don't the first time I ackowledge that and make it up to the person. I have a huge heart and care for and love everyone. And that is why my husband will always choose me. Because I am the bigger person. I strive to do what it is right and do whatever it takes until it is made right.

I had no idea that all this time I was trying to make the wrong connection in my head. It used to give me migraines thinking so hard about it. I had no idea it had anything to do with my relationship with my husband. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father helped me to come to this realization. He helped me to realize why I kept going back to people who have done nothing but hurt me from day one. People that do things like leave me stranded in San Francisco. People that steal from me. People that can't be counted on and are unreliable and do white trash crap like throw eachother's stuff on other people's lawns. Or the way they call everyone in their family crying about everything instead of dealing with their own problems. Why would I keep going back there to that person who behaves so poorly and only in self interest? He helped me to make sense of all of that because it didn't make sense. Why would I Do that to myself? He helped me realize that it's because I was uselessly worrying that if my husband's family didn't like me that he wouldn't like me.

Nothing could be further from the truth. And I see that now. I am so grateful for these little revelations and for the timely manner in which they come. I think this "recovery" process needed to take these 5-6 months. If it had all happened at once it wouldn't have been the same. It testifies to me that Heavenly Father knows who I am as in individual and knows what I need to experience and feel to learn the most from my experiences. What a great blessing it has been to know where I can turn for peace and strength in my life.

I can finally live my life and be content without having to worry about my husband not liking me if his family doesn't. And finally I don't have to waste anymore of my life on those two that have only inflicted pain and misery on me. It's done. I truly feel that realizing that my husband picked me was the final chapter of this long long saga. And likewise realizing how much I love him.

I'm having a very hard time. I am struggling with depression and I don't want to go back on Cymbalta. I hated the Cymbalta, but I just can't handle life. I am always alone. I have no one to turn to. I try calling my mom and she is way too busy with my sister and her divorce to even talk to me. I am all alone all the time. And it's times like these that I regret even leaving Arizona. What was I thinking?!

I am just so sad all the time. I try to stay busy with work and my kids to distract me, but nothing can seem to overcome the sadness. I know we are never truly alone because Christ knows how we feel, but I can't help but think to myself that Christ doesn't change diapers, make dinner, clean the bathrooms, do the homework. I am overwhelmed and it is depressing me out of my mind!

I have been listening to a lot of hymns and conference talks and I was listening to a hymn that said we will not let in the evils that weaken us. I definitely feel weak right now. But what am I supposed to do to get rid of that feeling? It's just an emptiness that is always there. I have no one to tell, no one to turn to, no one to talk to. I'm just all alone all the time.

An honor to bare the illness

I have been struggling more and more with my health. Recently I have been having trouble speaking because of my jaw joints and as of today can hardly eat. I couldn't even open my mouth. I remembered feeding my children as infants when I had to shovel food in their mouths and manipulate the utensil just so to get everything in their mouths.

Miriam's birthday was two days ago and I recalled her difficult pregnancy and how many times I wondered to myself, "How could it get any worse?" I remembered wondering how someone could possibly be in so much pain and still be alive.

My mother in law has recently been given a trial of health and she told me she doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't want to even acknowledge that it is there. And I kind of started to feel sad for her. Not because she is ill though. She said she doesn't want anyone feeling bad or losing sleep over her. And I just got sad for her because when I see her in her situation I think to myself that she must be among his choicest daughters living a truly virtuous and true and loyal life to have been chosen by Heavenly Father to bear such an illness.

God does not give loss, pain or grief. We give those things to ourselves after we are given our trials and challenges. And as we read in 1 Corinthians 10:13 we will not be given anything that we cannot handle. Everything that we are given has a way by which we may endure it. This scripture refers specifically to temptations, but I know for a fact that this principle applies to health as well.

In dealing with my EDS, and during my difficult pregnancy, I learned a lot about why we are given health challenges. People had to come into my home and see my dirty house. People did dishes that had been sitting for days, cleaned toilets that hadn't been touched in weeks. At first I had never felt so emberrassed in all my life! But it humbled me. I realized through that experience that I am human and am subject to all the trials that all human beings are. And in talking with some of the women that helped me I also learned that when we are sick or in need we must reach out and provide opportunities for others to serve. If no one was every sick or in need there would never be opportunities to serve.

It reminds me of why women don't have the Priesthood. If we all had the priesthood there would be no purpose for it. We would all just give ourselves blessings and perform our own ordinances. We wouldn't have to exercise faith, ask for the blessing and then have faith that it will heal (or whatever the blessing may be for). If no one (or everyone) were sick the same thing would happen.

When those who are ill share their struggles and experiences other watch as they experience these trials. And as they get better or get worse those watching can see the hand of God in that person's life. If we try to deal with it alone and struggle inwardly and never seek for help the point of being given the illness would have been futile. If we were meant to go through these things alone then God wouldn't give it to us. There would be no point.

What a choice human being it must be to be given terminal illness. I think what an honor it must be to have been chosen by God to endure such a trial of faith and that he trusts them to be teachers and educators of the process of endurance and the exercising of faith and trust. To have God know that you can go through such a physical trial and have Him know that you will endure to the end is an honor to bear in this earthly life. To know that before we came to earth we knew would we would experience and those who accepted terminal illness with the physical and emotional trials that come with it must have been among His most faithful and trusted followers. What a great blessing to know in your earthly state that you were among those most faithful and trusted. What a choice child of our Heavenly Father.

I can only hope to bear my illness as well and hope to remember each day that it is an honor to have been chosen to bear this and to be a light and an example to others of endurance, faith and appreciation to my Heavenly Father. And knowledge that He knows exactly who I am. And the one on one experiences that my mother in law will experience with her Father in Heaven as she goes throughout her particular health challenge (not necessarily that as described above--terminal, etc) is something I can only hope to experience.

