That which doesn't kill you. . .

My mom and I started our blog to document our journey to overcome our physical disabilities and take charge of our own bodies before it takes charge of us. THe journey begins here in Chandler, Arizona and ends August 5th in Dublin, Ireland. The blog is

http://imadeotherplans.blogspot.com/

Please feel free to follow us as we grow through the trials and struggles of conquering our physical bodies and minds.

I called it I made other plans because EDS has a way of constantly reminding me its there and running my life. But I didn't plan to lay in bed on the heating pad all day! I made other plans!

So while I am sure I will wake up on the morning of the race and feel horrible with my usual EDS pains I will just have to remind myself that I made other plans for that day. :)

The bottom line is that I love them. And I loved them so much and that's why this hurts to this day. Because I loved them so much but they didn't love me at all. It hurts. They didn't care one bit about me. And all I did was take care of them because I loved them. It hurts. They don't love, they are hateful. Their actions were hateful and it hurts when you love someone and show them that by caring from them and they turn around and spit hatred all over you. It hurts. I think it will always hurt.

Acceptance and a move

Realizing that an apology for the closure I need isn't coming was a huge step for me. But since cutting that garbage out of my life there was a little piece of me that hoped they might get over themselves and acknowledge what pain they put me through. But it's time not only realize that its not in their nature, but to accept it and not allow myself to think that they might become like selfless example that their father was. I'm sending out their Christmas stuff today and then I can officially let them go.

Last week was dedicated to rebuilding my marriage, and, well, we'll have to start from the beginning again this week. There was a little hiccup with my husband and his stupid exgirlfriend.

I'm ready to completely remove all hope of them ever coming around. After I mail out thier gifts I am done. Forever. Never again will allow their slefishness and manipulitive nature in my life. They are nothing to me. No different from stranger on the street. I don't love them. I don't hate them. They are nothing in my life. Next time I write it will be as if they never were.

Ahhh! hahahaha!!!

I have nothing to say today except that freedom feels so great. I really am moving on to the point where these people mean nothing ot me. They are not a part of my life anymore. I don't think about them anymore. They are nothing to me.I am successful at focussing and progressing in other aspects of my life without their selfishness and mean words and complete lack of regard for other people to interfere with my life anymore.

I think had this experience never happened I don't know if I would have made the progress I've made this past week. I think I would have continued to grow strong in my faith, but this experience has opened a new door and shed new light in areas of the gospel I hadn't previously had experience with. And that is their purpose in my life. Now they've served their purpose and I can move on to the next life experience.

I think I can truly say I am grateful for the experience, now seeing how much progress I've made these past two weeks and having seen what truly matters because of this experience.

ummm. . .

I've continued to make progress in my personal life and see my entire life improve before my eyes. I am very happy about the decision I made. Until My husband said, "So, when are you going to be friends with my family again?" Seriously? When they acknowledge fault on their part and apologize for it. Until then I am done pretending that nothing happened just for the sake of keeping everyone together. And I don't have to. I don't have to pretend that they didn't hurt me in order to forgive them for what they did.

There is also an article in The Wall Street Journal called, "When Not to Forgive" that I am very much looking forward to reading.

Today I do feel hurt just because I have all those feelings again since Garren is hurrying me along to be friends with his family. But they probably don't even want that. I mean, if they did they would have apologized.

As for focussing on my marriage this week, everything has been going quite well. I am at the point right now where I have to consciousy do things like kiss him goodbye. I was to the point where that was not done out of habbit anymore. I have to consciously remind myself to tell him that I love him as that got out of habbit too. But things like this can become habbits again as I mean them sincerely. I think it will happen soon.

My personal goals are helping me to combat the negative thoughts. Thinking about when I will get my next run in, thinking about what I will cook for meals with and for my children, etc all consume my thoughts now instead of being foccussed on how to pretend everything is okay when it isn't.

I started reading The Miracle of Forgiveness, but put it down because this is a busy week with work. All the treatments for Christmas orders have to go out on Saturday. But I am looking forward to picking it up again.

I am recording this journey of healing because I need to keep myself in check and I need t see the progress I've made. As I write the events of the day, what I spent time thinking about and doing, I can consiously be aware of how I am spending my time and what I need to do differently tomorrow. Also, I see a huge difference between this blog post and the hurt and pain of my first one that I made when I began this journey of healing.

I hope I can inspire someone who is struggling with having been wronged by family that there is a way for you to forgive them without having to pretend that nothing happend. Family does not have to be a part of your life if they are toxic to it and your nuclear family and relationships. you can heal. There is a way.

Realizing the damage done

This past week I have noticed a huge change in my children's beahvior as I have made these changes in my life. They are so much happier and are behaving so well.

Joshua has always been a happy kid, but he has been so happy and cooperative this past week.

Miriam has always had an attitude and said, "No!" a lot. She had sudden outbursts when frustrated. She has not done any of that in over a week!

I'd like to say that I wish I had done this sooner, but honestly, I had No Clue how to do it. And even when I made the decision I had no clue how to do it. I still am walking in the dark a little bit. And honestly, I think if it had happened any sooner that things might have been a little different. There were just some things I was not ready to let go of.


I am enjoying training for this marathon. I have a clear mind and I feel like I can set an achieve goals now. I didn't feel that way before. I felt like my mental road blocks always got in the way. But elliminating certain people from my life has completely elliminated my road blocks.

My family is happier and my children are pregressing so much in good behavior and positive attitudes. Every day I see how much this change was the right decision to make.

Another Breakthrough

Today several people told me they either stayed at church for the entire meeting this week or last week because of what I said in testimony meeting last week. That reaffirmed my decision that I made to move forward with my life and my family without certain people in it.

Having that affirmation from people in the congregation finally sealed the deal. I am over it. It is done. I officially nothing toward them anymore. No more anger and hatred. No nothing. They are just there. I feel the same toward them as I would a random stranger in the grocery store. Just nothing. And I hope and pray to be able to keep that up.

I think this week will be a normal week. I don't think I will have to replace my thoughts with something else or work reallt hard to not think about certain memories and think about how they never apologized for anything they did. I think this week I will just be able to think normally and feel normal and not have to work so hard to "not feel." I think this week I will just be a normal human being!

