A parenting victory

Parenting victories don't seem to come along often, and so I like to note when they do.

I am trying very hard to teach my children to find something to love about everyone and everything. When are eating a meal, I ask my kids to find one nice thing they can say about it. I am doing this because I would mortified if they were invited to a friends house for a meal and said some of the stuff they say to me about my meals. Joshua is getting very good at it. There was one meal I made that he just didn't like at all. I told him he doesn't have to like everything, but he can still find something nice to say about it. He told me he liked that I made it so colorful. :) That counts! Any compliment works.

I try to do this same thing when they talk about their teachers or friends at school I ask them what they like about being with these people. I try to teach them that if someone is "weird" that's not a reason to not love them or not hang out with them. That's just another thing to love about them.

So, I do this every day and feel like I get nowhere and that everything I say goes in one ear and out the other. But I have been steadfast in my efforts to teach them to only see good.

Today Miriam jumped into my lap (literally) and grasped me tightly around the neck. I said, "Miriam, I love you. Do you love me?" She said, "Yes, mommy. I love you." I broke my grip around her and put my arms out as wide as I could and said, "I love you this much!" Miriam broke her grasp, put both of her hands on my face, and said, "Mom, I love all the things that are you."

I win :)

A little light in a confusing time

The discussion of evolution often creeps into the conversation when I am asked about my religion. And my friend found some very pertinent quotes from church leaders that I hope to memorize and have on hand for just such occasions.

"Animals seem pretty wonderful to me. I'd be content to discover that I share a common heritage with them..." -Henry Eyring, 1969

"The opening chapters of Genesis, and scriptures related thereto, were never intended as a textbook of geology, archaeology, earth-science or man-science... We do not show reverence for the scriptures when we misapply them through faulty interpretation." -James E. Talmage, 1931

"Our mission is to bear the message of the restored gospel to the world. Leave geology, biology, archaeology, and anthropology, no one of which has to do with the salvation of the souls of mankind, to scientific research..." -Heber J. Grant, 1931

 

Sometimes my answers to some questions are that I simply don't know enough about the subject to allow myself to explore anything but what the church teaches. I do not allow myself to deeply study certain things in any other capacity or from any other source other than the church until I have a firmer grasp on the subject. Then I feel comfortable exploring outside sources. This is one of those subjects that I would like to learn more about and study, but I will have to first explore the literature from the church before expanding to other sources. This has been a good start.  

Reflecting

A certain event happened to me a few years ago. As the prospect of seeing this person, that did this particular thing to me, for the first time since the incident is coming closer and becoming more of a reality, I have been reflecting on the incident and what still continues to hurt me to this day.

I have tried very hard to be friends with this person for many many years. It was very important to me that I have a relationship with this person and I wanted a relationship with this person. I went to extremes to show this person that I wanted to be friends. I threw her baby showers, I spent my last dime to buy a plane ticket to help her drive a new car from one location to another, I set up times to get together and always went to her, I shared my work with her and gave her a job when she needed one.

She was very cold and unreceptive to my efforts. I continued to try knowing one day she would recognize that I just wanted to be friends and have a relationship with her.

Something then happened in the business and she chose not to complete the projects she committed to and not to return the funds that had been provided for her to do so. The part that hurts most about this is that I wanted so badly to be her friend and that action made it clear that she never intended to be my friend. No human being would do that to another human being, let alone a friend. I didn't want to quit even after that. I continued my efforts supporting her business efforts and talents. But it has become more and more clear to me that nothing with penetrate the wall she has put up between us.

The reason this has all come back into view after years and after I have let it all go is because there was hope in my heart that we would be friends still yet. I was going to have the opportunity to see this individual in July. And that would be the last time we would ever see each other, but I was hoping to make the most of it and let her know that in spite of what she did to me and in spite of the fact that she has something going on with her where she will not allow us to be friends, I was going to let her know that I was still there.

