I had an extremely significant experience today. Probably the most significant spiritual moment I've ever had.
I can finally close a chapter of my life that I have desperately trying to close for years: the matter of my husband's sisters. I have dedicate much of my time to making things right with them and restoring our relationship to what it was before "the incident." Every few days I would literally pray, ponder and think about what I could do that day to remind them that I am still here and I still care. (This is how it came about that I found his sister had started working for a small business in her area and that day I thought my positive action toward her would be to purchase one of her creations and then endorse her skills on LinkedIn. Which leads me to Home Remedy Designs, a rival window treatments company she had created. Childish and hateful is all that was). I'd send emails, birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and whatever just to let them know I was still there and they were important to me. So much of my life has been devoted to these little careful things in an effort to make things as they were before the "incident."
Tonight, I did my usual. . . what can I do today to quietly and subtly remind them that I care about having a relationship with them? And I immediately received my answer. It is difficult to explain as it wasn't delivered in words. But if it had been words they would have said, "You have done all you can do and you don't need to continue doing this anymore. What you have done is sufficient in my eyes and I don't require anything further." It was such a relief! I can finally be done!
I have often said that I was moving on without my husband's family in my life. But it always felt like it came from a hateful and angry place. But tonight I was finally able to say that I was going to move on with my life without them being a part of it and it felt peaceful and like Heavenly Father thought that would be okay. I think it has been clear and apparent that they are cold and unreceptive to my attempts and I think Heavenly Father recognized the pain I experienced as a result of both their actions and inactions after repeated, innocent attempts and has finally freed me of any further obligation to make things as they were before. Because they won't do their part.
It was so important to me that we have a good relationship for our kids and especially for Garren's mom. But I finally felt at peace tonight thinking about not having to do that anymore. And tonight it didn't feel important to me at all. I felt nothing at all. I feel nothing for them anymore and it is very peaceful.
I have been waiting for this day for years. I didn't realize or expect that this is how the peace would come. I always thought the peace would come from us finally being able to move on from that incident. Or perhaps an apology on their part and perhaps accepting some responsibility for their poor decisions and their rival business. But that clearly isn't going to happen. So it came in the form of just no longer feeling obligated.
I finally can say I'm never going to speak of them again or have them in my life and it feels like it is okay. I am going to go see this sister in a few weeks and it will be the last time I ever see her in this life. I am not afraid anymore of how the visit will go because I feel nothing for her anymore. I do not feel angry toward her, sorry for her, love for her as a sister,. . . I feel nothing. So anything that could go wrong won't affect me. And if it all goes well and is positive then hopefully that will be something we can build off of. But right now there is nothing. I feel nothing. And it's so nice. Finally. But after this sentence, never again will I speak of them because I don't care. They are nothing to me at this point in time. I don't mean that to sounds negative. But they truly mean nothing to me right now. I'm not sure how else to put that to make it sound the way I feel and not make it sound hurtful, because I don't intend for it to be hurtful. I just mean it plain and simply.
Peace cannot be overstated.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Recovering and back at it!
I try to live a healthy lifestyle to avoid getting sick. I don't handle "resting" and sitting still very well. My mind wanders and I become very depressed very quickly. So when I came down with the flu, naturally I was quite afraid of spiraling into a depression. But I was pleasantly surprised! I had all kinds of down time and I was fine!
Last week I had read several scriptures and ensign articles about how you can know if you are headed in the right direction and using the atonement accurately. Forgiveness does not happen in a day. So it is important for those going through the process to recognize the little improvements along the way that let them know they are getting there. Otherwise, it is quite discouraging and feels easier to stay down once you have fallen. I have had several tiny moments this week that have told me I'm headed in the right direction and I am adding this experience with the flu to my list of things.
A long time ago I used to be quite fun and enjoyable to be around. I've grown to be quite grumpy and unhappy in recent years. But these past few weeks I have found myself reconnecting with the wittier part of myself. While I had the flu, I spent a lot of time in bed and on the couch. I found myself crafting jokes and one liners. I couldn't hardly believe it! I haven't done that since well before my kids were born. Don't take that to mean having kids makes you grumpy and unhappy. It's just having kids literally zaps the energy right out of you and kind of go into crisis survival mode Constantly. But lately, as my kids are old enough to make their own sandwiches and poor themselves milk, I have found myself having more fun with them on a different level as I don't feel so in "what's the plan" mode. Having young children, I always felt like I had to have a plan to make everything function properly. But now, I feel like I can lighten up and relax and have fun with my kids as kids and no babies anymore. I'm really enjoying the age they are at.
Anyway, yaddad yadda.. . . As I am reconnecting with the writer in myself as well I find myself wanting to write more jokes and comedic scenarios. But my novel definitely is not a comedy. I hope to channel that energy somehow because I'm definitely enjoying it! I feel like my old happy self :) It's good! It's a good day! Thank goodness for the flu to give me some down time to reconnect with fun Melissa rather than boring survival mode Melissa.
Last week I had read several scriptures and ensign articles about how you can know if you are headed in the right direction and using the atonement accurately. Forgiveness does not happen in a day. So it is important for those going through the process to recognize the little improvements along the way that let them know they are getting there. Otherwise, it is quite discouraging and feels easier to stay down once you have fallen. I have had several tiny moments this week that have told me I'm headed in the right direction and I am adding this experience with the flu to my list of things.
A long time ago I used to be quite fun and enjoyable to be around. I've grown to be quite grumpy and unhappy in recent years. But these past few weeks I have found myself reconnecting with the wittier part of myself. While I had the flu, I spent a lot of time in bed and on the couch. I found myself crafting jokes and one liners. I couldn't hardly believe it! I haven't done that since well before my kids were born. Don't take that to mean having kids makes you grumpy and unhappy. It's just having kids literally zaps the energy right out of you and kind of go into crisis survival mode Constantly. But lately, as my kids are old enough to make their own sandwiches and poor themselves milk, I have found myself having more fun with them on a different level as I don't feel so in "what's the plan" mode. Having young children, I always felt like I had to have a plan to make everything function properly. But now, I feel like I can lighten up and relax and have fun with my kids as kids and no babies anymore. I'm really enjoying the age they are at.
Anyway, yaddad yadda.. . . As I am reconnecting with the writer in myself as well I find myself wanting to write more jokes and comedic scenarios. But my novel definitely is not a comedy. I hope to channel that energy somehow because I'm definitely enjoying it! I feel like my old happy self :) It's good! It's a good day! Thank goodness for the flu to give me some down time to reconnect with fun Melissa rather than boring survival mode Melissa.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Wrapping up the week
I've been working really hard lately to be a better person. All around. I want to be happier, more peaceful, kinder, etc. And I have felt so much better in all these areas this week. But one thing has me so down today. The Janet Abaroa murder was on 20/20 last night and I've just been in a funk all day. Janet and Raven met at SVU. Her last year there was my first year. She was murdered the month before Garren and I got married. Earlier this week he took the Alford plea deal which mean he accepts the consequences for the action without pleading guilty. So he was sentence to 95-123 months in jail, time already served counts. Which means he'll be back out by 2018. The whole thing is sickening. And it just makes me sad. They said, "This is good for everyone because Raven goes to jail and now the family can begin to heal and move one." WHAT?!?!? SERIOUSLY?!?! How does that help the family move on?! If I were in the family I would be extremely unsatisfied. The entire story, including court is here on WRAL's website. The most unsettling part was hearing all the friends testify and talk about all these places around campus I'd been a million times. ugh! NO JUSTICE! Life is so unfair!
