Closing

I wanted to give myself a week before I officially considered this chapter of my life closed.

It has been a great week. I feel like I have rediscovered myself. It was especially apparent to me on maybe Monday or Tuesday. I started to see everyday things a little differently. I walked upstairs from my basement, which I do several times a day, but this time I looked around my house and started to feel a little pride. I wanted to keep in nice and do some work on my house and felt pride as a home owner. On another occasion I felt the urge to go hiking! I finally felt like a human being! I hadn't felt a desire to go out hiking or camping in a long time.

When you feel hatred toward someone it consumes you. If you have hate inside of you there is no room for anything else.

I felt hate toward my husband's two sisters because I felt that if his family didn't love me then he couldn't possibly. I wrote about this a little in my last post. When I had written about it I hadn't yet talked about my feelings with Garren. So I went to him and explained how I felt. He got huge eyes and said that was absurd. And I explained that I felt for a long time that he was on their side purely because they were his sisters. And he said to me that anyone who has every heard my story knows that they are the ones that were wrong. He explained the only thing they have against me is that I said stuff on FB. Anything I said to them did not justify their abominable behavior. And he reminded that Bishop wanted to contact his sister's bishop because she was clearly wrong but that we chose not to go that route because she doesn't posses the intellect to understand that what she did was a horrible thing and she does not and never will possess the brain power to understand the lasting affect her actions had on my family. Knowing that it is physically impossible for her to understand we decided to not inform the bishop. As for the other sister, the same thing applies. She does not possess any sort of brain power to understand the repercussions of her actions and decisions. Furthermore, they act out of spite and behave very childishly. He reminded me how I explained to them that people don't google "Red and Black" and expect to get a crossfit wristband, referring to their new business. People google wristband, find a source, then choose from the options. But they don't listen to anyone who knows what they are talking about. And even when they know the other person is right they behave childishly and do the opposite out of spite. Headed to a fourth failed business venture. Doesn't hurt me not to take the advice! And it was in reminding of that that Garren was able to clear my mind of its doubt. They truly don't know. I have to look at them like little children who don't understand things and you can't punish children for doing something that they didn't understand was wrong. And since they behave like children and don't have the brain power or intellect of an adult I have to look at the situation as though they are little children.

As for my husband, I have never been more confident. I always felt like he would choose his family over me in a heart beat whether they were right or wrong. And he made it very clear to me that he is with me. He did make it clear that he loves his family very much, but in this case, he was with me and abhors their actions and behavior toward me. I have never felt more confident in my marriage. Even all this time when he would tell me he was with me I just felt like he wasn't really. But now that I can see things more clearly I see that he has been with me the whole time. I feel like the hate made a cloud in my mind and that I can see clearly now that I have omitted it from my life.

And you know what? It's a beautiful world out there. I'm so glad to finally be rid of it. To live again. I can't say it enough. If you have hate in you there will not be any room for anything else.


It has taken me six months to complete this process. But now that I can look back on it I can see why it takes that long. I see that there are steps to this process and that it isn't something that can happen all at once. It is amazing how the Lord works and this experience is further testament that he knows me as an individual and that this process was specially designed for me, what I could tolerate and handle and what I needed to experience to grow and reach my full potential and to use the atonement to fullest extent for the first time in my life. What an amazing journey. I could have decided to dwell further in my hatred for them. But I didn't. That Sunday in November I stood in front of my congregation and announced that I was choosing my family, my Lord, my God. And sometimes I felt like it would be impossible to overcome. But I stuck with it and was determined and I have come to now where I feel like I can finally say that I am done. This chapter of life has been a significant one. In this one chapter of my life I have been at my absolute worst and at my best. I hope to only become better each day and with each new chapter.

But for now, I am done and I close this section of my life. I am putting it behind me. And for once I can truthfully say that I am grateful it happened. I think I am a better person than I have ever been in my life and I know it's because of the atonement of Jesus Christ. There is no other means on earth by which we can be made whole for the things we do to other people and the abominable wrong s they commit against us.

I have had a lot of great experiences this week. I am finally getting the connections in my head that I have been wanting for so long. I think I am in the final phase of my "recovery."

I felt really good after having my experience with the atonement. I really felt like I could never feel sad about my husband's family again. But there were a few nights last week when I was just overcome wondering why I am the target for his sister that used to work for me.

