It is Joshua's third birthday and I have found myself thinking about his grandfather, Bob Laymon. He passed away earlier this year, on January 2nd. I have never known such sadness in all my life. I have experienced a lot of tragedies in my life. When I was fourteen a very close friend died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. When I was seventeen another friend died of cancer. I have lost several friends since then; in one instance, they don't even know how or why. He just died one day at age 21. And another friend was alone and had a seizure. I have lost several grandparents as well (yes several. I know. I was a very confused kid. I couldn't figure out why other kids didn't have four grandpas)! But, the sadness I felt upon learning of my father-in-law's death was unlike anything I've ever experienced. My husband and I collapsed on the floor in tears holding each other and our son, Joshua. The physical and emotional pain was too much to bear. I can't imagine what it was like for Garren's mother or the family that was there with him. It was the kind of pain where you put your face in a pillow to muffle a scream but find yourself silent, mouth agape, face down in a wet pillow, barely breathing.
I often find myself driving down 220 South doing everyday things; grocery shopping; etc. And I am overcome with sadness as I recall the day we raced down 220 South in an effort to make the airport on time. We were trying to get to family as soon as possible. Every time I travel anywhere between the airport exit on Hershberger and the Wal-Mart near Tanglewood Mall I think about this unfortunate event. But, this past week I turned my focus. I began to think about my children as his grandchildren instead of focusing on the sadness.
When we arrived in California the funeral arrangements had already begun. He had passed away far from home on vacation and so it was thought that only family would be at the service. We couldn't have been more wrong. I had the privilege of playing the piano at the service and was able to be in the front of the room looking out on the congregation. And a congregation it was! People came from all over the state and all over the country. I was especially touched to see the hotel manager who tried to revive Bob had come to the funeral.
That hotel manager told Garren a story the night before the funeral that touched us all. He said that he had not been on good terms with his father and after the experience with Garren's father passing he decided he would make amends. My father-in law was doing good even in passing.
Recently, as my thoughts have turned, I have realized the awesome responsibility I now have as a parent to his grandchildren. Bob Laymon has made the Laymon name. When you hear the name Laymon you think of diligence, honesty, love, charity, etc. Now, let's forget Mrs. Laymon, because, let's face it, what is a man without his wife? I now have two of his grandchildren with the Laymon name and am responsible for instilling these qualities in them so the legacy Bob has created can be carried on.
I shared this quote with my mother-in-law after the passing of her mother and feel it applies here. It is not a direct quote from Charles Dickens, but reflects his view of life:
"In every life, no matter how full or empty one's purse, there is
tragedy. It is the one promise life always fulfills. Thus, happiness
is a gift, and the trick is not to expect it, but to delight in it
when it comes, and to add to other people's store of it. What happens
if, too early, we loose a parent? That party on whom rely for
only....everything. What did these people do when their families
shrank? They cried their tears. But then they did the vital thing,
they built a new family, person by person. They came to see that
family need not be defined merely as those with whom they share blood,
but as those for whom they would give their blood."
I have resolved to do something on behalf of Bob. It hurts Garren very much when I tell him that I don't want to even try being friends with some of his sisters because it takes too much effort. I feel sometimes like I have been trying to be their friends for 5 years now with little reciprocation. I have been very sad after trying very hard to create circumstances where we will all be together in an effort to get to know each other and become friends. I have organized parties and special events and gatherings and feel that I didn't get anywhere. If anything I feel I got farther away. But I am putting all that behind. Unfortunately, it has taken the death of my father-in-law to realize this. I am writing this in hopes that I can be of help to anyone else who might struggle with in-laws. So, inspired by this quote, I have resolved to do something that will help Bob's legacy live on instead of thwarting all his efforts and putting an end to everything he stood for. I now look at my children and his own children not as individuals, but as his legacy. In pictures, conversation, gathering and the like I now look at them and try to find and recognize bits and pieces of Bob: a smile, a mannerism of some sort, a comment, habits, etc. And when I see these things I will see that Bob still lives. He lives in his children, in his grandchildren. In doing this I don't have to be sad anymore. When I recognize a glimpse of Bob in his children and grandchildren I will be happy and delight in the moment and know that for that moment he lives. Because of this we all can still touch the lives of many just as he did. With the qualities taught to his children by him, they can all live as he did and touch the lives of so many. And in doing so Bob will live. And as Garren and I teach these things to our children, they will, in turn, teach their own children. In this effort, Bob will live on forever and touch the world, even in death.