One man in my ward came up to me and told me his wife left him three months ago. None of us would ever know because she didn't come to church. He said she was leaving the house one day and siad to him, "Just so you know, I'm not coming back." And he said he has had a hard time listening to "families can be together forever" and "forgive everyone" stuff and would leave church. I couldn't leave church because of my children, but I would definitely find a place to hide! This poor man. I just wish I could give him a little glimpse of the light I have seen. He told me he stayed for all the meetings because of me.

I feel like I am back on the right track to being an influence for good in others lives. Before, I was nothing. Just taking up space at church. Not learning, not participating. Just occassionally playing piano if they needed me. But now I am an active participant and am affecting the lives of others for good.

I will keep this up. I will be an affective tool for strength and rightesousness and encouragement to others.

This poor man I told you about. . . . He and I have similar personalities and when it comes down to it we just aren't vanilla. We aren't going to go with everything and not everyone is going to like us. But God also thinks we are good enough on our own with anyone or anything adding anything to us to make us a little bit better. We have it within ourselves to be great with what we have.

I think I should write him a letter and tell him that.




M.

Bad day, but not digression

Today is a bad day, but I Refuse to let it hold me back from my progress.

I finally told my mom about running a marathon. I fully expected her to tell me that I shouldn't because of my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. But she didn't. She fuly supported me and even said she'd run with me! And then my Dad joined too! That's what a family does! I told my husband's sister and she told me that I shouldn't do that.

I know it's going to hurt and I know it's going to suck. But I'd rather hurt at the end of every day knowing I did something than hurt at the end of the day having done nothing. I'm going to hurt no matter what. So I may as well do something. And when I said that to my mom she jumped on board!

Today has been bad because I am overwhelmed again with thoughts and feelings and memories of things said. My dad is very proud to see his children become entrepreneurs. My brother started up his own successful tortoise breeding business called Grand Canyon Tortoises. It's amazing! My Dad has his own successful business going on 30 years now. He is extremely successful and always has lots of work. He's taught me a lot about running a business and I've learned a lot about business just from observing him. And I beleive that is why I have had a successful business. But one of these individuals that has hurt me so badly once told my husband that my Dad must be "stupid" when I told her I was going to have my dad come pick up her supplies. I explained that my dad has his own business and that he doesn't want to get involved he jsut wants the supplies. Then she told my husband that if I learned what I knew about business from my dad then my dad must be "stupid." The thing that hurts me so much about this is that I know her Dad must have been very disappointed to see her say something like that. That in addition to her saying, "I have no intention of paying her back by [my husband] will probably make me." And it is that comment that is the reason my Bishop want sot call her bishop. Because that was the intent of her heart was to not return my funds or supplies and that is dishonesty. I think her dad must have been so disappointed at all of this behavior. And for her to make a comment like that about my dad, a man she has never met, hurts. And she owes me an apology for that among everything else. That was a horrible thing to do and say and I know she has not made her own father proud.

How can someone be so hurtful and so hateful and not even apologize or acknowledge fault? I apologized for everything I did and said even going as far as to list everything I was aware of that I did wrong. These unresolved issues just get to me every once in a while.

My Dad is an amazing man and he is extremely successful in everything he does. I appreciate him and his example. My business took off immediately when I opened it and I owe it all to him and his example and what he taught me. I was confident that my business would go somewhere because of what I learned from my father. And now I have an extremelely successful business.

One of Garren's sisters has been great in helping me with some things for my business. And she always tells me I should be proud of where my business is now having been a grass roots effort and where it is now after just two years. I think of that often because I respect her educated and unbiased opinion. She made the statement after reviewing the business statistics over the course of a year. I think often of her comments and especially her encouragement. She has been very encouraging to me over the course of my business' life. And I apprecaite her so much!

I built a business from nothing. I gave people jobs. I did something that changed lives. And I owe that to everyone who has encouraged my business, but especially my dad, who is so smart and so successful. And I'm glad he wants to run the marathon with me.

As for the marathon, I think my parents both know how much the training will hurt me and how physically difficult it will be. And I think joining me is there way of taking on some pain for me. Helping me to know I am not alone and that if I am going to hurt then they will too. What an amazing family I have been born into! I love my family and how supportive they are and encouraging they are. I just can't even find words to express how much love is within my Butler family. I am so grateful! And I'm grateful that now I can focus on them and give back to them the time and effort they have put into me that my time isn't being put into fruitless efforts with the other family. I hope I can eventually be a good representative of my family. When people hear I am a Butler I want that to mean that they know I am reliable, hard working, successfull, and follow through with everything I do.

It is this reflection on my family and focussing on being a good representative of my family that had me very disappointed in this sister's comment about my Dad. She does not represent at all the values that her father stood for in his life as a Bishop or a successful father and businessman. I have not always been the best representative of the great values of my own family, but I plan to devote my life to practicing what my parents have taught me about being reliable and following throough with what I say I will do and when we move to Arizona and meet people we don't know, but that might know my family, they will know without knowing me personally what kind of person I am and they will know that I am someone that can be counted on to come through in all aspects of life.

Every year we devote Jan 2nd, the day of Garren's father's death, as a service day to carry out what he stood for and represented in his life. And we plan to do that again this year.

I almost made a very stupid decision last week and called it quits on my family. I wanted to leave. I have come so far in one week. I plan to continue to make this progress. My goal is to live up to what it means to be a daughter of God. It is my goal to be as successful with my children as my parents were with theirs in teach compassion, love, morals, confidence, raliability and all other things that make a well rounded human being.

I am focussed. I have a clear mind now. I know what the Lord wants and needs me to do. It makes me sad that I can't achieve that state in this earthly life with my husband's family, but if I am going to fulfill my duties and callings in this life I have to have a clear mind and I can only do that without them in my life. It does make me so sad, though. Especially today, for whatever reason.

. . . 2

Great day!

I enlisted my mom to run the marathon with me. Originally I was asking her to babysit my kids and then it went to her going to Ireland too to babysit my kids then it turned into her getting my dad to come babysit my kids in Ireland so she and I can run the race. But they are going to babysit while Garren and I go play around the British Isles. Looking forward to it more and more each day!

