Perseverance

I try to keep a journal or my daily happenings. But I find it hard as my days vary in ups and downs. It often feels primarily of downs. And I have been thinking lately that it is time to accept the sadness of my life. Sadness brought on by others, by my own choices, by circumstances, etc. And it is time to accept that I was not born for happiness. Not happiness, but something. I still have a purpose and can still function. I've just made room for the sadness. I find joy in things, but am overall a sad person. And so I do not wish to record the daily events of my life. But if one word could sum up my life, I wouldn't want it to be sadness. I'd want it to be persevere.

I have not endured as much as some, but enough to influence my life a great deal. I find myself often connecting with the sadness found in John Steinbeck novels or even connecting with Scarlet Ohara. :) The people both endured trials and hardships, but they lived through the particular trial. I know my sadness will not kill me, so I need to persevere. I need to continue on and find the joy. I will not let the sadness overtake my life.

I have decided to write some experiences from my past where I persevered through difficult challenges hoping to find some inspiration from my past self to influence my present self.

When I was a freshman in high school I was in a dram class. The teacher had us read a play he wrote that I felt was wildly inappropriate. The play had a good message, but the subject matter was teen suicide, something that I personally felt was not appropriate for a bunch of young, vulnerable, high school students. He asked for our opinion. I raised my hand and he said, "I don't want a Mormon's opinion." It was my very first year of high school. I can't even recall how he knew I was Mormon. This public humiliation was extremely painful to me. I wanted to remove myself from the situation. I prayed to know if I should stay and be a "positive influence" on this person who clearly had the wrong idea about Mormons. I felt that he was not ready to receive such influence and that I needed to leave the class. The only other class available during that hour was choir. I had zero singing ability, but did have some familiarity with music having taken piano lessons and played clarinet for five years. I was very hesitant, feeling like I would enter a place full of talented people and felt like my lack of singing ability would bring them down. I was determined to not let that happen and to do well in this class so that I didn't have to be in the other class.

I worked daily on my singing. I learned to sight read really well and sang so much that my vocal cords became extremely developed. I found a happy home there in choir and not only learned to sing, but was admitted the following year into the top choir and then subsequently into the elite choir made up of a small portion of members from the top choir. I even went on to audition for a regional choir. After my solo the judge gave me a 59/60 and explained that they aren't allowed to give a 60 because "no one is perfect." But told me to consider my 59/60 a perfect. Then she wrote underneath that, "See you in regional choir." Unfortunately, at the time, my sight reading skills were not on par with my competitors and singing perfectly didn't measure up to sight reading abilities and I did not, in fact make the regional choir. But I was still content as three years earlier I had no singing ability to speak of.

I persevered and developed a talent out of a situation that made me very sad. It took many years to develop and is something that still brings me joy today. I will be singing a solo with my friend, Renee, on the harp on Easter Sunday.

I do believe that we have two directions we can go when we have felt wounded and hurt. And I do believe that if we choose the right direction, it will take time, but we will be blessed with joy and be able to bless others with joy with whatever lesson we have learned from that which wounded us. As a result of the public humiliation I experienced that fall of 14 years ago, I now hope to inspire others and help them feel the spirit on Easter Sunday.

You never know who you might touch or inspire. And it may take 14 years. But you must persevere. And not only will you be blessed, but the lives of others in your life will be blessed.