I had an extremely significant experience today. Probably the most significant spiritual moment I've ever had.
I can finally close a chapter of my life that I have desperately trying to close for years: the matter of my husband's sisters. I have dedicate much of my time to making things right with them and restoring our relationship to what it was before "the incident." Every few days I would literally pray, ponder and think about what I could do that day to remind them that I am still here and I still care. (This is how it came about that I found his sister had started working for a small business in her area and that day I thought my positive action toward her would be to purchase one of her creations and then endorse her skills on LinkedIn. Which leads me to Home Remedy Designs, a rival window treatments company she had created. Childish and hateful is all that was). I'd send emails, birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and whatever just to let them know I was still there and they were important to me. So much of my life has been devoted to these little careful things in an effort to make things as they were before the "incident."
Tonight, I did my usual. . . what can I do today to quietly and subtly remind them that I care about having a relationship with them? And I immediately received my answer. It is difficult to explain as it wasn't delivered in words. But if it had been words they would have said, "You have done all you can do and you don't need to continue doing this anymore. What you have done is sufficient in my eyes and I don't require anything further." It was such a relief! I can finally be done!
I have often said that I was moving on without my husband's family in my life. But it always felt like it came from a hateful and angry place. But tonight I was finally able to say that I was going to move on with my life without them being a part of it and it felt peaceful and like Heavenly Father thought that would be okay. I think it has been clear and apparent that they are cold and unreceptive to my attempts and I think Heavenly Father recognized the pain I experienced as a result of both their actions and inactions after repeated, innocent attempts and has finally freed me of any further obligation to make things as they were before. Because they won't do their part.
It was so important to me that we have a good relationship for our kids and especially for Garren's mom. But I finally felt at peace tonight thinking about not having to do that anymore. And tonight it didn't feel important to me at all. I felt nothing at all. I feel nothing for them anymore and it is very peaceful.
I have been waiting for this day for years. I didn't realize or expect that this is how the peace would come. I always thought the peace would come from us finally being able to move on from that incident. Or perhaps an apology on their part and perhaps accepting some responsibility for their poor decisions and their rival business. But that clearly isn't going to happen. So it came in the form of just no longer feeling obligated.
I finally can say I'm never going to speak of them again or have them in my life and it feels like it is okay. I am going to go see this sister in a few weeks and it will be the last time I ever see her in this life. I am not afraid anymore of how the visit will go because I feel nothing for her anymore. I do not feel angry toward her, sorry for her, love for her as a sister,. . . I feel nothing. So anything that could go wrong won't affect me. And if it all goes well and is positive then hopefully that will be something we can build off of. But right now there is nothing. I feel nothing. And it's so nice. Finally. But after this sentence, never again will I speak of them because I don't care. They are nothing to me at this point in time. I don't mean that to sounds negative. But they truly mean nothing to me right now. I'm not sure how else to put that to make it sound the way I feel and not make it sound hurtful, because I don't intend for it to be hurtful. I just mean it plain and simply.
Peace cannot be overstated.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Recovering and back at it!
I try to live a healthy lifestyle to avoid getting sick. I don't handle "resting" and sitting still very well. My mind wanders and I become very depressed very quickly. So when I came down with the flu, naturally I was quite afraid of spiraling into a depression. But I was pleasantly surprised! I had all kinds of down time and I was fine!
Last week I had read several scriptures and ensign articles about how you can know if you are headed in the right direction and using the atonement accurately. Forgiveness does not happen in a day. So it is important for those going through the process to recognize the little improvements along the way that let them know they are getting there. Otherwise, it is quite discouraging and feels easier to stay down once you have fallen. I have had several tiny moments this week that have told me I'm headed in the right direction and I am adding this experience with the flu to my list of things.
A long time ago I used to be quite fun and enjoyable to be around. I've grown to be quite grumpy and unhappy in recent years. But these past few weeks I have found myself reconnecting with the wittier part of myself. While I had the flu, I spent a lot of time in bed and on the couch. I found myself crafting jokes and one liners. I couldn't hardly believe it! I haven't done that since well before my kids were born. Don't take that to mean having kids makes you grumpy and unhappy. It's just having kids literally zaps the energy right out of you and kind of go into crisis survival mode Constantly. But lately, as my kids are old enough to make their own sandwiches and poor themselves milk, I have found myself having more fun with them on a different level as I don't feel so in "what's the plan" mode. Having young children, I always felt like I had to have a plan to make everything function properly. But now, I feel like I can lighten up and relax and have fun with my kids as kids and no babies anymore. I'm really enjoying the age they are at.