So, to make myself feel better, we looked at several hiking trails in the alps as a family :) We think we have it narrowed to the France side or the Switzerland side. There's one hike we found that starts in France and ends in Italy that looked interesting to us, but we are limited to what our kids can handle. So we have to find a trail that doesn't have an "Avid" portions in it.
Marathon training is picking back up after a week off (except Wednesday). My kids and husband had the flu. But everyone is back to normal. I'm going to back to 5 am runs this upcoming week. Unless it snows on Tuesday and then all my mental faculties will surely be too challenged to run. :) I will admit though. .. . I like having fun with my kids on snow days :) Garren says, "They should be doing school work at home because that's what they would be doing otherwise." I say, "Uh huh. After we build a fort." :)
Oh, and, on another note. I didn't get the flu. And I always get what my kids bring in the house. I am convinced it is my doTERRA oils. That's the only thing that has changed in my lifestyle. I'm convinced! Anyone use doTERRA?
So, to make myself feel better, we looked at several hiking trails in the alps as a family :) We think we have it narrowed to the France side or the Switzerland side. There's one hike we found that starts in France and ends in Italy that looked interesting to us, but we are limited to what our kids can handle. So we have to find a trail that doesn't have an "Avid" portions in it.
Marathon training is picking back up after a week off (except Wednesday). My kids and husband had the flu. But everyone is back to normal. I'm going to back to 5 am runs this upcoming week. Unless it snows on Tuesday and then all my mental faculties will surely be too challenged to run. :) I will admit though. .. . I like having fun with my kids on snow days :) Garren says, "They should be doing school work at home because that's what they would be doing otherwise." I say, "Uh huh. After we build a fort." :)
Oh, and, on another note. I didn't get the flu. And I always get what my kids bring in the house. I am convinced it is my doTERRA oils. That's the only thing that has changed in my lifestyle. I'm convinced! Anyone use doTERRA?
Friday, March 21, 2014
Novel!!
Okay, enough with the heavy!
When I have OCD flair ups I tend to get extremely personal and heavy in my writing. This is for several reason: 1) I have trouble controlling my thoughts and tend to obsess about one particular thing. 2) I try to channel that obsession and tend to do it through intense scripture study, prayer and meditation. So the result is days and days of purging myself of all "worldly" things like tv, radio, media, etc and listen to nothing but church hymns and conference talks for a few days straight.
But then I snap out of it and come back to reality. Of course, this personal improvement continues as I do try to fit in personal scripture study, etc into my daily life. But I do like the occasional Arrested Development episode. And let's not pretend my life wouldn't be empty without Henry Cavill O'clock. . . This would be the point at night when I want to give up on working, but I have to go on! And I google Henry Cavill. :) That usually gives me some more energy.
Speaking of work. . . a few months ago I wrote to seamstresses of Christmas past, present and future to find who would take over the business. It was my golden ticket email to my WIllie Wonka moment. So I have my amazing team of women assembled and ready to take over! I am finishing up a few things, training videos, etc and then on to the next venture! My next business was going to be. . something awesome that I am still determined to make work but can't afford a key piece of it yet. So what I am going to do for my next business venture? I have two goals, one long term and one short term. I'd like to design and create textiles for films. A friend of mine is a filmmaker and I was an Associate Producer of his film Black Bird. And yes, you will see the business name there under Company Credits. He lives in Tennessee and it would be super awesome to work with him at some point. He plans to film in Tennessee as well. So I'm hoping I can offer my services to him in the future and start building a portfolio. That would be super awesome. Short term: My Novel. I've finally created a time line. If anyone cares I made a tab for it. Ha! That's to keep myself in check, of course.
So, my novel. . . It's about. . . . nope! Lips are sealed. You didn't think I was absent the day of writing class where we were instructed not to divulge our ideas, did you? But it's pretty awesome. I know this because when I get ideas that I know will be successful I tend to fill up every spare moment of my day (marathon training) with something so that I can avoid doing this awesome thing because it's so big and so great that it almost scares me. But it's time to put that aside and get this novel written.
My only problem right now is that I have to read a bunch so I can get my mind sharp for writing. The best thing you can do for writing is to read. And I have to read Dystopian Society books and I hate those. buh. But my novel is, in fact, a dystopian society book, even though I hate them. So I need to get in the loop on that genre. And I have the Hunger Games movie to watch tonight while I work, but I just. . meh. . . I don't want anything to do with it! Dystopian Society novels and movies mess with my head! 1984 was the worst. I've only read it once and it was 15 years ago and to this DAY I wonder who's watching me through the tv! And Brave New World? Forget it! I'm still expecting the day when we start rationing drugs to everyone to keep everyone happy and peaceful. And my novel is. going. to. mess. with. your. mind. But in a positive way. It's going to be different from other dystopian novels because it will get you thinking about a positive outcome. See, other dystopian society novels show you where we are headed if we do certain things and make certain choices. But my novel starts in a dysfunctional universe and works itself out of it! It's going to be UH-MAZING. Well, I think so anyway. ha! Not bragging, but I do have a history of awesome ideas that turned out to be total successes! On the other hand I have a history of not awesome choices too. Like that pay day when I went down to the bank to see about getting a loan to buy a B and B. SO glad that didn't end up being my next business venture. Holy cow!
I can't wait to finish up with my work so I can get started on my novel! And I need to finish this marathon stuff and get it out of my system. Ha!
(Someone asked me about my time the other day. I do have an affinity for time management. I'm just very good at it. Always have been. But that's also because I can't sit still, so I get a lot done. So here's how it goes for right now. It's about to change when I officially turn over the business to my lovely ladies. Wake up at 5 and run for two hours. Work until Miriam gets home at 1pm. Piano lesson practice and letters and numbers practice with Miriam until Josh gets home at 2:30. Homework and Piano lesson practice. Then we spend the afternoon doing any of the following: science experiments, playing in the play room, going to the park or we go to the gym on days that I don't go at 5 am. And gymnastics on Thursdays or swim lessons. Baths at 5:30, dinner at 6, bedtimes at 6:45when my husband comes home from work. Then I work from 7pm to 10 pm or whenever I am done. but if I get up at 5 I have to finish at 10. And when I take a break from working I blog :) When do my husband and I spend time together? The other day we blew kisses at each other passing in our cars dropping off the kids at their schools. jk. . . Garren works for the company too and helps me in the evenings to assemble mounting blocks, or whatever when he isn't doing the numbers. Occasionally we have lunch together before I get Miriam from school. Weekends are anything goes! Coming up, when I am done with work, I plan to write while the kids are at school. I'm so excited to get started. But a little scared and nervous. My idea has a TON of potential and I hope I can do it justice).
