Wrapping up the blog.

I thought I wanted to continue to use this blog to monitor progress. But, I think in light of recent events I would like to just wrap it up all together. Do take, though, to note that the things written here are not an accurate depiction of my life. They are merely a small moment of each day. And though small the moments were significant. And so I wrote it all out. All the moments of suffering. I did for the same reason anyone else would: no one wants to suffer alone. In short, this blog is mostly a depiction of my life when I am in a funk.

In wrapping things up, I want to acknowledge the tremendous blessing the gospel and love of Jesus Christ has been in my life and throughout this journey. I have been suffering for almost three years now. I have felt abandoned at times. But I have a greater understanding now of the Savior's plan for me and his timeline of events in my life. I have a greater understanding of the fact that healing doesn't occur in time, it occurs in events. And the healing is up to us because it happens when we respond to those events and situations we are placed in. I am grateful that even in my darkest time, I knew somewhere deep within myself that I could not abandon the faith and gospel I knew to be true, even if that meant spending all of church hiding in the mother's lounge. It wasn't easy. In fact, most of the time it was downright painful to sit through church and listen to instruction about thoughts and feelings I couldn't convince my mind and body to have toward the church or my family. But I knew it would be better for me to sit through it and suffer than to abandon it altogether.

There were so many times when I cried out in prayer saying, "I am ready to stop feeling this way! Take this pain away from me!!" And I completely understand why now. When I was feeling pain and anger towards my husband's sisters I had to really think hard about what I could love about them, how I could remain a sister to them in spite of what they did to me. And I did that! I found something redeeming and something to love about both of them. And I realize now how important that step was in my progress because I now see the event for what it was. And if I could see it without feeling guilt for my anger, see it without the sorrow of losing their friendship, see it as I do now there was no way I would have gone to the extent to learn and sway my in the direction of loving them. This is because the bottom line is that their behavior was deplorable and the fact that they have yet to accept responsibility for their actions is even worse. What they did was selfish and horrible and they are selfish and horrible because of those actions and subsequent inaction to accept responsibility. And creating a rival window treatments business? Well, they should be embarrassed. And keeping funds they didn't earn even if it was forgiven. . .  they should be embarrassed. What kind of people are they?! It's horrible and the example they are setting for the children in behaving this way in keeping unearned funds and creating rival window treatments businesses and never accepting responsibility for the pain and suffering they subjected me to is no example at all. I am the first to admit that I wasn't a good example either. But I accepted responsibility and have apologized profusely. They are cold unfeeling people. If I had to find redeeming qualities in their character with just the above in front of my eyes, it would have been impossible. So I understand now why the Lord wanted me to experience regret and guilt for the anger I felt toward them and the words said as a result. I understand why I needed to feel grief as if I had lost a friend in death. It was so that I could find something in them to be able to say with full honesty of heart that I love my sisters in law. They are children of Heavenly Father who have to wade through the sludge of this world just like me. We're on the same road hauling the same load. Above all, I have faith in them. I have faith that one day they will accept responsibility for their actions and make things right. This is why it is important for me to feel that love toward them. One day they will accept responsibility and will be brought to an understanding of the tremendous mental pain and physical pain they put me through. And when that day comes I want to be able to build on a new relationship from that moment of love and forgiveness. That can't happen if I don't already feel love for them as my sisters.

I am so grateful for the peace I have felt as a result of having the responsibility of constantly trying to repair this relationship lifted from me. I am grateful that I can finally say the facts without going into a downward spiral of shame for saying them out loud. I am so grateful I can finally say that what they did was horrible and not spin out of control feeling bad for saying something like that out loud. But it's the truth. It was a heinous crime against me, against their brother and against my .business. I can't tell you what it feels like to finally be able to say that unaccompanied by pain and negative thoughts. I can finally say that it is what it is. And there is nothing else attached to it. I count that a tender mercy from the Lord as the thoughts and feelings that normally accompanied such thoughts were often debilitating, even bad enough that I was hospitalized once for stroke symptoms.

The bottom line is that I am ready to have a friendship again based on pure love and good intentions as there are no residual feelings or thoughts associated with this incident anymore. I hope they will come to their senses quickly and accept responsibility. And if they don't, that's okay too. I love them enough to be able to build from where we are at. It's all. . .  good.

I wanted to wrap up this blog because it has been an attempt at finding someone out there that might feel similarly or understand what I have gone through. I just didn't want to be alone. But I realize now that I have not been alone. I have the company of the Savior, Jesus Christ. And that is all I need. So I am done with the blog for now. I may pick it up here and there to record significant subsequent events. But for now, I feel whole. I've also decided I am done with Facebook. I hadn't been on in weeks with marathon training. I went on the other day and it was just a narcissists play ground! Things just look different when you feel like a whole and complete person.

Good bye for now.

Nothing special, just what I am thinking this evening.

Last night, I was beat after an eight mile run and went to bed early (11 pm ;)). Garren went out to run at 10:30pm. He said he isn't afraid of being raped, sprayed by a skunk or attacked by a porcupine, all things I have used as perfectly valid excuses for not running after dark. He came back and told me FOUR other people were running on the track with him! IN THE DARK! Mostly what I fear in the dark is my lack of coordination and I fear spraining my ankle. But Garren has no fear :) So he showered and crawled into bed waking me up, and said, "Let's face it: if it weren't for you I wouldn't be running." Awww, I love my Garren. He knows I am trying to inspire others with my persistence in running with my disorder.

I am excited he is finally running because I have been trying to get him to be more active so we can all be ready to do this several day long hike in the alps. We need to be physically ready for that. I'm excited because Garren running feels like we're getting one step closer to the Alps! Now if I could just stop making the most delicious chocolate chip cookies on earth,. . .

After my significant break through on Sunday I feel great about everything I am doing right now. I trained a new seamstress today, and the incident with Garren's sisters usually comes up naturally because I have to explain why we have certain things in place now as a result of their actions. But today it just kind of felt okay. I got to where I needed to explain, explained and got through it without feeling angry or sad. It was beautiful! And I'm really looking forward to doing my ten mile run tomorrow now that I have been able to eliminate some of the reason for which I run. I just feel so happy. I already felt like a new person as of some other experiences and changes I made in my life this year, but after Sunday I feel complete, pure and just genuinely happy.

I feel like I want a change of scenery. I kind of want to do something different. I wish I could just sit and focus on one thing, like my novel. But I keep thinking of all these new things I want to try! I've been considering homeschooling my kids. I don't know if I can be that disciplined though. . .  ugh. I'm just so fitful! There's so much this life and world has to offer!! 

I had an extremely significant experience today. Probably the most significant spiritual moment I've ever had.

I can finally close a chapter of my life that I have desperately trying to close for years: the matter of my husband's sisters. I have dedicate much of my time to making things right with them and restoring our relationship to what it was before "the incident." Every few days I would literally pray, ponder and think about what I could do that day to remind them that I am still here and I still care. (This is how it came about that I found his sister had started working for a small business in her area and that day I thought my positive action toward her would be to purchase one of her creations and then endorse her skills on LinkedIn. Which leads me to Home Remedy Designs, a rival window treatments company she had created. Childish and hateful is all that was). I'd send emails, birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and whatever just to let them know I was still there and they were important to me. So much of my life has been devoted to these little careful things in an effort to make things as they were before the "incident."

Tonight, I did my usual. . .  what can I do today to quietly and subtly remind them that I care about having a relationship with them? And I immediately received my answer. It is difficult to explain as it wasn't delivered in words. But if it had been words they would have said, "You have done all you can do and you don't need to continue doing this anymore. What you have done is sufficient in my eyes and I don't require anything further." It was such a relief! I can finally be done!

I have often said that I was moving on without my husband's family in my life. But it always felt like it came from a hateful and angry place. But tonight I was finally able to say that I was going to move on with my life without them being a part of it and it felt peaceful and like Heavenly Father thought that would be okay. I think it has been clear and apparent that they are cold and unreceptive to my attempts and I think Heavenly Father recognized the pain I experienced as a result of both their actions and inactions after repeated, innocent attempts and has finally freed me of any further obligation to make things as they were before. Because they won't do their part.

It was so important to me that we have a good relationship for our kids and especially for Garren's mom. But I finally felt at peace tonight thinking about not having to do that anymore. And tonight it didn't feel important to me at all. I felt nothing at all. I feel nothing for them anymore and it is very peaceful.

I have been waiting for this day for years. I didn't realize or expect that this is how the peace would come. I always thought the peace would come from us finally being able to move on from that incident. Or perhaps an apology on their part and perhaps accepting some responsibility for their poor decisions and their rival business. But that clearly isn't going to happen. So it came in the form of just no longer feeling obligated.

I finally can say I'm never going to speak of them again or have them in my life and it feels like it is okay. I am going to go see this sister in a few weeks and it will be the last time I ever see her in this life. I am not afraid anymore of how the visit will go because I feel nothing for her anymore. I do not feel angry toward her, sorry for her, love for her as a sister,. . . I feel nothing. So anything that could go wrong won't affect me. And if it all goes well and is positive then hopefully that will be something we can build off of. But right now there is nothing. I feel nothing. And it's so nice. Finally. But after this sentence, never again will I speak of them because I don't care. They are nothing to me at this point in time. I don't mean that to sounds negative. But they truly mean nothing to me right now. I'm not sure how else to put that to make it sound the way I feel and not make it sound hurtful, because I don't intend for it to be hurtful. I just mean it plain and simply.

