Monday, February 24, 2014

Inspiration

I received a letter form my sister, Ashley, who is in boot camp. She is doing well. I was so inspired. She talked about how they broke her down as far they could then started to build her back up from the ground. She said, "I never let them break me all the way." I was so inspired. She is so strong. I could never go through all that. She talked about doing the gas chamber. I'd cry hysterically and probably throw a temper tantrum or two.

I was thinking about why we do things that are hard. I ran tonight and ran up a difficult steep hill. I used to stop and walk it. But tonight I said to myself, "Running this is what will separate me from the people who walk it because it's easier." Ad I ran it for the first time. It was hard and it hurt, but I found myself continuing to run even when I was at the top of the hill.

We do these things to separate ourselves from those who only do the things that are easy. Those who just want to take the easy way.

I thought tonight about where I am at in my life and thought about how I'm in such a solid place in my mind, my heart. . .  in recent years, I was just going through the motions. I did things only because that's what I did at that time every day. There was no purpose to anything in my life. One thing I knew I had to do, even when I wasn't thinking in my right mind, I knew I had to continue going to church. I knew it would be harder to come back from not going at all than it would be to come back just in mind and spirit. So I continued to go. I would often go into the mothers lounge and wait till church was over. And eventually I asked to play the piano in primary. No one really notices you there. It was a really hard time in my life. I didn't where to go, didn't know what to do. Didn't know how to act and didn't have any answers. But one thing was for sure, and that was that I had to continue going to church no matter how much it made thing of certain people in my life that I didn't want to think about anymore, and no matter how much I disliked hearing the talks and lessons, I knew I had to physically be there. And I realize now that Heavenly Father recognized that. And he waited patiently for me to come out of it. At the time I felt abandoned because I had no answers, felt lost without any guidance. But I realize now how much Heavenly Father knows us individually and the love he has for us, for me.

There was once a story about a sick boy who was quarantined. His father could only watched through a window. He couldn't do anything to help, couldn't even be heard by the son. And all the father could do was watch him suffer. It was likened to Heavenly Father's perspective when we make choices in our lives that cause us pain and suffering. He cannot just step in and fix it all for us, snap us out of it or heal us. We have to be in a position where we can accept Him and His help and love for us. But as long as we make poor choices and suffer the consequences, the extent of what Heavenly Father can do for us is wait and watch. But He is always there. Waiting. Watching. And ready to help us at any time. Of course, there is a degree of healing that must happen before he can be fully present in our lives, just as the sick boy must heal before unquarantined. But Heavenly Father will be there and will wait until we are fully ready to receive Him.

I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. I know without it, I would not have got through the extremely difficult trial I recently went through. It took me three years to come out of it even with the gospel in my life. If I didn't have it, I'd be a big mess right now. I likely would have destroyed my family and continued to make worse and worse choices.

It was hard to go through that. And I am glad I did. Just as I ran that hill tonight to separate myself  from others, to put myself in the "elite" group, I perserveered through the hard times determined to come out of it making positive choices. And now I am better than ever and my family is better than ever. And I feel like having made it through that successfully without falling apart puts me in an "elite" group, the group of people who don't choose divorce as the easy way out. The group of people that fix something when it's broken instead of throwing it out. But you can't be in the elite group without Heavenly Father. Because in this day and age, you can't keep a family together with Heavenly Father. Too many outside influences. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are the only way.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

A friend from high school serves me a slice of humble pie.

I have written often about how people shouldn't abandon each other because one person is in a funk or has a bad week, month, year, etc. Some "cut people out" of their lives if they don't offer something to their lives. So I had a hard month and you cut me out because I didn't have anything to give you at that time? What about when I got over it? So now I'm over things and I'm better than ever. And I'm grateful to those who didn't "cut me out" and I think they are too. I think that's just a bad attitude and a poor way to live. I think people that are focused on what other people have to offer to their lives should think, "What can I offer to their lives while they're enduring this difficult trial?" Cutting people out is selfish and mean.

