Esther

I had occasion this week in Family Home Evening to teach my children about Esther. Queen Esther faithfully confessed that she was Jewish to the King at the risk of being killed after the King has created a decree that all Jews should be killed. Having been a woman worthy of respect and admiration the King told her that he could never do anything to hurt her. She in turn asked for the lives of her people to be spared. And because of her faith they were spared.

Not only would I like to have this kind of faith, but I want Miriam to as well. And I would like to become the kind of respected woman that if ever faced with situation like Esther, I would be greatly admired and respected enough that I would be able to be heard. So I am going to work on becoming that sort of respectable woman.

When I resolved to do this in my early morning studies today I was immediately reminded of my basic nature. My family is slightly on the goofy and even irreverent side. . . My Grandma Joyce is the greatest lady I've ever known. Very diligent in her study and knowledge of the scriptures, faithful temple worker, etc. But she liked a good joke and story every now and again. We laughed a lot and accepted the fact that we are all human beings. She taught me that I could enjoy my life and enjoy being human while still being a good Mormon. I hope to curb the more irreverent part of my nature which definitely comes from my Grandma Ida, but was loved and accepted by Grandma Joyce ;) I don't want to completely lose my sense of humor, but I hope to have a little more respect for some things that I normally would joke about or find humor in.

So, what are my guidelines for becoming this person? Moroni 7:45

"And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in truth, beareth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." 

And the next part I feel I have a firm grasp on. I have devoted a good portion of my life to being as charitable as I am able to be in whatever capacity I am able to be at the time. This was instilled in me in my youth. My youth leaders took me to a place when I was 13 that was extremely uncomfortable for me. It was a nursing home for handicapped people. We got to take all the residents to a meeting hall for church. We sang them primary songs and had a lesson. I went home from that and wept. It was difficult as I had never had experience with mentally handicapped people before. And after that day I felt the importance of service in these people's lives. I felt like I was conveying the Lord's love to them. And they took us there every year in my youth. I gained a true understanding of the importance of charitable work. But you can't just give. It has to be with the intent of sharing the Lord's love. You are serving on behalf of the Lord.

Then after my years in college where the motto was "Learn that Life is Service" something happened to me. Charitable love and service became such a part of my life that I could see need on people's faces. I could feel their emptiness and have it be made known to me what the need was. I think when I decided to devote my life to service and to become leader by being a servant I was blessed with this ability to see need. And I know I can have that same experience with all the other characteristics listed in Moroni 7:45. I know I can make these things as a part of my life as I have made charity.

Most of all, I think they all go hand in hand. I do not think you can endure all things if you do not have hope, if you do not rejoice in truth, if you are easily provoked, puffed up or have envy, etc. I think all of these things must be present and a part of my life for the others to become a part of my person.

"Charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him." Moroni 7:47

No words

I wish I could verbalize the experiences I have been having this week as I strive to keep the spirit with me in my mind, my heart, in my actions and in my words. All I can say is that it is true, that if we keep ourselves in holy places and if we have a desire to have the Lord with us always He will be there. He will hear your cry and feel your pain. He will feel your pain and humiliation for you. It has truly been an amazing week, and an amazing hour, even. There are just no words.

There is no sin too great, nor ill doing so great that the Savior cannot make up for.

When I felt I was at my cross roads I chose my family, God and Jesus Christ. I still felt lost not knowing where to go or what to do to proceed. But when I finally felt the true meaning of the atonement in my life and felt that understanding and felt that wholeness I knew exactly what I needed to do.

Every time I am face with a bad thought I know exactly what to do. I don't feel like I am walking around in the dark anymore. I feel like I am making decision and not making them alone. And there is no greater peace in my life than that which the Savior can provide.

Normally my negative thoughts come as a result of anxiety. And I have had a great deal of anxiety lately. I have had another health problem come up for which I have to have surgery. Again. And I can't count on my mom to come out here and help me. I have no idea what I am going to do with my kids. I have been pulling all nighters working to get all the orders out so they don't back up during surgery and recovery. I slept about 3 hours today and am headed into another all nighter. But this time I have felt very peaceful in my mind. I normally focus on something that I can direct my anxiety and bad feelings toward and it is usually my former seamstresses. But today, as I wonder who in the heck will pick up my kids from school, I'm just at peace in my mind. Even though one of his sisters did remind me this evening of her presence and her vast intellect. I just feel calm. And happy. And that even if I have to start walking to the bus stop two hours ahead of time just to get there while recovering from surgery, everything will be okay. It will all work out. Somehow. . .

I've never had to recover from a surgery alone before. But I think I can do this. All will be well. I am glad I don't feel like I am walking into a black hole anymore. It's kind of like detoxing. I feel like I don't have those deadly and dangerous and life threatening toxins in me anymore.