Peace cannot be overstated.

You're Welcome!

Recovering and back at it!

I try to live a healthy lifestyle to avoid getting sick. I don't handle "resting" and sitting still very well. My mind wanders and I become very depressed very quickly. So when I came down with the flu, naturally I was quite afraid of spiraling into a depression. But I was pleasantly surprised! I had all kinds of down time and I was fine!

Last week I had read several scriptures and ensign articles about how you can know if you are headed in the right direction and using the atonement accurately. Forgiveness does not happen in a day. So it is important for those going through the process to recognize the little improvements along the way that let them know they are getting there. Otherwise, it is quite discouraging and feels easier to stay down once you have fallen. I have had several tiny moments this week that have told me I'm headed in the right direction and I am adding this experience with the flu to my list of things.

A long time ago I used to be quite fun and enjoyable to be around. I've grown to be quite grumpy and unhappy in recent years. But these past few weeks I have found myself reconnecting with the wittier part of myself. While I had the flu, I spent a lot of time in bed and on the couch. I found myself crafting jokes and one liners. I couldn't hardly believe it! I haven't done that since well before my kids were born. Don't take that to mean having kids makes you grumpy and unhappy. It's just having kids literally zaps the energy right out of you and kind of go into crisis survival mode Constantly. But lately, as my kids are old enough to make their own sandwiches and poor themselves milk, I have found myself having more fun with them on a different level as I don't feel so in "what's the plan" mode. Having young children, I always felt like I had to have a plan to make everything function properly. But now, I feel like I can lighten up and relax and have fun with my kids as kids and no babies anymore. I'm really enjoying the age they are at.

Anyway, yaddad yadda..  . .  As I am reconnecting with the writer in myself as well I find myself wanting to write more jokes and comedic scenarios. But my novel definitely is not a comedy. I hope to channel that energy somehow because I'm definitely enjoying it! I feel like my old happy self :) It's good! It's a good day! Thank goodness for the flu to give me some down time to reconnect with fun Melissa rather than boring survival mode Melissa.

Wrapping up the week

I've been working really hard lately to be a better person. All around. I want to be happier, more peaceful, kinder, etc. And I have felt so much better in all these areas this week. But one thing has me so down today. The Janet Abaroa murder was on 20/20 last night and I've just been in a funk all day. Janet and Raven met at SVU. Her last year there was my first year. She was murdered the month before Garren and I got married. Earlier this week he took the Alford plea deal which mean he accepts the consequences for the action without pleading guilty. So he was sentence to 95-123 months in jail, time already served counts. Which means he'll be back out by 2018. The whole thing is sickening. And it just makes me sad. They said, "This is good for everyone because Raven goes to jail and now the family can begin to heal and move one." WHAT?!?!? SERIOUSLY?!?! How does that help the family move on?! If I were in the family I would be extremely unsatisfied. The entire story, including court is here on WRAL's website. The most unsettling part was hearing all the friends testify and talk about all these places around campus I'd been a million times. ugh! NO JUSTICE! Life is so unfair!

So, to make myself feel better, we looked at several hiking trails in the alps as a family :) We think we have it narrowed to the France side or the Switzerland side. There's one hike we found that starts in France and ends in Italy that looked interesting to us, but we are limited to what our kids can handle. So we have to find a trail that doesn't have an "Avid" portions in it.

Marathon training is picking back up after a week off (except Wednesday). My kids and husband had the flu. But everyone is back to normal. I'm going to back to 5 am runs this upcoming week. Unless it snows on Tuesday and then all my mental faculties will surely be too challenged to run. :) I will admit though. .. . I like having fun with my kids on snow days :) Garren says, "They should be doing school work at home because that's what they would be doing otherwise." I say, "Uh huh. After we build a fort." :)

Oh, and, on another note. I didn't get the flu. And I always get what my kids bring in the house. I am convinced it is my doTERRA oils. That's the only thing that has changed in my lifestyle. I'm convinced! Anyone use doTERRA?

Novel!!

Okay, enough with the heavy!

When I have OCD flair ups I tend to get extremely personal and heavy in my writing. This is for several reason: 1) I have trouble controlling my thoughts and tend to obsess about one particular thing. 2) I try to channel that obsession and tend to do it through intense scripture study, prayer and meditation. So the result is days and days of purging myself of all "worldly" things like tv, radio, media, etc and listen to nothing but church hymns and conference talks for a few days straight.

But then I snap out of it and come back to reality. Of course, this personal improvement continues as I do try to fit in personal scripture study, etc into my daily life. But I do like the occasional Arrested Development episode. And let's not pretend my life wouldn't be empty without Henry Cavill O'clock. . . This would be the point at night when I want to give up on working, but I have to go on! And I google Henry Cavill. :) That usually gives me some more energy.

Speaking of work. . .  a few months ago I wrote to seamstresses of Christmas past, present and future to find who would take over the business. It was my golden ticket email to my WIllie Wonka moment. So I have my amazing team of women assembled and ready to take over! I am finishing up a few things, training videos, etc and then on to the next venture! My next business was going to be. .   something awesome that I am still determined to make work but can't afford a key piece of it yet. So what I am going to do for my next business venture? I have two goals, one long term and one short term. I'd like to design and create textiles for films. A friend of mine is a filmmaker and I was an Associate Producer of his film Black Bird. And yes, you will see the business name there under Company Credits. He lives in Tennessee and it would be super awesome to work with him at some point. He plans to film in Tennessee as well. So I'm hoping I can offer my services to him in the future and start building a portfolio. That would be super awesome. Short term: My Novel. I've finally created a time line. If anyone cares I made a tab for it. Ha! That's to keep myself in check, of course.

So, my novel. . . It's about. . . .  nope! Lips are sealed. You didn't think I was absent the day of writing class where we were instructed not to divulge our ideas, did you? But it's pretty awesome. I know this because when I get ideas that I know will be successful I tend to fill up every spare moment of my day (marathon training) with something so that I can avoid doing this awesome thing because it's so big and so great that it almost scares me. But it's time to put that aside and get this novel written.

My only problem right now is that I have to read a bunch so I can get my mind sharp for writing. The best thing you can do for writing is to read. And I have to read Dystopian Society books and I hate those. buh. But my novel is, in fact, a dystopian society book, even though I hate them. So I need to get in the loop on that genre. And I have the Hunger Games movie to watch tonight while I work, but I just. .  meh. . . I don't want anything to do with it! Dystopian Society novels and movies mess with my head! 1984 was the worst. I've only read it once and it was 15 years ago and to this DAY I wonder who's watching me through the tv! And Brave New World? Forget it! I'm still expecting the day when we start rationing drugs to everyone to keep everyone happy and peaceful. And my novel is. going. to. mess. with. your. mind. But in a positive way. It's going to be different from other dystopian novels because it will get you thinking about a positive outcome. See, other dystopian society novels show you where we are headed if we do certain things and make certain choices. But my novel starts in a dysfunctional universe and works itself out of it! It's going to be UH-MAZING. Well, I think so anyway. ha! Not bragging, but I do have a history of awesome ideas that turned out to be total successes! On the other hand I have a history of not awesome choices too. Like that pay day when I went down to the bank to see about getting a loan to buy a B and B. SO glad that didn't end up being my next business venture. Holy cow!

I can't wait to finish up with my work so I can get started on my novel! And I need to finish this marathon stuff and get it out of my system. Ha!

(Someone asked me about my time the other day. I do have an affinity for time management. I'm just very good at it. Always have been. But that's also because I can't sit still, so I get a lot done. So here's how it goes for right now. It's about to change when I officially turn over the business to my lovely ladies. Wake up at 5 and run for two hours. Work until Miriam gets home at 1pm. Piano lesson practice and letters and numbers practice with Miriam until Josh gets home at 2:30.  Homework and Piano lesson practice. Then we spend the afternoon doing any of the following: science experiments, playing in the play room, going to the park or we go to the gym on days that I don't go at 5 am. And gymnastics on Thursdays or swim lessons. Baths at 5:30, dinner at 6, bedtimes at 6:45when my husband comes home from work. Then I work from 7pm to 10 pm or whenever I am done. but if I get up at 5 I have to finish at 10. And when I take a break from working I blog :) When do my husband and I spend time together? The other day we blew kisses at each other passing in our cars dropping off the kids at their schools. jk. . .  Garren works for the company too and helps me in the evenings to assemble mounting blocks, or whatever when he isn't doing the numbers. Occasionally we have lunch together before I get Miriam from school. Weekends are anything goes! Coming up, when I am done with work, I plan to write while the kids are at school. I'm so excited to get started. But a little scared and nervous. My idea has a TON of potential and I hope I can do it justice).

Confirmatin

When I receive the Ensign, a monthly publication from the church that includes uplifting and spiritual messages, I usually start in the back. If I start in the front I miss all the fun little stories and updates in the back. So today, I finally got around to opening it from the front :) The first presidency message was on Service!

Earlier this week I had been wondering if I would qualify for the blessings of peace and finally feel that "conversion" moment where I would be free of anger and not desire to do evil anymore. I wondered if I was on the right track or if I was doing things for the right reasons. When I read this ensign article I became overwhelmed with joy and emotion! I got to this paragraph and knew I was on the right track!