But even more than that, people change. And people can change for the better. I know I have. I am better than ever. I feel very connected to the Lord right now and can honestly say that my actions right now are spiritual guided. And my life is great. Worth gold. :) My life is worth gold because I live in such a way now that has made it that way. Before, my choices and actions weren't making my life very valuable. But I am just as good now as I ever was. And to those who cut me out: Your loss.

But what about when the tables are turned? One time, in high school, I went to youth conference. It was a weekend long event. There was a boy there I had never met. He was good looking and seemed nice. He asked me for my phone number! I was shocked. I actually didn't know what to do or how to respond and I ended up saying no! There was just something weird about the way he asked me. I also thought to myself, "And when you call, what are we going to talk about? Remember that time at Youth Conference when I asked for your phone number?" Yah, not going to happen.

Later on, a friend came up to me and pulled me aside and said, "That group of guys over there made a bet that they couldn't get a girl's phone number before the end of the weekend. I think one is going to ask you. Just wanted to give you a head's up." Yah. . . he already tried it. . .

I don't know if I was particularly desparate looking or homely or what, but he chose to ask me. Chose to humiliate and embarrass me! I didn't let it get to me too much. I brushed it off for the most part and was really glad I went with my instinct and said,"no."

After that weekend we had the great fortune to have classes together at school every single year after that until graduation. In fact, I was seminary class president to mine and his class. And while I didn't let it bother me to the point that I cried or developed a bad attitude toward guys, etc, you'd better believe I didn't ever let him forget that he did that to me. Ever. Including last Sunday.

So I went to church on Sunday and passed a group of new missionaries in the hallway who had just arrived the night before. One stopped me and said, "Is your name Melissa?" I said, "YES IT IS BBBBEEEENNNNN!" I knew exactly who he was. And since he was my age I said, "So, how long have you been on your mission now? Nine, ten years?" He just laughed and I introduced him to my kids and talked about the places he had been already on his mission. I had to play the piano in primary, so I had to get going.

I thought all day about this and why he would be on a mission now. I thought about how I would craftily bring up that youth conference to, again, not let him every forget :) I went home and Facebook stalked him. I found his FB and a website where he had been keeping a record of his pre mission experiences, post call, and mission experiences. I spent most of the afternoon reading every word. I couldn't believe what I was reading. None of what I was reading sounded anything like the boy who I had taken great care to make sure he never forgot one little incident, one little conversation that took all of a minute and half. One tiny little action. I was amazed at what I read. He was very spiritual, very open and, being an English major, his writing actually impressed me most. He seemed very well read and wrote very well. I could hardly believe it! He wasn't the boy who took bets from friends or acted on peer pressure not thinking about who he was acting against. He was changed for the better, becoming fully consumed in the work of the Lord and dedicating his life to the saving of souls.

Then I remembered how much I wanted people to see me for who I am now, and not for I was then. And then I got a little sad. I was ladled a piping hot bowl of humble soup. Disappointed in myself for doing to him what others are currently doing to me. It doesn't feel good. It isn't nice and it is selfish and hurtful.

I plan to live in the present. What that means to me is that I will live my life and treat people based on who they are right now, not who they were yesterday. And I hope people will treat me based on who I am today. Not who I was yesterday.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Dreaming too big??

I'm sitting here at my work desk with my legs wrapped in a heating pad. I've been running everyday and at a fast pace. I'm trying to meet a huge goal. But I'm beginning to think I didn't give myself enough time to achieve it. My goal may be unrealistic. We'll see. I'm going to keep going.

I have never felt better than I do right now and it is because I have my mind, body and spirit all in the right place. Before I felt imbalanced. My mind (work) was overpowering everything and my body and spirit suffered. Or there was a time after feeling betrayal that I just let my spirit completely die and was solely relying on mind and body. And I just didn't feel like I was making progress no matter how much work I put into it.