When I have OCD flair ups I tend to get extremely personal and heavy in my writing. This is for several reason: 1) I have trouble controlling my thoughts and tend to obsess about one particular thing. 2) I try to channel that obsession and tend to do it through intense scripture study, prayer and meditation. So the result is days and days of purging myself of all "worldly" things like tv, radio, media, etc and listen to nothing but church hymns and conference talks for a few days straight.
But then I snap out of it and come back to reality. Of course, this personal improvement continues as I do try to fit in personal scripture study, etc into my daily life. But I do like the occasional Arrested Development episode. And let's not pretend my life wouldn't be empty without Henry Cavill O'clock. . . This would be the point at night when I want to give up on working, but I have to go on! And I google Henry Cavill. :) That usually gives me some more energy.
Speaking of work. . . a few months ago I wrote to seamstresses of Christmas past, present and future to find who would take over the business. It was my golden ticket email to my WIllie Wonka moment. So I have my amazing team of women assembled and ready to take over! I am finishing up a few things, training videos, etc and then on to the next venture! My next business was going to be. . something awesome that I am still determined to make work but can't afford a key piece of it yet. So what I am going to do for my next business venture? I have two goals, one long term and one short term. I'd like to design and create textiles for films. A friend of mine is a filmmaker and I was an Associate Producer of his film Black Bird. And yes, you will see the business name there under Company Credits. He lives in Tennessee and it would be super awesome to work with him at some point. He plans to film in Tennessee as well. So I'm hoping I can offer my services to him in the future and start building a portfolio. That would be super awesome. Short term: My Novel. I've finally created a time line. If anyone cares I made a tab for it. Ha! That's to keep myself in check, of course.
So, my novel. . . It's about. . . . nope! Lips are sealed. You didn't think I was absent the day of writing class where we were instructed not to divulge our ideas, did you? But it's pretty awesome. I know this because when I get ideas that I know will be successful I tend to fill up every spare moment of my day (marathon training) with something so that I can avoid doing this awesome thing because it's so big and so great that it almost scares me. But it's time to put that aside and get this novel written.
My only problem right now is that I have to read a bunch so I can get my mind sharp for writing. The best thing you can do for writing is to read. And I have to read Dystopian Society books and I hate those. buh. But my novel is, in fact, a dystopian society book, even though I hate them. So I need to get in the loop on that genre. And I have the Hunger Games movie to watch tonight while I work, but I just. . meh. . . I don't want anything to do with it! Dystopian Society novels and movies mess with my head! 1984 was the worst. I've only read it once and it was 15 years ago and to this DAY I wonder who's watching me through the tv! And Brave New World? Forget it! I'm still expecting the day when we start rationing drugs to everyone to keep everyone happy and peaceful. And my novel is. going. to. mess. with. your. mind. But in a positive way. It's going to be different from other dystopian novels because it will get you thinking about a positive outcome. See, other dystopian society novels show you where we are headed if we do certain things and make certain choices. But my novel starts in a dysfunctional universe and works itself out of it! It's going to be UH-MAZING. Well, I think so anyway. ha! Not bragging, but I do have a history of awesome ideas that turned out to be total successes! On the other hand I have a history of not awesome choices too. Like that pay day when I went down to the bank to see about getting a loan to buy a B and B. SO glad that didn't end up being my next business venture. Holy cow!
I can't wait to finish up with my work so I can get started on my novel! And I need to finish this marathon stuff and get it out of my system. Ha!
(Someone asked me about my time the other day. I do have an affinity for time management. I'm just very good at it. Always have been. But that's also because I can't sit still, so I get a lot done. So here's how it goes for right now. It's about to change when I officially turn over the business to my lovely ladies. Wake up at 5 and run for two hours. Work until Miriam gets home at 1pm. Piano lesson practice and letters and numbers practice with Miriam until Josh gets home at 2:30. Homework and Piano lesson practice. Then we spend the afternoon doing any of the following: science experiments, playing in the play room, going to the park or we go to the gym on days that I don't go at 5 am. And gymnastics on Thursdays or swim lessons. Baths at 5:30, dinner at 6, bedtimes at 6:45when my husband comes home from work. Then I work from 7pm to 10 pm or whenever I am done. but if I get up at 5 I have to finish at 10. And when I take a break from working I blog :) When do my husband and I spend time together? The other day we blew kisses at each other passing in our cars dropping off the kids at their schools. jk. . . Garren works for the company too and helps me in the evenings to assemble mounting blocks, or whatever when he isn't doing the numbers. Occasionally we have lunch together before I get Miriam from school. Weekends are anything goes! Coming up, when I am done with work, I plan to write while the kids are at school. I'm so excited to get started. But a little scared and nervous. My idea has a TON of potential and I hope I can do it justice).
Confirmatin
When I receive the Ensign, a monthly publication from the church that includes uplifting and spiritual messages, I usually start in the back. If I start in the front I miss all the fun little stories and updates in the back. So today, I finally got around to opening it from the front :) The first presidency message was on Service!
Earlier this week I had been wondering if I would qualify for the blessings of peace and finally feel that "conversion" moment where I would be free of anger and not desire to do evil anymore. I wondered if I was on the right track or if I was doing things for the right reasons. When I read this ensign article I became overwhelmed with joy and emotion! I got to this paragraph and knew I was on the right track!
"One of the assurances that you are being purified is an increasing desire to serve others for the Savior. Home teaching and visiting teaching become more of a joy and less of a chore. You find yourself volunteering more often in a local school or helping care for the poor in your community. Even though you may have little money to give to those who have less, you wish you had more so that you could give more (see Mosiah 4:24). You find yourself eager to serve your children and to show them how to serve others."
Oh the joy I felt at this message! Not only am I on the right track but I am moving forward! I feel good sometimes and feel like I'm on the right track, but I wonder if I am moving, making progress. And after reading this I truly feel like I am leaping forward to that moment that I so desire. As I wrote my post earlier this week and mid post received the inspiration to perform a service for someone, I had no clue what it really meant. I thought Heavenly Father was just blessing me with a distraction. But now I realize that it is a significant event in my healing. And then yesterday when I was finally prompted with a way to make Mother's For Service work! I know that was yet another significant event! I made have been seeking a way to think of something else than my anxiety, but I did it prayerfully and alongside the Lord. And I think Heavenly Father knew and understood this and felt that I was ready to have another significant event to move forward toward my true conversion goal.