"One of the assurances that you are being purified is an increasing desire to serve others for the Savior. Home teaching and visiting teaching become more of a joy and less of a chore. You find yourself volunteering more often in a local school or helping care for the poor in your community. Even though you may have little money to give to those who have less, you wish you had more so that you could give more (see Mosiah 4:24). You find yourself eager to serve your children and to show them how to serve others."

Oh the joy I felt at this message! Not only am I on the right track but I am moving forward! I feel good sometimes and feel like I'm on the right track, but I wonder if I am moving, making progress. And after reading this I truly feel like I am leaping forward to that moment that I so desire. As I wrote my post earlier this week and mid post received the inspiration to perform a service for someone, I had no clue what it really meant. I thought Heavenly Father was just blessing me with a distraction. But now I realize that it is a significant event in my healing. And then yesterday when I was finally prompted with a way to make Mother's For Service work! I know that was yet another significant event! I made have been seeking a way to think of something else than my anxiety, but I did it prayerfully and alongside the Lord. And I think Heavenly Father knew and understood this and felt that I was ready to have another significant event to move forward toward my true conversion goal.

I am so grateful for this. As I am working on some things for the business right now I have some conference talks on about charity. And I have heard this several times: "Love shared is love multiplied." We are counseled to share the love of God when we have felt it in our own lives as a way of expressing gratitude. And I truly have felt his love as I continue to grow and improve.

I am in awe that He knows who I am. I am in awe that He can pay attention to our miniscule problems as though we are the only person he has to listen to. What love! Can you even imagine such love?

Blog update!

I made lots of changes and updates to the blog because I've recently discovered that I have readers and followers. :) I didn't realize I did. I thought I was talking to myself. Which was fine. I mostly only used this blog to help me say things out loud so I could heal and change and grow. I also wanted to record life changing experiences and events. Not necessarily for people to read. But since people do read, I've added some tabs for you to get some back story if you feel lost and to learn more about me and why my family and faith is so important to me.

I will try to be conscious of the fact that people do read this, but the reality of this blog is that I use it to try to improve myself and my life. And sometimes I fail miserably. And that isn't always fun to read. I'm also not always happy. I'm not always fun. And this isn't a family blog. I'm not always pleasant and I've been told I'm very direct. :) While these are things that come through in my writing, what I do strive for and aim for is positivity, improvement, love, generosity, improvement and the like.

I am trying to be the best person I can be, but I am also trying to deal and heal from experiences I have been through recently. You can check out the Melissa's Story tab for details on that if you'd like to be updated and brought up to speed on that because I refer to it a lot on the blog as I am still dealing with it and healing and growing from it.

If I do have readers, I hope to inspire. But I didn't even know I had readers, so welcome! But I hope someone will read this and see how I came out of a situation of betrayal and let it be the best things that happened to my spiritual life instead of letting it break me.

Happy reading.

This blog is about making my own path through the guidance of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

Love it!

The flu!

The flu has struck our house! Everyone is sick but me. I hope I don't get it. I am hoping my "extreme" marathon training has substantially improved my immune system. Plus, I kind of think my doTerra stuff is helping. I thought it would be interesting to try out, but I think it has made all the difference!

Well, I have added another thing to my plate. I know I have way too much going on right now to add another thing, but I think this will be good on so many levels. As a visit with my husband's sisters continues to get closer and more real, I have been having a great deal of anxiety. And when I felt inspire to serve as a way to combat that anxiety, I realized that service is something that needs to be a part of my regular life if I am going to be able to truly qualify for those that "conversion" I have been diligently seeking.

Allow me to clarify. I love my sisters in law very much. Each of them. I am at peace in my heart with each of them and long to have a good and healthy relationship with them. I am very much looking forward to this visit so we can start building a relationship on good face to face experiences since we haven't even seen each other since the incident happened. Through the love of Christ I have been able to heal and feel love for them again. I pray for them and pray for their health, safety and peace daily. I think of them often and think of good memories we have together. But everyone now and again a bad memory slips in and this is where I am currently struggling.

I said some really terrible things to and about them. I regret them and have apologized profusely. I continue to try to make things right by reaching out to connect in various ways, I continue to make them a part of my life by remembering their birthdays, etc. I try to live as thought nothing happened. But it did happen. They can choose to not be hurt by what I said, but they acted. And I continue to have to deal with their actions every day. They can choose to ignore me and forget or not be hurt by what I said, but I couldn't choose to ignore their actions. I had to fix their mistakes. I had to complete their orders. I had to find help to complete their orders. I had work on Christmas and Thanksgiving to complete their orders. This was something I couldn't escape. I couldn't turn of f the computer, ignore an email, ignore a text message. I had to do it all for them. And the fact that they never reached out to me to accept responsibility for their poor behavior while I still to this continue to apologize and make things right has made it very clear to me that they don't care about me at all. They ignore my attempts and continue to hurt me by their inactions. And they continued to act by making their own custom window treatments business which I found years after the fact on Linkedin. So I continue to suffer daily as a result of their actions while they can just go on with their lives choosing not to be hurt by what I said. (The way it came about, I think, is what hurts the most. I was thinking one night, how can innocently remind her that I am here and that I love her and care about her? I had learned of a new sewing venture she had undertaken and I did a search for her on LinkedIn so I could "endorse" her sewing skills as just a quiet reminder that I do love and care about her and think of her often. And then her window treatments business came it. I can't even describe to you what it felt like. I couldn't breathe. All the time I had spent to see and love her for the person she was felt completely undone because when I saw that I thought, "No human being could do this to another." and I felt like I couldn't see her as a human being anymore because she felt like a monster to me. But, again, in the strength of the Lord I came to quickly forgive as I did see her as a person. I did see that she was a flawed human being that clearly didn't understand what she was doing to me or selfishly didn't think about what something like that would do to me. And I did eventually grow to love her again as I had before). But as far as I am concerned, I will continue to love them, continue to pray for them and (here is where I am struggling) continue to make an attempt to reconnect in a healthy way.

So, here is why I am struggling with this. We are going to be visiting together next month. And I so badly want my kids to have a relationship with their cousins. And I am so looking forward to building on healthy experiences with my husband's sister. I have imagine us having a great time together. But here is my concern: Because of the inactions, and because of the nonattempts to rectify how they hurt me, and (coming back to the present) not acknowledging my attempt to connect has made it quite plain that they don't care about me. And that's fine. they don't have to care about me. But what I am wondering is should I leave it at that? Should I leave her alone during our visit because she doesn't have a desire to have a relationship with me? Or should I continue and be unwavering in my efforts to rectify this relationship and try to have good experiences with her that we can build on from there? I'm inclined to the latter only because I would do that no matter what. I would do whatever it takes to not have anyone have hurt feelings because of me, and to have a good relationship with her would just be amazing to me. But to have a relationship is a two way street and if she doesn't care about me, should I just leave her alone?  It was clear with her rival window treatments business that she cares very little about my feelings. But I care about her. And I care about her family and her feelings and her life. So would it more caring of me to leave her alone and stop trying to develop a relationship that she doesn't want or doesn't care about? Or would it be better to continue trying and show her that there is something beneficial and healthy here? While my attempts are completely unselfish and have a desirable result where the family is concerned, is it more unselfish to just leave it since she clearly isn't in that frame of mind?

This is where the anxiety is. I am thinking of the visit wondering do I make an attempt to do things together with our kids? or do I just let our kids play together and I leave and go somewhere by myself to avoid making her feel obligated to have "moments" with me to build on? Then I ask the question, am I doing this so I can feel better? See, if I had good healthy moments to build on, I feel like I would have new memories to replace the old negative ones with that creep into my mind. So I am asking myself, is it selfish of me to desire these moments so that I can feel better? Is the truly unselfish thing to just live in my pain silently and leave her alone? Of course feeling better about the past is definitely a reason for desiring this visit with her. But I want to be sure that that isn't the only reason. Because then my desire for healthy interaction would quickly become unhealthy once the prior incident was rectified.

I don't know. I'm just haunted by the memories. When I go to my workroom, I am flooded with memories of the late nights spent suffering through the consequences of their choices and actions. But the thing that hurts the worst is when I am flooded with the good memories we had working together and how they threw that all away on a misunderstanding. The pain can be overwhelming sometimes.

Again, to be clear, I am quite at peace with them in my heart. And I truly love them. I care for them very much and wish I could be a part of their lives. But I am still haunted by memories. And I continue in learning how to deal with those memories and those feelings that creep in. But I truly believe as I work toward this "conversion" I so seek, just as Enos had his conversion, I do believe that I will be able to forget those memories and feelings and they will be as foreign to me as though they never happened. I have faith that that is the Lord's desire for me. And the other day he gave me the means whereby I might accomplish this: Service. So I have decided to try Mothers For Service again!

About six years ago, I started a group called mothers for service. We had two groups, group A and Group B. Group A would go serve while group B would watch this kids. We were to do this twice a month alternating group a and group b. This proved overwhelming. Even though we had all the group B moms there with group a and group b kids, there were just too many kids in one space. So I think we're going to try this again and have partners instead. We'll still have group a and group b, but one member of the partnership (partnership are based on location) will be partner A and one will be partner b. Then all the as will meet at the service location while all the bs watch the kids. So, in my case, I live down the street from another mom I know would be up for this and she has two kids. So I would only have a total of four kids in my house which is totally manageable. So we'll all team up and decide who will be a and who will be b. And then we will pick a day that works for "Feeding America" and make that our service day!