But, I think it's just time that I accept that she will never see my efforts for what they are. After the incident, I felt extremely hurt because all my efforts clearly meant nothing to her. I don't know if I was just a means of money to her, or what. That's all I could make of it since no friend would do that to another. So clearly I wasn't a friend to her. What was I then? Nothing. I was nothing. And to keep from hurting so bad I had to make the situation worse than it was in my head. Because the actual incident in my mind still wasn't worth terminating a friendship. But since there was no friendship I had to make it in my head something that was worth not trying to be her friend anymore. So I made her out in my head to be this monstrous person that I didn't want to be friends with. But now that I am clear minded about the situation and have put it in the past I just see it for what it was and see that she had no desire ever to be my friend and has not made an effort since as I have on many many occasions.

I think I'm not going to visit them. I think I'm just going to accept that nothing will ever be. I can't make her see the true intent of my heart and can't make her feel what I feel. I can't make her feel the hurt I felt when she did what she did to me. I can't make her feel the love I felt for her when I forgave her for it. I can't make her feel what she won't allow herself to feel.

I feel like I should go because it will be the last time I ever see her in this life. But I think it's better to just accept things as they are. Not waste my time anymore.

All of this is in the distant past now, but it all came up again as we were discussing meet up plans yesterday. But I think it's time to accept that I could give her the world and she would be cold and unreceptive. I think I'll just let it be. Leave it as it is, nothing more and nothing less. Let everyone be who they are. Just look forward. Focus on the people in my life who are receptive to what I have to give and offer. Not waste anymore time.

It's hard to accept this. But I know it will be better in the long run. And I still don't quite understand why it was so important to me. But for some reason it was extremely important to me that she and I be friends. I thinks it's because I knew if she allowed it, we could be great friends and accomplish great things together. I always thought she and I together could build a great and successful business. But for some reason she just won't let me in. And it is hard to accept that it will never be. but I will accept it. I will live the rest of my life without her in it. But I will always have that nagging at the back of my head. Even after she treated me so terribly, I still had that nagging because there is just some important reason why I should be friends with her. I think it will always be a struggle for me. It's like a death. I think that's what has been the hardest for me through all of it. I don't care anymore about the orders she failed to complete or the money she kept. It was her all along. It was losing her over that that hurt the most. It was grief that I felt and still feel. As if something died. Something I had worked so hard to nurture and care for. And it just died. It will just have to learn how to live with that grief. Because I can't keep "annoying" her with my attempts to be friends. It will just back fire in the end and result in something worse.

It just hurts. But going through the acceptance process will help it not to hurt anymore. Focusing my efforts on those who will receive it will help.

Just keep looking forward.

How I learned to overcome adversary by avoiding topical guided personal study on the subject

How I learned to overcome adversary by AVOIDING topical guided personal study.

 

 

In the past four or five years I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am my Grandma Ida's granddaughter. Through the help of my grandma Joyce, I learned that this means I am not vanilla flavor and not everyone is going to like me or what I say.

 

I am very direct, straight forward and matter of fact. This directness is not easy for some to receive because most people fall and want to land on a soft cloud bed with lovely smelling rose petals. But that never helped anyone learn anything from WHY they fell in the first place. So I prefer the "give it to me straight" approach. Don't butter me up. Won't learn anything like that.

 

So it isn't often I feel I have something poignant to share that is "soft" enough to be received well by large groups of people. But today, I think I have learned something that might benefit many. And so I would like to share.

 

For whatever reason, the Lord has seen fit that I should experience tremendous grief in my life through the form of death and illness of family and friends. Since I was 13 I have experienced the death of a loved one once a year, sometimes two or tree times in a year. There has not been a year free of this specific tragedy in my young life. And 13 and the rest of the adolescent years is too young to deal with such things. I have felt angry, frustrated, sad, bitter, confused and the worst feeling of all, in my opinion, is that I have felt nothing. Indifference.