Garren hates it when I talk to him about his family. Something happened last week, and it really wasn't a big deal, but it bothered me a tiny bit. He noticed and asked me what was up. But since he just shuts down when I bring up his family all I did was hand him my phone with this condescending email. He read it and said, "When stupid people open their mouths they regurgitate crap." And I think this made the ultimate connection that I needed. I definitely wasn't expecting it and never thought this would have been the problem. But this whole time it's been about Garren.

I kept wondering why these two people were having such a profound effect on my life. Especially because they don't add anything to my life, nor have they ever. They've never had any significance in my life. So finally in the middle of the night last week I was pinning some roman shades and just stopped, sat down on the stool at my work table, put my head in my hands and I prayed, "Why is this happening to me? Why are these two people having this dramatic of an effect on my life?" And I finally got my answer.

I have always felt that I have been second to Garren's family with him. I have always felt that he would choose them in a heart beat over me. The answer and connection I got to my prayer is that I have been trying so hard to win their love so that Garren would love me like he loves them and choose me first. I didn't even realize I was insecure about this. But last week when he made that comment after seeing his sister's condescending email I realized that he had picked me. Had he picked her he would have said, "Maybe she's having a bad day." But he didn't. He recognized without me even having to say anything that her email to me was intended to be condescending.

It got me thinking about the whole situation with his two sisters and how all this time he did pick me and he's been trying to tell me that, but I just kept convincing myself that he was on their side. But then I remembered the conversations we would have on those late nights when he would help with their work that they didn't do. I remembered how he told me exactly what he thought of them. How they were childish, unreliable, immature and just incapable of handling stressful situation like adults. I remembered all the things he had said to me that manifested the fact that he had picked me and he was supporting me and on my side.

I did it again last week. I went back hoping to win the friendship and love of one of his sisters. And I wondered, why am I setting myself up for this? She's ungrateful and only inflicts pain on my life. She has no other significance. And after talking about this with Garren he knows that they hurt me and explained that some people are hateful for no reason. And that I just shouldn't help her in anyway anymore even if I have the best of intentions and truly just want to help. They don't deserve it.

I talked to Garren a bit today and it was as if I was seeing things for the first time. I truly feel that he loves me and supports me. And he knows that while I did things and said things I am not proud of that I apologized and did what it takes to make it right. And he acknowledges that they have done nothing. And that they are lazy and will never do what it takes to make it right with me because they don't possess the maturity to do so.

He loves his family very much and I think part of me will always worry that when push comes to shove that he will pick them. But I feel a lot better today after seeing things in a new light. I see that he knows that when things get bad I'm the one that steps up to make it right. I'm the one that forgives. I'm the one that does all the work and does my darndest to what President Monson says, "We must develop the capacity to see men not as they are at present but as they may become." And they hold on to things forever and never make it right.

They did wrong by me, and have yet to fix it. But I don't need that anymore because I have my husband to back me up and support me and choose me.

I have wanted to move out to Arizona for so long now because I felt like I didn't have his support. I wanted to be in Arizona where i had my families support. But now I have finally realized that I do have his support. I have his love. And I don't need anything else! Today he told me he had a talk with his boss and it looked like it would be a long time before we'd get to move. Normally when he tells me that I burst into tears. And for the first time every in our marriage I didn't care. Because I am happy here, finally. I am happy and content with my life because I know now that I Have my husband's support. I know that he will pick me every time. And I know this because I am a good person. I will always do the right thing. And if I don't the first time I ackowledge that and make it up to the person. I have a huge heart and care for and love everyone. And that is why my husband will always choose me. Because I am the bigger person. I strive to do what it is right and do whatever it takes until it is made right.

I had no idea that all this time I was trying to make the wrong connection in my head. It used to give me migraines thinking so hard about it. I had no idea it had anything to do with my relationship with my husband. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father helped me to come to this realization. He helped me to realize why I kept going back to people who have done nothing but hurt me from day one. People that do things like leave me stranded in San Francisco. People that steal from me. People that can't be counted on and are unreliable and do white trash crap like throw eachother's stuff on other people's lawns. Or the way they call everyone in their family crying about everything instead of dealing with their own problems. Why would I keep going back there to that person who behaves so poorly and only in self interest? He helped me to make sense of all of that because it didn't make sense. Why would I Do that to myself? He helped me realize that it's because I was uselessly worrying that if my husband's family didn't like me that he wouldn't like me.