I am so grateful for this. As I am working on some things for the business right now I have some conference talks on about charity. And I have heard this several times: "Love shared is love multiplied." We are counseled to share the love of God when we have felt it in our own lives as a way of expressing gratitude. And I truly have felt his love as I continue to grow and improve.
I am in awe that He knows who I am. I am in awe that He can pay attention to our miniscule problems as though we are the only person he has to listen to. What love! Can you even imagine such love?
Earlier this week I had been wondering if I would qualify for the blessings of peace and finally feel that "conversion" moment where I would be free of anger and not desire to do evil anymore. I wondered if I was on the right track or if I was doing things for the right reasons. When I read this ensign article I became overwhelmed with joy and emotion! I got to this paragraph and knew I was on the right track!
"One of the assurances that you are being purified is an increasing desire to serve others for the Savior. Home teaching and visiting teaching become more of a joy and less of a chore. You find yourself volunteering more often in a local school or helping care for the poor in your community. Even though you may have little money to give to those who have less, you wish you had more so that you could give more (see Mosiah 4:24). You find yourself eager to serve your children and to show them how to serve others."
Oh the joy I felt at this message! Not only am I on the right track but I am moving forward! I feel good sometimes and feel like I'm on the right track, but I wonder if I am moving, making progress. And after reading this I truly feel like I am leaping forward to that moment that I so desire. As I wrote my post earlier this week and mid post received the inspiration to perform a service for someone, I had no clue what it really meant. I thought Heavenly Father was just blessing me with a distraction. But now I realize that it is a significant event in my healing. And then yesterday when I was finally prompted with a way to make Mother's For Service work! I know that was yet another significant event! I made have been seeking a way to think of something else than my anxiety, but I did it prayerfully and alongside the Lord. And I think Heavenly Father knew and understood this and felt that I was ready to have another significant event to move forward toward my true conversion goal.
I am so grateful for this. As I am working on some things for the business right now I have some conference talks on about charity. And I have heard this several times: "Love shared is love multiplied." We are counseled to share the love of God when we have felt it in our own lives as a way of expressing gratitude. And I truly have felt his love as I continue to grow and improve.
I am in awe that He knows who I am. I am in awe that He can pay attention to our miniscule problems as though we are the only person he has to listen to. What love! Can you even imagine such love?
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Blog update!
I made lots of changes and updates to the blog because I've recently discovered that I have readers and followers. :) I didn't realize I did. I thought I was talking to myself. Which was fine. I mostly only used this blog to help me say things out loud so I could heal and change and grow. I also wanted to record life changing experiences and events. Not necessarily for people to read. But since people do read, I've added some tabs for you to get some back story if you feel lost and to learn more about me and why my family and faith is so important to me.
I will try to be conscious of the fact that people do read this, but the reality of this blog is that I use it to try to improve myself and my life. And sometimes I fail miserably. And that isn't always fun to read. I'm also not always happy. I'm not always fun. And this isn't a family blog. I'm not always pleasant and I've been told I'm very direct. :) While these are things that come through in my writing, what I do strive for and aim for is positivity, improvement, love, generosity, improvement and the like.
I am trying to be the best person I can be, but I am also trying to deal and heal from experiences I have been through recently. You can check out the Melissa's Story tab for details on that if you'd like to be updated and brought up to speed on that because I refer to it a lot on the blog as I am still dealing with it and healing and growing from it.
If I do have readers, I hope to inspire. But I didn't even know I had readers, so welcome! But I hope someone will read this and see how I came out of a situation of betrayal and let it be the best things that happened to my spiritual life instead of letting it break me.
Happy reading.
I will try to be conscious of the fact that people do read this, but the reality of this blog is that I use it to try to improve myself and my life. And sometimes I fail miserably. And that isn't always fun to read. I'm also not always happy. I'm not always fun. And this isn't a family blog. I'm not always pleasant and I've been told I'm very direct. :) While these are things that come through in my writing, what I do strive for and aim for is positivity, improvement, love, generosity, improvement and the like.
I am trying to be the best person I can be, but I am also trying to deal and heal from experiences I have been through recently. You can check out the Melissa's Story tab for details on that if you'd like to be updated and brought up to speed on that because I refer to it a lot on the blog as I am still dealing with it and healing and growing from it.
If I do have readers, I hope to inspire. But I didn't even know I had readers, so welcome! But I hope someone will read this and see how I came out of a situation of betrayal and let it be the best things that happened to my spiritual life instead of letting it break me.
Happy reading.
This blog is about making my own path through the guidance of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
The flu!
The flu has struck our house! Everyone is sick but me. I hope I don't get it. I am hoping my "extreme" marathon training has substantially improved my immune system. Plus, I kind of think my doTerra stuff is helping. I thought it would be interesting to try out, but I think it has made all the difference!
Well, I have added another thing to my plate. I know I have way too much going on right now to add another thing, but I think this will be good on so many levels. As a visit with my husband's sisters continues to get closer and more real, I have been having a great deal of anxiety. And when I felt inspire to serve as a way to combat that anxiety, I realized that service is something that needs to be a part of my regular life if I am going to be able to truly qualify for those that "conversion" I have been diligently seeking.
Allow me to clarify. I love my sisters in law very much. Each of them. I am at peace in my heart with each of them and long to have a good and healthy relationship with them. I am very much looking forward to this visit so we can start building a relationship on good face to face experiences since we haven't even seen each other since the incident happened. Through the love of Christ I have been able to heal and feel love for them again. I pray for them and pray for their health, safety and peace daily. I think of them often and think of good memories we have together. But everyone now and again a bad memory slips in and this is where I am currently struggling.
I said some really terrible things to and about them. I regret them and have apologized profusely. I continue to try to make things right by reaching out to connect in various ways, I continue to make them a part of my life by remembering their birthdays, etc. I try to live as thought nothing happened. But it did happen. They can choose to not be hurt by what I said, but they acted. And I continue to have to deal with their actions every day. They can choose to ignore me and forget or not be hurt by what I said, but I couldn't choose to ignore their actions. I had to fix their mistakes. I had to complete their orders. I had to find help to complete their orders. I had work on Christmas and Thanksgiving to complete their orders. This was something I couldn't escape. I couldn't turn of f the computer, ignore an email, ignore a text message. I had to do it all for them. And the fact that they never reached out to me to accept responsibility for their poor behavior while I still to this continue to apologize and make things right has made it very clear to me that they don't care about me at all. They ignore my attempts and continue to hurt me by their inactions. And they continued to act by making their own custom window treatments business which I found years after the fact on Linkedin. So I continue to suffer daily as a result of their actions while they can just go on with their lives choosing not to be hurt by what I said. (The way it came about, I think, is what hurts the most. I was thinking one night, how can innocently remind her that I am here and that I love her and care about her? I had learned of a new sewing venture she had undertaken and I did a search for her on LinkedIn so I could "endorse" her sewing skills as just a quiet reminder that I do love and care about her and think of her often. And then her window treatments business came it. I can't even describe to you what it felt like. I couldn't breathe. All the time I had spent to see and love her for the person she was felt completely undone because when I saw that I thought, "No human being could do this to another." and I felt like I couldn't see her as a human being anymore because she felt like a monster to me. But, again, in the strength of the Lord I came to quickly forgive as I did see her as a person. I did see that she was a flawed human being that clearly didn't understand what she was doing to me or selfishly didn't think about what something like that would do to me. And I did eventually grow to love her again as I had before). But as far as I am concerned, I will continue to love them, continue to pray for them and (here is where I am struggling) continue to make an attempt to reconnect in a healthy way.