 

I have also had the great fortune to deal with illness and betrayal in my life. Each of these experiences has brought with it doubt, fear, frustration, pain, hurt, etc. There were times when I didn't want a family for fear of losing them to death or illness and fear that I wouldn't be able to handle that. There have been times when I didn't want to be sealed for eternity to my family because of feelings of betrayal (to be clear and fair to my husband, it was not anything on his part, just in case your mind started wandering. He has been a true and faithful spouse and partner to me). There have been times, and still are times, when sitting through a talk or lesson in church on families being together forever is more than I can handle because my poor earthly brain cannot understand the beauty that is to come in the after life. In all of this grief and pain I did distance myself from the church and from my Savior because it felt easier to deal with. But in all of my grief, one thing was always certain in my mind: I knew that it would be far more challenging to return to the church when I got out of my funk than if I just attended in body. So I continued to go to church. After sacrament meeting I'd go find a nice cozy little corner in the mother's lounge and try my darndest to think positively.

 

See, the struggle for me was in the dealing of these feelings and how I went about it. I thought it would be a good idea to seek the counsel of my bishop. He did offer great counsel and solutions, but I have since found that this method wasn't for me. He referred me to several conference talks on the subject of families and the afterlife and also forgiveness. As I studied these things I found that I was able to connect with the counsel offered and found the words helpful. But it caused me to dwell on the issues more and more. As the thoughts started to enter in my head early in the day I would try to recall the counsel I had read in the talks. But that still was focusing on what had happened in my life. Then I would result to praying about the subject and asking for further help from the Lord. But again, that was devoting that time to that particular subject. Then I'd wait for my answers by either meditating or playing hymns on the piano. But I found myself playing the same hymns over and over: "I need thee every hour," "Abide with me, 'tis eventide," and others that just sent me into a sobbing blubbery mess as I was so consumed in this subject I was trying to deal with.

 

This would happen over and over again daily until I couldn't even function anymore. Every prayer offered, every book read, every thought produced in my head was focused around how to NOT think about what I was feeling anymore. When I finally got to the point where these things were eating away at my soul, I realized I had to take action. And my initial instinct was to go about my life as if these events in my life hadn't taken place. So I started by thinking about what my life was like on the "good days" or before these things had happened. And all I could think of was how devoted I was to daily prayer and scripture study. I decided I needed to continue doing that without focusing on what I was thinking about that day.

 

I just started at the beginning. 1 Nephi, chapter 1 and then the monthly Ensign magazine. This is always a good place to start because you start to find things you are interested in and you find topics that you are interested in learning more about that enrich your life and your family. Doing this made me stronger as I was, once again, developing a relationship with my Savior through learning more about Him, his life and his counsel. This strength that I was developing helped me on my "bad days." No matter how strong you are, though, the bad days always come. The wind still blows the strongest tree.

 

Of course, the sadness in my life did not go away and I still have to deal with it. And it does come up in topics in my personal study. But when it comes up naturally in my study and not because I sought it out, I have found I am more able to soak up the guidance I am receiving and apply it more affectively to my life. See, when I am in a blubbering stupor and throwing a temper tantrum while trying to receive answers while dealing with grief,  it is very difficult, even impossible, to receive any kind of spiritual promptings while feeling that way. But when the subject of death, betrayal and forgiveness came up naturally as just the next topic in study, my mind was not so consumed with the subject and my mind was healthy and able to take in and accept the messages I was reading.

 

To sum things up, I think I would just say that I think the most important thing we can do to remain strong when dealing with the adversary is to continue nurturing a relationship with the Lord through personal study. Don't just seek out the counsel you need when you are in the moment. If you devote time each day to personal study, you will learn a great deal over time and when the moment comes when you have to deal with thoughts, feelings and events, you will already be prepared because you already learned and obtained the tools necessary to deal with those things while you were in your right mind and in a healthy place.

 

 I think the most important thing we can do to help us overcome our funks and be masters of our own minds is to just continue to study and learn. It doesn't matter the topic. If we are devoting time to study on a daily basis, those topics that you do need to focus on receiving guidance for WILL come up and you will be given those opportunities to learn and grow. But if you're in a bad place right now, just read about anything.

 

I found that in reading about the Savior's life in the midst of my deepest moments, my problems seemed small and insignificant. But when I focused my study time on the subject that was causing my grief, it made it seem like that issue was the only thing in the world. So focus your time on something else and you will soon see that the thing that consumed your every moment and being is nothing but a little blemish on your life's complexion. And then you will be able to deal with it. 

