but I'm going to let it all out. So watch out!!!!
I'm having one of those "I hate my life, I wish I were dead" days. And I've been having those a lot lately. I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to be with Garren anymore, I just want to go home and be with my family. I hate that I feel this way, but I do. After very nearly packing up my car this morning and driving home to AZ because I HATE IT HERE, I decided maybe I should talk to a doctor because these feelings MUST be PPD related. I was feeling so depressed this morning I almost just drove myself to the hospital. But, my doctor saw me immediately instead.
I have been going back and forth about anti-depressants for a while now: "Is her long term physical health more important or is my immediate mental health more important?" (Because I would have to stop breastfeeding).
So he gave me an anti-depressant, and now I don't know which is worse: these awful feelings and mood swings or feeling like a failure because I have to feed my child that dehydrated, chemically infused cow crap? Is it worse for me to have these bad days every once in a while or is it worse to feel like a failure every time I make my child a bottle for the next 39 weeks? I definitely think my immediate mental health is more important. I mean, I have the route I'm taking, the hotels I'm staying at along the way and all that stuff planned out to go home to AZ. All it's going to take is one more bad day. And since that is not good for my family I know I need to do the anti-depressant. I just really don't want to have to feed her formula. The idea of feeding her formula has me in tears.
I want to do absolutely 100% what is best for my babies and breastfeeding is the best thing for them. But, in my current situation, I think the anti-depressant might be more important than breast milk. I just don't know. I'm so torn. I'm also considering just taking the chance (the anti-depressant just hasn't been studied on nursing babies, but they do know that it does go to the breast milk) and maybe doing half formula half breast milk.
I feel like such a failure. And I'm really just hating life right now. I just want to disappear.
I was in the same boat when I had our 3rd child last Nov. I had the worst panic/anxiety attacks ever (I've had them all my life but they peaked when my last was born). I literally had her and drove to my family dr and bawled my eyes out in his exam room because I just couldn't take one more minute!! He put me on Paxil and I am nursing. He said that it hasn't been studied, and the only thing they say is it is safe, but it gets in the milk. Which my opinion (it may be wrong) is I don't really care if it gets in the milk because I'm on such a low dose and worst case scenario she gets some extra serotonin. For MY particular situation the pros of taking it outweighed the negative. I hated the idea of supplementing also, I've looked on the internet and no where it says anything bad. I've been nursing for 7 months and my baby is the happiest, best baby ever. YOUR health as the kids' mom needs to come first, don't feel guilty about that...(I did) if you don't take care of your health how can you expect to care for others?
ReplyDeleteAnd if you decide not to nurse its fine too :) We as mommies give ourselves more 'mommy guilt' than we need to! You're doing awesome, I hope you feel better soon! (hugs)
Lynette
i went through ppd after analee but we didn't realize it until after john was born (so i had it through his pregnancy and after). i ended up going on zoloft (well, technically it was the generic sertraline) and i still breastfed without any problem. but when it comes to formula i know how you feel. when i got pregnant with john my body just couldn't take it (recovering from pregnancy/labor, nursing, pregnant again) and i ended up switching her to formula. i didn't think it meant that much to me, but when i finally decided that's what i had to do i just cried and cried. i felt like i was being a bad mother, a failure. but my mom pointed out to me that my baby was hungry and i was feeding her, that's what a good mother does.
ReplyDeletebut with the ppd i have to admit i thought about leaving john and running to nebraska all the time. i cried all the time. everything was dark and sad. but with help from multiple sources (the Lord, other people and medication) i got through it. i went on it again for a little while after drake was born just in case (b/c having it once jumps the chances it'll happen again), but i'm off again. and while i'll probably have to come face to face with it again sometime, for now i've made it through. i never thought i would, it wasn't conceivable that it would ever end. but it did. i made it. it's possible.