So, here is why I am struggling with this. We are going to be visiting together next month. And I so badly want my kids to have a relationship with their cousins. And I am so looking forward to building on healthy experiences with my husband's sister. I have imagine us having a great time together. But here is my concern: Because of the inactions, and because of the nonattempts to rectify how they hurt me, and (coming back to the present) not acknowledging my attempt to connect has made it quite plain that they don't care about me. And that's fine. they don't have to care about me. But what I am wondering is should I leave it at that? Should I leave her alone during our visit because she doesn't have a desire to have a relationship with me? Or should I continue and be unwavering in my efforts to rectify this relationship and try to have good experiences with her that we can build on from there? I'm inclined to the latter only because I would do that no matter what. I would do whatever it takes to not have anyone have hurt feelings because of me, and to have a good relationship with her would just be amazing to me. But to have a relationship is a two way street and if she doesn't care about me, should I just leave her alone? It was clear with her rival window treatments business that she cares very little about my feelings. But I care about her. And I care about her family and her feelings and her life. So would it more caring of me to leave her alone and stop trying to develop a relationship that she doesn't want or doesn't care about? Or would it be better to continue trying and show her that there is something beneficial and healthy here? While my attempts are completely unselfish and have a desirable result where the family is concerned, is it more unselfish to just leave it since she clearly isn't in that frame of mind?
This is where the anxiety is. I am thinking of the visit wondering do I make an attempt to do things together with our kids? or do I just let our kids play together and I leave and go somewhere by myself to avoid making her feel obligated to have "moments" with me to build on? Then I ask the question, am I doing this so I can feel better? See, if I had good healthy moments to build on, I feel like I would have new memories to replace the old negative ones with that creep into my mind. So I am asking myself, is it selfish of me to desire these moments so that I can feel better? Is the truly unselfish thing to just live in my pain silently and leave her alone? Of course feeling better about the past is definitely a reason for desiring this visit with her. But I want to be sure that that isn't the only reason. Because then my desire for healthy interaction would quickly become unhealthy once the prior incident was rectified.
I don't know. I'm just haunted by the memories. When I go to my workroom, I am flooded with memories of the late nights spent suffering through the consequences of their choices and actions. But the thing that hurts the worst is when I am flooded with the good memories we had working together and how they threw that all away on a misunderstanding. The pain can be overwhelming sometimes.
Again, to be clear, I am quite at peace with them in my heart. And I truly love them. I care for them very much and wish I could be a part of their lives. But I am still haunted by memories. And I continue in learning how to deal with those memories and those feelings that creep in. But I truly believe as I work toward this "conversion" I so seek, just as Enos had his conversion, I do believe that I will be able to forget those memories and feelings and they will be as foreign to me as though they never happened. I have faith that that is the Lord's desire for me. And the other day he gave me the means whereby I might accomplish this: Service. So I have decided to try Mothers For Service again!
About six years ago, I started a group called mothers for service. We had two groups, group A and Group B. Group A would go serve while group B would watch this kids. We were to do this twice a month alternating group a and group b. This proved overwhelming. Even though we had all the group B moms there with group a and group b kids, there were just too many kids in one space. So I think we're going to try this again and have partners instead. We'll still have group a and group b, but one member of the partnership (partnership are based on location) will be partner A and one will be partner b. Then all the as will meet at the service location while all the bs watch the kids. So, in my case, I live down the street from another mom I know would be up for this and she has two kids. So I would only have a total of four kids in my house which is totally manageable. So we'll all team up and decide who will be a and who will be b. And then we will pick a day that works for "Feeding America" and make that our service day!
I think this will be an amazing thing and be the beginning of my "conversion" event as I close this chapter of my life and let that event be in the past. I think this will be what I need to forget the memories and feelings I had and be completely healthy! Then my relationship with my husband's sisters can be completely healthy. If they want it, that is.
As I wrote all that out, I kind of felt more inclined toward the first option: just leave her alone. I think as long as she cares so little for me, I can't work toward building a healthy relationship since I'm the only that wants it. I'll just be there and be available, but I think I should just do my own thing. That makes me very sad, but I feel that is the answer to my prayer concerning the visit. I'll continue to pray for and seek opportunities to have a healthy relationship with her, but I'll leave it up to her. It makes me sad because I then think of things like Home Remedy Designs and how am reminded how little she cares for me. And I think it will never happen. And that makes me so sad. But I think I have done all I can do. I have apologize profusely, always been the first to reach out with an email, always sought opportunities to show her I cared. I think for it to turn into a relationship I have to let her do something. It feels hopeless. But I think that is the answer to my prayer.
To be fair, she did send me the first email once. She asked me if she could make a skirt for Miriam. She never did. But she did make the attempt! She did write the first email! So I will hold on to that and hope that maybe somewhere in there she does care! I'll continue to hope, but I truly feel now that I just need to leave her alone. :*( I guess it's a good thing I'm running a marathon that weekend. Maybe I'll just spend the day before the marathon stretching and doing tempos. Then I won't ruin her visit with her brother. I'll just let it go. :( I think that's the most unselfish thing I could in this situation, and that is what I want to be. So even though it hurts me and makes me sad, I think that's what's best. I can't make her care. I can't make her see how much she hurt me. I can't make her do anything. So I will just leave her alone. :(
Well, I have added another thing to my plate. I know I have way too much going on right now to add another thing, but I think this will be good on so many levels. As a visit with my husband's sisters continues to get closer and more real, I have been having a great deal of anxiety. And when I felt inspire to serve as a way to combat that anxiety, I realized that service is something that needs to be a part of my regular life if I am going to be able to truly qualify for those that "conversion" I have been diligently seeking.
Allow me to clarify. I love my sisters in law very much. Each of them. I am at peace in my heart with each of them and long to have a good and healthy relationship with them. I am very much looking forward to this visit so we can start building a relationship on good face to face experiences since we haven't even seen each other since the incident happened. Through the love of Christ I have been able to heal and feel love for them again. I pray for them and pray for their health, safety and peace daily. I think of them often and think of good memories we have together. But everyone now and again a bad memory slips in and this is where I am currently struggling.