I would like to run one each year in a different country each time! I will run until I can't anymore. How do you like them apples, Dr. Abra Kadabra? My dr. is from Africa and has a crazy name that I don't know how to say but written out it looks like Abra Kadabra. He said I could call him that as long as I put Dr in front of it. :)

I had a great day! No ill feelings or neagtive thoughts. Just peace and happiness all day. Except the part where my iron leaked rest want on a shade I had just finished. I did have unpeaceful words and feelings to say then. But other than that, nothing causing permanent damage.

I believe I am in a place where I can move to the next step, whatever that is. I think the next step will be to work on rebuilding my marriage. For much of this last year I spent a lot of time thinking about how disgusted I was that my husbadm was related to people who would treat other human beings so horribly. But I am in a good place now and I think I can start working on my marriage again. What I need to do is stop taking on work so that I can have my evenings and weekends free again.

For much of this year I was misusing my business. When Garren would come home from work I would disappear into the basement to work so that I wouldn't have to see or talk to him. . . . or anyone for that matter. . . I would sometimes work all night and then sleep during the day so that I wouldn't have to see him. But I don't feel that way at all anymore. In fact I feel quite the opposite. I am quite looking forward to spending time together with him in another country. he's never been out of the country, so I am looking forward to that. He's excited to get a passport :)

One step at a time. My marriage is next.

Whoever you are.

Sunday was the beginning of this journey and I feel like a whole new person. On Sunday I had to provide the accompaniment in sacrament meeting. I looked out at everyone in the congregation during the passing of the sacrament and reflected on the past year.

This past year I have left many relief society lesson pertaining to the subjects of forgiveness and families being together forever. I have spent many Sundays hiding in the mothers lounge. I usually spend the bulk of the service texting my sister, Ashley. It's a weekly thing for us. We always talk on Sundays. She always awaits my texts and it is usually started by a simple "Happy Sunday!" Or Sunday text time!" I started volunteering in the primary to play the piano so that I could just be hidden away back there in the corner where no one could find me. This eventually led to my recent calling as primary pianist :). I started volunteering for that in August. It was an effort to not have to go hear the relief society lessons reminding me that I am sealed to people forever that I don't want to ever see again, let alone forever.

That reminds me of something my grandmother used to say. She has been married several times. She was sealed to her first husband and had my dad and my uncle in that marriage. When they got divorced she didn't want to break the seal because if you do that the children will go with the priesthood holder in the after life. But she also didn't necessarily want to be with my grandpa in the afterlife. She explained to me that God knows what happened in their marriage and will allow her to be with her children in the afterlife without having to be with my grandfather. That God would not inflict a punishment like that on her. And that has brought me peace in this ordeal.

Back to Sunday. So I was looking out at the congregation during the sacrament when everyone is quiet and pensive. I saw so much hurt and pain on everyone's faces. Yet there they were, ready to teach their lessons or fulfill whatever callings they had dispite their hardships. And that was when I decided I needed to pick up my slack. I then bore my testimony to the congregation for the first time in well over a year. I explained my feelings that I had suddenly been overcome with. And they were similar to this.

I have been harboring anger and hatred for over a year now. And it has hindered all spiritual progress in my life if not having also detiorated some of the spirituality that I did have. I am ready to give it up and to become a tool in the Lord's hands. I have no idea how to do that, but my faith and knowledge in the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ is enough to get me started. Because even though I don't know how to do it, I know that I can with the help of the Savior.

And to my readers, whomever you are, I want you to know that after this experience I have had this past year I know with a most resounding assurity and with every ouce of my being that there is no thing on earth that will help you overcome the grasp of Satan. There is not amount of medication, no amount of therapy that will help you move on. It is only through the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that we can overcome satan and overcome ourselves. If you were like me and felt this to be true but didn't know where to begin just begin. Doesn't matter where. For me it was baring my testimony. That lead to anenlightening and guiding conversation with the Bishop. Then prayer. It took probably two days for me to receive my true direction through prayer, but I knew it would come. And so I say to you, whomever you are, to just begin. Do something. If you don't know where to start don't sit around and wait to figure oit out. Just start and you will figure it out a long the way. The Lord will bless you with guidance as you make the decisions that will lead you toward the right path. I know because this is what has happened to me this week.

I truly feel like a new person and am so grateful for my knowledge of the truthfulness of this gospel and I am so grateful for the atoning sacrifice of the Savior.

I received a letter in the mail today from someone expressing appreciation for my "deomonstraton of faith and convicion." I have received several phone calls supporting me in my quest to return to the path of righteousness by removing the negative influences in my life. And I never even made it to primary on Sunday to play the piano (Thank you sister frederick for taking over) because I was stopped so many times in the hallway by people saying that I inspired them to overcome a grudge or negative thoughts and feelings they were harboring. Many people stopped me to tell me their stories and I have been so blessed to hear from so many people.

I think I was inspired on Sunday to get up and share my quest for righteousness through the use of the atonement with the congregation. I realize now that it was the benefit of everyone, not just me. It was the beginning of my being a tool in the Lord's hands. I am so grateful for this experience. It is truly life changing.

Reader, Trust in the Lord. Forgive and ask Frogiveness. The Lord will help you as you do so and will pave the way because it is the right thing to do. It is what He would have you do. And it can only be done through Him.

I have found myself again. My true self. My real self.

That's real life. . . . in "Laymon's" terms ;)


M.

. . . .

I am making exponential progress each day and I have never felt better. I've never had a clearer mind. Years of trying to make myself someone that they wouldn't call "crazy" and finally realizing I'm not the crazy one! Trying tof find a way to fit into their family, but where selfishness is there is no room for anything else.

I used to feel so home sick everyday. But what I think I was sick for was the genuine love of a family. Since I have decided to be that genuine love for my own immediate family I have not felt homesick. So many changes are coming with my decision to change and I am overwhelmed at the blessings of peace of comfort I am receiving.

A year of shouting, "A plague a both your houses!!!!" (Mercutio, Romeo and Juliet) and I finally just have nothing. No thoughts, no feelings about it. Just a blank clear mind.

Now I can focus on things that matter.

I have made a few goals for next year. I don't want to work as much so I figured out how much  I need to make so that I can know when to stop taking orders each month. I am going to continue to think about my goals and revise and refine them and really carry them out next year.