Finally, I am at the right place in my life to have big dreams and big goals. I have found balance in my work life (which is what I think of as the "mind" portion of this triad) by cutting out the work blog. (I have three blogs. Work blog is windowsbymelissa.BlogSpot-- "mind," That which doesn't kill you.blogspot, "body," and Real Life in Laymon's terms-- "spirit." And I am keeping records in all of them of my journey). My work blog was bringing in too much business and had a lot of expectation with it as we had paid advertisers on it. So when I cut that out the work load slowed a little and I didn't feel obligated to write posts because we had people paying for ad space. I also cut out FB, chat and tv. I have the tv on right now while I am working, but I'm watching the news. Otherwise, I listen to music or uplifting conference talks. I also have a great set of videos from the Living Scriptures about the modern day prophets that I enjoy watching while I work. I have decided to only have positive and uplifting media on while I work so I don't feel the weight of depression, or go into a run in a negative mood, or any other mood other than that of focusing on the run. This has also helped in my spiritual life. In cutting out media I have a much clearer mind and find myself dwelling on positive helpful thoughts. And now that I am a temple recommend holder again, I just feel repaired and whole and ready to dream big.

My goal is a little too big. I get up every morning to run before my kids wake up so that my personal goals don't encroach on my kids time. We had a bad snow last week (22") and it melts during the day then refreezes at night. So I have been going to the gym in the afternoons or running while my kids are in their swim lessons. But starting tomorrow I'll be back to normal. hello 4:30 am!! I can do this now that I have balance in my work life.

Since my goal is so big, I accessed the spiritual side of it. I needed to pick a training and diet plan. I decided the Word Of Wisdom is my plan. I prayed to Heavenly Father and told Him that if He will help me reach my goals, I will testify to ALL THE WORLD that my training plan is the Word of Wisdom! I also told Him that I understand if this isn't my path and isn't meant to be because of my current health concerns. But if He see fit, I will preach till I die that the Word of Wisdom is there to help us be in our optimum physical states.

That being said, I currently have about 1 coke a week. I need to cut that out. . . And after really reading into the word of wisdom in detail, I have determined we eat WAY too much meat. :/

I read the WOW often to remind myself of it and keep myself on track. So far I am doing great. I have to run 11 miles today to keep on track with my training and my legs feel like lead weights! But I am determined.

While the goal itself involved running a particular marathon, the ultimate goal is to inspire. We are all given excuses, particularly myself with EDS. That's the perfect excuse not to run. But just because we have an excuse doesn't mean we have to use it. I hope to teach my kids this. And it's a lesson I hope they apply to their entire lives, not just running. The point is that there is an excuse for everything. But we don't have to use them. We shouldn't use them. They just hold us back from. . . the gold ;)

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Perseverance: My mom and dad

I think about people constantly. My friends and family are always on my mind in one capacity or another. Earlier this morning, shortly after I woke up, I was remembering a Thanksgiving at my sister in law, Sharon's house. I was just thinking about us all in the kitchen cooking together. No big deal, nothing significant, but I often think about things like this. When I am waiting for my kids at school or the bus stop, I am always thinking about someone. I don't know why. It's just somewhere my mind always goes.

After another successful business month, I have been reflecting on how I got here. I never considered myself very skilled in business nor did I consider myself to even have a desire to do anything with business. I've always been more of an artsy person. but circumstances set in and I stepped up. I found a strength I didn't know I had.

So I've been wondering how that became a strength of mine. And I realized it was because of the example of my mother and father.

When circumstances made it so my mom had to work, she picked up jobs through ASU embroidering ASU on T-shirts and draw string bags. She was very good at it and they always looked very professional. I can still remember going with her t the ASU store and dropping off the items. She did what it took to make ends meet.

And then there' dad. ha! I have so many funny stories about my dad and business that I think of often now when I reflect on my business.