I will try to remember with each pain and trial I experience with my EDS that this is an honor to have been chosen. That Heavenly Father saw it in me that I could endure with faith and be steadfast in my dealings with this only confirms further to me that He knows me by name and as an individual. And what an honor that is. But also, a great responsibility. I have a responsibility in having been given this to exercise faith and ask people to pray and fast and help in my home as I go through my trials.

An honor, but also a responsibility. To find the purpose for having been given this trial and to fulfill that responsibility.

A great calling

As My daughter, Miriam's, third birthday approaches on Tuesday I took some time to record the great trial it was to get that sweet little angel here. Some commented on how strong or amazing I was for enduring that great trial. And my mother commented to them all saying, "Melissa has angels watching over her and has since she was born."

When I was living at home my mother often told me my own birth story, and I never tired of it. It reminded me that I have been held for this time and protected to ensure that I came here. I tried to write the story just now, but I cannot. The events that occurred leading up to my arrival bring overwhelming emotions. Sadness, amazement but most of all a sense of responsibility. I truly was carried into this life by guardian angels and have been throughout the rest of my life until now. And I have not lived up to my responsibilities in having so much focus of preservation on me.

I often wonder why I have been so protected and think about several events in my life when I have been guided by the spirit and subsequently protected my family and even save my mother's life at one point when I was less than ten.

Wondering what my purpose is here and often asking Heavenly Father what He would have me do, I reflected on Jacob 4:7-8; "Nevertheless, the Lord God showeth us our weakness that we may know that it is by his grace, and his great condescensions unto the children of men, that we have power to do these things. Behold, great and marvelous are the works of the Lord. How unsearchable are the depths of the mysteries of him; and it is impossible that man should find out all his ways. And no man knoweth of his ways save it be revealed unto him; wherefore, brethren, despise not the revelations of God."

In reading this scripture I think of my mother telling my birth story saying, "I don't know what prompted the doctor to check for a heart beat one more time." "I don't know who called the hospital and told them we would be coming." And many other "I don't knows."  We will never know here.

And I wonder, now, how I am supposed to carry out my duties being physically unable to much. But I know now that having these physical weaknesses makes my actions more noticable. When I complete something that other people might also complete and not thinking anything of it, I can finish the task and sigh and say, "I did it!" And those small victories remind me constantly that I am capable of doing great things. If I can do that task, perhaps I can do another.

In wondering what my calling here on earth is and reflecting on those verses in Jacob, I know now that I can't wait for things to be revealed to me. I must act and go on living my life entirely by and through the spirit of the Holy Ghost and I will be guided to serve where the Lord needs me and would have me.

I have found it somewhat, but not entirely, difficult in these past few days since having my experience with the atonement to remain completely focussed, but I am finding more and more strength each day. Having new spiritual experiences reminding me to remain focused and reminding me of the great responsibility I have on this earth. I am not here to live by own will and do what I want. I am here to be a servant and to raise up leaders of the church. To bring together the children of Israel. How He thinks I can do this? I have no clue! But I know if each of my actions and each of my words is done with the spirit that I can accomplish this task.

It must be noted that this is a huge undertaking and change for me. A week and a half ago I was a very different person. But having experienced the atonement in its fullness, well, that I cannot ignore or brush off. Although this is a significant life change for myself and I have had to abandon certain things in my life that had become a part of every, I have been able to disregard those things easily and set them aside, some having done every day, and have not even given it thought. And this because of the atoning sacrifice of the Savior Jesus Christ and my experience in accessing it and using it to the full degree for which it was intended.

I have so far in these ten days and will continue to remain faithful in my duties and responsibilities that I have in being protected to this point.

Esther

I had occasion this week in Family Home Evening to teach my children about Esther. Queen Esther faithfully confessed that she was Jewish to the King at the risk of being killed after the King has created a decree that all Jews should be killed. Having been a woman worthy of respect and admiration the King told her that he could never do anything to hurt her. She in turn asked for the lives of her people to be spared. And because of her faith they were spared.

Not only would I like to have this kind of faith, but I want Miriam to as well. And I would like to become the kind of respected woman that if ever faced with situation like Esther, I would be greatly admired and respected enough that I would be able to be heard. So I am going to work on becoming that sort of respectable woman.

When I resolved to do this in my early morning studies today I was immediately reminded of my basic nature. My family is slightly on the goofy and even irreverent side. . . My Grandma Joyce is the greatest lady I've ever known. Very diligent in her study and knowledge of the scriptures, faithful temple worker, etc. But she liked a good joke and story every now and again. We laughed a lot and accepted the fact that we are all human beings. She taught me that I could enjoy my life and enjoy being human while still being a good Mormon. I hope to curb the more irreverent part of my nature which definitely comes from my Grandma Ida, but was loved and accepted by Grandma Joyce ;) I don't want to completely lose my sense of humor, but I hope to have a little more respect for some things that I normally would joke about or find humor in.

So, what are my guidelines for becoming this person? Moroni 7:45

"And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in truth, beareth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." 

And the next part I feel I have a firm grasp on. I have devoted a good portion of my life to being as charitable as I am able to be in whatever capacity I am able to be at the time. This was instilled in me in my youth. My youth leaders took me to a place when I was 13 that was extremely uncomfortable for me. It was a nursing home for handicapped people. We got to take all the residents to a meeting hall for church. We sang them primary songs and had a lesson. I went home from that and wept. It was difficult as I had never had experience with mentally handicapped people before. And after that day I felt the importance of service in these people's lives. I felt like I was conveying the Lord's love to them. And they took us there every year in my youth. I gained a true understanding of the importance of charitable work. But you can't just give. It has to be with the intent of sharing the Lord's love. You are serving on behalf of the Lord.