I think this will be an amazing thing and be the beginning of my "conversion" event as I close this chapter of my life and let that event be in the past. I think this will be what I need to forget the memories and feelings I had and be completely healthy! Then my relationship with my husband's sisters can be completely healthy. If they want it, that is.

As I wrote all that out, I kind of felt more inclined toward the first option: just leave her alone. I think as long as she cares so little for me, I can't work toward building a healthy relationship since I'm the only that wants it. I'll just be there and be available, but I think I should just do my own thing. That makes me very sad, but I feel that is the answer to my prayer concerning the visit. I'll continue to pray for and seek opportunities to have a healthy relationship with her, but I'll leave it up to her. It makes me sad because I then think of things like Home Remedy Designs and how am reminded how little she cares for me. And I think it will never happen. And that makes me so sad. But I think I have done all I can do. I have apologize profusely, always been the first to reach out with an email, always sought opportunities to show her I cared. I think for it to turn into a relationship I have to let her do something. It feels hopeless. But I think that is the answer to my prayer.

To be fair, she did send me the first email once. She asked me if she could make a skirt for Miriam. She never did. But she did make the attempt! She did write the first email! So I will hold on to that and hope that maybe somewhere in there she does care! I'll continue to hope, but I truly feel now that I just need to leave her alone. :*( I guess it's a good thing I'm running a marathon that weekend. Maybe I'll just spend the day before the marathon stretching and doing tempos. Then I won't ruin her visit with her brother. I'll just let it go. :( I think that's the most unselfish thing I could in this situation, and that is what I want to be. So even though it hurts me and makes me sad, I think that's what's best. I can't make her care. I can't make her see how much she hurt me. I can't make her do anything. So I will just leave her alone. :(

Improving

Yesterday was great. I acted on my prompting. My kids had a snow day from school, so I asked them who they had been thinking about or missing or thinking might need to smile. They mentioned the name of a lady in our ward whose grandson died recently. We made her cupcakes and got her some tulips and took them over to her house in the afternoon. I truly do understand now that we make it so our minds are consumed in serving or thinking of others then we don't have any room left to be bogged down by other personal anxieties. After this experience, I feel like I am a little bit better and that I have improved that much more.

As I improve in my personal and spiritual life I can feel those thoughts that get me down creep in. And they are destructive. They have the potential to do significant damage to myself and to my family. But I am grateful for the inspiration I had that has supplied me with a tool to combat that destructive thoughts. I truly do feel that the Lord wants me to be happy and to not be bothered by things that were in the past and don't matter anymore.

I am scared about whether or not I will be able to combat what will be thrown my way as I continue to improve myself and continue to grow closer to my Savior. But I truly know now that in the strength of the Lord, I can do all things. There is no other way.

You can't be right doing wrong, and you can't be wrong doing right.

I found this on lds.org today after I was researching more info on the book of Enos:

"Conversion is a process, not an event. Conversion comes as a result of righteous efforts to follow the Savior. These efforts include exercising faith in Jesus Christ, repenting of sin, being baptized, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end in faith.

Although conversion is miraculous and life changing, it is a quiet miracle. Angelic visitations and other spectacular occurrences do not bring conversion. Even Alma, who saw an angel, became converted only after he ”fasted and prayed many days“ for a witness of the truth (Alma 5:46). And Paul, who saw the resurrected Savior, taught that ”no man can say that Jesus is the Lord, but by the Holy Ghost“ (1 Corinthians 12:3).

 

The Book of Mormon provides descriptions of people who are converted to the Lord:

They desire to do good. King Benjamin's people declared, ”The Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually“ (Mosiah 5:2). Alma spoke of people who ”could not look upon sin save it were with abhorrence“ (Alma 13:12)."

 

I really like it. I feel little things like this happening in my life, but I haven't felt rid of everything in my life to the point where I "have no more disposition to do evil." But as I have been training for my marathon, I have abandoned tv, facebook, chats, etc. I just don't have time for all that stuff anymore. and the other day I did turn on the tv and I found I was very sensitive to what was on there. Including commercials!

 

I do long for the feeling of no longer having a disposition toward evil, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. While I am at peace in my heart and my mind with my husband's family, everyone once in a while things creep into my mind. I haven't thought of them in days, maybe longer, but today for some reason I am haunted by the question: How can they continue to do nothing? I have done everything in my power to make things right and okay and they did, and continue to do, nothing. How can you just do nothing to try to make things right with someone you hurt? I may have said things, but they can choose to not be hurt by words. They acted, and I have to deal with the consequences of their actions against me. How can you be okay with that? How can you live with yourself knowing you did that to someone? It's like the saying, Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I may have said the words, but they threw the sticks and stones.

 

I don't know if having these thoughts and feelings disqualifies me for true conversion or if I can still have this and achieve that desire to sin no more even though I am haunted by the actions of my husband's sisters. I keep hoping one day this will happen to me and that it will be the remedy to preventing these thoughts and feelings from creeping in. But I just don't know. I wonder if they'll ever stop haunting me. And if so, do my hurt feelings mean I haven't truly converted to the ways of the Lord? My sincere desire is to become the person Heavenly Father wants me to be and to dedicate my life to his service. But how do I truly accomplish this when I can't control the thoughts in my mind which are sometimes focused on pain? How do I stop thinking about the pain so I can just think about my duties and responsibilities here?

 

I have no clue what I need or how to proceed, but I do feel little progresses each day. So I guess I'll just keep on keeping on. But I feel like I'm missing something, some key and essential point or tool that I just keep overlooking or passing by that is going to be the healing element in my life.

 

As I wrote that, I had the thought that I need to lose myself in service because if my mind is thinking about others it can't think about the pain. Inspiration? Perhaps. But I don't think you can go wrong with service. So tomorrow, I'll start planning for that action. My kids have a snow day tomorrow, so perhaps we'll plan something we can do together for someone. We could shovel the neighbors walkways, scrape ice off of cars, make cookies for an elderly couple across the street.   . . I think this was inspired and is a good start. I'm so thankful for the gospel in my life. I feel so much better now. In just a matter of minutes.

 

How amazing that was! I feel like I had my "wrestle." I wrestled with my problems and expressed them out loud and the Lord whispered to me how I was to fix it. Amazing! God is good. I am so thankful. Tomorrow's going to be a good day! (or today, rather. It's 2:41 am. Spine pain keeps me awake late :( ).

 

You can't be right by doing wrong, and you can't be wrong doing right. Losing myself in service seems like a safe way to heal my mind from this pain. Can't go wrong there! I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost and the Love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for me. I know they desire for to feel and have this conversion as much as I do. And I am grateful they are pointing me in the right direction. Conversion is a process, not a single event. And I am on my way. On my journey. And I will persevere through those creeping painful memories and get passed them till my journey ends and the process of conversion is complete. In the strength of the Lord I can do all things.

Win or loose, we booze!

I have been resting from marathon training this weekend. I have been reading lots of dress patterns trying to decide to make for myself on Easter Sunday and I will be singing a solo in church on that day. I am also making Miriam's Easter dress, as I have every year since she was born. And Joshua was feeling left out, so I got a pattern for a vest and bow tie and will be making out of the same fabric as my dress.

My friend, Renee, will be playing her harp to accompany my solo. We are singing "Beautiful Savior." While practicing, someone at church pointed out to me that they use this song at the beginning of the movie frozen in another language. I have yet to see frozen, so I am unaware. I did youtube it, though. And it is fun. :) The last movie I saw was the Lego movie, which was so fun. I loved it. I think I loved it because I took my kids and they just loved it more than anything! It made it that much better!
I have devoted every minute that I have of my own to marathon training and haven't done Facebook, tv, movies or anything else. So I am a bit behind on popular culture. I only have two hours of my own every day before I start getting into my kids time. Then with the kids, between homework, piano, swim and gymnastics, well. . . to put it simply, I think I've overbooked us for the spring. Definitely not signing them up for ANYTHING this summer. Except piano. That's an ongoing thing. And both kids are taking to it surprisingly well. So I feel obligated to keep it up and not waste that precious time I have with them while they are still interested.

So, I've mostly been resting this weekend, trying to keep my movements minimal. And I can't stand it! I am a very busy person. I always have something going on. I thrive on chaos! In high school, I used to crochet under my desk because I couldn't focus on what the teacher was talking about if my hands weren't occupied at the same time. So rest and I have reacquainted ourselves this weekend and have come to the conclusion that we don't particularly care for each other. Sure, a hot bath with doterra essential oils and salts is nice, but in all honesty, I'd rather be running up a hill! I feel more accomplished after that than after a hot bath. ;)

Part of the reason I don't like sitting still is because my mind is always on hyper drive. It's an OCD thing. So if I don't have something forcing my mind to think about, like running or working with my hands, then my mind goes to not so good places. Today it went to grandma Ida. I confess, I still have her number in my phone and have dialed it once since she passed just to see what would happen. My mom and aunts didn't do a funeral for gram. Her life was very sad. She was never a happy person. She made choices and did things she had to live with for the rest of her life that made her sad. And her life with my grandpa was very sad. He was a diabetic and often had insulin fits. He fought in WWII and never talked to anyone about it. He would wake up at night screaming and not tell anyone why. Just a lot of sadness. I haven't experienced anything traumatic like that, but I do feel like a sad person, in general. Just because, for whatever reason, my mind always goes to sad places when I am not occupied or consumed in something else. Gram was pretty much always sad, but still went on, sort of a thing. I never knew she was sad until I experienced things in my life as an adult that made me sad and then I could recognize it in her. So she went on with her life and lived it the way she wanted, but I can see now the sadness she lived with in her heart and her mind. She always had this attitude about her that she was going to have a good time anyway.