My dad never had cash. If we needed or wanted money to go somewhere or do something dad always said, "I don't have money for that." That's because the second he had disposable income he'd put it into an investment. When I got married, my grandfather gave me a $100 gift card to Costco. But we don't have Costco here in Virginia where I am located. My dad wanted to buy it off me for his use, but didn't have any cash. So he traded me 20 oz of silver for my Costco gift card. hahaha. This story cracks me up to this day!

The other story that I love telling about my dad is one from my youth. I went on a choir trip and I needed a duffle bag. My dad told me my brother, Neal, had his duffle bag. So I asked Neal for the bag and there was a heavy brick in it. I asked Neal why there was a brick in it. He said, "I don't know. Use it as a door stop." I set it in my closet thinking I might start using it as a door stop! I had been returned from my trip for several days when my dad came into my room in a panic and his face sweaty. He said, "There was something in the duffle bag that Neal gave you. Was it still in there when he gave you the duffle bag?" Having been sitting on the floor in my room doing homework, I was in easy reach of my closet. I took out the brick and said, "This thing?" Looking at the relief on my dad's face at the sight of the brick, I knew it wasn't just any old brick. He explained that he had invested in gold and used that duffle bag to transport his bricks of gold. That thing was heavy too. I probably had many thousands of dollars in gold sitting in my closet for a week or so. Good thing I didn't take it on my trip! That's my dad, leaving bricks of gold around the house! He's very smart with money and his investments.

So anyway, my point is that I am so grateful to both my parents for being smart and for teaching us to not just survive, but to thrive! To excel in everything! To do everything the best we can and then enjoy the rewards of our hard work and efforts. I especially learned perseverance from my mother as I watched her often sew those little tiny letters on shirts day in and day out. They didn't ask anyone for money or help. They just did what they had to do. And it paid off in the end in bricks of gold :) ha!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The parable of the vineyard

I am sure I have read Jacob 5 more times than I've read my own name. I feel like I know this part of the Book of Mormon in and out. But several things have stood out to me this time around because of where I am at in my life.

I realize now how everyone plays a part in our lives. In Jacob 5:37 when the tree begins to produce rotten fruit, the master says to the servant that the tree is perishing. When the master's tress begin to perish he tells the servant to go get more servants to help preserve the tree. I've heard this compared to missionary work, visiting and home teaching 8 million times. But I think it applies within our own families and friendships. I think we are all responsible for each other.

I think preserving the tree is like preserving our relationships with our family members and friends as a means of support. I was thinking of my own relationship  with my sister, Cyndie. I said some things that her feelings it took her a long time to forgive me. I had done everything in my power to make things right, but she still hadn't yet forgiven me. And though I was at peace knowing I had done enough to rectify the situation, the situation still plagued me since I knew she was feeling troubled. That nagging at the back of my mind hindered my progress at times as that was time I could have spent doing other things to further myself. I have always had a grasp of this concept and so I made it imperative in my life to forgive others. There was anther situation with another sister, or two, and it took me two years to fully forgive. But I knew and understood the importance of forgiveness from all parts and chose to dedicate a significant amount of my life to learning how to love them as sisters again and to forgive them. And I am glad my sister, Cyndie, did that for me. She and I must come from good stock, as my dad says :) We both seem to understand that having close relationships with family members is essential to support and uplifting one another. I think we are all responsible for each other and have can have a significant impact on how those closest to us feel. And it is important tat no matter what has been do to us, or what we have done, that we treat each other positively and in an uplifting manner. As much as I can say I'm just going to forget someone, it doesn't happen that way. So as much as I am feeling hurt, I have made it a personal goal to only say positive uplifting things and to only be positive and uplifting in all I do towards others. And this helps me forget that anything bad ever happened. It is all the more important to make sure our relationships with siblings and close friends is well nourished and preserved for our own progression's sake and for the other person's progression's sake. I hope to teach my children to never punish someone else by being unforgiving because that hinders progress for both parts.