I said some really terrible things to and about them. I regret them and have apologized profusely. I continue to try to make things right by reaching out to connect in various ways, I continue to make them a part of my life by remembering their birthdays, etc. I try to live as thought nothing happened. But it did happen. They can choose to not be hurt by what I said, but they acted. And I continue to have to deal with their actions every day. They can choose to ignore me and forget or not be hurt by what I said, but I couldn't choose to ignore their actions. I had to fix their mistakes. I had to complete their orders. I had to find help to complete their orders. I had work on Christmas and Thanksgiving to complete their orders. This was something I couldn't escape. I couldn't turn of f the computer, ignore an email, ignore a text message. I had to do it all for them. And the fact that they never reached out to me to accept responsibility for their poor behavior while I still to this continue to apologize and make things right has made it very clear to me that they don't care about me at all. They ignore my attempts and continue to hurt me by their inactions. And they continued to act by making their own custom window treatments business which I found years after the fact on Linkedin. So I continue to suffer daily as a result of their actions while they can just go on with their lives choosing not to be hurt by what I said. (The way it came about, I think, is what hurts the most. I was thinking one night, how can innocently remind her that I am here and that I love her and care about her? I had learned of a new sewing venture she had undertaken and I did a search for her on LinkedIn so I could "endorse" her sewing skills as just a quiet reminder that I do love and care about her and think of her often. And then her window treatments business came it. I can't even describe to you what it felt like. I couldn't breathe. All the time I had spent to see and love her for the person she was felt completely undone because when I saw that I thought, "No human being could do this to another." and I felt like I couldn't see her as a human being anymore because she felt like a monster to me. But, again, in the strength of the Lord I came to quickly forgive as I did see her as a person. I did see that she was a flawed human being that clearly didn't understand what she was doing to me or selfishly didn't think about what something like that would do to me. And I did eventually grow to love her again as I had before). But as far as I am concerned, I will continue to love them, continue to pray for them and (here is where I am struggling) continue to make an attempt to reconnect in a healthy way.
So, here is why I am struggling with this. We are going to be visiting together next month. And I so badly want my kids to have a relationship with their cousins. And I am so looking forward to building on healthy experiences with my husband's sister. I have imagine us having a great time together. But here is my concern: Because of the inactions, and because of the nonattempts to rectify how they hurt me, and (coming back to the present) not acknowledging my attempt to connect has made it quite plain that they don't care about me. And that's fine. they don't have to care about me. But what I am wondering is should I leave it at that? Should I leave her alone during our visit because she doesn't have a desire to have a relationship with me? Or should I continue and be unwavering in my efforts to rectify this relationship and try to have good experiences with her that we can build on from there? I'm inclined to the latter only because I would do that no matter what. I would do whatever it takes to not have anyone have hurt feelings because of me, and to have a good relationship with her would just be amazing to me. But to have a relationship is a two way street and if she doesn't care about me, should I just leave her alone? It was clear with her rival window treatments business that she cares very little about my feelings. But I care about her. And I care about her family and her feelings and her life. So would it more caring of me to leave her alone and stop trying to develop a relationship that she doesn't want or doesn't care about? Or would it be better to continue trying and show her that there is something beneficial and healthy here? While my attempts are completely unselfish and have a desirable result where the family is concerned, is it more unselfish to just leave it since she clearly isn't in that frame of mind?
This is where the anxiety is. I am thinking of the visit wondering do I make an attempt to do things together with our kids? or do I just let our kids play together and I leave and go somewhere by myself to avoid making her feel obligated to have "moments" with me to build on? Then I ask the question, am I doing this so I can feel better? See, if I had good healthy moments to build on, I feel like I would have new memories to replace the old negative ones with that creep into my mind. So I am asking myself, is it selfish of me to desire these moments so that I can feel better? Is the truly unselfish thing to just live in my pain silently and leave her alone? Of course feeling better about the past is definitely a reason for desiring this visit with her. But I want to be sure that that isn't the only reason. Because then my desire for healthy interaction would quickly become unhealthy once the prior incident was rectified.
I don't know. I'm just haunted by the memories. When I go to my workroom, I am flooded with memories of the late nights spent suffering through the consequences of their choices and actions. But the thing that hurts the worst is when I am flooded with the good memories we had working together and how they threw that all away on a misunderstanding. The pain can be overwhelming sometimes.
Again, to be clear, I am quite at peace with them in my heart. And I truly love them. I care for them very much and wish I could be a part of their lives. But I am still haunted by memories. And I continue in learning how to deal with those memories and those feelings that creep in. But I truly believe as I work toward this "conversion" I so seek, just as Enos had his conversion, I do believe that I will be able to forget those memories and feelings and they will be as foreign to me as though they never happened. I have faith that that is the Lord's desire for me. And the other day he gave me the means whereby I might accomplish this: Service. So I have decided to try Mothers For Service again!
About six years ago, I started a group called mothers for service. We had two groups, group A and Group B. Group A would go serve while group B would watch this kids. We were to do this twice a month alternating group a and group b. This proved overwhelming. Even though we had all the group B moms there with group a and group b kids, there were just too many kids in one space. So I think we're going to try this again and have partners instead. We'll still have group a and group b, but one member of the partnership (partnership are based on location) will be partner A and one will be partner b. Then all the as will meet at the service location while all the bs watch the kids. So, in my case, I live down the street from another mom I know would be up for this and she has two kids. So I would only have a total of four kids in my house which is totally manageable. So we'll all team up and decide who will be a and who will be b. And then we will pick a day that works for "Feeding America" and make that our service day!
I think this will be an amazing thing and be the beginning of my "conversion" event as I close this chapter of my life and let that event be in the past. I think this will be what I need to forget the memories and feelings I had and be completely healthy! Then my relationship with my husband's sisters can be completely healthy. If they want it, that is.
As I wrote all that out, I kind of felt more inclined toward the first option: just leave her alone. I think as long as she cares so little for me, I can't work toward building a healthy relationship since I'm the only that wants it. I'll just be there and be available, but I think I should just do my own thing. That makes me very sad, but I feel that is the answer to my prayer concerning the visit. I'll continue to pray for and seek opportunities to have a healthy relationship with her, but I'll leave it up to her. It makes me sad because I then think of things like Home Remedy Designs and how am reminded how little she cares for me. And I think it will never happen. And that makes me so sad. But I think I have done all I can do. I have apologize profusely, always been the first to reach out with an email, always sought opportunities to show her I cared. I think for it to turn into a relationship I have to let her do something. It feels hopeless. But I think that is the answer to my prayer.
To be fair, she did send me the first email once. She asked me if she could make a skirt for Miriam. She never did. But she did make the attempt! She did write the first email! So I will hold on to that and hope that maybe somewhere in there she does care! I'll continue to hope, but I truly feel now that I just need to leave her alone. :*( I guess it's a good thing I'm running a marathon that weekend. Maybe I'll just spend the day before the marathon stretching and doing tempos. Then I won't ruin her visit with her brother. I'll just let it go. :( I think that's the most unselfish thing I could in this situation, and that is what I want to be. So even though it hurts me and makes me sad, I think that's what's best. I can't make her care. I can't make her see how much she hurt me. I can't make her do anything. So I will just leave her alone. :(
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Improving
Yesterday was great. I acted on my prompting. My kids had a snow day from school, so I asked them who they had been thinking about or missing or thinking might need to smile. They mentioned the name of a lady in our ward whose grandson died recently. We made her cupcakes and got her some tulips and took them over to her house in the afternoon. I truly do understand now that we make it so our minds are consumed in serving or thinking of others then we don't have any room left to be bogged down by other personal anxieties. After this experience, I feel like I am a little bit better and that I have improved that much more.