Then after my years in college where the motto was "Learn that Life is Service" something happened to me. Charitable love and service became such a part of my life that I could see need on people's faces. I could feel their emptiness and have it be made known to me what the need was. I think when I decided to devote my life to service and to become leader by being a servant I was blessed with this ability to see need. And I know I can have that same experience with all the other characteristics listed in Moroni 7:45. I know I can make these things as a part of my life as I have made charity.

Most of all, I think they all go hand in hand. I do not think you can endure all things if you do not have hope, if you do not rejoice in truth, if you are easily provoked, puffed up or have envy, etc. I think all of these things must be present and a part of my life for the others to become a part of my person.

"Charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him." Moroni 7:47

No words

I wish I could verbalize the experiences I have been having this week as I strive to keep the spirit with me in my mind, my heart, in my actions and in my words. All I can say is that it is true, that if we keep ourselves in holy places and if we have a desire to have the Lord with us always He will be there. He will hear your cry and feel your pain. He will feel your pain and humiliation for you. It has truly been an amazing week, and an amazing hour, even. There are just no words.

There is no sin too great, nor ill doing so great that the Savior cannot make up for.

When I felt I was at my cross roads I chose my family, God and Jesus Christ. I still felt lost not knowing where to go or what to do to proceed. But when I finally felt the true meaning of the atonement in my life and felt that understanding and felt that wholeness I knew exactly what I needed to do.

Every time I am face with a bad thought I know exactly what to do. I don't feel like I am walking around in the dark anymore. I feel like I am making decision and not making them alone. And there is no greater peace in my life than that which the Savior can provide.

Normally my negative thoughts come as a result of anxiety. And I have had a great deal of anxiety lately. I have had another health problem come up for which I have to have surgery. Again. And I can't count on my mom to come out here and help me. I have no idea what I am going to do with my kids. I have been pulling all nighters working to get all the orders out so they don't back up during surgery and recovery. I slept about 3 hours today and am headed into another all nighter. But this time I have felt very peaceful in my mind. I normally focus on something that I can direct my anxiety and bad feelings toward and it is usually my former seamstresses. But today, as I wonder who in the heck will pick up my kids from school, I'm just at peace in my mind. Even though one of his sisters did remind me this evening of her presence and her vast intellect. I just feel calm. And happy. And that even if I have to start walking to the bus stop two hours ahead of time just to get there while recovering from surgery, everything will be okay. It will all work out. Somehow. . .

I've never had to recover from a surgery alone before. But I think I can do this. All will be well. I am glad I don't feel like I am walking into a black hole anymore. It's kind of like detoxing. I feel like I don't have those deadly and dangerous and life threatening toxins in me anymore.

I don't know what this would have done to me if I didn't have the knowledge of the atonement in my life. It is absolutely required of us to forgive everyone for everything. The only person that suffers when we do not forgive is our own selves. And I can testify of that truthfulness. It is paralizing.

On a side note, my kidneys are crying again. Oh life. Life is so. . . daily.

To my family

Dear Family,

I have been struggling for a long time. This past week I have thought several times of calling on other for help, for prayers, etc. I have been dealing with a lot of emotional problems that stem from both family and health. On Thursday something else came up health wise and I just wished that I would go to sleep and not wake up because each day that I lie brings on more stress, more problems, etc. I was at a very low point.

Recently, in the past few months, I have also been at my lowest point in my marriage. I have been trying to hold my husband responsible for the actions of his family and also my own actions. Over a year ago two of his sisters kept funds for work they did not do in the amount of $1,440. In addition to cruel and hateful actions for which I retaliated with cruel and hateful remarks. One of his sister's and brother sent me hateful emails accusing me of things I had not done after hearing a very base and one sided story from their siblings. After sending my public apologies his sister went on to accuse me of not being sincere in my apologies which hurt me very badly. And even his mom would text him saying things about me that I couldn't help but think that my own mother would never say anything like that about my brother's wife to my brother. It was all a very horrible thing and terrible thing after which I did things I wasn't proud of. They hurt me and I wanted to hurt them with my words. I have been given a small talent wherein I can invoke a great deal of feeling and emotion and feeling through written word :) I wrote an email to one of his sisters for which I was very proud of at the time. It was very well written and, as I assume from her reaction, accomplished what I had set out to do and that was to invoke hurtful feelings. I have since apologized for my actions and made things right with them. They have not with me, though, and that has sent me in a downward spiral.

This past year I have had a lot of trouble accepting that they will never apologize for their actions. I have had a hard time looking at my husband as every time I do I think, "How can you be related to such horrible people that don't take responsibility for their actions?" And I have been punishing him for that for a year now.

Realizing how wrong I was for doing that I decided I just needed to get over it., move on. But for whatever reason, I just couldn't. I just couldn't let it go until they came to me and accepted responsibility. I did everything I could to move on: pretended it didn't happen, friended them on FB hoping that as time went on I would heal, sent gifts for various occasions, offered services in whatever capacity I was able, etc. And nothing helped.

This past week was rock bottom for me. With rising health concerns, being emotionally unavailable to my kids, hating my husband for absolutely nothing that he did, I realized that my life was unraveling and I was quickly losing control. With the mounting stress of work, housework, my marriage, my children, my health, I was overwhelmed. I laid in my bed and in silence stared at the ceiling and wondered why I couldn't just accept that what happened is a part of my life now and why I couldn't just let it go. Wondering, do I really need to face an eternity with this family who treats people this way? And wondering why I had to be the one suffering. They are over there having a great time with all my money and I am left here with all the hurt and pain. Why do I have to deal with this every day? Why do I have to deal with all these health problems on top of it all? Then it occured to me that God challenges us to see how we will respond. And he sends the greatest challenges to those who he has great plans for.