One I have been thinking about a lot is my visiting teaching. I used to visit teach a homebound family every Sunday. I would go after church and give them the relief society lesson (A mother and daughter with alzheimers and dimentia). I loved going there each week. But in my "funk" I just stopeed going. I ahven't seen them since June. :( I plan to return to that in January and see them regularly.

I am so grateful for my clear head so I can think about other things, things that matter. Things that can add to my life. And with a clear head I think I can finally add to the lives of others.


That's my real life. That's my true feeling. That's real life in Laymon's terms!

Perfect

Today was absolutely perfect.

No negative thoughts. No hurt feelings. No nothing. It was great. I was able to walk into my work room and not think or feel a thing! Just work! It was beautiful!

I even went as far as to buy a Christmas present for the person I once harbored such ill feelings for. When I found out we had this person for Christmas I went with it. But underneath all I could think was how all she's ever done is take take take from me. And the thought of giving her anything after what she did to me last year made me scream inside! But today I did it! I went shopping and I shopped for her the way I do everyone else. I put a lot of thought into my gift shopping. I avoid gift cards, if I can. I like to imagine the person I am shopping for, imagine the look on their face when they see the gift, imagine the joy it will bring them at that moment. And I successfully and happily did that today. I found a very nice picture frame that has a little quote on it with a colorful background. When I saw it the colors just reminded me of her and her style and I thought, "I think these colors match her personality well!" And I got excited as I imagined her putting it up in her home and seeing it every day. Not a single ill thought or ill feeling. Just excitement that I found something that might make her day a little brighter! It was a tremendous feat for me. I enjoyed today's shopping trip and enjoyed being able to think of her positively again, as I did at one time. And I know that's a blessing from God. Another blessing of peace. I felt love today. I think the joy and excitement I felt when I found something that I thought would fit in her decor was love for her.

I hope I'm right about the gift. I hope she doesn't open it and see the colors and think, "Who on earth would ever hang something like this in their house?!" Oh that would be terrible! Haha, okay no more second guessing myself. Or I'll have to reshop for everyone's Christmas gift!

I don't think presents detracts at all from the meaning of Christmas. I really felt that today. As I felt joy and love instead of anger and hatred today I realized that is what Christmas is about. That is what Christ would want me to do this Christmas. I think Christ would be a lot happier with me having bought this present and feeling that love and joy than if I didn't buy a present at all never giving myself the opportunity to have that moment. I think it's okay for Christmas to be about presents and giving. :)

I also met my running goal again today. My cooking goal, however, is not going so well. :( Chicken nuggets and tater tots with carrots for dinner :( It was a crazy day.

Today was just sublime! I am making exponential progress each day.

Oh, What a beautiful morning. . .

Things are really starting to look up. I am enjoying this holiday season more than I ever thought I would. I took Miriam to meet Santa this morning. (Didn't get to do that last year. . .  thank you very much). She was ecstatic. She loved it! She was very verbal with him and had such a good time.
Last night when we did our Christmas family she was under the impression that we would be meeting up with Santa to give the presents to the family. When we didn't she was very disappointed. So I told her I would take her to meet Santa first thing!

I also went to my harp circle last night. It is so nice to find Joy in things again. We played Christmas music and we were actually quite good for just meeting for the first time. And some of us hadn't practiced. . . ;)

On Monday I also set up a play date for Miriam! I haven't done that, probably. . .  ever with her :( It feels good to feel alive again and have a clear head.

See, the problem has been that for the last year I have been focussed on keeping ties with family and being on good terms. My parents raised me to believe that family is family no matter what they do and what they say. So I have been trying so hard this past year to just keep it together. But the bishop finally brought me some relief on Sunday. I was explaining to him that I do hold their self righteousness and childishness completely responsible for my unstable marriage. But if I cut them out of it aren't I doing something wrong? Won't causing rifts in the family be worse than if I just try to deal with it inwardly and keep it all inside until I get over it? And he said, "Absolutely not! Not if their lies, deciet and dishonesty are causing your immediate family to suffer." And it was then that I felt the peace and freedom that I still feel now!

He explained that always being the first to make contact in situations like this is detrimental because they will just act like I am bothering them and then I will feel more devistation. Devastation because the purpose of the contact was to keep in touch and keep ties strong, but the result will be opposite. Not to mention the resentment I would feel at always being the one to make the attempt to keep ties strong.

I waited so long to talk to the bishop because he is so busy and I felt he wouldn't want to be bothered with my petty problems. But he helped me more in one meeting than months of seeing a counselor. I am grateful for him. And I am grateful to be me again! And realize that keeping the family together is not my job!If they want to be kept together they can suck it up and make ammends. Not really in their nature, though, so I'm not holding my breath.

This experience has made me appreciate my family so much more! I love my families "roll of the shoulders" attitude. It causes a lot less problems than when people take every. little. thing. personally and take offense to everything! My family has a lot less problems because of this. And because they have a basic understanding of human nature and are forgiving of people who make mistakes and understanding and try to help instead of try to destroy and destruct and leave a path of chaos because of selfishness.

I love my family. They are wonderful. Imperfect, yes. But our imperfections make us who we are. And I like who we are. I love that we are all accepting of ourselves and our own faults and shortcomings. I just love everything about my family.

I love you guys!

Light on my dark days

Today was great. Started off a little rocky as it usually does when I go down to my work room and am overwhelmed with memories and feelings. But it got better.

I felt such peace throughout the day and I know that is a blessing from my choice to be a part of God's plan.

I did have some negative thoughts creep into my mind but I was blessed to be able to be at peace with those memories. I was blessed in that I know I don't have to ever experience those things again. I was always the first to write an email, send a text message, set up a meeting or get together. And in the end, I guess I was just bothering them. But I don't have to do that anymore. No more fruitless efforts. I can now focus my efforts on things that will eventually blossom into something.

I ran again today. I started have doubts about running a marathon. But then I remembered I haven't even trained a week. And I've given myself 10+ months. So I just need to take a chill pill!

Tonight the kids and I made Santa letters for our Christmas family and it was great! We did this last year, but because I was forced to do someone else's work for them I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as I did this year. I loved it! We painted the Santa notes with glitter paint. Then we put them with the presents for the family and took them over tonight. We anonamously dropped them on the door step and ran! It was great. Miriam was a little disappointed as she thought we were going to meet up with Santa Clause to do this. :( Sweet girl.