Anyway, yaddad yadda.. . . As I am reconnecting with the writer in myself as well I find myself wanting to write more jokes and comedic scenarios. But my novel definitely is not a comedy. I hope to channel that energy somehow because I'm definitely enjoying it! I feel like my old happy self :) It's good! It's a good day! Thank goodness for the flu to give me some down time to reconnect with fun Melissa rather than boring survival mode Melissa.
Last week I had read several scriptures and ensign articles about how you can know if you are headed in the right direction and using the atonement accurately. Forgiveness does not happen in a day. So it is important for those going through the process to recognize the little improvements along the way that let them know they are getting there. Otherwise, it is quite discouraging and feels easier to stay down once you have fallen. I have had several tiny moments this week that have told me I'm headed in the right direction and I am adding this experience with the flu to my list of things.
A long time ago I used to be quite fun and enjoyable to be around. I've grown to be quite grumpy and unhappy in recent years. But these past few weeks I have found myself reconnecting with the wittier part of myself. While I had the flu, I spent a lot of time in bed and on the couch. I found myself crafting jokes and one liners. I couldn't hardly believe it! I haven't done that since well before my kids were born. Don't take that to mean having kids makes you grumpy and unhappy. It's just having kids literally zaps the energy right out of you and kind of go into crisis survival mode Constantly. But lately, as my kids are old enough to make their own sandwiches and poor themselves milk, I have found myself having more fun with them on a different level as I don't feel so in "what's the plan" mode. Having young children, I always felt like I had to have a plan to make everything function properly. But now, I feel like I can lighten up and relax and have fun with my kids as kids and no babies anymore. I'm really enjoying the age they are at.
Anyway, yaddad yadda.. . . As I am reconnecting with the writer in myself as well I find myself wanting to write more jokes and comedic scenarios. But my novel definitely is not a comedy. I hope to channel that energy somehow because I'm definitely enjoying it! I feel like my old happy self :) It's good! It's a good day! Thank goodness for the flu to give me some down time to reconnect with fun Melissa rather than boring survival mode Melissa.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Wrapping up the week
I've been working really hard lately to be a better person. All around. I want to be happier, more peaceful, kinder, etc. And I have felt so much better in all these areas this week. But one thing has me so down today. The Janet Abaroa murder was on 20/20 last night and I've just been in a funk all day. Janet and Raven met at SVU. Her last year there was my first year. She was murdered the month before Garren and I got married. Earlier this week he took the Alford plea deal which mean he accepts the consequences for the action without pleading guilty. So he was sentence to 95-123 months in jail, time already served counts. Which means he'll be back out by 2018. The whole thing is sickening. And it just makes me sad. They said, "This is good for everyone because Raven goes to jail and now the family can begin to heal and move one." WHAT?!?!? SERIOUSLY?!?! How does that help the family move on?! If I were in the family I would be extremely unsatisfied. The entire story, including court is here on WRAL's website. The most unsettling part was hearing all the friends testify and talk about all these places around campus I'd been a million times. ugh! NO JUSTICE! Life is so unfair!
So, to make myself feel better, we looked at several hiking trails in the alps as a family :) We think we have it narrowed to the France side or the Switzerland side. There's one hike we found that starts in France and ends in Italy that looked interesting to us, but we are limited to what our kids can handle. So we have to find a trail that doesn't have an "Avid" portions in it.
Marathon training is picking back up after a week off (except Wednesday). My kids and husband had the flu. But everyone is back to normal. I'm going to back to 5 am runs this upcoming week. Unless it snows on Tuesday and then all my mental faculties will surely be too challenged to run. :) I will admit though. .. . I like having fun with my kids on snow days :) Garren says, "They should be doing school work at home because that's what they would be doing otherwise." I say, "Uh huh. After we build a fort." :)
Oh, and, on another note. I didn't get the flu. And I always get what my kids bring in the house. I am convinced it is my doTERRA oils. That's the only thing that has changed in my lifestyle. I'm convinced! Anyone use doTERRA?
