Reflecting

A certain event happened to me a few years ago. As the prospect of seeing this person, that did this particular thing to me, for the first time since the incident is coming closer and becoming more of a reality, I have been reflecting on the incident and what still continues to hurt me to this day.

I have tried very hard to be friends with this person for many many years. It was very important to me that I have a relationship with this person and I wanted a relationship with this person. I went to extremes to show this person that I wanted to be friends. I threw her baby showers, I spent my last dime to buy a plane ticket to help her drive a new car from one location to another, I set up times to get together and always went to her, I shared my work with her and gave her a job when she needed one.

She was very cold and unreceptive to my efforts. I continued to try knowing one day she would recognize that I just wanted to be friends and have a relationship with her.

Something then happened in the business and she chose not to complete the projects she committed to and not to return the funds that had been provided for her to do so. The part that hurts most about this is that I wanted so badly to be her friend and that action made it clear that she never intended to be my friend. No human being would do that to another human being, let alone a friend. I didn't want to quit even after that. I continued my efforts supporting her business efforts and talents. But it has become more and more clear to me that nothing with penetrate the wall she has put up between us.

The reason this has all come back into view after years and after I have let it all go is because there was hope in my heart that we would be friends still yet. I was going to have the opportunity to see this individual in July. And that would be the last time we would ever see each other, but I was hoping to make the most of it and let her know that in spite of what she did to me and in spite of the fact that she has something going on with her where she will not allow us to be friends, I was going to let her know that I was still there.

But, I think it's just time that I accept that she will never see my efforts for what they are. After the incident, I felt extremely hurt because all my efforts clearly meant nothing to her. I don't know if I was just a means of money to her, or what. That's all I could make of it since no friend would do that to another. So clearly I wasn't a friend to her. What was I then? Nothing. I was nothing. And to keep from hurting so bad I had to make the situation worse than it was in my head. Because the actual incident in my mind still wasn't worth terminating a friendship. But since there was no friendship I had to make it in my head something that was worth not trying to be her friend anymore. So I made her out in my head to be this monstrous person that I didn't want to be friends with. But now that I am clear minded about the situation and have put it in the past I just see it for what it was and see that she had no desire ever to be my friend and has not made an effort since as I have on many many occasions.

I think I'm not going to visit them. I think I'm just going to accept that nothing will ever be. I can't make her see the true intent of my heart and can't make her feel what I feel. I can't make her feel the hurt I felt when she did what she did to me. I can't make her feel the love I felt for her when I forgave her for it. I can't make her feel what she won't allow herself to feel.

I feel like I should go because it will be the last time I ever see her in this life. But I think it's better to just accept things as they are. Not waste my time anymore.

All of this is in the distant past now, but it all came up again as we were discussing meet up plans yesterday. But I think it's time to accept that I could give her the world and she would be cold and unreceptive. I think I'll just let it be. Leave it as it is, nothing more and nothing less. Let everyone be who they are. Just look forward. Focus on the people in my life who are receptive to what I have to give and offer. Not waste anymore time.

It's hard to accept this. But I know it will be better in the long run. And I still don't quite understand why it was so important to me. But for some reason it was extremely important to me that she and I be friends. I thinks it's because I knew if she allowed it, we could be great friends and accomplish great things together. I always thought she and I together could build a great and successful business. But for some reason she just won't let me in. And it is hard to accept that it will never be. but I will accept it. I will live the rest of my life without her in it. But I will always have that nagging at the back of my head. Even after she treated me so terribly, I still had that nagging because there is just some important reason why I should be friends with her. I think it will always be a struggle for me. It's like a death. I think that's what has been the hardest for me through all of it. I don't care anymore about the orders she failed to complete or the money she kept. It was her all along. It was losing her over that that hurt the most. It was grief that I felt and still feel. As if something died. Something I had worked so hard to nurture and care for. And it just died. It will just have to learn how to live with that grief. Because I can't keep "annoying" her with my attempts to be friends. It will just back fire in the end and result in something worse.

It just hurts. But going through the acceptance process will help it not to hurt anymore. Focusing my efforts on those who will receive it will help.

Just keep looking forward.