I am just loving this holiday season now! Now that I have peace in my soul I am finding so much joy in everything. I even just sat with my eyes closed on the couch for a moment today and enjoyed the fact that my mind was at peace and my mind wasn't running a million miles an hour with regret, anger and despair!

Every day is getting better and better! I am well on my way back to becoming a righteous daughter of God. A person who others can look up to and rely on. A person who can be counted on!

There were so many people that leant me their whole hearts when mine was broken. And as mine is still healing I look forward to the day when I can offer my whole heart to others.

I couldn't do this before because I had it in my mind that family was family no matter what and you just stuck it out. But the bishop told me on Sunday that I shouldn't think like that, especially given the circumstances. So I finally took the leap to remove them from my life and I have never felt better. I don't have to fear them anymore. i don't have to fear the lying to my face, the stealing, the not following through. Never again do I have to wonder if they are going to come through with their end. I feel free! I haven't felt this great in a long time.

My bishop is a wonderful man and even in just the one meeting we have had he has helped me so much to move forward and progress.

I am beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Miracles

I woke up today free and unbound. Last night as I prayed I traded my shackles for freedom! Last night as I spent time pondering and praying it was made clear to me where to begin. In order to break the hold satan had my life I had to make a conscious decision. And I did. I choose eternal life. I choose my family. I choose God's plan. Making that choice brought me to the end of my dark days. I know that I will still have my moments and that there will not be happiness all the time. But where this matter is concerned, I am done feeling hatred, I am done feeling anger and I finally have peace in my heart and in my soul.

I know the adversary knew that yesterday was a changing day for me. The adversary worked very hard against me reminding me of everything. Reminding me of everytime a certain individual lied to my face to protect herself or even used my brother in law to spare herself or her children. Reminding me that no one has acknowledged that they did anything wrong or apologized. Reminding me that I did so much, sacrificed so much for them and they were only hurtful and hateful in return with only thought of themselves. And each time a thought like that entered my mind I would trade it for something else like thinking toward the future about what it will be like to run my marathon in Ireland. Or what it will be like to enjoy Christmas day with my children without having to think about when I can take a break to go do someone else's work. I think about next week and how it will be exponentially better than this one. I am slowly eliminating them from my consciousness and filling it with things that don't only exsist to cause me grief and pain.

I noticed these past two days that I finally find joy in things again. I started playing my harp again and am going to a "harp circle" (which is basically a harp "jam session" :)) tonight. I am looking forward to it as I have not played in so long. As I cooked for my family last night I found myself enjoying it as I used to. For the first time in a long time I wasn't spedning the entire meal making process thinking about when Garren would be home so I could disappear.

Having removed the toxic waste from life has been a big step. I have always thought that family is the most important thing and that you should do whatever is necessary to keep a family close and together, even if that means pretending they haven't scarred you for life. It's so difficult to pretend that when the actions they chose to make you know they would never make toward another human being, so why you, their sister? Why am I a target? It was extremely difficult for me this year to pretend that they hadn't done anything wrong. But after talking to my bishop on Sunday I realized that even though they are family they are also just people. And if they are going to cause me grief and pain that is hindering my personal spiritual progress then I have to get rid of it.

The closure I want will never come. I used to say "need" instead of want, but I realize now that with the help of the Lord I don't need it. They will never come out and say, "Melissa, I am sorry for asking my dad to drive the van instead and not talking to you about it first and then leacing you in California only to call your parents and have to ask them to fly you to Arizona to make your connecting flight." I have come to terms with the fact that I will never hear, "I know that I did not earn that money that I kept from you. I am sorry." Or "I am sorry for making your birthday a miserable experience." Or "I am sorry for bailing on you during your busiest season having full knowledge what I was doing and knowing it was your busiest time of year." Or "I'm sorry my actions made it so that you couldn't be with family over the holidays, missing your two year old's Chrsitmas, the one where she actually knows what's going on." Or "I'm sorry you had to do hours and hours of my work and I kept the money making it a win win for me and lose lose for you." Or from another individual, "I am sorry that I lied to your face saying and used my own son in law to protect myself." or "I'm sorry I lied to your face saying I couldn't come visit because my grandaughter needs help potty training." then when I brought it up lying to my face and saying, "Is she even potty training?"" I'M NOT STUPID! Or my personal favorite, "I promise to be there for everyone one of my grandchildren when they are born."  Or, "Sorry for sending you hate mail about something that wasn't any of my business and that I only heard one side of." Or sorry for sending out your email having ful knowledge that i sent out ten times more hateful emails and text messages." Or, "Sorry I told my sister to file a restaining order against you for one email because I KNOW that she has sent ten times more of that to you via email and text." Or how about "Sorry I ruined your life and ruined your marriage because I was SO SELFISH!" Or "sorry the promise I made to be there to help after each of my grandchildren are born doesn't include the ones you will have."

Okay, I am digressing, here. I made a lot of progress and then I let those feelings out just now. But I can control them. I just really want closure. But I know they can't bring themselves to do that. I took a page from my good friend Chris' book. He often asked for and always gave forgiveness willingly. I apologized profusely. Did everything inmy power to make amends. And they did absolutley nothing. Not even acknowledgment. And it would be really nice to have that closure. But it occured to me when I made the choice to choose my family and to choose God's plan I realized that by the same power that created earth I can learn true forgiveness and to forget. I know that I will eventually be able to do that.

In the strength of the Lord I can do all things. I know He can take this from me. I know He can make it so I don't even remember the things for which I think I need closure. I will forget the incident and eventually forget them and their selfish ways.

My goal today is make it through peacefully again. I want to keep that peace in my heart and keep a clear head. To do this I will again replace the bad feelings and memories with thoughts of looking forward. Forward to a life that doesn't include my painstaking efforts to be approved by them. A future that doesn't include my spending time thinking of how I can be of help and service to them knowing how it will end. A future that includes Garren, Joshua and Miriam only along with the support of my loving family who doesn't judge, who doesn't cast out and who supports us and stands by us even in our darkest moments. A family who will look at your wrong doings that you do publicly, on Facebook for example, and instead of being selfish and thinking about how those things make you feel, my family looks at them and says, "I think she needs help." and then they offer their full and healthy heart to mine which was broken to help me come back from my dark place. That is a family and that is the influence I want my children to learn from. not one that bails on you in your darkest times. Not one that will punish you for saying something out of hurt or stress. Punish you by sending back all your work and keeping the money for which you paid them all because something was misunderstood. My family stands by you even when you aren't 100%. and that is how I will raise my children. I will not raise them to walk away when they are feeling hurt.