I don't know what this would have done to me if I didn't have the knowledge of the atonement in my life. It is absolutely required of us to forgive everyone for everything. The only person that suffers when we do not forgive is our own selves. And I can testify of that truthfulness. It is paralizing.

On a side note, my kidneys are crying again. Oh life. Life is so. . . daily.

To my family

Dear Family,

I have been struggling for a long time. This past week I have thought several times of calling on other for help, for prayers, etc. I have been dealing with a lot of emotional problems that stem from both family and health. On Thursday something else came up health wise and I just wished that I would go to sleep and not wake up because each day that I lie brings on more stress, more problems, etc. I was at a very low point.

Recently, in the past few months, I have also been at my lowest point in my marriage. I have been trying to hold my husband responsible for the actions of his family and also my own actions. Over a year ago two of his sisters kept funds for work they did not do in the amount of $1,440. In addition to cruel and hateful actions for which I retaliated with cruel and hateful remarks. One of his sister's and brother sent me hateful emails accusing me of things I had not done after hearing a very base and one sided story from their siblings. After sending my public apologies his sister went on to accuse me of not being sincere in my apologies which hurt me very badly. And even his mom would text him saying things about me that I couldn't help but think that my own mother would never say anything like that about my brother's wife to my brother. It was all a very horrible thing and terrible thing after which I did things I wasn't proud of. They hurt me and I wanted to hurt them with my words. I have been given a small talent wherein I can invoke a great deal of feeling and emotion and feeling through written word :) I wrote an email to one of his sisters for which I was very proud of at the time. It was very well written and, as I assume from her reaction, accomplished what I had set out to do and that was to invoke hurtful feelings. I have since apologized for my actions and made things right with them. They have not with me, though, and that has sent me in a downward spiral.

This past year I have had a lot of trouble accepting that they will never apologize for their actions. I have had a hard time looking at my husband as every time I do I think, "How can you be related to such horrible people that don't take responsibility for their actions?" And I have been punishing him for that for a year now.

Realizing how wrong I was for doing that I decided I just needed to get over it., move on. But for whatever reason, I just couldn't. I just couldn't let it go until they came to me and accepted responsibility. I did everything I could to move on: pretended it didn't happen, friended them on FB hoping that as time went on I would heal, sent gifts for various occasions, offered services in whatever capacity I was able, etc. And nothing helped.

This past week was rock bottom for me. With rising health concerns, being emotionally unavailable to my kids, hating my husband for absolutely nothing that he did, I realized that my life was unraveling and I was quickly losing control. With the mounting stress of work, housework, my marriage, my children, my health, I was overwhelmed. I laid in my bed and in silence stared at the ceiling and wondered why I couldn't just accept that what happened is a part of my life now and why I couldn't just let it go. Wondering, do I really need to face an eternity with this family who treats people this way? And wondering why I had to be the one suffering. They are over there having a great time with all my money and I am left here with all the hurt and pain. Why do I have to deal with this every day? Why do I have to deal with all these health problems on top of it all? Then it occured to me that God challenges us to see how we will respond. And he sends the greatest challenges to those who he has great plans for.

I spent a year of my life regressing and living in pure hatred. I lived at my own personal rock bottom for a year. I tried to go on faking it, though I know it was obvious some of the time. But realizing that this was a test I decided that if I am destined for great things then I had better get my life into shape.

I used to do really well for a while and then start to regress. I would then write out a plan: this is what I will do to make sure I pray every day. This is what I will do to avoid bad thoughts, etc. Yet, even with a written plan I seemed to falter. But I have had a life changing experience these past few days, the details of which I do not care to share here, as I have turned my life around. Through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ I have been made whole. I have been blessed with great peace that I thought would never be possible as long as I was married into their family. I have been blessed with peace and comfort and have truly been made whole. And it didn't require any of them coming to me and accepting responsibility for hurting me. It took faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ, and a willing heart to trust Him and trust in God's plan for me. And trust that He does have a plan for me!

That plan was made known to me this week. And I can tell you now, as unrealistic in today's world as it may seem, that I don't need to write out a plan. I don't need to have back up "just in case" thoughts to replace my bad feelings with. I have been witness to a great miracle and I am now devoted to a life of serving the Lord through my own life and that of my husband and children. This miracle that I have been witness to will be seen through my own family and be felt by those I come in contact with each day.

I don't need to write out a plan anymore. I know now that I cannot falter. I cannot give in to the bad feelings or the consequences will be disasterous. And to avoid that disaster I will remain steadfast and thinking always of this miracle that I have been blessed to witness.