 

As a side note, one time in high school I was so sad about the passing of a friend from cancer. I was just so sad and couldn't think about anything else. And my brother told me to imagine a piece of string going around the earth. Large piece of string, right? Then he said that that string represents our entire lives and if he made a little pen mark on that string, that would represent my time here on earth. And these things that make us sad will be so insignificant when we continue our lives hereafter. So we need to not be consumed by it here so we can make it to that next step in our lives.

 

 Just go read and study anything. Not what you are sad about today. But something.

As a wise fish once said, "Just keep swimming."

Family Vacation

We went on a family vacation to Disneyland. It was great. My kids are the perfect ages. Josh finally worked up enough courage to go on the matterhorn. It was great. Miriam was all for it. Miriam even puts her hands up on all the roller coasters. and Miss Miriam, my little dare devil, went on THE TOWER OF TERROR! I bought her a shirt that says, "I survived the tower of terror." I normally think those shirts are stupid, but never has it seemed more appropriate. We let her pick what we did for the rest of the day. We mostly played in Bugs Land after that. Happy, happy, happy place. :)

We ran the Neverland Family 5k. It was really great! The race course weaved in and out of Disneyland and California adventure, but it also went behind the scenes where they store the trains at night and where they repair and build ride cars, etc. And they had all the warehouse doors open so we could see inside as we ran by. It was really cool. We saw all three Disneyland trains parked in their storage area, we saw a tea cup saucer being repainted, we saw space mountain cars being built, pirates of the carribean boats being repaired, etc. We ran by all the horses they use on Main Street and in Toon Town. They told us the horses work 9 hours a week, Three hours a day for three days in a row, then they get four days off. So they have A LOT of horses. All Clydesdales. It was really neat to see.

When we got to Main street to start the race, which began in front of the castle, they did a little fireworks show for the runners and tinker bell flew across the sky as well. My kids loved it! Garren told us where to meet up in case he left us "in the dust." I laughed at him thinking, "yeah right!" But he ran with Miriam all the way to It's A Small World, then he picked up and put her on his shoulders and did, in fact, leave us in the dust. It was funny to watch Miriam bobbing up and down in the crowd as Garren ran ahead of us. (Pictures and video of that on FB, hilarious). Me, Ashley and Josh ran the rest of the way on our own. Josh ran and skipped and galloped and did a great job. The funniest part was when we got to the road that connects Dland and DCA and I asked Josh if he thought it was neat to see this part f the parks. He said, "I think it's easier to just buy a ticket." haha.

We did cars land. We got there an hour before rope drop because we didn't want to have to wait in line as it is a very popular place right now. They had mater and lightening McQueen (actual cars) at the lead of the crowd to set the pace. Apparantly people were getting hurt and trampled trying to get to cars land. So they had a gas dispenser rope thing and then about six workers that made sure everyone stayed behind it and we all had to walk into cars land behind that and behind the two cars until we got to the racers. The racers is an awesome ride. Really well done. ALl of cars land is really well done. They take your picture on the racers and ours was hilarious (can be seen on my FB). Oh my gosh, it was too funny. We were one of the first people in line since we were there so early and didnd't have to wait at all.

Then we went to meet mater and lightening. It was really neat because they had a bunch of different sayings. One boy went up to mater and was wearing a birthday button and mater started singing happy birthday. it was a really special experience for that boy, I'm sure. And one of the employees asked mater to turn off his engine for Josh (Josh has some sound and sensory sensitivities because of his EDS, he also couldn't get the hand stamp when we left the park because of this). So mater was nice and quiet while we took our picture. As we walked away josh turned and waved at him then mater said, "Pleased to meet you!" It was nice. Made josh happy.

All of cars land was so well done. It was just really neat. All the rides were  blast. The cozy cone was a great place to stop for ice cream and churros. It was just really great.

We did a lot of kid swap passes which was nice. So Garren and I would go on a ride and then they'd give my sister and I passes to the front of the line for when we did the kid swap. We did this on space mountain, among many others. But I went through with Ashley and our picture (on FB) was SO funny. I don't know if the flash scared me or what but the look on my face is sheer terror. Then Garren and I went on right after that and Garren's face in the picture is like sheer joy and I look like I'm driving in rush hour traffic. So funny! It was a lot of fun.