I hear "you can't take back words" a lot. I will never teach my children that. Because it will only teach them to be hurt by the things people say and you can't do that. The things people say are influenced by so many factors and the person they are said to may not even be one of those factors. I will raise my children to be loving to all even if they have felt hurt.

That is what I am trying to accomplish here. I am trying to overcome my anger and hatred so I can teach them to love without being hypocritical. Having chose God's plan I feel the pathway to this will fall into place. And as I go through this day and am overwhelmed with negative thoughts and feelings I will just look forward. Look to the future when I will have adult children that love and support eachother because I was able to teach them that. I will ook forward to the future when I run my marathon. Doing something from beginning to end even though it's hard and everyone is against me because of my health.

I wish someone had taught certain individuals to see things through to the end that they agreed to even though it may be unpleasant. I hope my children will pick up on this as I train and run my marathon in Ireland so that they will never inflict the pain and my misery on another human being that has been inflicted on me by my own family.

Ugh, no more. Okay, looking forward. I will have a life free from the bounds and shackles of a selfish loveless family. I will teach my children to know and understand, "Yes, I will do that." and teach them how to hold to that even in difficult and unpleasant times. And I hope other people will teach their children that so that if my children ever agree to help someone and something is said they won't be left stranded in NORTHEN CALIFORNIA because of someone else's selfishness and complete lack of regard for the fact that everyone makes mistakes! and they are not perfect!

Okay, replacing that thought. . . .  I am closing my shop mid december and I am looking forward to having a clean house again. Oh a clean house, that is a pleasant and happy thought.

Negativity creeps into my mind, but I know if I can continue to have that unshakable faith that the Lord will take this from me I know I can forget it, forget them and live my life again in peace and hapiness as I was before I knew them. I will have complete peace and joy in my life again. I will love again. Because I choose eternal life with my family (Garren, Joshua and Miriam) through God's plan. I choose God.

And that is real life, in "Laymon's" terms.

Good day!

Today started off rather pooryl, but ended well. Miriam and Josh are gone in the mornings and as I went to the basement to work I was overcome with memories and bad feelings, as usually happens when I walk in my work room. But I remembered that I am in control of my own thoughts. I got a hold of myself and I think I have been praying for peace every minute of this day. At around mid morning I started to feel peaceful as I made great efforts to control myself and not allow satan to to convince me that I needed to dwell on the things of the past. I think what happens is that satan has me convinced that if I go over every detail in my head over and over I'll find the missing piece that will make what was done to me make sense.

I finally felt peace within myself. Peace that I haven't felt in over a year. It felt so nice. It felt like a cross between that scene in home alone when Kevin first realizes he's home alone and says, "I'm the man of the house!" and the scene in Mary Poppins when the dad gets fired from the bank and he laughs at them and says, "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!" and then says he is leaving to have a tea party on the ceiling.

I had such a clear head all day. I was amazed at how much work I get done when I have a clear head. Not only did I get two whole orders done for work, I also Completed one of my goals for the week and am well on my way to fulfilling the others.

As I have just returned to running I wasn't sure what to expect of myself. So I started on the eliptical before I move to "land." And I did four miles in under 45 minutes! Which I gave myself till Friday to do. I did not do a lick of excersize during our busy season with work, so I feel ggod about 10:30 m miles at this point.  And cooked hommade mac and cheese with my children! Of course, no meal making process is complete in our home without its little hiccups. In tonight's case it was Miriam throwing a gogurt wrapper in the oven while it was pre heating. Sometimes I wish I could go in their little minds and see what they are thinking before they do things like that. I'd really be interested to know.

 

When this day began, I prayed and still felt helpless. I felt like I wasn't going to make it through the day without having a complete meltdown. I should clarify that I am fine for the most part of the time. But as all of this happened a year ago and I am getting to do things with my kids that I didn't get to last year I am just now getting very overwhelmed with bad feelings. When I made Christmas ornaments with my kids last year, something I love to do every year, I was overcome with bad feeling hating them for making me have to do their work and miss out on my family traditions. But as the day went on my prayers for peace were answered and I as we went about our daily routine and did our usual things I had a clear mind and peace in my mind and heart instead of unrest.

 

Every year we help a family in need by being their "Santa." As we worked on our letter from Santa to the family today I was worried I Would think about last year and how I had to be rushed about it so I could get back to work. But instead I had peace in my mind and I enjoyed continuing our tradition. Our kids were so sad when we couldn't make our delivery tonight. They cried, but it just got to be too late. But we will tomorrow night.

 

I am grateful that I get to enjoy this holiday season with my family and enjoy it with peace in my heart instead of unrest.

 

I am learning how to get control back over my thoughts instead of letting satan control my emotions and encourage my feelings and thoughts to be negative. I still have work to do. Satan knows I am working very hard with the help of the atonement to overcome his influence over my thoughts and feelings and is trying to make me recall every bad feeling and every bad memory today. So I know I still have work to do and a long journey ahead of me. And I literally think I spent the majority of this day in prayer for strength to overcome his influence. But as I had that moment of peace I got a glimpse into how to control it. How to control myself. And now I just need to exercize that and make it stronger and stronger with every day.

 

I cannot even begin to express how wonderful it felt to gain contrtol of my life again. The peace felt so good to me because I literally have not had it in my life since before this all happened. It felt very foreign to me. I know there is hope. I had no clue where to start in the journey and I prayed for guidance. Today's sense of peace help me hear and listen to the spirit. And I believe the answer to my prayer of where to begin is to harness my own mind and be in control of my own thoughts. I think if I can do that I can eventually get to the point where I don't think about the things that happened every again. Then I can truly forget. Then the forgiveness will truly be complete. And I believe when the forgiveness in complete I will be at that peaceful point where I feel nothing. No pain, no anger, no frustration. No more dwelling trying to make sense of all of it.

 

I'm in a good place right now. I continue to exercize this control of myself every minute of the day and I will be stron again. I will be stronger than ever. I even hope to go back to the temple this month. I have not been since all this started. I think by the end of this month I will be ready to go back and do temple work again if I can keep up this peace and restraint.