She had renal failure the week my sister got married. She came home from the hospital a few hours into the wedding reception. haha! The reception was at her house. So I got out of my bridesmaid dress and into some shorts and a shirt and sat with her in her living room. We listed to the reception music and "Roll out the barrel" came on. She said, "Hey! That's my song!" She was so weak and could hardly move. Hardly talk. She was on so many drugs. She told me about she and Harold and how they made a "mistake."  She cried. I could tell she was disappointed in herself. But then she said, "Well, win or lose, we booze!" And that was kind of her attitude on life. You make a mistake, feel bad about it for a second, then move on! Learn from it, then move on. Don't let it consume you to the point that you aren't a functional human being. And be happy! She always went on in spite of the pain of her choices or actions of others against her. The next day always came. And she faced it with a smile.

I find such joy and happiness knowing that tomorrow isn't written yet. What can I do tomorrow that will make me better than today? What will I do to teach, learn, inspire, improve? I may not teach, learn, inspire, or improve on anything tomorrow. I could lose. But I won't let that affect the next unwritten day. Win or lose, I'll. . . not booze, but find joy in the fact that the next day is unwritten. And while I may lose, I can try to win the next day. And that makes me excited. Even for a Monday!

Inspiration

I received a letter form my sister, Ashley, who is in boot camp. She is doing well. I was so inspired. She talked about how they broke her down as far they could then started to build her back up from the ground. She said, "I never let them break me all the way." I was so inspired. She is so strong. I could never go through all that. She talked about doing the gas chamber. I'd cry hysterically and probably throw a temper tantrum or two.

I was thinking about why we do things that are hard. I ran tonight and ran up a difficult steep hill. I used to stop and walk it. But tonight I said to myself, "Running this is what will separate me from the people who walk it because it's easier." Ad I ran it for the first time. It was hard and it hurt, but I found myself continuing to run even when I was at the top of the hill.

We do these things to separate ourselves from those who only do the things that are easy. Those who just want to take the easy way.

I thought tonight about where I am at in my life and thought about how I'm in such a solid place in my mind, my heart. . .  in recent years, I was just going through the motions. I did things only because that's what I did at that time every day. There was no purpose to anything in my life. One thing I knew I had to do, even when I wasn't thinking in my right mind, I knew I had to continue going to church. I knew it would be harder to come back from not going at all than it would be to come back just in mind and spirit. So I continued to go. I would often go into the mothers lounge and wait till church was over. And eventually I asked to play the piano in primary. No one really notices you there. It was a really hard time in my life. I didn't where to go, didn't know what to do. Didn't know how to act and didn't have any answers. But one thing was for sure, and that was that I had to continue going to church no matter how much it made thing of certain people in my life that I didn't want to think about anymore, and no matter how much I disliked hearing the talks and lessons, I knew I had to physically be there. And I realize now that Heavenly Father recognized that. And he waited patiently for me to come out of it. At the time I felt abandoned because I had no answers, felt lost without any guidance. But I realize now how much Heavenly Father knows us individually and the love he has for us, for me.

There was once a story about a sick boy who was quarantined. His father could only watched through a window. He couldn't do anything to help, couldn't even be heard by the son. And all the father could do was watch him suffer. It was likened to Heavenly Father's perspective when we make choices in our lives that cause us pain and suffering. He cannot just step in and fix it all for us, snap us out of it or heal us. We have to be in a position where we can accept Him and His help and love for us. But as long as we make poor choices and suffer the consequences, the extent of what Heavenly Father can do for us is wait and watch. But He is always there. Waiting. Watching. And ready to help us at any time. Of course, there is a degree of healing that must happen before he can be fully present in our lives, just as the sick boy must heal before unquarantined. But Heavenly Father will be there and will wait until we are fully ready to receive Him.

I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. I know without it, I would not have got through the extremely difficult trial I recently went through. It took me three years to come out of it even with the gospel in my life. If I didn't have it, I'd be a big mess right now. I likely would have destroyed my family and continued to make worse and worse choices.

It was hard to go through that. And I am glad I did. Just as I ran that hill tonight to separate myself  from others, to put myself in the "elite" group, I perserveered through the hard times determined to come out of it making positive choices. And now I am better than ever and my family is better than ever. And I feel like having made it through that successfully without falling apart puts me in an "elite" group, the group of people who don't choose divorce as the easy way out. The group of people that fix something when it's broken instead of throwing it out. But you can't be in the elite group without Heavenly Father. Because in this day and age, you can't keep a family together with Heavenly Father. Too many outside influences. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are the only way.

A friend from high school serves me a slice of humble pie.

I have written often about how people shouldn't abandon each other because one person is in a funk or has a bad week, month, year, etc. Some "cut people out" of their lives if they don't offer something to their lives. So I had a hard month and you cut me out because I didn't have anything to give you at that time? What about when I got over it? So now I'm over things and I'm better than ever. And I'm grateful to those who didn't "cut me out" and I think they are too. I think that's just a bad attitude and a poor way to live. I think people that are focused on what other people have to offer to their lives should think, "What can I offer to their lives while they're enduring this difficult trial?" Cutting people out is selfish and mean.

But even more than that, people change. And people can change for the better. I know I have. I am better than ever. I feel very connected to the Lord right now and can honestly say that my actions right now are spiritual guided. And my life is great. Worth gold. :) My life is worth gold because I live in such a way now that has made it that way. Before, my choices and actions weren't making my life very valuable. But I am just as good now as I ever was. And to those who cut me out: Your loss.

But what about when the tables are turned? One time, in high school, I went to youth conference. It was a weekend long event. There was a boy there I had never met. He was good looking and seemed nice. He asked me for my phone number! I was shocked. I actually didn't know what to do or how to respond and I ended up saying no! There was just something weird about the way he asked me. I also thought to myself, "And when you call, what are we going to talk about? Remember that time at Youth Conference when I asked for your phone number?" Yah, not going to happen.

Later on, a friend came up to me and pulled me aside and said, "That group of guys over there made a bet that they couldn't get a girl's phone number before the end of the weekend. I think one is going to ask you. Just wanted to give you a head's up." Yah. . . he already tried it. . .

I don't know if I was particularly desparate looking or homely or what, but he chose to ask me. Chose to humiliate and embarrass me! I didn't let it get to me too much. I brushed it off for the most part and was really glad I went with my instinct and said,"no."

After that weekend we had the great fortune to have classes together at school every single year after that until graduation. In fact, I was seminary class president to mine and his class. And while I didn't let it bother me to the point that I cried or developed a bad attitude toward guys, etc, you'd better believe I didn't ever let him forget that he did that to me. Ever. Including last Sunday.

So I went to church on Sunday and passed a group of new missionaries in the hallway who had just arrived the night before. One stopped me and said, "Is your name Melissa?" I said, "YES IT IS BBBBEEEENNNNN!" I knew exactly who he was. And since he was my age I said, "So, how long have you been on your mission now? Nine, ten years?" He just laughed and I introduced him to my kids and talked about the places he had been already on his mission. I had to play the piano in primary, so I had to get going.

I thought all day about this and why he would be on a mission now. I thought about how I would craftily bring up that youth conference to, again, not let him every forget :) I went home and Facebook stalked him. I found his FB and a website where he had been keeping a record of his pre mission experiences, post call, and mission experiences. I spent most of the afternoon reading every word. I couldn't believe what I was reading. None of what I was reading sounded anything like the boy who I had taken great care to make sure he never forgot one little incident, one little conversation that took all of a minute and half. One tiny little action. I was amazed at what I read. He was very spiritual, very open and, being an English major, his writing actually impressed me most. He seemed very well read and wrote very well. I could hardly believe it! He wasn't the boy who took bets from friends or acted on peer pressure not thinking about who he was acting against. He was changed for the better, becoming fully consumed in the work of the Lord and dedicating his life to the saving of souls.

Then I remembered how much I wanted people to see me for who I am now, and not for I was then. And then I got a little sad. I was ladled a piping hot bowl of humble soup. Disappointed in myself for doing to him what others are currently doing to me. It doesn't feel good. It isn't nice and it is selfish and hurtful.

I plan to live in the present. What that means to me is that I will live my life and treat people based on who they are right now, not who they were yesterday. And I hope people will treat me based on who I am today. Not who I was yesterday.

Dreaming too big??

I'm sitting here at my work desk with my legs wrapped in a heating pad. I've been running everyday and at a fast pace. I'm trying to meet a huge goal. But I'm beginning to think I didn't give myself enough time to achieve it. My goal may be unrealistic. We'll see. I'm going to keep going.

I have never felt better than I do right now and it is because I have my mind, body and spirit all in the right place. Before I felt imbalanced. My mind (work) was overpowering everything and my body and spirit suffered. Or there was a time after feeling betrayal that I just let my spirit completely die and was solely relying on mind and body. And I just didn't feel like I was making progress no matter how much work I put into it.