My brother in law, Bryant, got to come for one day with us. It was good to spend some time with him. Ashley is leaving for boot camp next week, so it was nice that we could all spend the day together at Disneyland.

My favorite memories, other than the ones already listed, are Miriam meeting Minnie Mouse, her hero. It was such a precious moment I CRIED! (pictures on FB). Ashley told me that the Disneyland characters are taught in training to never be the first to let go in a hug. And we found that to be true with both Minnie and Daisy. I had to step in and tell Miriam to take a picture. They hugged forever. It was precious (both pics on FB). Then we went to meet goofy and Miriam was so precious waiting in line with her autograph book opened (on fb). Just waiting patiently. It was darn cute.
-riding in the front of the monorail is always a special moment with my kids.
- driving on the autopia with josh and crashing into Garren because we were focusing on how to steer instead of what was in front of us.
- Going on pirates, turning around to check on Miriam and seeing her with both hands in the air waiting for a drop.
- Waiting at starting line for the race while my kids watched the fireworks, the looks on their faces were priceless. Magical.
-The canoes with my kids. Miriam can row like no ones business! Not kidding!
-Shopping with my sister. Got new Disney cook books (I get one every time I go). My favorite purchase though, was in New Orleans square. I got Minnie and mickey mouse cups at the crystal shop and I had them engrave our names on them.  I also went a little too far and bought a bunch of Mickey mouse shaped pasta. :) Never spent so much on a pasta product in my life. :)

And so many more. My kids were real troopers and were happy almost the whole time. It made the trip a lot of fun and made every moment special.

We also visited with Garren's grandparents. It was a nice and pleasant visit, as always. We went to dinner and went to the cemetery. I went for a bit, but sat in the car with my sister for a while. I've lost too many people in my life to not have cemeteries mess with my head a little too much if I'm there too long.

My kids love visiting Garren's grandparents. They really like their house and their backyard. And their cats.

Now we're back and the kids have off of school. So we are unpacking and getting adjusted to both time and climate change. We are getting a big snow storm tomorrow, so it isn't likely the kids will be going to school tomorrow either.

When we got off the plane Miriam said, "I want to do that whole exact trip AGAIN! I can't wait!" Me too Mims, me too. Good times had by all.

New years resolutions and upcoming projects.

UPDATE: We nixed the move out of the country idea and decided to save for a vacation home in Ireland instead. Figured it would be too hard on the kids to do homeschooling in another country, etc.

New years resolutions. I don't like New Year's Resolutions. I think they are for people who can't make and keep goals. Anyone who can make and keep goals does so on a daily, weekly, monthly basis and doesn't need the new year to tell them to do it. In short, I have no resolutions except those I have already been working on. Here are a few of them:

1) I've been exercising a lot. I feel stronger and better when my joints don't fall out :) I am running a ragnar relay with my high school friend, Adam, in June. I am feeling ready, though I hear it's one of the more difficult relays. We are also running a family 5k at Disneyland next week :) Hoping to teach my children not to let EDS get them down. And we have a four year plan. We would like to do a family hike in the alps. We've picked an 8 day trek in the alps and are giving ourselves 4 years to prepare. haha! Don't underestimate me. It sounds like a long time away and like it might never happen, but don't underestimate me. I think I've come through on just about everything I've said I'd do up to now :)

1a) eat better.  . . this one's a struggle. All my racing books tell me to cut crabs and blabbidy blee blabbidy bloo. I will just have to have a slow race time. I'm sorry, but I am just not willing to compromise on my carbs :) Other than that, I eat pretty well. But I suppose I could cut back on the carbs a bit. . .  just smidgin.