I know that was a bunch of rambling, but it all made sense in my head. :) Basically, I think we have a responsibility to treat each other well, regardless of the circumstances. I am so grateful for my sister Cyndie and how much her forgiveness has helped me progress in my personal life. I'm grateful for all my sisters. All nine of them :)

The other thing that caught my eye this time was verse 73 when the roots are not developed enough to hold the substantial top of the tree. I have often had one or two really good days where I feel like my life is going super well and that everything is turning around. And then after a day or so I feel like I just crash and die. I connected with this verse because I felt like I had such good intentions of doing everything right and doing really well, but when I was carrying around the weight of negative feelings, my roots could not sustain the substantial goals and intentions I had. I had to make everything right in my mind and my heart and be at peace there before I could move forward with any kind of progress.



Okay, enough heavy stuff. I have a new goal. It's pretty huge. In fact, when I told my nurse friend about it she told me to have my thyroid checked :) Maybe my hormones are imbalanced and I am thinking I can do way more than I can :) I can't elaborate just yet, but I will be able to on April 27th. I need some time to see if it is physically possible for me to do this. Then I can say one way or the other. I am going to say no matter which way it turns out, but there would be more disappointment if I shared it now and then it didn't work out than if I say it after the fact. I know, anticlimactic. . .  Maybe I'll get my thyroid checked one of these days. . .

Saturday, February 8, 2014

At peace in my heart

I can finally say that I have peace in my heart. It's been a long time, but I finally don't feel wretched anymore. And what a beautiful thing peace is. What a relief it is.

My grandma was never at peace. Always at odds with someone. I don't want that to be me. I'm sad for my grandma that she lived that way. She, too, had a lot of sadness in her life and was just generally a sad person. She used to say that she and my grandpa didn't have a happy marriage and they didn't love each other. But one time she told me a story about having to give grandpa his insulin shots for his diabetes. She said she sometimes would have to sit on him during insulin fits and give him insulin injections. She cried when she told me that and I knew that she loved him. I knew she'd been hurt and felt hurt because of the way they treated each other and the way they chose to live. But I knew she still loved him.

I want everyone to know how much I love them, and not just keep it to myself and realize how much I care after they are long gone. I have failed miserably at this in recent years, but I have renewed my efforts and determination to live a Christ like life and display Christ like love in all I do. This has come more naturally to me in the past month or so, but before that, it really took some determination and focus. As I am my grandmother's granddaughter and am predispositioned to fly off the handle at the first hint of controversy, it has taken a lot of dedication to form myself into a different person. And I have seen changes in myself, my relationships with my friends and most importantly, my home in this past month as I have endeavored to make this change.

I share this because I truly believe that people can change. I have had some negative and bad experiences with people in the past, but I have decided to keep my heart open to them. Because I believe they can change as I have.

I am a better person than I was yesterday. And tomorrow, I hope to be better than I was today.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Perseverance

I try to keep a journal or my daily happenings. But I find it hard as my days vary in ups and downs. It often feels primarily of downs. And I have been thinking lately that it is time to accept the sadness of my life. Sadness brought on by others, by my own choices, by circumstances, etc. And it is time to accept that I was not born for happiness. Not happiness, but something. I still have a purpose and can still function. I've just made room for the sadness. I find joy in things, but am overall a sad person. And so I do not wish to record the daily events of my life. But if one word could sum up my life, I wouldn't want it to be sadness. I'd want it to be persevere.

I have not endured as much as some, but enough to influence my life a great deal. I find myself often connecting with the sadness found in John Steinbeck novels or even connecting with Scarlet Ohara. :) The people both endured trials and hardships, but they lived through the particular trial. I know my sadness will not kill me, so I need to persevere. I need to continue on and find the joy. I will not let the sadness overtake my life.