 

My friend texted me this last night:

 

Whom I am is the possibility of being. . .

 

and you fill in the bank. Today I will fill it in with peaceful. Tomorrow. . . well, we'll see what new challenge comes my way. then.

 

Taking the second step in this long journey. With a smile and peace in my heart. Here I go!

Long journey

I began this morning with a prayer. It was very difficult as I have not done that in a long time. I felt a lot better after I did it and went straight into reading from The Miracle of Forgiveness, as recommended by a good friend experiencing something similar. I could tell right away this is going to be a long and difficult journey as each word, each action and every innaction came flooding to my mind.

I have hope, though. During this onslaught of horrible memories and feelings I was reminded that I overcame something with this same individual before. One of the individuals that I hired to work for me last year needed help once driving a van from Northern California to Southern Arizona. I offered and even paid for my plane ticket with my own expenses. She got mad at me and very childishly decided to have her dad do the drive with her leaving me stranded in California as my connecting ticket home was in Phoenix. If not for the good grace of my parents I would have been stuck there in California.

At such a thoughtless, selfish act I was certain I could never feel anything again for such a horrible human being. And, like the incident last year, she did this to me on my birthday in 2009. Horrible.

I was able to overcome this to the point that I took my son to her house so he could visit with his cousins and while in her home she brought up the incident and to my face called me "crazy" for feeling the way I did about how it all happened. It was brought up in the context of refferring to another family member and she said, "Remember last year when you did what you did and we all thought you were crazy? Well, she's crazier than that!" And I sat there, alone, in her home. No one to back me up, no one to defend me, and I took it. I took her verbal abuse and I let it slide just saying, "yah, I know." If I could overcome that, I have faith that I can overcome this.

Right now, as I am at the very beginning of this journey, I am very filled with anger and hatred as I do not understand any of it and why they have not made any attempt to ask for forgiveness on their part or acknowledge that they wronged me. After a year of waiting I have learned that I don't think that i could ever feel anything toward these people again, but I would like to get to the point of feeling nothing. Right now I feel anger and very strong hatred toward them as I think that people who can't acknowledge that they are wrong and refuse to correct their mistakes and do absolutely nothing except inflict pain and misery on others are horrible human beings and I have no desire to ever have any sort of relationship with them again. But I would like to get to the point of just thinking of them as people. Just another person. That is my goal. To get over this hatred toward them to the point of indifference.

I need to get to this point as this is severely affecting my marriage. The fact that I am sealed to these people for eternity makes my stomach turn.

I know that these people have good qualities and are good people. but for some reason, when it comes to me, and even other inlaws in the family, they mistreat us horribly. And to protect myself and my family I must remove them from my life. But since they are family and I cannot fully remove them from my life I must at least get to the point where I feel nothing. Just like with the incident where I was left on my own to figure out what I was going ot do in Northern California. I feel nothing about that now. I probably should have felt something about it, though. Maybe if I had rememebred those feelings I wouldn't ahve taken the chance of hiring her based on her previous childish behavior.

But that's done and gone now. I have hope that I will overcome this, but I am still feeling a little lost. I felt better as I prayed, but as I started reading The Miracle of Forgiveness I could feel just how strong satan's grasp is on me. He wants me to destroy my family and leave my husband over this. He wants me to continue to be distracted by these things that don't matter anymore.

Having made up my mind to not have them in my life was a huge healing step. I tried what the therapist told me and tried to live my life with them in it as if nothing had happened. But the bottom line is that something did happen. And I need to protect myself from their malicious ways and not let them be a part of my life anymore. I spent a lot of my time trying to make things right, apologizing profusely, even going as far as to get one of these individuals a modeling job with a photographer friend of mine. I have spent the last 6 months of my life trying so hard to get their approval back. But I never had it before. So instead of wasting my time trying to be accepted by these people, I'm going to focus my efforts elsewhere, on something that matters.

This is so hard. It consumes me. But this is it. I let it consume me this morning, but not anymore. I am going to go about my usual morning with Miriam. We'll probably go to a park or bake something. And usually I do that and am there on the outside, but on the inside I am twisted inside and can't wait until I can take a nap so that my mind will just turn off. But today I am going to be with my child in mind, body and spirit. She is here now and she is all that matters.

I have given in to the pain and anger this morning, but I will not anymore. When those thoughts, feelings and memories come back to my mind I will replace them by looking forward instead of backward. I will look forward to my next training session for my marathon. I will look forward to my next science experiment with Joshua (one of our favorite activities to do together). I will look forward to my next family gathering with a family unit that strives to love and support each other, not inflict pain and punishment on each other. I will now always look forward instead of backward, looking forward to the person I can become. The person I have it in me to become. I have the potential to be something great, an effective tool in the hands of the Lord. And as I strive to overcome satan who has his hooks in me so tight, I will find strength in my friends, my Butler family and draw from the strength of the prophets of the church by reading my scriptures daily to learn how each of them dealt with hurt and pain.

I think of Joseph Smith and all the wrong that was done to him and he remained faithful to the end. That is my goal. Oh how I wish I could ask him for advice, as I still don't know where to start with this. I do know that I can't continue doing what I was doing, so I have made some changes. I think I just need to give those changes time to take effect: praying daily, reading scriptures and other books from the prophets and thinking positive and purposeful thoughts.

I have never been a hateful person and I am disgusted with what I have become this year. My goal is to be better than I ever have been by this time next year. And I think the best place to start is with a prayer.



M.

Goals for week 12/3-12/8

Last week I ran two miles in 16:17. Then I wanted to collapse and die. :)

This week I'd like to slow it down and run a longer distance. I am aming for four milesin 45 minutes for this week.

I also would like to focus on strengthening the tissue and muscle around my joints in my hips, particularly my right hip, using machines and also swimming.

This week I plan to cook healthy meals for my family to help my energy levels and overall health. No more mac and cheese on those crazy nights. Everyday! Well, maybe I should say six days. If I miss out on one day I will feel like I failed and then give up for the rest of the week :).


I have to work all this around my chillins, ofcourse. We are being santa for a family in need and get to deliver our goodies this week! Can't wait for that! Last year was so fun and my kids are just a little bit older now. They get it a little more, I think.