So, to make myself feel better, we looked at several hiking trails in the alps as a family :) We think we have it narrowed to the France side or the Switzerland side. There's one hike we found that starts in France and ends in Italy that looked interesting to us, but we are limited to what our kids can handle. So we have to find a trail that doesn't have an "Avid" portions in it.
Marathon training is picking back up after a week off (except Wednesday). My kids and husband had the flu. But everyone is back to normal. I'm going to back to 5 am runs this upcoming week. Unless it snows on Tuesday and then all my mental faculties will surely be too challenged to run. :) I will admit though. .. . I like having fun with my kids on snow days :) Garren says, "They should be doing school work at home because that's what they would be doing otherwise." I say, "Uh huh. After we build a fort." :)
Oh, and, on another note. I didn't get the flu. And I always get what my kids bring in the house. I am convinced it is my doTERRA oils. That's the only thing that has changed in my lifestyle. I'm convinced! Anyone use doTERRA?
Friday, March 21, 2014
Novel!!
Okay, enough with the heavy!
When I have OCD flair ups I tend to get extremely personal and heavy in my writing. This is for several reason: 1) I have trouble controlling my thoughts and tend to obsess about one particular thing. 2) I try to channel that obsession and tend to do it through intense scripture study, prayer and meditation. So the result is days and days of purging myself of all "worldly" things like tv, radio, media, etc and listen to nothing but church hymns and conference talks for a few days straight.
But then I snap out of it and come back to reality. Of course, this personal improvement continues as I do try to fit in personal scripture study, etc into my daily life. But I do like the occasional Arrested Development episode. And let's not pretend my life wouldn't be empty without Henry Cavill O'clock. . . This would be the point at night when I want to give up on working, but I have to go on! And I google Henry Cavill. :) That usually gives me some more energy.
Speaking of work. . . a few months ago I wrote to seamstresses of Christmas past, present and future to find who would take over the business. It was my golden ticket email to my WIllie Wonka moment. So I have my amazing team of women assembled and ready to take over! I am finishing up a few things, training videos, etc and then on to the next venture! My next business was going to be. . something awesome that I am still determined to make work but can't afford a key piece of it yet. So what I am going to do for my next business venture? I have two goals, one long term and one short term. I'd like to design and create textiles for films. A friend of mine is a filmmaker and I was an Associate Producer of his film Black Bird. And yes, you will see the business name there under Company Credits. He lives in Tennessee and it would be super awesome to work with him at some point. He plans to film in Tennessee as well. So I'm hoping I can offer my services to him in the future and start building a portfolio. That would be super awesome. Short term: My Novel. I've finally created a time line. If anyone cares I made a tab for it. Ha! That's to keep myself in check, of course.
So, my novel. . . It's about. . . . nope! Lips are sealed. You didn't think I was absent the day of writing class where we were instructed not to divulge our ideas, did you? But it's pretty awesome. I know this because when I get ideas that I know will be successful I tend to fill up every spare moment of my day (marathon training) with something so that I can avoid doing this awesome thing because it's so big and so great that it almost scares me. But it's time to put that aside and get this novel written.
My only problem right now is that I have to read a bunch so I can get my mind sharp for writing. The best thing you can do for writing is to read. And I have to read Dystopian Society books and I hate those. buh. But my novel is, in fact, a dystopian society book, even though I hate them. So I need to get in the loop on that genre. And I have the Hunger Games movie to watch tonight while I work, but I just. . meh. . . I don't want anything to do with it! Dystopian Society novels and movies mess with my head! 1984 was the worst. I've only read it once and it was 15 years ago and to this DAY I wonder who's watching me through the tv! And Brave New World? Forget it! I'm still expecting the day when we start rationing drugs to everyone to keep everyone happy and peaceful. And my novel is. going. to. mess. with. your. mind. But in a positive way. It's going to be different from other dystopian novels because it will get you thinking about a positive outcome. See, other dystopian society novels show you where we are headed if we do certain things and make certain choices. But my novel starts in a dysfunctional universe and works itself out of it! It's going to be UH-MAZING. Well, I think so anyway. ha! Not bragging, but I do have a history of awesome ideas that turned out to be total successes! On the other hand I have a history of not awesome choices too. Like that pay day when I went down to the bank to see about getting a loan to buy a B and B. SO glad that didn't end up being my next business venture. Holy cow!