I spent a year of my life regressing and living in pure hatred. I lived at my own personal rock bottom for a year. I tried to go on faking it, though I know it was obvious some of the time. But realizing that this was a test I decided that if I am destined for great things then I had better get my life into shape.

I used to do really well for a while and then start to regress. I would then write out a plan: this is what I will do to make sure I pray every day. This is what I will do to avoid bad thoughts, etc. Yet, even with a written plan I seemed to falter. But I have had a life changing experience these past few days, the details of which I do not care to share here, as I have turned my life around. Through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ I have been made whole. I have been blessed with great peace that I thought would never be possible as long as I was married into their family. I have been blessed with peace and comfort and have truly been made whole. And it didn't require any of them coming to me and accepting responsibility for hurting me. It took faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ, and a willing heart to trust Him and trust in God's plan for me. And trust that He does have a plan for me!

That plan was made known to me this week. And I can tell you now, as unrealistic in today's world as it may seem, that I don't need to write out a plan. I don't need to have back up "just in case" thoughts to replace my bad feelings with. I have been witness to a great miracle and I am now devoted to a life of serving the Lord through my own life and that of my husband and children. This miracle that I have been witness to will be seen through my own family and be felt by those I come in contact with each day.

I don't need to write out a plan anymore. I know now that I cannot falter. I cannot give in to the bad feelings or the consequences will be disasterous. And to avoid that disaster I will remain steadfast and thinking always of this miracle that I have been blessed to witness.

I know that we can all have this change of heart if we put our trust in the Lord and realize that there is a plan for us here. It is not our responsibility to punish others and we do not need others to make us whole. We can made whole through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ. We do not need anything else. Only through Him are we able to erase everything that has been said to us or done against us. He is the only way. And I know there are times when it seems impossible. I felt that way two weeks ago and even went as far as to hide my Christus statue in a closet because I couldn't handle the guilt every time I looked at it. Turns out that even after hiding Him in a closet, Jesus and Heavenly Father will still know the true desires of your heart and they too desire for you to be happy and whole.

This life is not for us to seek out and find happiness. Happiness comes when we are engaged in the work that God has here for us to do. Our work here is not to go seeking out what makes us feel good and happy. But we can feel that way if we will trust that God will provide us with that blessing if we will just trust in Him.

I love you guys. You all are the most loyal people I've ever known. And I appreciate your love, your forgiveness and your tolerance with me as I am just a human being. I love you all no matter what. Mom, Dad, Cyndie, Neal, Krista, Ashley, Bryant, all of you! I love you very much. Oh and Garren and all the kids too. I love everyone. And I look forward to spending an eternity with you!

M.

My mission in life

As I have been going throughout this journey I have witnessed many miracles. I have made baby steps of progress daily. Somedays regressing. But I never would have guessed that God would hae felt me prepared to accept what has come to me between yesterday and today.

I do not care to share here what has happened to me. All I care to share is that nothing that has ever happened to me before this day is of any consequence to me any more. Why God felt I was prepared or even worthy of this temendous blessing of peace, I cannot say. I don't think I will ever understand in my earthly state why this event has happened to me. But I know that it has happened.

Recently, I have been feeling that I could not reach my spiritual potential until I had quit work so I could devote the time necessary to focusing on spiritual maturation. But it has been made clear to me what I must do. I wish I could express what I feel right now in words, but there are none to suffice.

I know that I will have no trouble making the changes I need to make. But I must take care to remain focussed and unwaivering. If I allow myself to give in to any of the negative thoughts I have had before the consequences will be disasterous. Now that i have had this sort of spiritual awakening and it has been made known to me what I Must do in my life, if I ever degress, even for a short moment, the consequences will not just be a day of depression. The consequences will be disasterous and create a ripple affect in the loves around me and the lives that are not even yet lived.

I must remain focussed, steadfast and unwaivering. I must remain faithful in every breath I take and with eery ounce of my being I must stay focussed. I must take care to never let a day pass thinking, "Some day I'll try" just as a diabetic cannot go with out insulin, an illness without treatment, an infant without food.

Oh, how I hope everyone has an experience like this in their life.

As I live and breathe I can testify to you of the truthfullness of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. God knows me by name and knows who I am. He knew I had to endure this trial in order to have this life changing experience that will ultimately lead me to spiritual maturation. He will never let me suffer more than I am able and will give me the peace I need after the suffering even if there is no explanation as to why I had to endure it. I think it is only by accepting these trials in our life that we can truly reach spiritual maturation. Too long have I tried to ignore bad feelings or change the subject. But I took this particular challenge in my life and saw it through from beginning to end. It would have gone on for the rest of my life had I not chose to experience it with God and Jesus Christ.

The past 15 months have been very focussed on this problem in my life. And because of a miracle from God that no human being is worthy of, least of all myself, I can now live and fulfill the reason for which I am here.

Miracles continue to happen every day. And I am so grateful that God saw fit to make me a part of one. I owe my life to Him and must remain focussed. Focussed on Him, focussed on what He has here for me to do. I cannot waiver even for a moment.

. . . .

There is a woman in my ward who has become a very good friend to me in all this. She has recently been through a divorce and has had trouble with her in laws in the past. She read my letters and reminded me that I don't need them to be made whole. The atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ will do that for me. They will hae to stand before God one day and account for their dishonesty, their lies and their judgments. I have done my part to correct my wrong doings. But they haven't and will have to be held accountable for that. But it is not my job to punish or hold them accountable. It is my job to forgive and love and God will give them the appropriate punishment for their behavior. But if I don't want to be held accountable for my inability to let it go and letting it interfere with my spirituality and my marriage then I need to do everything in my power to simply love them for who they are and stop trying to figure out a way to tell them their wrong and they've hurt me. Because that's not my job.