2) Business. I've been spending the last year slowing down on business. I have been successful, for the most part, with the help of my seven wonderful seamstresses. Where would I be without them?! I now just do specialty items in the shop, like ribbon shades, etc. But it still gets crazy every once in a while because sometime people order 8 ribbon shades then upgrade to expedited production. :) So I'm not entirely slowed down, but I'm pleased with where things are at with the business. We're more successful than ever! I am very blessed to have had such great business professors in college and the wonderful example of my father and even my siblings. My siblings and I sometimes just sit around thinking up new businesses. It's a lot of fun to be in a creative family that follows through with ideas.

2a) New business??? ANNOUNCEMENT!! I am starting a new business (I know, so much for slowing down. . .). I have been blessed with a tremendous capacity to manage time and use my time very wisely. Well, some might argue that "Henry Cavill o'clock" is not the best use of my time, but you have to some kind of break, right? So, I am starting to build inventory for my new business: Miriam's closet, by Melissa: Special Occasion Children's Clothing Rental. I have created several dress patterns, and also cumberbunds, ties and bow ties for boys. The neat thing about my patterns is that the dresses have pieces. The dress will not arrive to the person in pieces, it will be assembled and they probably won't even know it can be taken apart. This is so that if a portion of the dress gets ripped or stained or anything else, I can just replace that portion of the dress and not the entire thing. Most are in three pieces, but the tulle dresses are in two parts because with the tulle I am likely to only have to replace a few pieces of it instead of an entire portion. I hope to launch April 1! In time for wedding season. We will also be providing accessories. Unfortunately for me, tulle and hair pieces are foreign to me. So I might need some more practice time with those. I have my "in house counsel" working on terms and policies. :)

3) personal. The last half of last year was great and it just keeps getting better and better. After my bishop explained to me how being sealed to a family works, I just really turned around. Now that I understand I am only sealed to Garren and not necessarily to other members of his family, I just really got the closure I needed. I struggle for a long time with that and let myself go over a year without a temple recommend and it has been 3 and a half years since I've actually been in the temple. But I now have my recommend back and it will be a beautiful day at my next temple trip.

Having slowed down on work I am more focused on my kids. I was always able to just work while they were at school or in bed at night, but when I was with them I was always thinking about work. But now, their time with me is so much better because I can completely focus 100% on them knowing that my business is in the hands of my loyal, trustworthy and talented seamstresses. I have a passion for science and bought a few science experiment books at my kids school book fair. This week we are doing experiments from the "Candy Experiments" book. So much fun. This past month with my kids has been great. I just really feel like they are awesome kids and so fun to hang out with! We're going to Disneyland next week and I can hardly wait! Disneyland with kids is the best! We've also continued with piano lessons. Miriam just started and I am surprised at how much she can pay attention to. I'm thinking she might do well on the harp.

AND FINALLY, the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT for this year. . . actually, it might be many years. . .  I am finally writing my book! Ever since writing in college I knew I wanted to write a book. I spent a summer in Las Vegas working on my writing, but nothing felt right. I have started projects a thousand times and every time it just didn't feel like "my story." The last time I saw my grandma, she was walking me and my kids out to our car. She grabbed my shoulders firmly and said, "It's time for you to write your Harry Potter." I had been thinking about that for a long time and it frustrated me sometimes. Every idea I had just didn't feel like it was my story. They were okay ideas and the writing was great, but I just wanted to enter the writing world with a bang. And nothing I had composed felt like it would accomplish that. Then one day, out of the blue, it came to me. Garren and I were watching a movie. I can't even remember what it was. It was something where someone didn't think their promise to their spouse was worth fighting for, or even living for, and just let their family dissolve into nothing. I was feeling so sick and tired of these movies being put out with the idea that, "Oh, sometimes it just doesn't work out." And I thought to myself, "Is there anyone left that thinks family is worth fighting for?" And finally, it felt right. That was my story. And I can't give away too many more details because I don't want anyone to steal my idea. But I am very excited to share this with everyone and create heroes and heroines that my children can look up to. And fortunately, I had Orson Scott Card as my fiction writing professor in college and he promises all his students that as his students he will consider any of our works for publication under his publishing company. One year he liked a story a workshopped and said if I could make it novel length he'd publish it as a YA novel. But I just didn't want to enter the writing world with that one. But this one? This is my story. I found my "Harry Potter," Gram!

So there is my upcoming year :)