I know that we can all have this change of heart if we put our trust in the Lord and realize that there is a plan for us here. It is not our responsibility to punish others and we do not need others to make us whole. We can made whole through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ. We do not need anything else. Only through Him are we able to erase everything that has been said to us or done against us. He is the only way. And I know there are times when it seems impossible. I felt that way two weeks ago and even went as far as to hide my Christus statue in a closet because I couldn't handle the guilt every time I looked at it. Turns out that even after hiding Him in a closet, Jesus and Heavenly Father will still know the true desires of your heart and they too desire for you to be happy and whole.

This life is not for us to seek out and find happiness. Happiness comes when we are engaged in the work that God has here for us to do. Our work here is not to go seeking out what makes us feel good and happy. But we can feel that way if we will trust that God will provide us with that blessing if we will just trust in Him.

I love you guys. You all are the most loyal people I've ever known. And I appreciate your love, your forgiveness and your tolerance with me as I am just a human being. I love you all no matter what. Mom, Dad, Cyndie, Neal, Krista, Ashley, Bryant, all of you! I love you very much. Oh and Garren and all the kids too. I love everyone. And I look forward to spending an eternity with you!

M.

My mission in life

As I have been going throughout this journey I have witnessed many miracles. I have made baby steps of progress daily. Somedays regressing. But I never would have guessed that God would hae felt me prepared to accept what has come to me between yesterday and today.

I do not care to share here what has happened to me. All I care to share is that nothing that has ever happened to me before this day is of any consequence to me any more. Why God felt I was prepared or even worthy of this temendous blessing of peace, I cannot say. I don't think I will ever understand in my earthly state why this event has happened to me. But I know that it has happened.

Recently, I have been feeling that I could not reach my spiritual potential until I had quit work so I could devote the time necessary to focusing on spiritual maturation. But it has been made clear to me what I must do. I wish I could express what I feel right now in words, but there are none to suffice.

I know that I will have no trouble making the changes I need to make. But I must take care to remain focussed and unwaivering. If I allow myself to give in to any of the negative thoughts I have had before the consequences will be disasterous. Now that i have had this sort of spiritual awakening and it has been made known to me what I Must do in my life, if I ever degress, even for a short moment, the consequences will not just be a day of depression. The consequences will be disasterous and create a ripple affect in the loves around me and the lives that are not even yet lived.

I must remain focussed, steadfast and unwaivering. I must remain faithful in every breath I take and with eery ounce of my being I must stay focussed. I must take care to never let a day pass thinking, "Some day I'll try" just as a diabetic cannot go with out insulin, an illness without treatment, an infant without food.

Oh, how I hope everyone has an experience like this in their life.

As I live and breathe I can testify to you of the truthfullness of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. God knows me by name and knows who I am. He knew I had to endure this trial in order to have this life changing experience that will ultimately lead me to spiritual maturation. He will never let me suffer more than I am able and will give me the peace I need after the suffering even if there is no explanation as to why I had to endure it. I think it is only by accepting these trials in our life that we can truly reach spiritual maturation. Too long have I tried to ignore bad feelings or change the subject. But I took this particular challenge in my life and saw it through from beginning to end. It would have gone on for the rest of my life had I not chose to experience it with God and Jesus Christ.

The past 15 months have been very focussed on this problem in my life. And because of a miracle from God that no human being is worthy of, least of all myself, I can now live and fulfill the reason for which I am here.

Miracles continue to happen every day. And I am so grateful that God saw fit to make me a part of one. I owe my life to Him and must remain focussed. Focussed on Him, focussed on what He has here for me to do. I cannot waiver even for a moment.

. . . .

There is a woman in my ward who has become a very good friend to me in all this. She has recently been through a divorce and has had trouble with her in laws in the past. She read my letters and reminded me that I don't need them to be made whole. The atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ will do that for me. They will hae to stand before God one day and account for their dishonesty, their lies and their judgments. I have done my part to correct my wrong doings. But they haven't and will have to be held accountable for that. But it is not my job to punish or hold them accountable. It is my job to forgive and love and God will give them the appropriate punishment for their behavior. But if I don't want to be held accountable for my inability to let it go and letting it interfere with my spirituality and my marriage then I need to do everything in my power to simply love them for who they are and stop trying to figure out a way to tell them their wrong and they've hurt me. Because that's not my job.

It has been hard to think of things in this light just as of recent because one of them said they were going to make something for my daughter and I told my daughter about it. She said, "I'm going ot have it in the mail by the end of the week!" And while I'm sure my daughter doesn't even remember I told her about it, it still disappoints me. I know life happens and stuff comes up, but communicate that to me. Don't just diappoint my kid! I should have known based on her inability to keep her commitments to me in the business that she wouldn't in private matters as well. I just keep trying to see the side of her that I think she really is, but the real her just keeps coming out: just as in the business she's unreliable and can't be counted on.