It has been hard to think of things in this light just as of recent because one of them said they were going to make something for my daughter and I told my daughter about it. She said, "I'm going ot have it in the mail by the end of the week!" And while I'm sure my daughter doesn't even remember I told her about it, it still disappoints me. I know life happens and stuff comes up, but communicate that to me. Don't just diappoint my kid! I should have known based on her inability to keep her commitments to me in the business that she wouldn't in private matters as well. I just keep trying to see the side of her that I think she really is, but the real her just keeps coming out: just as in the business she's unreliable and can't be counted on.

All this diappointment just makes things hard to accept. I think I am just most disappointed in myself. Because I keep going back thinking she will have changed, but it's always the same thing. Eery time I go back she hurts and disappoints. So what exactly is my job here? I know it isn't my responsibility to punish or make the consequences of  her behavior known to her, but what am I supposed to do? Just keep going back to be hurt again? Or even to have my kids be disappointed? What is my rold here? What am I supposed to do? I can't just pretened they don't exist like I was doing before because they do exist. I just don't know what I am supposed to do. One disappointment right after the other.

It's just a freckle

It was never enough to tell myself that this pain just wasn't worth it. It was never enough to tell myself over and over again that it won't be like this forever. Nothing made the hurt go away. The bottom line is that the hurt will never go away so I have to learn how to live with it there.

I think about this sweet missionary boy in our area who was put up for adoption. He was the fifth child and his parents didn't think they could handle that so they put him up for adoption then later went on to have more children that they did not put up for adoption. He must feel so much pain from being one of eight children that they didn't want.

Pain is just a part of life. What I need to do now is to learn to live with it there, but not allow it to be the center of my life.

It's like death. Some people avoid thinking about the death of a loved one because it is too painful. They try to distract themselves or change the subject. But it's supposed to be there, supposed to be a part of our lives. And it isn't supposed to feel good. To know pleasure we must also know pain. Our family service day (Jan 2) is never easy. I usually spend most of the day crying inbetween performing service. But I understand that that is natural and it isn't supposed to feel good. Death is a very sad thing and it's supposed to sad. We're supposed to feel sad. So what I need to do now is to understand that this will always hurt and it is going to have to become a part of my life before I let it run my life.

I think the best way to do this is to just always look forward. Look toward the new possibilities. Just as life still continues after the stinging pain of death, great things can still happen to this family even after the pain of this event.

I gave this some thought after trying to write two more letters to my mother in law and sister in law. But I'm not quite past my anger and bitterness toward them yet so it was counterproductive. Their letters were short and along the lines of, "You're the most judgmental condescending person I've ever met." But no amount of me feeling hurt by their judgments and their condescensions and their lies is going to make them change or even apologize. And most of all, I know I've done the same to them. And I know I wouldn't want them to be angry with me forever. So I just need to accept that that is a part of my life. A mere blemish on the skin of life's complection. A small instance that will remain there, like a scar, but should not and will not dibilitate me.

I have a scar on my upper lip that I see every day of my life. It used to bother me after I first got it, but I don't even think about it anymore. That's what this needs to be. Just a scar. Yes, it did happen, and yes it hurts. And I'll see it all the time. But I don't need to relive every hurtful moment anymore. I just need to continue to be me. And this is a part of me now.

There have been a lot of things helping me to not feel the pain anymore. I have taken these past 5 months to really connect with my old self. I even went as far as just having my maiden name on my Facebook for a while. I just wanted to remember who I am. Since then I have been teaching my children how to draw and paint, sing and play the piano. I have been training for my half marathon in August and 10 K on March 16th! But I think I am most excited about my sisters wedding where I will be singing with my friend from the band Write This Down. I think performing is going to be the best thing to do to reconnect with myself and make me a whole person. Performing was a huge part of life until my second year of marriage when I had to be practical. Theater life wasn't conduscive to family life.

I have so much going for me in my life right now. Way too many good things to let this little blemish get me down. The business is expanding yet again. It has always grown rapidly from the beginning! I owe a big thank you to my dad, who is a very successful small business owner and to my business professor in college, Professor Allessey, who said anyone can own and operate their own business. You just have to sell what people are buying. He was the best. Best semester of my college career. He worked for free at the university because he made so much money off turning tanking businesses around into successful business. The year before I took a class from him he had just savedHewlett Packard. After my semester he said he wouldn't be returning for fall because he had to go save another business, though he couldn't tell us which one yet. I still wonder who it was. He was amazing. He'd say stuff like, "It's only Rocket Science." We continue to grow by leaps and bounds! And it is so fun to do with my family!

I'm ready to take this from being a cancerous tumor on my life to a mere freckle on my skin. I'm ready to live again. Bad memories an all. And with everyone. I am ready to stop hiding from everyone for fear I might have an outburst, or as Wordsworth puts it, "A spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings." I'm done hiding away trying to figure things out. I'm just going to go out and do and figure it out as it comes. Because if I don't go out and do something then all the sitting around planning how I'm going to react in situations will be fruitless since I will not be creating any situations. It's time to take a risk. Risk being hurt yet again. But in the grand scheme of things, it will just be a freckle. And a mere freckle? Well, that's worth a risk.

done

I'm done. I give up.

A new relationship, Always looking forward.

Things are going better than ever. My business is doing very well and I am doing it all by myself for the first tie in two years. I don't like doing it by myself, though. It seems pointless. The point of the business is to share.

I am looking for an assistant. Someone to answer emails and do quotes. But they have to be ever bit as good as Shannon was. Shannon was THEE best ever. I am sorry she was too smart for us and how to be a stock broker for Charles Schwaab or whoever she is with now. I just need someone to answer the every day questions: "How much is Imperial Trellis?" And all those questions that take my time but I don't have time to answer.

