Inspiration

I received a letter form my sister, Ashley, who is in boot camp. She is doing well. I was so inspired. She talked about how they broke her down as far they could then started to build her back up from the ground. She said, "I never let them break me all the way." I was so inspired. She is so strong. I could never go through all that. She talked about doing the gas chamber. I'd cry hysterically and probably throw a temper tantrum or two.

I was thinking about why we do things that are hard. I ran tonight and ran up a difficult steep hill. I used to stop and walk it. But tonight I said to myself, "Running this is what will separate me from the people who walk it because it's easier." Ad I ran it for the first time. It was hard and it hurt, but I found myself continuing to run even when I was at the top of the hill.

We do these things to separate ourselves from those who only do the things that are easy. Those who just want to take the easy way.

I thought tonight about where I am at in my life and thought about how I'm in such a solid place in my mind, my heart. . .  in recent years, I was just going through the motions. I did things only because that's what I did at that time every day. There was no purpose to anything in my life. One thing I knew I had to do, even when I wasn't thinking in my right mind, I knew I had to continue going to church. I knew it would be harder to come back from not going at all than it would be to come back just in mind and spirit. So I continued to go. I would often go into the mothers lounge and wait till church was over. And eventually I asked to play the piano in primary. No one really notices you there. It was a really hard time in my life. I didn't where to go, didn't know what to do. Didn't know how to act and didn't have any answers. But one thing was for sure, and that was that I had to continue going to church no matter how much it made thing of certain people in my life that I didn't want to think about anymore, and no matter how much I disliked hearing the talks and lessons, I knew I had to physically be there. And I realize now that Heavenly Father recognized that. And he waited patiently for me to come out of it. At the time I felt abandoned because I had no answers, felt lost without any guidance. But I realize now how much Heavenly Father knows us individually and the love he has for us, for me.

There was once a story about a sick boy who was quarantined. His father could only watched through a window. He couldn't do anything to help, couldn't even be heard by the son. And all the father could do was watch him suffer. It was likened to Heavenly Father's perspective when we make choices in our lives that cause us pain and suffering. He cannot just step in and fix it all for us, snap us out of it or heal us. We have to be in a position where we can accept Him and His help and love for us. But as long as we make poor choices and suffer the consequences, the extent of what Heavenly Father can do for us is wait and watch. But He is always there. Waiting. Watching. And ready to help us at any time. Of course, there is a degree of healing that must happen before he can be fully present in our lives, just as the sick boy must heal before unquarantined. But Heavenly Father will be there and will wait until we are fully ready to receive Him.

I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. I know without it, I would not have got through the extremely difficult trial I recently went through. It took me three years to come out of it even with the gospel in my life. If I didn't have it, I'd be a big mess right now. I likely would have destroyed my family and continued to make worse and worse choices.

It was hard to go through that. And I am glad I did. Just as I ran that hill tonight to separate myself  from others, to put myself in the "elite" group, I perserveered through the hard times determined to come out of it making positive choices. And now I am better than ever and my family is better than ever. And I feel like having made it through that successfully without falling apart puts me in an "elite" group, the group of people who don't choose divorce as the easy way out. The group of people that fix something when it's broken instead of throwing it out. But you can't be in the elite group without Heavenly Father. Because in this day and age, you can't keep a family together with Heavenly Father. Too many outside influences. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are the only way.