Finally, I am at the right place in my life to have big dreams and big goals. I have found balance in my work life (which is what I think of as the "mind" portion of this triad) by cutting out the work blog. (I have three blogs. Work blog is windowsbymelissa.BlogSpot-- "mind," That which doesn't kill you.blogspot, "body," and Real Life in Laymon's terms-- "spirit." And I am keeping records in all of them of my journey). My work blog was bringing in too much business and had a lot of expectation with it as we had paid advertisers on it. So when I cut that out the work load slowed a little and I didn't feel obligated to write posts because we had people paying for ad space. I also cut out FB, chat and tv. I have the tv on right now while I am working, but I'm watching the news. Otherwise, I listen to music or uplifting conference talks. I also have a great set of videos from the Living Scriptures about the modern day prophets that I enjoy watching while I work. I have decided to only have positive and uplifting media on while I work so I don't feel the weight of depression, or go into a run in a negative mood, or any other mood other than that of focusing on the run. This has also helped in my spiritual life. In cutting out media I have a much clearer mind and find myself dwelling on positive helpful thoughts. And now that I am a temple recommend holder again, I just feel repaired and whole and ready to dream big.

My goal is a little too big. I get up every morning to run before my kids wake up so that my personal goals don't encroach on my kids time. We had a bad snow last week (22") and it melts during the day then refreezes at night. So I have been going to the gym in the afternoons or running while my kids are in their swim lessons. But starting tomorrow I'll be back to normal. hello 4:30 am!! I can do this now that I have balance in my work life.

Since my goal is so big, I accessed the spiritual side of it. I needed to pick a training and diet plan. I decided the Word Of Wisdom is my plan. I prayed to Heavenly Father and told Him that if He will help me reach my goals, I will testify to ALL THE WORLD that my training plan is the Word of Wisdom! I also told Him that I understand if this isn't my path and isn't meant to be because of my current health concerns. But if He see fit, I will preach till I die that the Word of Wisdom is there to help us be in our optimum physical states.

That being said, I currently have about 1 coke a week. I need to cut that out. . . And after really reading into the word of wisdom in detail, I have determined we eat WAY too much meat. :/

I read the WOW often to remind myself of it and keep myself on track. So far I am doing great. I have to run 11 miles today to keep on track with my training and my legs feel like lead weights! But I am determined.

While the goal itself involved running a particular marathon, the ultimate goal is to inspire. We are all given excuses, particularly myself with EDS. That's the perfect excuse not to run. But just because we have an excuse doesn't mean we have to use it. I hope to teach my kids this. And it's a lesson I hope they apply to their entire lives, not just running. The point is that there is an excuse for everything. But we don't have to use them. We shouldn't use them. They just hold us back from. . . the gold ;)

Perseverance: My mom and dad

I think about people constantly. My friends and family are always on my mind in one capacity or another. Earlier this morning, shortly after I woke up, I was remembering a Thanksgiving at my sister in law, Sharon's house. I was just thinking about us all in the kitchen cooking together. No big deal, nothing significant, but I often think about things like this. When I am waiting for my kids at school or the bus stop, I am always thinking about someone. I don't know why. It's just somewhere my mind always goes.

After another successful business month, I have been reflecting on how I got here. I never considered myself very skilled in business nor did I consider myself to even have a desire to do anything with business. I've always been more of an artsy person. but circumstances set in and I stepped up. I found a strength I didn't know I had.

So I've been wondering how that became a strength of mine. And I realized it was because of the example of my mother and father.

When circumstances made it so my mom had to work, she picked up jobs through ASU embroidering ASU on T-shirts and draw string bags. She was very good at it and they always looked very professional. I can still remember going with her t the ASU store and dropping off the items. She did what it took to make ends meet.

And then there' dad. ha! I have so many funny stories about my dad and business that I think of often now when I reflect on my business.

My dad never had cash. If we needed or wanted money to go somewhere or do something dad always said, "I don't have money for that." That's because the second he had disposable income he'd put it into an investment. When I got married, my grandfather gave me a $100 gift card to Costco. But we don't have Costco here in Virginia where I am located. My dad wanted to buy it off me for his use, but didn't have any cash. So he traded me 20 oz of silver for my Costco gift card. hahaha. This story cracks me up to this day!

The other story that I love telling about my dad is one from my youth. I went on a choir trip and I needed a duffle bag. My dad told me my brother, Neal, had his duffle bag. So I asked Neal for the bag and there was a heavy brick in it. I asked Neal why there was a brick in it. He said, "I don't know. Use it as a door stop." I set it in my closet thinking I might start using it as a door stop! I had been returned from my trip for several days when my dad came into my room in a panic and his face sweaty. He said, "There was something in the duffle bag that Neal gave you. Was it still in there when he gave you the duffle bag?" Having been sitting on the floor in my room doing homework, I was in easy reach of my closet. I took out the brick and said, "This thing?" Looking at the relief on my dad's face at the sight of the brick, I knew it wasn't just any old brick. He explained that he had invested in gold and used that duffle bag to transport his bricks of gold. That thing was heavy too. I probably had many thousands of dollars in gold sitting in my closet for a week or so. Good thing I didn't take it on my trip! That's my dad, leaving bricks of gold around the house! He's very smart with money and his investments.

So anyway, my point is that I am so grateful to both my parents for being smart and for teaching us to not just survive, but to thrive! To excel in everything! To do everything the best we can and then enjoy the rewards of our hard work and efforts. I especially learned perseverance from my mother as I watched her often sew those little tiny letters on shirts day in and day out. They didn't ask anyone for money or help. They just did what they had to do. And it paid off in the end in bricks of gold :) ha!

The parable of the vineyard

I am sure I have read Jacob 5 more times than I've read my own name. I feel like I know this part of the Book of Mormon in and out. But several things have stood out to me this time around because of where I am at in my life.

I realize now how everyone plays a part in our lives. In Jacob 5:37 when the tree begins to produce rotten fruit, the master says to the servant that the tree is perishing. When the master's tress begin to perish he tells the servant to go get more servants to help preserve the tree. I've heard this compared to missionary work, visiting and home teaching 8 million times. But I think it applies within our own families and friendships. I think we are all responsible for each other.

I think preserving the tree is like preserving our relationships with our family members and friends as a means of support. I was thinking of my own relationship  with my sister, Cyndie. I said some things that her feelings it took her a long time to forgive me. I had done everything in my power to make things right, but she still hadn't yet forgiven me. And though I was at peace knowing I had done enough to rectify the situation, the situation still plagued me since I knew she was feeling troubled. That nagging at the back of my mind hindered my progress at times as that was time I could have spent doing other things to further myself. I have always had a grasp of this concept and so I made it imperative in my life to forgive others. There was anther situation with another sister, or two, and it took me two years to fully forgive. But I knew and understood the importance of forgiveness from all parts and chose to dedicate a significant amount of my life to learning how to love them as sisters again and to forgive them. And I am glad my sister, Cyndie, did that for me. She and I must come from good stock, as my dad says :) We both seem to understand that having close relationships with family members is essential to support and uplifting one another. I think we are all responsible for each other and have can have a significant impact on how those closest to us feel. And it is important tat no matter what has been do to us, or what we have done, that we treat each other positively and in an uplifting manner. As much as I can say I'm just going to forget someone, it doesn't happen that way. So as much as I am feeling hurt, I have made it a personal goal to only say positive uplifting things and to only be positive and uplifting in all I do towards others. And this helps me forget that anything bad ever happened. It is all the more important to make sure our relationships with siblings and close friends is well nourished and preserved for our own progression's sake and for the other person's progression's sake. I hope to teach my children to never punish someone else by being unforgiving because that hinders progress for both parts.

I know that was a bunch of rambling, but it all made sense in my head. :) Basically, I think we have a responsibility to treat each other well, regardless of the circumstances. I am so grateful for my sister Cyndie and how much her forgiveness has helped me progress in my personal life. I'm grateful for all my sisters. All nine of them :)

The other thing that caught my eye this time was verse 73 when the roots are not developed enough to hold the substantial top of the tree. I have often had one or two really good days where I feel like my life is going super well and that everything is turning around. And then after a day or so I feel like I just crash and die. I connected with this verse because I felt like I had such good intentions of doing everything right and doing really well, but when I was carrying around the weight of negative feelings, my roots could not sustain the substantial goals and intentions I had. I had to make everything right in my mind and my heart and be at peace there before I could move forward with any kind of progress.



Okay, enough heavy stuff. I have a new goal. It's pretty huge. In fact, when I told my nurse friend about it she told me to have my thyroid checked :) Maybe my hormones are imbalanced and I am thinking I can do way more than I can :) I can't elaborate just yet, but I will be able to on April 27th. I need some time to see if it is physically possible for me to do this. Then I can say one way or the other. I am going to say no matter which way it turns out, but there would be more disappointment if I shared it now and then it didn't work out than if I say it after the fact. I know, anticlimactic. . .  Maybe I'll get my thyroid checked one of these days. . .

At peace in my heart

I can finally say that I have peace in my heart. It's been a long time, but I finally don't feel wretched anymore. And what a beautiful thing peace is. What a relief it is.