As I improve in my personal and spiritual life I can feel those thoughts that get me down creep in. And they are destructive. They have the potential to do significant damage to myself and to my family. But I am grateful for the inspiration I had that has supplied me with a tool to combat that destructive thoughts. I truly do feel that the Lord wants me to be happy and to not be bothered by things that were in the past and don't matter anymore.
I am scared about whether or not I will be able to combat what will be thrown my way as I continue to improve myself and continue to grow closer to my Savior. But I truly know now that in the strength of the Lord, I can do all things. There is no other way.
As I improve in my personal and spiritual life I can feel those thoughts that get me down creep in. And they are destructive. They have the potential to do significant damage to myself and to my family. But I am grateful for the inspiration I had that has supplied me with a tool to combat that destructive thoughts. I truly do feel that the Lord wants me to be happy and to not be bothered by things that were in the past and don't matter anymore.
I am scared about whether or not I will be able to combat what will be thrown my way as I continue to improve myself and continue to grow closer to my Savior. But I truly know now that in the strength of the Lord, I can do all things. There is no other way.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
You can't be right doing wrong, and you can't be wrong doing right.
I found this on lds.org today after I was researching more info on the book of Enos:
"Conversion is a process, not an event. Conversion comes as a result of righteous efforts to follow the Savior. These efforts include exercising faith in Jesus Christ, repenting of sin, being baptized, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end in faith.
"Conversion is a process, not an event. Conversion comes as a result of righteous efforts to follow the Savior. These efforts include exercising faith in Jesus Christ, repenting of sin, being baptized, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end in faith.
Although conversion is miraculous and life changing, it is a quiet miracle. Angelic visitations and other spectacular occurrences do not bring conversion. Even Alma, who saw an angel, became converted only after he ”fasted and prayed many days“ for a witness of the truth (Alma 5:46). And Paul, who saw the resurrected Savior, taught that ”no man can say that Jesus is the Lord, but by the Holy Ghost“ (1 Corinthians 12:3).
The Book of Mormon provides descriptions of people who are converted to the Lord:
They desire to do good. King Benjamin's people declared, ”The Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually“ (Mosiah 5:2). Alma spoke of people who ”could not look upon sin save it were with abhorrence“ (Alma 13:12)."
I really like it. I feel little things like this happening in my life, but I haven't felt rid of everything in my life to the point where I "have no more disposition to do evil." But as I have been training for my marathon, I have abandoned tv, facebook, chats, etc. I just don't have time for all that stuff anymore. and the other day I did turn on the tv and I found I was very sensitive to what was on there. Including commercials!
I do long for the feeling of no longer having a disposition toward evil, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. While I am at peace in my heart and my mind with my husband's family, everyone once in a while things creep into my mind. I haven't thought of them in days, maybe longer, but today for some reason I am haunted by the question: How can they continue to do nothing? I have done everything in my power to make things right and okay and they did, and continue to do, nothing. How can you just do nothing to try to make things right with someone you hurt? I may have said things, but they can choose to not be hurt by words. They acted, and I have to deal with the consequences of their actions against me. How can you be okay with that? How can you live with yourself knowing you did that to someone? It's like the saying, Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I may have said the words, but they threw the sticks and stones.
I don't know if having these thoughts and feelings disqualifies me for true conversion or if I can still have this and achieve that desire to sin no more even though I am haunted by the actions of my husband's sisters. I keep hoping one day this will happen to me and that it will be the remedy to preventing these thoughts and feelings from creeping in. But I just don't know. I wonder if they'll ever stop haunting me. And if so, do my hurt feelings mean I haven't truly converted to the ways of the Lord? My sincere desire is to become the person Heavenly Father wants me to be and to dedicate my life to his service. But how do I truly accomplish this when I can't control the thoughts in my mind which are sometimes focused on pain? How do I stop thinking about the pain so I can just think about my duties and responsibilities here?
I have no clue what I need or how to proceed, but I do feel little progresses each day. So I guess I'll just keep on keeping on. But I feel like I'm missing something, some key and essential point or tool that I just keep overlooking or passing by that is going to be the healing element in my life.
As I wrote that, I had the thought that I need to lose myself in service because if my mind is thinking about others it can't think about the pain. Inspiration? Perhaps. But I don't think you can go wrong with service. So tomorrow, I'll start planning for that action. My kids have a snow day tomorrow, so perhaps we'll plan something we can do together for someone. We could shovel the neighbors walkways, scrape ice off of cars, make cookies for an elderly couple across the street. . . I think this was inspired and is a good start. I'm so thankful for the gospel in my life. I feel so much better now. In just a matter of minutes.
How amazing that was! I feel like I had my "wrestle." I wrestled with my problems and expressed them out loud and the Lord whispered to me how I was to fix it. Amazing! God is good. I am so thankful. Tomorrow's going to be a good day! (or today, rather. It's 2:41 am. Spine pain keeps me awake late :( ).
You can't be right by doing wrong, and you can't be wrong doing right. Losing myself in service seems like a safe way to heal my mind from this pain. Can't go wrong there! I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost and the Love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for me. I know they desire for to feel and have this conversion as much as I do. And I am grateful they are pointing me in the right direction. Conversion is a process, not a single event. And I am on my way. On my journey. And I will persevere through those creeping painful memories and get passed them till my journey ends and the process of conversion is complete. In the strength of the Lord I can do all things.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Win or loose, we booze!
I have been resting from marathon training this weekend. I have been reading lots of dress patterns trying to decide to make for myself on Easter Sunday and I will be singing a solo in church on that day. I am also making Miriam's Easter dress, as I have every year since she was born. And Joshua was feeling left out, so I got a pattern for a vest and bow tie and will be making out of the same fabric as my dress.
My friend, Renee, will be playing her harp to accompany my solo. We are singing "Beautiful Savior." While practicing, someone at church pointed out to me that they use this song at the beginning of the movie frozen in another language. I have yet to see frozen, so I am unaware. I did youtube it, though. And it is fun. :) The last movie I saw was the Lego movie, which was so fun. I loved it. I think I loved it because I took my kids and they just loved it more than anything! It made it that much better!