One thing I love to do with my children is bake and cook. But I need to stop baking muffins and brownies and cookies if I'm really going to focus on this marathon. Does anyone have any healthy baking recipes? Or cooking. I guess we don't have to bake. Though it is their favorite. :)

Freedom! Finally!

I am returning to this blog for what it was originally intended for: as a way to monitor and track my goals.

I am registering in January to a marathon in Dublin, Ireland! And I began training on Wednesday of last week. The race is August 5th of next year. My friend, Adam, has been an inspiration to me. Recently diagnosed with an autimmune disease, he has still decided to run a race that his degenrating muscles are against doing.

Recently, he had asked if anyone wanted to join his team for a race in Vancouver. But the dates just didn't work out. I would really like to, at some point, run a marathon with him. We can scream, "Screw you!" to our disorders all the way!

Today was a changing day for me. I made a decision today. And I made it publicly so that I stick with it. Having made it publicly, some of my friends were worried that what I was talking about had to do with them. I can assure you all, dear friends, it had nothing to do with you. Unfortunately, it was family. Something happened last year with two members of my family. I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas with my families because of it, I was hospitalized in January for stroke symptoms because of it, and have spent thousands on therapy and medication. Yesterday was a very bad day for me. I was about to call it quits. I have been pretending, at the recommendation of my therapist, that everything is okay. I guess it's the "fake it till you make it" idea. I have been pretending that everything is okay, and it isn't. Today I sat on the stand at church and I looked out at the congregation during the sacrament and I saw so much pain and hurt on people's faces. I realized I was not the only one in the room who had been wronged by someone. Knowing some of these people personally, I also knew I was not the only one wronged by family. Yet, they were all still there at church. They all still taught their lessons and fulfilled their callings and duties. I realized at that moment that there is no amount of medication, no amount of therapy that will help me. I can't sit around and wait for a check for $1,339.47 anymore because it isn't coming. I can't sit around and wait for an apology, because it isn't coming. I can't sit around anymore and wait for acknowledgment that these individuals ruined my life and my family and my marriage for one whole year, because it isn't coming.

I have no idea how I am going to do this. I have no clue what the steps are. I wish there was a check list 1-10. But there isn't when it comes to trusting the Lord. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I have done everything outwardly: offered my forgiveness and asked forgiveness, patched up relationships, my business is thriving better than ever, etc. Everything is okay on the outside. But when I go to my basement to work I am flooded with memories. Memories of packages being returned. Memories of staying up all night, working through Thanksgiving and working on Christmas DAY instead of being with my family to fulfill what work they accepted to do and kept the funds I provided for them to do it with. And yesterday was one of those days. As I picked up a stapler that once belonged to one of these individuals I was filled with such anger and hatred. And I can't do that anymore because I know it is Satan. I know I have let Satan in and he is having a gggrrreeeaaattt time messing with me. He is loving it! He is the one destroying my life, my marriage and my family.

I have been saying for months that I am turning this over to the Lord, and for a good majority of the time I meant it. But, I know now, after yesterday, that I haven't even begun that long journey. I met with the bishop today to figure out how to get to that point. He asked me for the names and addresses of these individuals as he does not believe, after hearing of my struggles, that this individual should hold a temple recommend as she has not been honest with her fellow man and has not made any effort on her part to make ammends. I have done all the work. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't give it to him. Because I believe that in her heart she has distorted the situation so much that she truly believes there was nothing wrong with her behavior and keeping funds for work she didn't do and not even acknowledging fault, asking forgiveness or trying to make ammends. I truly believe she feels she is answering that quesiton honestly. So I told him no.

And now it is all up to me. No more waiting. No more pretending that I am not hurt by the significant pain they caused me. I was hurt. They did wrong. I did wrong as well but I have done everything in my power to make it right. They have done n.o.t.h.i.n.g. And that hurts.

I am done being hurt. I am done letting satan rule my mind and my feelings. I still don't know where to begin, but I feel like I have made a good start. I have removed the toxic waste from my life. I have started to pray again. And I will be asking my husband for a priesthood blessing to help me overcome satan and kick him out! And to then give me guidance as to how to feel again. I have been like stone for a year, not feeling. My husband and my children are the most important thing in my life and they are all that matter to me. I need to be emotionally available for them. I need to be an example. I need to overcome satan who is so much present in my life right now and I believe influencing some of my decisions.

No more waiting around. I'm done with all of this. I have no idea what to do next, but my knowledge of the Savior Jesus Christ and his atonement is enough to help me start. I will use his atoning sacrifice as it was meant for. I will not cary this alone. I have no clue how to turn something over to the Lord and put it in his hands. No clue. For a while there, I thought I was doing that. But I was not. I am ready to do that now. I am ready to be a servant to the Lord again. I have been on the receiving end of His grace this year as I have put my poor sweet husband through so much and He has blessed our family to be able to keep it together. It is time for me to be on the giving side now. Enough taking. I need to fix my mind, fix my spirit so I can return to being useful again. I am removing satan from my life and giving my life, mind and body to the Lord.

That leads me to my next announcement. To be completely focussed on dedicating my life to the service of God and building up his kingdom I have decided to stop working. Not entirely, but I am closing my Etsy shop. I will still have my website and blog, which both generate revenue, but the bulk of my work comes from Etsy and I will be closing that shop on December 17th. This will allow me the time I need each day to focus and meditate on what is important in life: My husband, my children and serving my community.

I am done being a tool of satan which causes problems and rifts in relationships. I am ready to be a tool for the Lord again and do what I love most: serving within my community and helping others.

Once I have my head on straight I hope to rekindle what might be left of our Mother's For Service Community Service Group. I know each of us have added several children to our brood since the last attempt, but I believe we can find something that will fit with our group.

My dear friends, you have been a strength to me this past year. You have been a comfort when I was in my "funk." You always offered kind words, comforting embrace and kindness even when you did not understand why. I love you all so much. I dedicate my marathon to you, my Roanoke/Salem Virginia friends who have stood by me this last year when I was so distant and had nothing to contribute to your lives. Being my friend was of no benefit to you this past year. But I promise to change that. I hope to be the friend that enriches your life. I hope to be to you now what you have been to me this past year. You all are so wonderful and I love you so much.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

Here I go.