I have decided to write some experiences from my past where I persevered through difficult challenges hoping to find some inspiration from my past self to influence my present self.

When I was a freshman in high school I was in a dram class. The teacher had us read a play he wrote that I felt was wildly inappropriate. The play had a good message, but the subject matter was teen suicide, something that I personally felt was not appropriate for a bunch of young, vulnerable, high school students. He asked for our opinion. I raised my hand and he said, "I don't want a Mormon's opinion." It was my very first year of high school. I can't even recall how he knew I was Mormon. This public humiliation was extremely painful to me. I wanted to remove myself from the situation. I prayed to know if I should stay and be a "positive influence" on this person who clearly had the wrong idea about Mormons. I felt that he was not ready to receive such influence and that I needed to leave the class. The only other class available during that hour was choir. I had zero singing ability, but did have some familiarity with music having taken piano lessons and played clarinet for five years. I was very hesitant, feeling like I would enter a place full of talented people and felt like my lack of singing ability would bring them down. I was determined to not let that happen and to do well in this class so that I didn't have to be in the other class.

I worked daily on my singing. I learned to sight read really well and sang so much that my vocal cords became extremely developed. I found a happy home there in choir and not only learned to sing, but was admitted the following year into the top choir and then subsequently into the elite choir made up of a small portion of members from the top choir. I even went on to audition for a regional choir. After my solo the judge gave me a 59/60 and explained that they aren't allowed to give a 60 because "no one is perfect." But told me to consider my 59/60 a perfect. Then she wrote underneath that, "See you in regional choir." Unfortunately, at the time, my sight reading skills were not on par with my competitors and singing perfectly didn't measure up to sight reading abilities and I did not, in fact make the regional choir. But I was still content as three years earlier I had no singing ability to speak of.

I persevered and developed a talent out of a situation that made me very sad. It took many years to develop and is something that still brings me joy today. I will be singing a solo with my friend, Renee, on the harp on Easter Sunday.

I do believe that we have two directions we can go when we have felt wounded and hurt. And I do believe that if we choose the right direction, it will take time, but we will be blessed with joy and be able to bless others with joy with whatever lesson we have learned from that which wounded us. As a result of the public humiliation I experienced that fall of 14 years ago, I now hope to inspire others and help them feel the spirit on Easter Sunday.

You never know who you might touch or inspire. And it may take 14 years. But you must persevere. And not only will you be blessed, but the lives of others in your life will be blessed.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Temple Recommend holder

Yesterday was an emotional day for many reasons. The most emotional part had to be that we learned Garren's grandfather will not live through this week. Everyone seems to be at peace with his decision. But, these things are always difficult no matter what the circumstance. And waiting for the phone call is ZERO fun.

But for me, personally, yesterday was a day I've been working toward for a long time. I am, once again, a Temple Recommend holder. I want to be clear that I didn't have my recommend taken from me. I let it expire and didn't renew it. I have struggled with my inlaws since the day before I got married when I met most of them. I didn't understand how being sealed to families worked. I didn't like the idea of being sealed to his family. And because of that, I didn't want to go to the temple. I haven't been to the temple in over three years. I sought more understanding and knowledge on the subject from my bishop and learned that being sealed does not work latterly. So while I am sealed to Garren, it does not mean that I will be with him and his siblings in the afterlife even though they are all sealed to each other.  When I learned this I started working harder on overcoming my negative feelings so that I could enter the temple with a clear mind and positive thoughts.

I am so grateful for the temple for so many reasons. But I have to say, if it weren't for that little 2" by 4" piece of paper, I don't know if I would have worked so hard to overcome my negative feelings towards them. I feel much about everything and now that our relationships have healed, things in my own family are operating much more smoothly. The temple truly blesses families in every way imaginable. I have a better understanding of temple blessings now more than ever. If I hadn't had this experience, I don't know if I ever would have gained this understanding.

I will never let my recommend expire again :) Life is good.