I can't wait to finish up with my work so I can get started on my novel! And I need to finish this marathon stuff and get it out of my system. Ha!
(Someone asked me about my time the other day. I do have an affinity for time management. I'm just very good at it. Always have been. But that's also because I can't sit still, so I get a lot done. So here's how it goes for right now. It's about to change when I officially turn over the business to my lovely ladies. Wake up at 5 and run for two hours. Work until Miriam gets home at 1pm. Piano lesson practice and letters and numbers practice with Miriam until Josh gets home at 2:30. Homework and Piano lesson practice. Then we spend the afternoon doing any of the following: science experiments, playing in the play room, going to the park or we go to the gym on days that I don't go at 5 am. And gymnastics on Thursdays or swim lessons. Baths at 5:30, dinner at 6, bedtimes at 6:45when my husband comes home from work. Then I work from 7pm to 10 pm or whenever I am done. but if I get up at 5 I have to finish at 10. And when I take a break from working I blog :) When do my husband and I spend time together? The other day we blew kisses at each other passing in our cars dropping off the kids at their schools. jk. . . Garren works for the company too and helps me in the evenings to assemble mounting blocks, or whatever when he isn't doing the numbers. Occasionally we have lunch together before I get Miriam from school. Weekends are anything goes! Coming up, when I am done with work, I plan to write while the kids are at school. I'm so excited to get started. But a little scared and nervous. My idea has a TON of potential and I hope I can do it justice).
When I have OCD flair ups I tend to get extremely personal and heavy in my writing. This is for several reason: 1) I have trouble controlling my thoughts and tend to obsess about one particular thing. 2) I try to channel that obsession and tend to do it through intense scripture study, prayer and meditation. So the result is days and days of purging myself of all "worldly" things like tv, radio, media, etc and listen to nothing but church hymns and conference talks for a few days straight.
But then I snap out of it and come back to reality. Of course, this personal improvement continues as I do try to fit in personal scripture study, etc into my daily life. But I do like the occasional Arrested Development episode. And let's not pretend my life wouldn't be empty without Henry Cavill O'clock. . . This would be the point at night when I want to give up on working, but I have to go on! And I google Henry Cavill. :) That usually gives me some more energy.
Speaking of work. . . a few months ago I wrote to seamstresses of Christmas past, present and future to find who would take over the business. It was my golden ticket email to my WIllie Wonka moment. So I have my amazing team of women assembled and ready to take over! I am finishing up a few things, training videos, etc and then on to the next venture! My next business was going to be. . something awesome that I am still determined to make work but can't afford a key piece of it yet. So what I am going to do for my next business venture? I have two goals, one long term and one short term. I'd like to design and create textiles for films. A friend of mine is a filmmaker and I was an Associate Producer of his film Black Bird. And yes, you will see the business name there under Company Credits. He lives in Tennessee and it would be super awesome to work with him at some point. He plans to film in Tennessee as well. So I'm hoping I can offer my services to him in the future and start building a portfolio. That would be super awesome. Short term: My Novel. I've finally created a time line. If anyone cares I made a tab for it. Ha! That's to keep myself in check, of course.
So, my novel. . . It's about. . . . nope! Lips are sealed. You didn't think I was absent the day of writing class where we were instructed not to divulge our ideas, did you? But it's pretty awesome. I know this because when I get ideas that I know will be successful I tend to fill up every spare moment of my day (marathon training) with something so that I can avoid doing this awesome thing because it's so big and so great that it almost scares me. But it's time to put that aside and get this novel written.