My grandma was never at peace. Always at odds with someone. I don't want that to be me. I'm sad for my grandma that she lived that way. She, too, had a lot of sadness in her life and was just generally a sad person. She used to say that she and my grandpa didn't have a happy marriage and they didn't love each other. But one time she told me a story about having to give grandpa his insulin shots for his diabetes. She said she sometimes would have to sit on him during insulin fits and give him insulin injections. She cried when she told me that and I knew that she loved him. I knew she'd been hurt and felt hurt because of the way they treated each other and the way they chose to live. But I knew she still loved him.

I want everyone to know how much I love them, and not just keep it to myself and realize how much I care after they are long gone. I have failed miserably at this in recent years, but I have renewed my efforts and determination to live a Christ like life and display Christ like love in all I do. This has come more naturally to me in the past month or so, but before that, it really took some determination and focus. As I am my grandmother's granddaughter and am predispositioned to fly off the handle at the first hint of controversy, it has taken a lot of dedication to form myself into a different person. And I have seen changes in myself, my relationships with my friends and most importantly, my home in this past month as I have endeavored to make this change.

I share this because I truly believe that people can change. I have had some negative and bad experiences with people in the past, but I have decided to keep my heart open to them. Because I believe they can change as I have.

I am a better person than I was yesterday. And tomorrow, I hope to be better than I was today.

Perseverance

I try to keep a journal or my daily happenings. But I find it hard as my days vary in ups and downs. It often feels primarily of downs. And I have been thinking lately that it is time to accept the sadness of my life. Sadness brought on by others, by my own choices, by circumstances, etc. And it is time to accept that I was not born for happiness. Not happiness, but something. I still have a purpose and can still function. I've just made room for the sadness. I find joy in things, but am overall a sad person. And so I do not wish to record the daily events of my life. But if one word could sum up my life, I wouldn't want it to be sadness. I'd want it to be persevere.

I have not endured as much as some, but enough to influence my life a great deal. I find myself often connecting with the sadness found in John Steinbeck novels or even connecting with Scarlet Ohara. :) The people both endured trials and hardships, but they lived through the particular trial. I know my sadness will not kill me, so I need to persevere. I need to continue on and find the joy. I will not let the sadness overtake my life.

I have decided to write some experiences from my past where I persevered through difficult challenges hoping to find some inspiration from my past self to influence my present self.

When I was a freshman in high school I was in a dram class. The teacher had us read a play he wrote that I felt was wildly inappropriate. The play had a good message, but the subject matter was teen suicide, something that I personally felt was not appropriate for a bunch of young, vulnerable, high school students. He asked for our opinion. I raised my hand and he said, "I don't want a Mormon's opinion." It was my very first year of high school. I can't even recall how he knew I was Mormon. This public humiliation was extremely painful to me. I wanted to remove myself from the situation. I prayed to know if I should stay and be a "positive influence" on this person who clearly had the wrong idea about Mormons. I felt that he was not ready to receive such influence and that I needed to leave the class. The only other class available during that hour was choir. I had zero singing ability, but did have some familiarity with music having taken piano lessons and played clarinet for five years. I was very hesitant, feeling like I would enter a place full of talented people and felt like my lack of singing ability would bring them down. I was determined to not let that happen and to do well in this class so that I didn't have to be in the other class.

I worked daily on my singing. I learned to sight read really well and sang so much that my vocal cords became extremely developed. I found a happy home there in choir and not only learned to sing, but was admitted the following year into the top choir and then subsequently into the elite choir made up of a small portion of members from the top choir. I even went on to audition for a regional choir. After my solo the judge gave me a 59/60 and explained that they aren't allowed to give a 60 because "no one is perfect." But told me to consider my 59/60 a perfect. Then she wrote underneath that, "See you in regional choir." Unfortunately, at the time, my sight reading skills were not on par with my competitors and singing perfectly didn't measure up to sight reading abilities and I did not, in fact make the regional choir. But I was still content as three years earlier I had no singing ability to speak of.

I persevered and developed a talent out of a situation that made me very sad. It took many years to develop and is something that still brings me joy today. I will be singing a solo with my friend, Renee, on the harp on Easter Sunday.

I do believe that we have two directions we can go when we have felt wounded and hurt. And I do believe that if we choose the right direction, it will take time, but we will be blessed with joy and be able to bless others with joy with whatever lesson we have learned from that which wounded us. As a result of the public humiliation I experienced that fall of 14 years ago, I now hope to inspire others and help them feel the spirit on Easter Sunday.

You never know who you might touch or inspire. And it may take 14 years. But you must persevere. And not only will you be blessed, but the lives of others in your life will be blessed.

Temple Recommend holder

Yesterday was an emotional day for many reasons. The most emotional part had to be that we learned Garren's grandfather will not live through this week. Everyone seems to be at peace with his decision. But, these things are always difficult no matter what the circumstance. And waiting for the phone call is ZERO fun.

But for me, personally, yesterday was a day I've been working toward for a long time. I am, once again, a Temple Recommend holder. I want to be clear that I didn't have my recommend taken from me. I let it expire and didn't renew it. I have struggled with my inlaws since the day before I got married when I met most of them. I didn't understand how being sealed to families worked. I didn't like the idea of being sealed to his family. And because of that, I didn't want to go to the temple. I haven't been to the temple in over three years. I sought more understanding and knowledge on the subject from my bishop and learned that being sealed does not work latterly. So while I am sealed to Garren, it does not mean that I will be with him and his siblings in the afterlife even though they are all sealed to each other.  When I learned this I started working harder on overcoming my negative feelings so that I could enter the temple with a clear mind and positive thoughts.

I am so grateful for the temple for so many reasons. But I have to say, if it weren't for that little 2" by 4" piece of paper, I don't know if I would have worked so hard to overcome my negative feelings towards them. I feel much about everything and now that our relationships have healed, things in my own family are operating much more smoothly. The temple truly blesses families in every way imaginable. I have a better understanding of temple blessings now more than ever. If I hadn't had this experience, I don't know if I ever would have gained this understanding.

I will never let my recommend expire again :) Life is good.

A parenting victory

Parenting victories don't seem to come along often, and so I like to note when they do.

I am trying very hard to teach my children to find something to love about everyone and everything. When are eating a meal, I ask my kids to find one nice thing they can say about it. I am doing this because I would mortified if they were invited to a friends house for a meal and said some of the stuff they say to me about my meals. Joshua is getting very good at it. There was one meal I made that he just didn't like at all. I told him he doesn't have to like everything, but he can still find something nice to say about it. He told me he liked that I made it so colorful. :) That counts! Any compliment works.

I try to do this same thing when they talk about their teachers or friends at school I ask them what they like about being with these people. I try to teach them that if someone is "weird" that's not a reason to not love them or not hang out with them. That's just another thing to love about them.

So, I do this every day and feel like I get nowhere and that everything I say goes in one ear and out the other. But I have been steadfast in my efforts to teach them to only see good.

Today Miriam jumped into my lap (literally) and grasped me tightly around the neck. I said, "Miriam, I love you. Do you love me?" She said, "Yes, mommy. I love you." I broke my grip around her and put my arms out as wide as I could and said, "I love you this much!" Miriam broke her grasp, put both of her hands on my face, and said, "Mom, I love all the things that are you."

I win :)

A little light in a confusing time

The discussion of evolution often creeps into the conversation when I am asked about my religion. And my friend found some very pertinent quotes from church leaders that I hope to memorize and have on hand for just such occasions.

"Animals seem pretty wonderful to me. I'd be content to discover that I share a common heritage with them..." -Henry Eyring, 1969

"The opening chapters of Genesis, and scriptures related thereto, were never intended as a textbook of geology, archaeology, earth-science or man-science... We do not show reverence for the scriptures when we misapply them through faulty interpretation." -James E. Talmage, 1931

"Our mission is to bear the message of the restored gospel to the world. Leave geology, biology, archaeology, and anthropology, no one of which has to do with the salvation of the souls of mankind, to scientific research..." -Heber J. Grant, 1931

 

Sometimes my answers to some questions are that I simply don't know enough about the subject to allow myself to explore anything but what the church teaches. I do not allow myself to deeply study certain things in any other capacity or from any other source other than the church until I have a firmer grasp on the subject. Then I feel comfortable exploring outside sources. This is one of those subjects that I would like to learn more about and study, but I will have to first explore the literature from the church before expanding to other sources. This has been a good start.  

Reflecting

A certain event happened to me a few years ago. As the prospect of seeing this person, that did this particular thing to me, for the first time since the incident is coming closer and becoming more of a reality, I have been reflecting on the incident and what still continues to hurt me to this day.

I have tried very hard to be friends with this person for many many years. It was very important to me that I have a relationship with this person and I wanted a relationship with this person. I went to extremes to show this person that I wanted to be friends. I threw her baby showers, I spent my last dime to buy a plane ticket to help her drive a new car from one location to another, I set up times to get together and always went to her, I shared my work with her and gave her a job when she needed one.

She was very cold and unreceptive to my efforts. I continued to try knowing one day she would recognize that I just wanted to be friends and have a relationship with her.

Something then happened in the business and she chose not to complete the projects she committed to and not to return the funds that had been provided for her to do so. The part that hurts most about this is that I wanted so badly to be her friend and that action made it clear that she never intended to be my friend. No human being would do that to another human being, let alone a friend. I didn't want to quit even after that. I continued my efforts supporting her business efforts and talents. But it has become more and more clear to me that nothing with penetrate the wall she has put up between us.