All this diappointment just makes things hard to accept. I think I am just most disappointed in myself. Because I keep going back thinking she will have changed, but it's always the same thing. Eery time I go back she hurts and disappoints. So what exactly is my job here? I know it isn't my responsibility to punish or make the consequences of  her behavior known to her, but what am I supposed to do? Just keep going back to be hurt again? Or even to have my kids be disappointed? What is my rold here? What am I supposed to do? I can't just pretened they don't exist like I was doing before because they do exist. I just don't know what I am supposed to do. One disappointment right after the other.

It's just a freckle

It was never enough to tell myself that this pain just wasn't worth it. It was never enough to tell myself over and over again that it won't be like this forever. Nothing made the hurt go away. The bottom line is that the hurt will never go away so I have to learn how to live with it there.

I think about this sweet missionary boy in our area who was put up for adoption. He was the fifth child and his parents didn't think they could handle that so they put him up for adoption then later went on to have more children that they did not put up for adoption. He must feel so much pain from being one of eight children that they didn't want.

Pain is just a part of life. What I need to do now is to learn to live with it there, but not allow it to be the center of my life.

It's like death. Some people avoid thinking about the death of a loved one because it is too painful. They try to distract themselves or change the subject. But it's supposed to be there, supposed to be a part of our lives. And it isn't supposed to feel good. To know pleasure we must also know pain. Our family service day (Jan 2) is never easy. I usually spend most of the day crying inbetween performing service. But I understand that that is natural and it isn't supposed to feel good. Death is a very sad thing and it's supposed to sad. We're supposed to feel sad. So what I need to do now is to understand that this will always hurt and it is going to have to become a part of my life before I let it run my life.

I think the best way to do this is to just always look forward. Look toward the new possibilities. Just as life still continues after the stinging pain of death, great things can still happen to this family even after the pain of this event.

I gave this some thought after trying to write two more letters to my mother in law and sister in law. But I'm not quite past my anger and bitterness toward them yet so it was counterproductive. Their letters were short and along the lines of, "You're the most judgmental condescending person I've ever met." But no amount of me feeling hurt by their judgments and their condescensions and their lies is going to make them change or even apologize. And most of all, I know I've done the same to them. And I know I wouldn't want them to be angry with me forever. So I just need to accept that that is a part of my life. A mere blemish on the skin of life's complection. A small instance that will remain there, like a scar, but should not and will not dibilitate me.

I have a scar on my upper lip that I see every day of my life. It used to bother me after I first got it, but I don't even think about it anymore. That's what this needs to be. Just a scar. Yes, it did happen, and yes it hurts. And I'll see it all the time. But I don't need to relive every hurtful moment anymore. I just need to continue to be me. And this is a part of me now.

There have been a lot of things helping me to not feel the pain anymore. I have taken these past 5 months to really connect with my old self. I even went as far as just having my maiden name on my Facebook for a while. I just wanted to remember who I am. Since then I have been teaching my children how to draw and paint, sing and play the piano. I have been training for my half marathon in August and 10 K on March 16th! But I think I am most excited about my sisters wedding where I will be singing with my friend from the band Write This Down. I think performing is going to be the best thing to do to reconnect with myself and make me a whole person. Performing was a huge part of life until my second year of marriage when I had to be practical. Theater life wasn't conduscive to family life.

I have so much going for me in my life right now. Way too many good things to let this little blemish get me down. The business is expanding yet again. It has always grown rapidly from the beginning! I owe a big thank you to my dad, who is a very successful small business owner and to my business professor in college, Professor Allessey, who said anyone can own and operate their own business. You just have to sell what people are buying. He was the best. Best semester of my college career. He worked for free at the university because he made so much money off turning tanking businesses around into successful business. The year before I took a class from him he had just savedHewlett Packard. After my semester he said he wouldn't be returning for fall because he had to go save another business, though he couldn't tell us which one yet. I still wonder who it was. He was amazing. He'd say stuff like, "It's only Rocket Science." We continue to grow by leaps and bounds! And it is so fun to do with my family!

I'm ready to take this from being a cancerous tumor on my life to a mere freckle on my skin. I'm ready to live again. Bad memories an all. And with everyone. I am ready to stop hiding from everyone for fear I might have an outburst, or as Wordsworth puts it, "A spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings." I'm done hiding away trying to figure things out. I'm just going to go out and do and figure it out as it comes. Because if I don't go out and do something then all the sitting around planning how I'm going to react in situations will be fruitless since I will not be creating any situations. It's time to take a risk. Risk being hurt yet again. But in the grand scheme of things, it will just be a freckle. And a mere freckle? Well, that's worth a risk.