I am having so much fun with my children. We have started reading books together again. We started Tom Sawyer, but the language is a bit over their heads and the sentences are some times too complicated from them to understand. So we may switch to the next choice: Alice in Wonderland.

Garren and I are having a great time together too. We went to teh zoo on Saturday and I remembered what it felt like to really enjoy being with him again.

I have truly been blessed these past few months. I think I had to go through the last year to get to where I am at right now. If I had tried to do this any sooner I think it wouldn't have been quite as prfound.

I have been very blessed with light and knowledge of the true meanings of both love and forgiveness. I trully feel great about where I am at. This past week I have been able to just look forward and never backward. I have been very focussed and I know that is a blessing from God.

In doing this, looking only forward, I can see so many more possibilites. Possibilities to be friends again, possibilities to love again. The possibility to be the kind of friends and sisters I've always wanted to be. I have learned now, especially in this past week, that in looking forward it is only then that we can both forgive and forget. If I look backward I have not forgotten. In looking forward there are endless possibilites to what we can become. I am confident that the Lord will continue to bless me to look forward. And I am confident that when my in laws attempt to contact me next I will happily accept the reaching out and respond with great enthusiasm to move forward and build something new, something stronger, something worth having.

My life has been so blessed by this outlook. It has even brought me to tears and made me anxious to rebuild a realtionship with my inlaws. But all things in their time. I don't think I should rush. And I don't know where to start. But then again, I didn't know where to begin this journey and I have come so far. So I know the Lord will provide a way and means by which we can be friends, sisters and strengths to each other. Strengths to support and build each other up, not tear each other down.

It has not been easy by any means to conquer this. Struggling with OCD daily my mind always wants to stew over one tiny insignificant thing. In learning to forgive others I have also learned how to forgive myself. And I feel like I have conquered that portion of my OCD.

The Lord does truly know us individually. He knew that if I had attempted this change last year I would not have been able to do it because of my struggles with my mental health and OCD. He knew that tiny detail about me. In learning to forgive others and forgive myself I have never felt closer to the Lord. I know this can happen for anyone if you just allow yourself to accept that you don't know how to proceed with a certain situation in your life and accept that you cannot fix it all. I know the Lord can help you in whatever your struggle is. He knows your struggles and He even knows that you don't want to go to Him ;) We were created by God and he created all of our little quorks. He knows you are stubborn and don't want to accept Him. He made that quality in you :) You have to overcome that. He will be there.

From now on, always looking forward. :)

A brutal 9 months ahead.

Hello, readers.

Each day is a new day full of self discovery and progress. I have been sharing some extremely personal thoughts and feelings with you. I have been and still am very ashamed and emberrassed at some of the thoughts and feelings I allowed myself to feel toward my husband's family. But I am here today to write to you and share my thoughts and feelings that I have today. They are vastly different from those of one month again when I began my journey to heal which were full of anger and hatred. My opinions of them pretty much stand. But I have been able to have my opinions and disociate them with negative thoughts and feelings. I still they think they were wrong, that they cheated me, that they are abominably selfish. But I am able to set that aside and not think of them at all. I used to think about that and be filled with anger and hatred. It used to consume my mind. But In the past four days this is what I have been thinking about:

* My children and what I will read with them or what science experiements we will do together, our favorite activities.
*My husband and what he will think of the condition of the house when he gets home from work ;)
*My calling in the church and how I can be better at it.
*My calling as a visiting teacher and what my visiting teachees need.
*My business, my clients, my work schedule.
*My mom and how she feels today.
*My dad and if he is over his cold.
*My sister and how she is handling her separation from her husband
*My nieces and nephews.
*Baking
*Disneyland
*My sisters wedding
*A trip out of the country
*My friends here in Roanoke and how I can be a better friend to them.
*My friend and the loss of her baby and what I can do to make her days a little happier



This is a huge difference from that of a month ago:

*I hope I don't see them post anything on FB today because seeing their pictures will just make me sad.
*I wonder if my husband even knows how I feel.
*How do I make them realize what they did to me and how it made me feel rather then them seeing their own idea of how they would have reacted or how it would have made them feel?
*How do I get them to realize that they were wrong?
*It is not okay.
*What they did was wrong, hurtful and hateful and they should know that and acknowledge it instead of pretending nothing is wrong.
*I will never leave my children alone with any of them ever again because I don't want their selfish and hateful influence on them.
*How do I tell them that keeping money for work they didn't do is stealing?
*How do I make them realize I am their sister and they comitted a haneous crime?
*How do I avoid the next visit from my MIL so that she can't treat my children like animals by not letting them touch anything on the table and listening to her lie to my face?

I felt this way every single day for 372 days. One if not all (and even more) of these thoughts went through my head every single day of my life. It killed my soul, my spirit and my marriage.

I have been able to dig up that dead part of myself and make room for new growth. With the help of the Bishop, prayer, The Miracle Of Forgiveness and above all the Lord's Atonement I have learned how to accept these things and be able to have these opinions without it taking over my life. I learned how to truly forgive and how what I thought was forgiveness was not. We naturally try to forgive other by making them into something they aren't. It is easier for us to forgive others if we think of them as great people who would sacrifice for you or come through for you or other glorifying characteristics. But through the book The Miracle of Forgiveness I have learned how to see them for who they truly are and not be angered by it, not let the negative thoughts and feelings an biterness consume my life. And now that I have this objective outlook I am able to not only see their bad (which is all I could see before) but see the good in them as well.

Forgiving the way I used to, by glorifying a person to make it easier to forgive, I allowed myself to let them into my life allowing for the potential for more aches and pains because of them. But truly forgiving them to where I make decision regarding them without feeling hatred or bitterness, I am able to make smart and wise decision that will benefit my self and my family and put me in a position where they can be hurtful toward me and cheat me. It hasn't been easy seeing it objectively. As I said, it's so much easier to see it when you make someone out to be a saint in your head just to try to forgive them. But when I truly look at things without feelings of anger or hatred I can see the cheating, stealing, lying and punishment that they will put not only on me but on others when things get bad. and I can't have that in my life. It hurts so bad because I do want them to be a part of life, but I just can't allow myself to willingly accept hurt and pain. Doing that destroyed my family this past year.