My only problem right now is that I have to read a bunch so I can get my mind sharp for writing. The best thing you can do for writing is to read. And I have to read Dystopian Society books and I hate those. buh. But my novel is, in fact, a dystopian society book, even though I hate them. So I need to get in the loop on that genre. And I have the Hunger Games movie to watch tonight while I work, but I just. . meh. . . I don't want anything to do with it! Dystopian Society novels and movies mess with my head! 1984 was the worst. I've only read it once and it was 15 years ago and to this DAY I wonder who's watching me through the tv! And Brave New World? Forget it! I'm still expecting the day when we start rationing drugs to everyone to keep everyone happy and peaceful. And my novel is. going. to. mess. with. your. mind. But in a positive way. It's going to be different from other dystopian novels because it will get you thinking about a positive outcome. See, other dystopian society novels show you where we are headed if we do certain things and make certain choices. But my novel starts in a dysfunctional universe and works itself out of it! It's going to be UH-MAZING. Well, I think so anyway. ha! Not bragging, but I do have a history of awesome ideas that turned out to be total successes! On the other hand I have a history of not awesome choices too. Like that pay day when I went down to the bank to see about getting a loan to buy a B and B. SO glad that didn't end up being my next business venture. Holy cow!
I can't wait to finish up with my work so I can get started on my novel! And I need to finish this marathon stuff and get it out of my system. Ha!
(Someone asked me about my time the other day. I do have an affinity for time management. I'm just very good at it. Always have been. But that's also because I can't sit still, so I get a lot done. So here's how it goes for right now. It's about to change when I officially turn over the business to my lovely ladies. Wake up at 5 and run for two hours. Work until Miriam gets home at 1pm. Piano lesson practice and letters and numbers practice with Miriam until Josh gets home at 2:30. Homework and Piano lesson practice. Then we spend the afternoon doing any of the following: science experiments, playing in the play room, going to the park or we go to the gym on days that I don't go at 5 am. And gymnastics on Thursdays or swim lessons. Baths at 5:30, dinner at 6, bedtimes at 6:45when my husband comes home from work. Then I work from 7pm to 10 pm or whenever I am done. but if I get up at 5 I have to finish at 10. And when I take a break from working I blog :) When do my husband and I spend time together? The other day we blew kisses at each other passing in our cars dropping off the kids at their schools. jk. . . Garren works for the company too and helps me in the evenings to assemble mounting blocks, or whatever when he isn't doing the numbers. Occasionally we have lunch together before I get Miriam from school. Weekends are anything goes! Coming up, when I am done with work, I plan to write while the kids are at school. I'm so excited to get started. But a little scared and nervous. My idea has a TON of potential and I hope I can do it justice).
Confirmatin
When I receive the Ensign, a monthly publication from the church that includes uplifting and spiritual messages, I usually start in the back. If I start in the front I miss all the fun little stories and updates in the back. So today, I finally got around to opening it from the front :) The first presidency message was on Service!
Earlier this week I had been wondering if I would qualify for the blessings of peace and finally feel that "conversion" moment where I would be free of anger and not desire to do evil anymore. I wondered if I was on the right track or if I was doing things for the right reasons. When I read this ensign article I became overwhelmed with joy and emotion! I got to this paragraph and knew I was on the right track!
"One of the assurances that you are being purified is an increasing desire to serve others for the Savior. Home teaching and visiting teaching become more of a joy and less of a chore. You find yourself volunteering more often in a local school or helping care for the poor in your community. Even though you may have little money to give to those who have less, you wish you had more so that you could give more (see Mosiah 4:24). You find yourself eager to serve your children and to show them how to serve others."
Oh the joy I felt at this message! Not only am I on the right track but I am moving forward! I feel good sometimes and feel like I'm on the right track, but I wonder if I am moving, making progress. And after reading this I truly feel like I am leaping forward to that moment that I so desire. As I wrote my post earlier this week and mid post received the inspiration to perform a service for someone, I had no clue what it really meant. I thought Heavenly Father was just blessing me with a distraction. But now I realize that it is a significant event in my healing. And then yesterday when I was finally prompted with a way to make Mother's For Service work! I know that was yet another significant event! I made have been seeking a way to think of something else than my anxiety, but I did it prayerfully and alongside the Lord. And I think Heavenly Father knew and understood this and felt that I was ready to have another significant event to move forward toward my true conversion goal.
I am so grateful for this. As I am working on some things for the business right now I have some conference talks on about charity. And I have heard this several times: "Love shared is love multiplied." We are counseled to share the love of God when we have felt it in our own lives as a way of expressing gratitude. And I truly have felt his love as I continue to grow and improve.