Nothing could be further from the truth. And I see that now. I am so grateful for these little revelations and for the timely manner in which they come. I think this "recovery" process needed to take these 5-6 months. If it had all happened at once it wouldn't have been the same. It testifies to me that Heavenly Father knows who I am as in individual and knows what I need to experience and feel to learn the most from my experiences. What a great blessing it has been to know where I can turn for peace and strength in my life.

I can finally live my life and be content without having to worry about my husband not liking me if his family doesn't. And finally I don't have to waste anymore of my life on those two that have only inflicted pain and misery on me. It's done. I truly feel that realizing that my husband picked me was the final chapter of this long long saga. And likewise realizing how much I love him.

I'm having a very hard time. I am struggling with depression and I don't want to go back on Cymbalta. I hated the Cymbalta, but I just can't handle life. I am always alone. I have no one to turn to. I try calling my mom and she is way too busy with my sister and her divorce to even talk to me. I am all alone all the time. And it's times like these that I regret even leaving Arizona. What was I thinking?!

I am just so sad all the time. I try to stay busy with work and my kids to distract me, but nothing can seem to overcome the sadness. I know we are never truly alone because Christ knows how we feel, but I can't help but think to myself that Christ doesn't change diapers, make dinner, clean the bathrooms, do the homework. I am overwhelmed and it is depressing me out of my mind!

I have been listening to a lot of hymns and conference talks and I was listening to a hymn that said we will not let in the evils that weaken us. I definitely feel weak right now. But what am I supposed to do to get rid of that feeling? It's just an emptiness that is always there. I have no one to tell, no one to turn to, no one to talk to. I'm just all alone all the time.

An honor to bare the illness

I have been struggling more and more with my health. Recently I have been having trouble speaking because of my jaw joints and as of today can hardly eat. I couldn't even open my mouth. I remembered feeding my children as infants when I had to shovel food in their mouths and manipulate the utensil just so to get everything in their mouths.

Miriam's birthday was two days ago and I recalled her difficult pregnancy and how many times I wondered to myself, "How could it get any worse?" I remembered wondering how someone could possibly be in so much pain and still be alive.

My mother in law has recently been given a trial of health and she told me she doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't want to even acknowledge that it is there. And I kind of started to feel sad for her. Not because she is ill though. She said she doesn't want anyone feeling bad or losing sleep over her. And I just got sad for her because when I see her in her situation I think to myself that she must be among his choicest daughters living a truly virtuous and true and loyal life to have been chosen by Heavenly Father to bear such an illness.

God does not give loss, pain or grief. We give those things to ourselves after we are given our trials and challenges. And as we read in 1 Corinthians 10:13 we will not be given anything that we cannot handle. Everything that we are given has a way by which we may endure it. This scripture refers specifically to temptations, but I know for a fact that this principle applies to health as well.

In dealing with my EDS, and during my difficult pregnancy, I learned a lot about why we are given health challenges. People had to come into my home and see my dirty house. People did dishes that had been sitting for days, cleaned toilets that hadn't been touched in weeks. At first I had never felt so emberrassed in all my life! But it humbled me. I realized through that experience that I am human and am subject to all the trials that all human beings are. And in talking with some of the women that helped me I also learned that when we are sick or in need we must reach out and provide opportunities for others to serve. If no one was every sick or in need there would never be opportunities to serve.

It reminds me of why women don't have the Priesthood. If we all had the priesthood there would be no purpose for it. We would all just give ourselves blessings and perform our own ordinances. We wouldn't have to exercise faith, ask for the blessing and then have faith that it will heal (or whatever the blessing may be for). If no one (or everyone) were sick the same thing would happen.

When those who are ill share their struggles and experiences other watch as they experience these trials. And as they get better or get worse those watching can see the hand of God in that person's life. If we try to deal with it alone and struggle inwardly and never seek for help the point of being given the illness would have been futile. If we were meant to go through these things alone then God wouldn't give it to us. There would be no point.