I have devoted every minute that I have of my own to marathon training and haven't done Facebook, tv, movies or anything else. So I am a bit behind on popular culture. I only have two hours of my own every day before I start getting into my kids time. Then with the kids, between homework, piano, swim and gymnastics, well. . . to put it simply, I think I've overbooked us for the spring. Definitely not signing them up for ANYTHING this summer. Except piano. That's an ongoing thing. And both kids are taking to it surprisingly well. So I feel obligated to keep it up and not waste that precious time I have with them while they are still interested.
So, I've mostly been resting this weekend, trying to keep my movements minimal. And I can't stand it! I am a very busy person. I always have something going on. I thrive on chaos! In high school, I used to crochet under my desk because I couldn't focus on what the teacher was talking about if my hands weren't occupied at the same time. So rest and I have reacquainted ourselves this weekend and have come to the conclusion that we don't particularly care for each other. Sure, a hot bath with doterra essential oils and salts is nice, but in all honesty, I'd rather be running up a hill! I feel more accomplished after that than after a hot bath. ;)
Part of the reason I don't like sitting still is because my mind is always on hyper drive. It's an OCD thing. So if I don't have something forcing my mind to think about, like running or working with my hands, then my mind goes to not so good places. Today it went to grandma Ida. I confess, I still have her number in my phone and have dialed it once since she passed just to see what would happen. My mom and aunts didn't do a funeral for gram. Her life was very sad. She was never a happy person. She made choices and did things she had to live with for the rest of her life that made her sad. And her life with my grandpa was very sad. He was a diabetic and often had insulin fits. He fought in WWII and never talked to anyone about it. He would wake up at night screaming and not tell anyone why. Just a lot of sadness. I haven't experienced anything traumatic like that, but I do feel like a sad person, in general. Just because, for whatever reason, my mind always goes to sad places when I am not occupied or consumed in something else. Gram was pretty much always sad, but still went on, sort of a thing. I never knew she was sad until I experienced things in my life as an adult that made me sad and then I could recognize it in her. So she went on with her life and lived it the way she wanted, but I can see now the sadness she lived with in her heart and her mind. She always had this attitude about her that she was going to have a good time anyway.
She had renal failure the week my sister got married. She came home from the hospital a few hours into the wedding reception. haha! The reception was at her house. So I got out of my bridesmaid dress and into some shorts and a shirt and sat with her in her living room. We listed to the reception music and "Roll out the barrel" came on. She said, "Hey! That's my song!" She was so weak and could hardly move. Hardly talk. She was on so many drugs. She told me about she and Harold and how they made a "mistake." She cried. I could tell she was disappointed in herself. But then she said, "Well, win or lose, we booze!" And that was kind of her attitude on life. You make a mistake, feel bad about it for a second, then move on! Learn from it, then move on. Don't let it consume you to the point that you aren't a functional human being. And be happy! She always went on in spite of the pain of her choices or actions of others against her. The next day always came. And she faced it with a smile.
I find such joy and happiness knowing that tomorrow isn't written yet. What can I do tomorrow that will make me better than today? What will I do to teach, learn, inspire, improve? I may not teach, learn, inspire, or improve on anything tomorrow. I could lose. But I won't let that affect the next unwritten day. Win or lose, I'll. . . not booze, but find joy in the fact that the next day is unwritten. And while I may lose, I can try to win the next day. And that makes me excited. Even for a Monday!
My friend, Renee, will be playing her harp to accompany my solo. We are singing "Beautiful Savior." While practicing, someone at church pointed out to me that they use this song at the beginning of the movie frozen in another language. I have yet to see frozen, so I am unaware. I did youtube it, though. And it is fun. :) The last movie I saw was the Lego movie, which was so fun. I loved it. I think I loved it because I took my kids and they just loved it more than anything! It made it that much better!
I have devoted every minute that I have of my own to marathon training and haven't done Facebook, tv, movies or anything else. So I am a bit behind on popular culture. I only have two hours of my own every day before I start getting into my kids time. Then with the kids, between homework, piano, swim and gymnastics, well. . . to put it simply, I think I've overbooked us for the spring. Definitely not signing them up for ANYTHING this summer. Except piano. That's an ongoing thing. And both kids are taking to it surprisingly well. So I feel obligated to keep it up and not waste that precious time I have with them while they are still interested.
So, I've mostly been resting this weekend, trying to keep my movements minimal. And I can't stand it! I am a very busy person. I always have something going on. I thrive on chaos! In high school, I used to crochet under my desk because I couldn't focus on what the teacher was talking about if my hands weren't occupied at the same time. So rest and I have reacquainted ourselves this weekend and have come to the conclusion that we don't particularly care for each other. Sure, a hot bath with doterra essential oils and salts is nice, but in all honesty, I'd rather be running up a hill! I feel more accomplished after that than after a hot bath. ;)
Part of the reason I don't like sitting still is because my mind is always on hyper drive. It's an OCD thing. So if I don't have something forcing my mind to think about, like running or working with my hands, then my mind goes to not so good places. Today it went to grandma Ida. I confess, I still have her number in my phone and have dialed it once since she passed just to see what would happen. My mom and aunts didn't do a funeral for gram. Her life was very sad. She was never a happy person. She made choices and did things she had to live with for the rest of her life that made her sad. And her life with my grandpa was very sad. He was a diabetic and often had insulin fits. He fought in WWII and never talked to anyone about it. He would wake up at night screaming and not tell anyone why. Just a lot of sadness. I haven't experienced anything traumatic like that, but I do feel like a sad person, in general. Just because, for whatever reason, my mind always goes to sad places when I am not occupied or consumed in something else. Gram was pretty much always sad, but still went on, sort of a thing. I never knew she was sad until I experienced things in my life as an adult that made me sad and then I could recognize it in her. So she went on with her life and lived it the way she wanted, but I can see now the sadness she lived with in her heart and her mind. She always had this attitude about her that she was going to have a good time anyway.
She had renal failure the week my sister got married. She came home from the hospital a few hours into the wedding reception. haha! The reception was at her house. So I got out of my bridesmaid dress and into some shorts and a shirt and sat with her in her living room. We listed to the reception music and "Roll out the barrel" came on. She said, "Hey! That's my song!" She was so weak and could hardly move. Hardly talk. She was on so many drugs. She told me about she and Harold and how they made a "mistake." She cried. I could tell she was disappointed in herself. But then she said, "Well, win or lose, we booze!" And that was kind of her attitude on life. You make a mistake, feel bad about it for a second, then move on! Learn from it, then move on. Don't let it consume you to the point that you aren't a functional human being. And be happy! She always went on in spite of the pain of her choices or actions of others against her. The next day always came. And she faced it with a smile.
I find such joy and happiness knowing that tomorrow isn't written yet. What can I do tomorrow that will make me better than today? What will I do to teach, learn, inspire, improve? I may not teach, learn, inspire, or improve on anything tomorrow. I could lose. But I won't let that affect the next unwritten day. Win or lose, I'll. . . not booze, but find joy in the fact that the next day is unwritten. And while I may lose, I can try to win the next day. And that makes me excited. Even for a Monday!
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