I have been touched by his life. When he was alive I found several qualities in him that I admired and tried to adapt them to my own life. For example, I like his "matter of fact" attitude that Garren now has. Sometimes if I am struggling with going to church because of feeling bad for something I've done I think to myself, "So what? Go to church and feel bad for what you've done and move on and be useful." That attitude I adapted from him and it has changed my life. Yes, even something so small as that. . . There are many other things to that I have adapted to my life from him and I know Garren has many more. If we remember these things we have from him and make a point of living the way he did, I know we can multiply the number of lives touched. Think of all the people at that funeral and multiply by seven. That's a huge number. That number represents Bob life and means that he can live forever.
In doing this I hope to be a happier person, a more pleasant person to be around. Someone who is loving, charitable, and not easily bothered by frivolous matters. Someone like Bob.
Joshua enjoys coloring, cutting out shapes and using those to make cards to send to family. He made one for my father-in-law this time a year ago, right before his bypass. I wrote a little note in it as if I were Joshua. Joshua colored a picture of a heart for him and in the note I wrote something to the effect of "here is a new heart for you so you can feel better." I also told him about what was happening in Joshua's life: we were planting seeds in our garden, Joshua was using the toilet, and other things like that. We had also learned that Joshua's heart problem had resolved itself. I put that his heart was "fixed." Bob wrote Joshua a letter back. This is the letter:
"Joshua, 22 February 2009
Thank you for your wonderful letter. I enjoyed it very, very much. I asked my scribe/chauffer/cook to write this letter for me. She said, “NO!” That is why I am typing it. Yours must be very nice.
I liked your picture of a heart. I will say something to your mommy about teaching you art, but your picture was very good. I am sure you have natural talent.
I am glad your heart is all fixed. That will save you problems later. Grandpa’s heart is actually perfect. The doctor said that is a good thing. But, the tubes that bring the blood to the heart (some people call them “arteries”) are all plugged up. The doctor said that had something to do with eating pork pulled sandwiches and big wet burritos – but all I heard was blah, blah, blah. My scribe/chauffer/cook was listening closely to the doctor; I think; this may end up being a bad thing.
Learning to talk is so much fun. Please ask your mommy to teach you the word “Why?” It is a very useful word and can be used all the time. (And I mean ALL the time.) There are stories of your Aunt Jennie and Aunt Sharon being good users of the “why” word.
You are so lucky that your daddy is a lawyer. Ask him about something called “First Amendment Rights”. This will be useful when the bad people try to stop you from asking “why” one more time. It will also be very useful when you want to express yourself during sacrament meeting. From your letter, it sounds like you may need a good lawyer for that!
Now about the potty training. I am so glad that you went on the potty twice. That is very exciting. However, be careful. If you do this too often, the big people will take away your diapers. (I don’t know why – they just do!) It is really much easier to use the diaper. I mean – they don’t put those potty stops just any place, you know. It can be very annoying. Take it from your Grandpa – stay in the diapers as long as you can. No matter what they say, the big people will keep changing them. I am thinking of trying it when I get a little older.
Please tell me how your seeds turn out. Seeds are a lot of fun. Grandpa used to have fun with seeds until God sent a hail storm to Cheyenne. I will tell you about this when you are older.
I love you and miss you, too.
Love,
Grandpa Laymon"
That's Real Life, in Bob Laymon's Terms.