I am in awe that He knows who I am. I am in awe that He can pay attention to our miniscule problems as though we are the only person he has to listen to. What love! Can you even imagine such love?
Earlier this week I had been wondering if I would qualify for the blessings of peace and finally feel that "conversion" moment where I would be free of anger and not desire to do evil anymore. I wondered if I was on the right track or if I was doing things for the right reasons. When I read this ensign article I became overwhelmed with joy and emotion! I got to this paragraph and knew I was on the right track!
"One of the assurances that you are being purified is an increasing desire to serve others for the Savior. Home teaching and visiting teaching become more of a joy and less of a chore. You find yourself volunteering more often in a local school or helping care for the poor in your community. Even though you may have little money to give to those who have less, you wish you had more so that you could give more (see Mosiah 4:24). You find yourself eager to serve your children and to show them how to serve others."
Oh the joy I felt at this message! Not only am I on the right track but I am moving forward! I feel good sometimes and feel like I'm on the right track, but I wonder if I am moving, making progress. And after reading this I truly feel like I am leaping forward to that moment that I so desire. As I wrote my post earlier this week and mid post received the inspiration to perform a service for someone, I had no clue what it really meant. I thought Heavenly Father was just blessing me with a distraction. But now I realize that it is a significant event in my healing. And then yesterday when I was finally prompted with a way to make Mother's For Service work! I know that was yet another significant event! I made have been seeking a way to think of something else than my anxiety, but I did it prayerfully and alongside the Lord. And I think Heavenly Father knew and understood this and felt that I was ready to have another significant event to move forward toward my true conversion goal.
I am so grateful for this. As I am working on some things for the business right now I have some conference talks on about charity. And I have heard this several times: "Love shared is love multiplied." We are counseled to share the love of God when we have felt it in our own lives as a way of expressing gratitude. And I truly have felt his love as I continue to grow and improve.
I am in awe that He knows who I am. I am in awe that He can pay attention to our miniscule problems as though we are the only person he has to listen to. What love! Can you even imagine such love?
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Blog update!
I made lots of changes and updates to the blog because I've recently discovered that I have readers and followers. :) I didn't realize I did. I thought I was talking to myself. Which was fine. I mostly only used this blog to help me say things out loud so I could heal and change and grow. I also wanted to record life changing experiences and events. Not necessarily for people to read. But since people do read, I've added some tabs for you to get some back story if you feel lost and to learn more about me and why my family and faith is so important to me.
I will try to be conscious of the fact that people do read this, but the reality of this blog is that I use it to try to improve myself and my life. And sometimes I fail miserably. And that isn't always fun to read. I'm also not always happy. I'm not always fun. And this isn't a family blog. I'm not always pleasant and I've been told I'm very direct. :) While these are things that come through in my writing, what I do strive for and aim for is positivity, improvement, love, generosity, improvement and the like.
I am trying to be the best person I can be, but I am also trying to deal and heal from experiences I have been through recently. You can check out the Melissa's Story tab for details on that if you'd like to be updated and brought up to speed on that because I refer to it a lot on the blog as I am still dealing with it and healing and growing from it.
If I do have readers, I hope to inspire. But I didn't even know I had readers, so welcome! But I hope someone will read this and see how I came out of a situation of betrayal and let it be the best things that happened to my spiritual life instead of letting it break me.
Happy reading.
I will try to be conscious of the fact that people do read this, but the reality of this blog is that I use it to try to improve myself and my life. And sometimes I fail miserably. And that isn't always fun to read. I'm also not always happy. I'm not always fun. And this isn't a family blog. I'm not always pleasant and I've been told I'm very direct. :) While these are things that come through in my writing, what I do strive for and aim for is positivity, improvement, love, generosity, improvement and the like.
I am trying to be the best person I can be, but I am also trying to deal and heal from experiences I have been through recently. You can check out the Melissa's Story tab for details on that if you'd like to be updated and brought up to speed on that because I refer to it a lot on the blog as I am still dealing with it and healing and growing from it.
If I do have readers, I hope to inspire. But I didn't even know I had readers, so welcome! But I hope someone will read this and see how I came out of a situation of betrayal and let it be the best things that happened to my spiritual life instead of letting it break me.
Happy reading.
This blog is about making my own path through the guidance of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
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