Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Wrapping up the blog.

I thought I wanted to continue to use this blog to monitor progress. But, I think in light of recent events I would like to just wrap it up all together. Do take, though, to note that the things written here are not an accurate depiction of my life. They are merely a small moment of each day. And though small the moments were significant. And so I wrote it all out. All the moments of suffering. I did for the same reason anyone else would: no one wants to suffer alone. In short, this blog is mostly a depiction of my life when I am in a funk.

In wrapping things up, I want to acknowledge the tremendous blessing the gospel and love of Jesus Christ has been in my life and throughout this journey. I have been suffering for almost three years now. I have felt abandoned at times. But I have a greater understanding now of the Savior's plan for me and his timeline of events in my life. I have a greater understanding of the fact that healing doesn't occur in time, it occurs in events. And the healing is up to us because it happens when we respond to those events and situations we are placed in. I am grateful that even in my darkest time, I knew somewhere deep within myself that I could not abandon the faith and gospel I knew to be true, even if that meant spending all of church hiding in the mother's lounge. It wasn't easy. In fact, most of the time it was downright painful to sit through church and listen to instruction about thoughts and feelings I couldn't convince my mind and body to have toward the church or my family. But I knew it would be better for me to sit through it and suffer than to abandon it altogether.

There were so many times when I cried out in prayer saying, "I am ready to stop feeling this way! Take this pain away from me!!" And I completely understand why now. When I was feeling pain and anger towards my husband's sisters I had to really think hard about what I could love about them, how I could remain a sister to them in spite of what they did to me. And I did that! I found something redeeming and something to love about both of them. And I realize now how important that step was in my progress because I now see the event for what it was. And if I could see it without feeling guilt for my anger, see it without the sorrow of losing their friendship, see it as I do now there was no way I would have gone to the extent to learn and sway my in the direction of loving them. This is because the bottom line is that their behavior was deplorable and the fact that they have yet to accept responsibility for their actions is even worse. What they did was selfish and horrible and they are selfish and horrible because of those actions and subsequent inaction to accept responsibility. And creating a rival window treatments business? Well, they should be embarrassed. And keeping funds they didn't earn even if it was forgiven. . .  they should be embarrassed. What kind of people are they?! It's horrible and the example they are setting for the children in behaving this way in keeping unearned funds and creating rival window treatments businesses and never accepting responsibility for the pain and suffering they subjected me to is no example at all. I am the first to admit that I wasn't a good example either. But I accepted responsibility and have apologized profusely. They are cold unfeeling people. If I had to find redeeming qualities in their character with just the above in front of my eyes, it would have been impossible. So I understand now why the Lord wanted me to experience regret and guilt for the anger I felt toward them and the words said as a result. I understand why I needed to feel grief as if I had lost a friend in death. It was so that I could find something in them to be able to say with full honesty of heart that I love my sisters in law. They are children of Heavenly Father who have to wade through the sludge of this world just like me. We're on the same road hauling the same load. Above all, I have faith in them. I have faith that one day they will accept responsibility for their actions and make things right. This is why it is important for me to feel that love toward them. One day they will accept responsibility and will be brought to an understanding of the tremendous mental pain and physical pain they put me through. And when that day comes I want to be able to build on a new relationship from that moment of love and forgiveness. That can't happen if I don't already feel love for them as my sisters.

I am so grateful for the peace I have felt as a result of having the responsibility of constantly trying to repair this relationship lifted from me. I am grateful that I can finally say the facts without going into a downward spiral of shame for saying them out loud. I am so grateful I can finally say that what they did was horrible and not spin out of control feeling bad for saying something like that out loud. But it's the truth. It was a heinous crime against me, against their brother and against my .business. I can't tell you what it feels like to finally be able to say that unaccompanied by pain and negative thoughts. I can finally say that it is what it is. And there is nothing else attached to it. I count that a tender mercy from the Lord as the thoughts and feelings that normally accompanied such thoughts were often debilitating, even bad enough that I was hospitalized once for stroke symptoms.

The bottom line is that I am ready to have a friendship again based on pure love and good intentions as there are no residual feelings or thoughts associated with this incident anymore. I hope they will come to their senses quickly and accept responsibility. And if they don't, that's okay too. I love them enough to be able to build from where we are at. It's all. . .  good.

I wanted to wrap up this blog because it has been an attempt at finding someone out there that might feel similarly or understand what I have gone through. I just didn't want to be alone. But I realize now that I have not been alone. I have the company of the Savior, Jesus Christ. And that is all I need. So I am done with the blog for now. I may pick it up here and there to record significant subsequent events. But for now, I feel whole. I've also decided I am done with Facebook. I hadn't been on in weeks with marathon training. I went on the other day and it was just a narcissists play ground! Things just look different when you feel like a whole and complete person.

Good bye for now.

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