That which doesn't kill you. . .

My mom and I started our blog to document our journey to overcome our physical disabilities and take charge of our own bodies before it takes charge of us. THe journey begins here in Chandler, Arizona and ends August 5th in Dublin, Ireland. The blog is

http://imadeotherplans.blogspot.com/

Please feel free to follow us as we grow through the trials and struggles of conquering our physical bodies and minds.

I called it I made other plans because EDS has a way of constantly reminding me its there and running my life. But I didn't plan to lay in bed on the heating pad all day! I made other plans!

So while I am sure I will wake up on the morning of the race and feel horrible with my usual EDS pains I will just have to remind myself that I made other plans for that day. :)

The bottom line is that I love them. And I loved them so much and that's why this hurts to this day. Because I loved them so much but they didn't love me at all. It hurts. They didn't care one bit about me. And all I did was take care of them because I loved them. It hurts. They don't love, they are hateful. Their actions were hateful and it hurts when you love someone and show them that by caring from them and they turn around and spit hatred all over you. It hurts. I think it will always hurt.

Acceptance and a move

Realizing that an apology for the closure I need isn't coming was a huge step for me. But since cutting that garbage out of my life there was a little piece of me that hoped they might get over themselves and acknowledge what pain they put me through. But it's time not only realize that its not in their nature, but to accept it and not allow myself to think that they might become like selfless example that their father was. I'm sending out their Christmas stuff today and then I can officially let them go.

Last week was dedicated to rebuilding my marriage, and, well, we'll have to start from the beginning again this week. There was a little hiccup with my husband and his stupid exgirlfriend.

I'm ready to completely remove all hope of them ever coming around. After I mail out thier gifts I am done. Forever. Never again will allow their slefishness and manipulitive nature in my life. They are nothing to me. No different from stranger on the street. I don't love them. I don't hate them. They are nothing in my life. Next time I write it will be as if they never were.

Ahhh! hahahaha!!!

I have nothing to say today except that freedom feels so great. I really am moving on to the point where these people mean nothing ot me. They are not a part of my life anymore. I don't think about them anymore. They are nothing to me.I am successful at focussing and progressing in other aspects of my life without their selfishness and mean words and complete lack of regard for other people to interfere with my life anymore.

I think had this experience never happened I don't know if I would have made the progress I've made this past week. I think I would have continued to grow strong in my faith, but this experience has opened a new door and shed new light in areas of the gospel I hadn't previously had experience with. And that is their purpose in my life. Now they've served their purpose and I can move on to the next life experience.

I think I can truly say I am grateful for the experience, now seeing how much progress I've made these past two weeks and having seen what truly matters because of this experience.

ummm. . .

I've continued to make progress in my personal life and see my entire life improve before my eyes. I am very happy about the decision I made. Until My husband said, "So, when are you going to be friends with my family again?" Seriously? When they acknowledge fault on their part and apologize for it. Until then I am done pretending that nothing happened just for the sake of keeping everyone together. And I don't have to. I don't have to pretend that they didn't hurt me in order to forgive them for what they did.

There is also an article in The Wall Street Journal called, "When Not to Forgive" that I am very much looking forward to reading.

Today I do feel hurt just because I have all those feelings again since Garren is hurrying me along to be friends with his family. But they probably don't even want that. I mean, if they did they would have apologized.

As for focussing on my marriage this week, everything has been going quite well. I am at the point right now where I have to consciousy do things like kiss him goodbye. I was to the point where that was not done out of habbit anymore. I have to consciously remind myself to tell him that I love him as that got out of habbit too. But things like this can become habbits again as I mean them sincerely. I think it will happen soon.

My personal goals are helping me to combat the negative thoughts. Thinking about when I will get my next run in, thinking about what I will cook for meals with and for my children, etc all consume my thoughts now instead of being foccussed on how to pretend everything is okay when it isn't.

I started reading The Miracle of Forgiveness, but put it down because this is a busy week with work. All the treatments for Christmas orders have to go out on Saturday. But I am looking forward to picking it up again.

I am recording this journey of healing because I need to keep myself in check and I need t see the progress I've made. As I write the events of the day, what I spent time thinking about and doing, I can consiously be aware of how I am spending my time and what I need to do differently tomorrow. Also, I see a huge difference between this blog post and the hurt and pain of my first one that I made when I began this journey of healing.

I hope I can inspire someone who is struggling with having been wronged by family that there is a way for you to forgive them without having to pretend that nothing happend. Family does not have to be a part of your life if they are toxic to it and your nuclear family and relationships. you can heal. There is a way.

Realizing the damage done

This past week I have noticed a huge change in my children's beahvior as I have made these changes in my life. They are so much happier and are behaving so well.

Joshua has always been a happy kid, but he has been so happy and cooperative this past week.

Miriam has always had an attitude and said, "No!" a lot. She had sudden outbursts when frustrated. She has not done any of that in over a week!

I'd like to say that I wish I had done this sooner, but honestly, I had No Clue how to do it. And even when I made the decision I had no clue how to do it. I still am walking in the dark a little bit. And honestly, I think if it had happened any sooner that things might have been a little different. There were just some things I was not ready to let go of.


I am enjoying training for this marathon. I have a clear mind and I feel like I can set an achieve goals now. I didn't feel that way before. I felt like my mental road blocks always got in the way. But elliminating certain people from my life has completely elliminated my road blocks.

My family is happier and my children are pregressing so much in good behavior and positive attitudes. Every day I see how much this change was the right decision to make.

Another Breakthrough

Today several people told me they either stayed at church for the entire meeting this week or last week because of what I said in testimony meeting last week. That reaffirmed my decision that I made to move forward with my life and my family without certain people in it.

Having that affirmation from people in the congregation finally sealed the deal. I am over it. It is done. I officially nothing toward them anymore. No more anger and hatred. No nothing. They are just there. I feel the same toward them as I would a random stranger in the grocery store. Just nothing. And I hope and pray to be able to keep that up.

I think this week will be a normal week. I don't think I will have to replace my thoughts with something else or work reallt hard to not think about certain memories and think about how they never apologized for anything they did. I think this week I will just be able to think normally and feel normal and not have to work so hard to "not feel." I think this week I will just be a normal human being!

One man in my ward came up to me and told me his wife left him three months ago. None of us would ever know because she didn't come to church. He said she was leaving the house one day and siad to him, "Just so you know, I'm not coming back." And he said he has had a hard time listening to "families can be together forever" and "forgive everyone" stuff and would leave church. I couldn't leave church because of my children, but I would definitely find a place to hide! This poor man. I just wish I could give him a little glimpse of the light I have seen. He told me he stayed for all the meetings because of me.

I feel like I am back on the right track to being an influence for good in others lives. Before, I was nothing. Just taking up space at church. Not learning, not participating. Just occassionally playing piano if they needed me. But now I am an active participant and am affecting the lives of others for good.

I will keep this up. I will be an affective tool for strength and rightesousness and encouragement to others.

This poor man I told you about. . . . He and I have similar personalities and when it comes down to it we just aren't vanilla. We aren't going to go with everything and not everyone is going to like us. But God also thinks we are good enough on our own with anyone or anything adding anything to us to make us a little bit better. We have it within ourselves to be great with what we have.

I think I should write him a letter and tell him that.




M.