I had to accept that I couldn't let their toxic and infectious selfishness destroy my family anymore. I made this decision a month ago and with the help of the Atoneing sacrifice of Jesus Christ I have been able to rebuild my family. My marriage has been better than ever! (at least I think so. . . .I don't know how my husband feels. . . ). My children have been behaving better than ever. It hurts sometimes to think that I had to remove family that I loved so much from my life to make this happen. But through the Atonement I have been able to see clearly and make good and healthy decisions that are right and good for my family without feeling the pain that was inflicted on me by selfishness. I have gone days at a time without feeling bad or thinking bad thoughts.

I tried for an entire year to get to this point by myself, with a therapist and with many many anti depresents. But all I needed was to use the Atonement which is there for us to use in situations like these. I have been able to completely cast out any and all negative thoughts and feelings when they creep into my mind. Last month I had only a tiny glimmer of hope. But now it is more than hope. It is knowledge. Knowledge that the if they don't come to me and apologize for their wrong doings and accept that they stole from their own sister I know the Savior will make up for that.



I am heading into a very difficult 9 months of my life. It will be difficult, painful and I will need lots of help and support. But with a clear mind and healthy thoughts and focussing on dedicating my every moment and every thought and feeling I have to the Lord and progress in his church I know I can do this. As I have cast out all the negative feelings in my life I have made room for the Savior. And I have never felt him closer than I do now. I know he will carry me through this journey and that it will be through Him that I help and inspire others to be strong, faithful and diligent no matter what wrong is done to them or what wrong they have done.

August 1 is coming up quickly!!! I hope smoothly too.

The precious life of a baby

I feel really well today. I feel like I can finally be counted on! I am starting to volunteer in my son's classrom at school, I have already done my visiting teaching for the month and I have taken a meal to a friend in need.

I know I have made progress because instead of seeking a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on I was finally able to be that to someone today for the first time in well over a year.

My friend went into preterm labor at 20 weeks in the middle of last week. They couldn't stop her contractions and she had her baby. The baby was a boy and he lived for over an hour. She described the experience to me and I just broke into a million pieces. She said she watched him live his whole life, watched him move, watched him breathe and then watched him die. I am still so heartbroken for her. She did reach out to me though and asked if I could prepare a meal for her family. So that's good that she is reaching out.

I made her homemade white chocolate fudge on a crust of crushed Oreo cookies. Mmmm. And then did a fun kids casserole with chicken, veggies, cream of chicen soup, cheese all topped with tater tots! She said it was a hit and that her kids loved it! I wish my kids ate food, they might like it too!

This friend plays the harp with me in our harp circle. We cancelled our harp circle for this month. I am just so sad for her. So heartbroken. I wish I could do something to help. It's so hard to watch people bare a burden that you know is so difficult and you know they're the only ones that can go through it. I wish I could do something that would be meaningful. I think I am going to check in on her every day this week. She seems pretty down. She is in the "what if" stage asking herself if she had gotten to the hospital a little sooner, rehydrated a little sooner. And those questions are just devistating. Because they have no answer. :*(

Anyway, as far as my progress, I get it now. I get why I had to not want my husband's family in my life for a while. I had to have these few month alone and not worrying about my relationships with anyone else to truly see what I actually wanted those relationships to be. And I am still realizing this and still am having some revelations about what the relationships can and will be, but I had to go through that period of not wanting them at all to make me realize what their part is in my life.

I don't know where to go from here though. I know what I want and what's good and healthy for me and my relationships with my in laws, but I don't know how to proceed just yet. More prayer, pondering and staying in tune with the spirit.

I find that when I am doing things, like serving and being a tool in the Lord's hands as I was for my friend today, that I receive my answers in teh midst of that. My answers to my prayers come as a blessing for my actions in doing what the Lord would do for my friend today if he were here. As I help my friend progress toward peace by offering my prayers, my shoulder and even my cooking I am doing the Lord's work. And I feel closer to Him than ever when in that moment of service. I know now I must stay in that work to be closer to Him and receive my guidance.

Everyone receives their answers differently and in their own time. I receive mine when I am as close to the Lord as I can possibly get. And that is in performing his services for Him here on earth. I will continue to do that. It used to be my life and I will make it my life again. I stopped because it was in a moment of revelation that I decided to hire my husband's sister. And when she did what she did I was so hurt that I couldn't believe that was a result of something that come from inspiration from the Lord. And I completely shut off that part of my life and starved it to death because I was so hurt by the result. But I know now that it wasn't the Lord's fault that happened. She made her own bad choice and bad and hurtful decisions. All I need to do is to keep on going in the Lord's work. For me it is in service that I am closest to the Lord and He can share for me what he wants me to do with this life that my Father has given me.

It finally happened!!

Today has been another life changing day! Really! I can't even express how great today was. New revelation, new insight, new friends, new perspective. You name it!

Today I bore my testimony in church about how after this incident happened with some family members that I shut a door to a part of myself and I starved that part of myself until it had died and I could no longer feel it. But in the past month I have allowed for new growth. But to let in that new growth I had to dig up the dead part of myself to allow room for the new growth. And accepting all of that part of myself and accepting what I had done and what had been done to me was almost more excrutiating than the process of letting that part of me just die. I could not have faced those things without the help of the Lord. If I tried to face those things aloneI know the result would have been detrimental.

