The flu!

The flu has struck our house! Everyone is sick but me. I hope I don't get it. I am hoping my "extreme" marathon training has substantially improved my immune system. Plus, I kind of think my doTerra stuff is helping. I thought it would be interesting to try out, but I think it has made all the difference!

Well, I have added another thing to my plate. I know I have way too much going on right now to add another thing, but I think this will be good on so many levels. As a visit with my husband's sisters continues to get closer and more real, I have been having a great deal of anxiety. And when I felt inspire to serve as a way to combat that anxiety, I realized that service is something that needs to be a part of my regular life if I am going to be able to truly qualify for those that "conversion" I have been diligently seeking.

Allow me to clarify. I love my sisters in law very much. Each of them. I am at peace in my heart with each of them and long to have a good and healthy relationship with them. I am very much looking forward to this visit so we can start building a relationship on good face to face experiences since we haven't even seen each other since the incident happened. Through the love of Christ I have been able to heal and feel love for them again. I pray for them and pray for their health, safety and peace daily. I think of them often and think of good memories we have together. But everyone now and again a bad memory slips in and this is where I am currently struggling.

I said some really terrible things to and about them. I regret them and have apologized profusely. I continue to try to make things right by reaching out to connect in various ways, I continue to make them a part of my life by remembering their birthdays, etc. I try to live as thought nothing happened. But it did happen. They can choose to not be hurt by what I said, but they acted. And I continue to have to deal with their actions every day. They can choose to ignore me and forget or not be hurt by what I said, but I couldn't choose to ignore their actions. I had to fix their mistakes. I had to complete their orders. I had to find help to complete their orders. I had work on Christmas and Thanksgiving to complete their orders. This was something I couldn't escape. I couldn't turn of f the computer, ignore an email, ignore a text message. I had to do it all for them. And the fact that they never reached out to me to accept responsibility for their poor behavior while I still to this continue to apologize and make things right has made it very clear to me that they don't care about me at all. They ignore my attempts and continue to hurt me by their inactions. And they continued to act by making their own custom window treatments business which I found years after the fact on Linkedin. So I continue to suffer daily as a result of their actions while they can just go on with their lives choosing not to be hurt by what I said. (The way it came about, I think, is what hurts the most. I was thinking one night, how can innocently remind her that I am here and that I love her and care about her? I had learned of a new sewing venture she had undertaken and I did a search for her on LinkedIn so I could "endorse" her sewing skills as just a quiet reminder that I do love and care about her and think of her often. And then her window treatments business came it. I can't even describe to you what it felt like. I couldn't breathe. All the time I had spent to see and love her for the person she was felt completely undone because when I saw that I thought, "No human being could do this to another." and I felt like I couldn't see her as a human being anymore because she felt like a monster to me. But, again, in the strength of the Lord I came to quickly forgive as I did see her as a person. I did see that she was a flawed human being that clearly didn't understand what she was doing to me or selfishly didn't think about what something like that would do to me. And I did eventually grow to love her again as I had before). But as far as I am concerned, I will continue to love them, continue to pray for them and (here is where I am struggling) continue to make an attempt to reconnect in a healthy way.

So, here is why I am struggling with this. We are going to be visiting together next month. And I so badly want my kids to have a relationship with their cousins. And I am so looking forward to building on healthy experiences with my husband's sister. I have imagine us having a great time together. But here is my concern: Because of the inactions, and because of the nonattempts to rectify how they hurt me, and (coming back to the present) not acknowledging my attempt to connect has made it quite plain that they don't care about me. And that's fine. they don't have to care about me. But what I am wondering is should I leave it at that? Should I leave her alone during our visit because she doesn't have a desire to have a relationship with me? Or should I continue and be unwavering in my efforts to rectify this relationship and try to have good experiences with her that we can build on from there? I'm inclined to the latter only because I would do that no matter what. I would do whatever it takes to not have anyone have hurt feelings because of me, and to have a good relationship with her would just be amazing to me. But to have a relationship is a two way street and if she doesn't care about me, should I just leave her alone?  It was clear with her rival window treatments business that she cares very little about my feelings. But I care about her. And I care about her family and her feelings and her life. So would it more caring of me to leave her alone and stop trying to develop a relationship that she doesn't want or doesn't care about? Or would it be better to continue trying and show her that there is something beneficial and healthy here? While my attempts are completely unselfish and have a desirable result where the family is concerned, is it more unselfish to just leave it since she clearly isn't in that frame of mind?