The reason this has all come back into view after years and after I have let it all go is because there was hope in my heart that we would be friends still yet. I was going to have the opportunity to see this individual in July. And that would be the last time we would ever see each other, but I was hoping to make the most of it and let her know that in spite of what she did to me and in spite of the fact that she has something going on with her where she will not allow us to be friends, I was going to let her know that I was still there.

But, I think it's just time that I accept that she will never see my efforts for what they are. After the incident, I felt extremely hurt because all my efforts clearly meant nothing to her. I don't know if I was just a means of money to her, or what. That's all I could make of it since no friend would do that to another. So clearly I wasn't a friend to her. What was I then? Nothing. I was nothing. And to keep from hurting so bad I had to make the situation worse than it was in my head. Because the actual incident in my mind still wasn't worth terminating a friendship. But since there was no friendship I had to make it in my head something that was worth not trying to be her friend anymore. So I made her out in my head to be this monstrous person that I didn't want to be friends with. But now that I am clear minded about the situation and have put it in the past I just see it for what it was and see that she had no desire ever to be my friend and has not made an effort since as I have on many many occasions.

I think I'm not going to visit them. I think I'm just going to accept that nothing will ever be. I can't make her see the true intent of my heart and can't make her feel what I feel. I can't make her feel the hurt I felt when she did what she did to me. I can't make her feel the love I felt for her when I forgave her for it. I can't make her feel what she won't allow herself to feel.

I feel like I should go because it will be the last time I ever see her in this life. But I think it's better to just accept things as they are. Not waste my time anymore.

All of this is in the distant past now, but it all came up again as we were discussing meet up plans yesterday. But I think it's time to accept that I could give her the world and she would be cold and unreceptive. I think I'll just let it be. Leave it as it is, nothing more and nothing less. Let everyone be who they are. Just look forward. Focus on the people in my life who are receptive to what I have to give and offer. Not waste anymore time.

It's hard to accept this. But I know it will be better in the long run. And I still don't quite understand why it was so important to me. But for some reason it was extremely important to me that she and I be friends. I thinks it's because I knew if she allowed it, we could be great friends and accomplish great things together. I always thought she and I together could build a great and successful business. But for some reason she just won't let me in. And it is hard to accept that it will never be. but I will accept it. I will live the rest of my life without her in it. But I will always have that nagging at the back of my head. Even after she treated me so terribly, I still had that nagging because there is just some important reason why I should be friends with her. I think it will always be a struggle for me. It's like a death. I think that's what has been the hardest for me through all of it. I don't care anymore about the orders she failed to complete or the money she kept. It was her all along. It was losing her over that that hurt the most. It was grief that I felt and still feel. As if something died. Something I had worked so hard to nurture and care for. And it just died. It will just have to learn how to live with that grief. Because I can't keep "annoying" her with my attempts to be friends. It will just back fire in the end and result in something worse.

It just hurts. But going through the acceptance process will help it not to hurt anymore. Focusing my efforts on those who will receive it will help.

Just keep looking forward.

How I learned to overcome adversary by avoiding topical guided personal study on the subject

How I learned to overcome adversary by AVOIDING topical guided personal study.

 

 

In the past four or five years I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am my Grandma Ida's granddaughter. Through the help of my grandma Joyce, I learned that this means I am not vanilla flavor and not everyone is going to like me or what I say.

 

I am very direct, straight forward and matter of fact. This directness is not easy for some to receive because most people fall and want to land on a soft cloud bed with lovely smelling rose petals. But that never helped anyone learn anything from WHY they fell in the first place. So I prefer the "give it to me straight" approach. Don't butter me up. Won't learn anything like that.

 

So it isn't often I feel I have something poignant to share that is "soft" enough to be received well by large groups of people. But today, I think I have learned something that might benefit many. And so I would like to share.

 

For whatever reason, the Lord has seen fit that I should experience tremendous grief in my life through the form of death and illness of family and friends. Since I was 13 I have experienced the death of a loved one once a year, sometimes two or tree times in a year. There has not been a year free of this specific tragedy in my young life. And 13 and the rest of the adolescent years is too young to deal with such things. I have felt angry, frustrated, sad, bitter, confused and the worst feeling of all, in my opinion, is that I have felt nothing. Indifference.

 

I have also had the great fortune to deal with illness and betrayal in my life. Each of these experiences has brought with it doubt, fear, frustration, pain, hurt, etc. There were times when I didn't want a family for fear of losing them to death or illness and fear that I wouldn't be able to handle that. There have been times when I didn't want to be sealed for eternity to my family because of feelings of betrayal (to be clear and fair to my husband, it was not anything on his part, just in case your mind started wandering. He has been a true and faithful spouse and partner to me). There have been times, and still are times, when sitting through a talk or lesson in church on families being together forever is more than I can handle because my poor earthly brain cannot understand the beauty that is to come in the after life. In all of this grief and pain I did distance myself from the church and from my Savior because it felt easier to deal with. But in all of my grief, one thing was always certain in my mind: I knew that it would be far more challenging to return to the church when I got out of my funk than if I just attended in body. So I continued to go to church. After sacrament meeting I'd go find a nice cozy little corner in the mother's lounge and try my darndest to think positively.

 

See, the struggle for me was in the dealing of these feelings and how I went about it. I thought it would be a good idea to seek the counsel of my bishop. He did offer great counsel and solutions, but I have since found that this method wasn't for me. He referred me to several conference talks on the subject of families and the afterlife and also forgiveness. As I studied these things I found that I was able to connect with the counsel offered and found the words helpful. But it caused me to dwell on the issues more and more. As the thoughts started to enter in my head early in the day I would try to recall the counsel I had read in the talks. But that still was focusing on what had happened in my life. Then I would result to praying about the subject and asking for further help from the Lord. But again, that was devoting that time to that particular subject. Then I'd wait for my answers by either meditating or playing hymns on the piano. But I found myself playing the same hymns over and over: "I need thee every hour," "Abide with me, 'tis eventide," and others that just sent me into a sobbing blubbery mess as I was so consumed in this subject I was trying to deal with.

 

This would happen over and over again daily until I couldn't even function anymore. Every prayer offered, every book read, every thought produced in my head was focused around how to NOT think about what I was feeling anymore. When I finally got to the point where these things were eating away at my soul, I realized I had to take action. And my initial instinct was to go about my life as if these events in my life hadn't taken place. So I started by thinking about what my life was like on the "good days" or before these things had happened. And all I could think of was how devoted I was to daily prayer and scripture study. I decided I needed to continue doing that without focusing on what I was thinking about that day.

 

I just started at the beginning. 1 Nephi, chapter 1 and then the monthly Ensign magazine. This is always a good place to start because you start to find things you are interested in and you find topics that you are interested in learning more about that enrich your life and your family. Doing this made me stronger as I was, once again, developing a relationship with my Savior through learning more about Him, his life and his counsel. This strength that I was developing helped me on my "bad days." No matter how strong you are, though, the bad days always come. The wind still blows the strongest tree.

 

Of course, the sadness in my life did not go away and I still have to deal with it. And it does come up in topics in my personal study. But when it comes up naturally in my study and not because I sought it out, I have found I am more able to soak up the guidance I am receiving and apply it more affectively to my life. See, when I am in a blubbering stupor and throwing a temper tantrum while trying to receive answers while dealing with grief,  it is very difficult, even impossible, to receive any kind of spiritual promptings while feeling that way. But when the subject of death, betrayal and forgiveness came up naturally as just the next topic in study, my mind was not so consumed with the subject and my mind was healthy and able to take in and accept the messages I was reading.

 

To sum things up, I think I would just say that I think the most important thing we can do to remain strong when dealing with the adversary is to continue nurturing a relationship with the Lord through personal study. Don't just seek out the counsel you need when you are in the moment. If you devote time each day to personal study, you will learn a great deal over time and when the moment comes when you have to deal with thoughts, feelings and events, you will already be prepared because you already learned and obtained the tools necessary to deal with those things while you were in your right mind and in a healthy place.

 

 I think the most important thing we can do to help us overcome our funks and be masters of our own minds is to just continue to study and learn. It doesn't matter the topic. If we are devoting time to study on a daily basis, those topics that you do need to focus on receiving guidance for WILL come up and you will be given those opportunities to learn and grow. But if you're in a bad place right now, just read about anything.

 

I found that in reading about the Savior's life in the midst of my deepest moments, my problems seemed small and insignificant. But when I focused my study time on the subject that was causing my grief, it made it seem like that issue was the only thing in the world. So focus your time on something else and you will soon see that the thing that consumed your every moment and being is nothing but a little blemish on your life's complexion. And then you will be able to deal with it. 

 

As a side note, one time in high school I was so sad about the passing of a friend from cancer. I was just so sad and couldn't think about anything else. And my brother told me to imagine a piece of string going around the earth. Large piece of string, right? Then he said that that string represents our entire lives and if he made a little pen mark on that string, that would represent my time here on earth. And these things that make us sad will be so insignificant when we continue our lives hereafter. So we need to not be consumed by it here so we can make it to that next step in our lives.

 

 Just go read and study anything. Not what you are sad about today. But something.

As a wise fish once said, "Just keep swimming."