Motherhood: the lonliest job in the world

I am posting two posts today. The purpose of this journal is to be real with my self and face facts of life. I started the day with a post, hoping it would give me a focus and something to take my mind off my sadness. But, I am going to face it: today sucks! There. I said it. I feel so lonely and I just want to go home. There. I said it. I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone here to call anyone. There. I said it.

I think I speak on behalf of all mothers when I say: "Motherhood is the loneliest job in the world." Every pregnancy is unique. So right off the bat, no one really knows how you feel. My pregnancy was complicated by my EDS and it was the loneliest 9 months of my life. I went to doctors and specialists and no one knew what I was feeling and going through and so didn't know what to do to fix it.

Bankruptcy is booming right now. My husband works very long and late hours. He is a huge help when he is home--he is the help of ten men when he is home, but the reality is that I am with the kids most of the time and it is so hard. Motherhood is like that. The second you have a child you will never be alone again, yet being a mother is so lonely. I just wish I lived closer to my family. I hate going through this alone. I have been in my house for 5 weeks now! I've made attempts to get out, but something always comes up. I went out to Kroger the other night for milk, by myself. It was such a nice break--pathetic, I know. I love my children, but I just don't think I can do this. I know it isn't Garren's fault he works all the time, but now is the time that I need him home, while Miriam's so little, and he just can't do it. I asked him if i could go home for a while until Miriam gets bigger, for some help. But, he didn't want that. I don't want to either, but I can't be alone anymore. I just need to be with family.

I'm trying not to turn this into a pitty party, because that is not what this post is about. I know that people have it worse than I do.

I have a hard time fulfilling my church duties. After a day of taking care of the kids and dealing with my disorder, I am just beat by the time I put Joshua to bed at 7:30 pm. It's getting to be more humid here and it is killer on my joints. In fact, after sitting down to write this, I thought I had better not sit for too long or else my knees will get stiff and I won't be able to walk downstairs. Another reason I want to move back to Arizona: no humidity!! By 7:30 I am just done. I feel like I can't do anything else.

I don't expect anyone to fix it, or offer suggestions on what I can do that will help. I just needed to say some things out loud. I just needed to stop pretending that I am happy here. It has become more than I can handle to do it alone and pretend that I am happy here. I've always lived by the saying, "Fake it 'till you make it." So I have been pretending I love it here, hoping that eventually it would happen. But I can't do it anymore. I don't know what I was thinking when I moved here. My whole family lives so close to each other in Arizona. I just learned the other day that my older sister is buying a house just a mile from my parents. I am so happy for her, but I just sobbed when I got off the phone with her. I feel like the harder I try to get back there the further I get.

My family is a huge deal to me. For my entire life we have gotten together every Sunday night, extended family and all. And we spent every holiday together. My sibblings are the best. We all love each other and each other's spouses, except Ashley's. He's a pathetic excuse for a human being. J/K Ashley. Just seeing if your reading. haha. We are all very loyal to each other. When I had appendicitis my sister was on a plane out here before I even went into surgery. When my brother was having trouble caring for his cats because of his schedule I adopted one FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY! Then he got cancer and died. thanks a lot Neal. jk. And I love my little sister's out of the blue phone calls and hand made cards. That's just the type of family we are and that's how I want to raise my kids. Garren has a hard time understanding this because I don't think this type of loyalty exists amongst his sibblings. If it does, they haven't let me in on it. Don't get me wrong, the Laymon's are a terrific bunch of people and I am proud to be among them. But, I have seen some of them not talk to each other, or me for that matter, for years. What do they gain from that? It's so sad. I can't imagine not talking to Krista or Tim or acting like they don't exist. And that's why I want to be close to them. These are the type of people I want around for help and advice as I try to figure out this parenting thing.

I am not okay. I do not have a handle on things. Yesterday I didn't go to church and I had the best day. Again, don't get me wrong here. I know the church is true without a doubt. But, I don't like going to church. I don't like going and feeling bad for not doing my calling. There is just too much happening right now. The fact is that I am not okay, I do not have a handle on things and can not be alone anymore. I wish I had something worth while to say instead of these ramblings, but I don't. I am not coping with life well right now and that's the fact. That's the real life I need to face. The real life facts of my life. . . in Melissa Diane Laymon's terms.

P.S.This was very difficult for me to write. I have posted things in the past (and this post) in an effort to find that I am not the only one and hope to find support from others in having faced the fact that life is hard. Some people in my life like to read things I write looking for conversation fodder. They know who they are and they know I know their reading this, which is part of the reason it was difficult to write this--difficult because I know this person is going to call another and talk all about this post in a negative light. So here you go. Go make your phone call and talk away. Then get over it and try making yourself useful to those who might need help who are in your situation. Maybe try facing the fact that your lives aren't so together. Because if there is one thing I've learned in the past three posts in an effort to discover myself, it's that no matter how much you pretend you have it together, the writing is on the wall and everyone knows you don't.