What a choice human being it must be to be given terminal illness. I think what an honor it must be to have been chosen by God to endure such a trial of faith and that he trusts them to be teachers and educators of the process of endurance and the exercising of faith and trust. To have God know that you can go through such a physical trial and have Him know that you will endure to the end is an honor to bear in this earthly life. To know that before we came to earth we knew would we would experience and those who accepted terminal illness with the physical and emotional trials that come with it must have been among His most faithful and trusted followers. What a great blessing to know in your earthly state that you were among those most faithful and trusted. What a choice child of our Heavenly Father.

I can only hope to bear my illness as well and hope to remember each day that it is an honor to have been chosen to bear this and to be a light and an example to others of endurance, faith and appreciation to my Heavenly Father. And knowledge that He knows exactly who I am. And the one on one experiences that my mother in law will experience with her Father in Heaven as she goes throughout her particular health challenge (not necessarily that as described above--terminal, etc) is something I can only hope to experience.

I will try to remember with each pain and trial I experience with my EDS that this is an honor to have been chosen. That Heavenly Father saw it in me that I could endure with faith and be steadfast in my dealings with this only confirms further to me that He knows me by name and as an individual. And what an honor that is. But also, a great responsibility. I have a responsibility in having been given this to exercise faith and ask people to pray and fast and help in my home as I go through my trials.

An honor, but also a responsibility. To find the purpose for having been given this trial and to fulfill that responsibility.

A great calling

As My daughter, Miriam's, third birthday approaches on Tuesday I took some time to record the great trial it was to get that sweet little angel here. Some commented on how strong or amazing I was for enduring that great trial. And my mother commented to them all saying, "Melissa has angels watching over her and has since she was born."

When I was living at home my mother often told me my own birth story, and I never tired of it. It reminded me that I have been held for this time and protected to ensure that I came here. I tried to write the story just now, but I cannot. The events that occurred leading up to my arrival bring overwhelming emotions. Sadness, amazement but most of all a sense of responsibility. I truly was carried into this life by guardian angels and have been throughout the rest of my life until now. And I have not lived up to my responsibilities in having so much focus of preservation on me.

I often wonder why I have been so protected and think about several events in my life when I have been guided by the spirit and subsequently protected my family and even save my mother's life at one point when I was less than ten.

Wondering what my purpose is here and often asking Heavenly Father what He would have me do, I reflected on Jacob 4:7-8; "Nevertheless, the Lord God showeth us our weakness that we may know that it is by his grace, and his great condescensions unto the children of men, that we have power to do these things. Behold, great and marvelous are the works of the Lord. How unsearchable are the depths of the mysteries of him; and it is impossible that man should find out all his ways. And no man knoweth of his ways save it be revealed unto him; wherefore, brethren, despise not the revelations of God."

In reading this scripture I think of my mother telling my birth story saying, "I don't know what prompted the doctor to check for a heart beat one more time." "I don't know who called the hospital and told them we would be coming." And many other "I don't knows."  We will never know here.

And I wonder, now, how I am supposed to carry out my duties being physically unable to much. But I know now that having these physical weaknesses makes my actions more noticable. When I complete something that other people might also complete and not thinking anything of it, I can finish the task and sigh and say, "I did it!" And those small victories remind me constantly that I am capable of doing great things. If I can do that task, perhaps I can do another.

In wondering what my calling here on earth is and reflecting on those verses in Jacob, I know now that I can't wait for things to be revealed to me. I must act and go on living my life entirely by and through the spirit of the Holy Ghost and I will be guided to serve where the Lord needs me and would have me.

I have found it somewhat, but not entirely, difficult in these past few days since having my experience with the atonement to remain completely focussed, but I am finding more and more strength each day. Having new spiritual experiences reminding me to remain focused and reminding me of the great responsibility I have on this earth. I am not here to live by own will and do what I want. I am here to be a servant and to raise up leaders of the church. To bring together the children of Israel. How He thinks I can do this? I have no clue! But I know if each of my actions and each of my words is done with the spirit that I can accomplish this task.

It must be noted that this is a huge undertaking and change for me. A week and a half ago I was a very different person. But having experienced the atonement in its fullness, well, that I cannot ignore or brush off. Although this is a significant life change for myself and I have had to abandon certain things in my life that had become a part of every, I have been able to disregard those things easily and set them aside, some having done every day, and have not even given it thought. And this because of the atoning sacrifice of the Savior Jesus Christ and my experience in accessing it and using it to the full degree for which it was intended.

I have so far in these ten days and will continue to remain faithful in my duties and responsibilities that I have in being protected to this point.