This is where the anxiety is. I am thinking of the visit wondering do I make an attempt to do things together with our kids? or do I just let our kids play together and I leave and go somewhere by myself to avoid making her feel obligated to have "moments" with me to build on? Then I ask the question, am I doing this so I can feel better? See, if I had good healthy moments to build on, I feel like I would have new memories to replace the old negative ones with that creep into my mind. So I am asking myself, is it selfish of me to desire these moments so that I can feel better? Is the truly unselfish thing to just live in my pain silently and leave her alone? Of course feeling better about the past is definitely a reason for desiring this visit with her. But I want to be sure that that isn't the only reason. Because then my desire for healthy interaction would quickly become unhealthy once the prior incident was rectified.

I don't know. I'm just haunted by the memories. When I go to my workroom, I am flooded with memories of the late nights spent suffering through the consequences of their choices and actions. But the thing that hurts the worst is when I am flooded with the good memories we had working together and how they threw that all away on a misunderstanding. The pain can be overwhelming sometimes.

Again, to be clear, I am quite at peace with them in my heart. And I truly love them. I care for them very much and wish I could be a part of their lives. But I am still haunted by memories. And I continue in learning how to deal with those memories and those feelings that creep in. But I truly believe as I work toward this "conversion" I so seek, just as Enos had his conversion, I do believe that I will be able to forget those memories and feelings and they will be as foreign to me as though they never happened. I have faith that that is the Lord's desire for me. And the other day he gave me the means whereby I might accomplish this: Service. So I have decided to try Mothers For Service again!

About six years ago, I started a group called mothers for service. We had two groups, group A and Group B. Group A would go serve while group B would watch this kids. We were to do this twice a month alternating group a and group b. This proved overwhelming. Even though we had all the group B moms there with group a and group b kids, there were just too many kids in one space. So I think we're going to try this again and have partners instead. We'll still have group a and group b, but one member of the partnership (partnership are based on location) will be partner A and one will be partner b. Then all the as will meet at the service location while all the bs watch the kids. So, in my case, I live down the street from another mom I know would be up for this and she has two kids. So I would only have a total of four kids in my house which is totally manageable. So we'll all team up and decide who will be a and who will be b. And then we will pick a day that works for "Feeding America" and make that our service day!

I think this will be an amazing thing and be the beginning of my "conversion" event as I close this chapter of my life and let that event be in the past. I think this will be what I need to forget the memories and feelings I had and be completely healthy! Then my relationship with my husband's sisters can be completely healthy. If they want it, that is.

As I wrote all that out, I kind of felt more inclined toward the first option: just leave her alone. I think as long as she cares so little for me, I can't work toward building a healthy relationship since I'm the only that wants it. I'll just be there and be available, but I think I should just do my own thing. That makes me very sad, but I feel that is the answer to my prayer concerning the visit. I'll continue to pray for and seek opportunities to have a healthy relationship with her, but I'll leave it up to her. It makes me sad because I then think of things like Home Remedy Designs and how am reminded how little she cares for me. And I think it will never happen. And that makes me so sad. But I think I have done all I can do. I have apologize profusely, always been the first to reach out with an email, always sought opportunities to show her I cared. I think for it to turn into a relationship I have to let her do something. It feels hopeless. But I think that is the answer to my prayer.

To be fair, she did send me the first email once. She asked me if she could make a skirt for Miriam. She never did. But she did make the attempt! She did write the first email! So I will hold on to that and hope that maybe somewhere in there she does care! I'll continue to hope, but I truly feel now that I just need to leave her alone. :*( I guess it's a good thing I'm running a marathon that weekend. Maybe I'll just spend the day before the marathon stretching and doing tempos. Then I won't ruin her visit with her brother. I'll just let it go. :( I think that's the most unselfish thing I could in this situation, and that is what I want to be. So even though it hurts me and makes me sad, I think that's what's best. I can't make her care. I can't make her see how much she hurt me. I can't make her do anything. So I will just leave her alone. :(