A month ago I Was so thrilled at the prospect of not having these people in my life and that I could live without them. But as I have been changing and evolving I have realized that through the Lord not all is lost. It has only been just this week and the change and evolution of myself taking place this week that I have realized that I can have them in my life without feeling hurt and without thinking of all the terrible things. I know this because I prayed for help to have good thoughts instead of bad thoughts when they came up and I was immediately blessed with those good thoughts. I will tell you how it happened.


     This past week I have receieved three, yes THREE, emails from clients of my sister in law from last year. Three this week alone! I left all of them unread until this afternoon. When I went to open them I prayed that I would not be overcome with the hurt feelings or negative thoughts as I read emails from her former clients. I sat down to my email and found myself excited to read what they might possibly have to say after a year and a half. They raved about how they loved their treatments and were back for more! One was back to replace the other ones as she had redecorated. I found myself happy that they had returned and did not have a single bad feeling. In fact, I was filled with nistalgia as that was the greatest time for me in my business. When it was just me and her (Before we added in the other sister who started putting ideas in her head and was just generally unpleasant). I found myself remembering how fun it was to work with her. I found myself remembering the spiritual promptin I had to offer her a job. I found myself even laughing at remembering some of the clients we had and their wonky requests and how demanding they were that I find out immediately if their fabric had arrived at her house. Most of all I remembered how our relationship had been strengthened in that time because I trusted her. I trusted her to come through on her end and deliver qulaity. The reason I know the Lord blessed me with these pleasant happy memories is because for the past year I have been so focussed on the few orders that she didn't come through on. The orders that she didn't complete and left me to do. And today He blessed me to remember something I hadn't thought about in over a year: that she was talented, she was dedicated and she came through for me (until her sister came in and put other ideas into her head). . .

       She was an assett to my team. She was talented, attentive, detail orientated, punctual, responsive and above all flexible with our clients demands and sometime constant changes. She accepted responsibilities for her mistakes (the ones made before her sister came in and didn't acknowledge or accept mistakes she made on her treatments. .  .). She would promptly fix her mistakes and assume responsibility for a clients dissatisfaction. I have to admit that in seven seamstresses I have worked with since her there was no one quite like her. And I do miss working with her. (Just to be clear the "her" before what she became when her sister was negatively influencing her to make unwise moves as far as the business was concerned).

Basically, today I felt as thought I had truly healed. Because as I had recalled the few months just she and I working together I realized that it's her sister I hold responsible for the negative end to the business relationship. The time that she and were working together was the best time of my business in these 2.5 years. And I even felt, even if for just a few minutes, that I'd do it all again, just me and her. If I could go back in time and change things, I probably wouldn't now. Now that I am able to see that those few months were the best. I trusted her and she delivered. She was great! No. Amazing. It wasn't until working with her that it felt like it all meant something. That having and creating that business from nothing felt like it was worth something if it meant I could share it with her. Amazing.

Progress

So the last thing I was focussing on was my marriage. I think driving across the country really helped with that. We had TONS of time together and basically rekindled. We drove across the country together after we had been married just a year and it was fun to recall the memories and how different that drive was from this one. The first drive was quick and uncomfortable. We were so poor that we couldn't stop to do anything, we had to make a certain number of miles a day so we wouldn't have to get an extra hotel the last night, we were in the truck and it was packed to the gills! This time we had two kids, we got to stop at places like the painted desert, we had the mini van and it was so comfortable. The kids were great and we had so much fun together.

I feel like I am in a good place to move on to the next phase of improvement. I think I need to figure out how not to be angry when they come up in conversations. I need to figure out how to not be filled with anger when he talks to his mom on the phone. Right now when I know he's talking to her I have to go hide somewhere and try not to think about it because all I can think about is how she treats my children like animals not letting them touch anything on the kitchen table and how she lies to my face to protect herself. I need to figure out how to be able to not think about anything when she calls or when anyone in his family calls because I can'te let my children see how I feel about them. My children need to develop their own relationships with his family unbiased from my own feelings and opinions.

I have no clue how to do this. I guess I can have a few things to turn to to think about. Perhaps I can pick three things to fall back on so when I start thinking about she moves all the dishes on the table to the far corner where my kids can't reach them maybe I can think of my marathon, my business, what book I am going to read with my kids next. Then I can replace the negative thoughts with something fruitful.

I think I will try that for this week and if it doesn't work I'll revisit the idea next week and see whatelse I can do.

This has been a tough journey. But I feel that progress is being made exponentially! I think I can be whole again. I wish they'd talk to me and acknowledge what they did. That would really speed up this process of healing. This has been so hard on my family. but I also believe progress is being made because of time.

Last year I didn't get to enjoy Christmas or Thanksgiving with my family. And I have now had both of those and have lots of memories and good times with family to replace that bad time with. I can never get those years back because of them. But I can use that experience to make each new holiday better and make the most of it. Even my birthday was hard. His sister wrote me an email and asked how my birthday was. I didn't respond because all I could think of was, "Well, it's the anniversary of the day you chose to follow your sister who makes lousy decisions and you chose to misunderstand something that was harmless, then chose to keep all my money for which you are being dishonest with your fellowman and shouldn't hold a temple recommend and then let your hurt feelings (which were hurt by your own misunderstandings) drive that bus right over my life! So, it was pretty good considering you didn't do that to me again." But I was overwhelmed by al the negative feelings thinking about what happened the year before. So it was a pretty crummy birthday. But I now have one more to replace the memories of that horrible year with. Just as I do a Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was so focussed on how she ruined my life for that year and didn't even think of how the upcoming years could be so sweet and cherished too.

Things are getting better with time as I make new memories to replace the old ones with. This marathon has been great. Garren is so supportive and that has helped me with my personal progress toward being a better person and wife. This marathon will be a life changing experience. I am grateful for my little family and all the support they give me as I work to improve myself for them.