"Conversion is a process, not an event. Conversion comes as a result of righteous efforts to follow the Savior. These efforts include exercising faith in Jesus Christ, repenting of sin, being baptized, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end in faith.
Although conversion is miraculous and life changing, it is a quiet miracle. Angelic visitations and other spectacular occurrences do not bring conversion. Even Alma, who saw an angel, became converted only after he ”fasted and prayed many days“ for a witness of the truth (Alma 5:46). And Paul, who saw the resurrected Savior, taught that ”no man can say that Jesus is the Lord, but by the Holy Ghost“ (1 Corinthians 12:3).
The Book of Mormon provides descriptions of people who are converted to the Lord:
They desire to do good. King Benjamin's people declared, ”The Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually“ (Mosiah 5:2). Alma spoke of people who ”could not look upon sin save it were with abhorrence“ (Alma 13:12)."
I really like it. I feel little things like this happening in my life, but I haven't felt rid of everything in my life to the point where I "have no more disposition to do evil." But as I have been training for my marathon, I have abandoned tv, facebook, chats, etc. I just don't have time for all that stuff anymore. and the other day I did turn on the tv and I found I was very sensitive to what was on there. Including commercials!
I do long for the feeling of no longer having a disposition toward evil, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. While I am at peace in my heart and my mind with my husband's family, everyone once in a while things creep into my mind. I haven't thought of them in days, maybe longer, but today for some reason I am haunted by the question: How can they continue to do nothing? I have done everything in my power to make things right and okay and they did, and continue to do, nothing. How can you just do nothing to try to make things right with someone you hurt? I may have said things, but they can choose to not be hurt by words. They acted, and I have to deal with the consequences of their actions against me. How can you be okay with that? How can you live with yourself knowing you did that to someone? It's like the saying, Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I may have said the words, but they threw the sticks and stones.
I don't know if having these thoughts and feelings disqualifies me for true conversion or if I can still have this and achieve that desire to sin no more even though I am haunted by the actions of my husband's sisters. I keep hoping one day this will happen to me and that it will be the remedy to preventing these thoughts and feelings from creeping in. But I just don't know. I wonder if they'll ever stop haunting me. And if so, do my hurt feelings mean I haven't truly converted to the ways of the Lord? My sincere desire is to become the person Heavenly Father wants me to be and to dedicate my life to his service. But how do I truly accomplish this when I can't control the thoughts in my mind which are sometimes focused on pain? How do I stop thinking about the pain so I can just think about my duties and responsibilities here?
I have no clue what I need or how to proceed, but I do feel little progresses each day. So I guess I'll just keep on keeping on. But I feel like I'm missing something, some key and essential point or tool that I just keep overlooking or passing by that is going to be the healing element in my life.
As I wrote that, I had the thought that I need to lose myself in service because if my mind is thinking about others it can't think about the pain. Inspiration? Perhaps. But I don't think you can go wrong with service. So tomorrow, I'll start planning for that action. My kids have a snow day tomorrow, so perhaps we'll plan something we can do together for someone. We could shovel the neighbors walkways, scrape ice off of cars, make cookies for an elderly couple across the street. . . I think this was inspired and is a good start. I'm so thankful for the gospel in my life. I feel so much better now. In just a matter of minutes.
How amazing that was! I feel like I had my "wrestle." I wrestled with my problems and expressed them out loud and the Lord whispered to me how I was to fix it. Amazing! God is good. I am so thankful. Tomorrow's going to be a good day! (or today, rather. It's 2:41 am. Spine pain keeps me awake late :( ).
You can't be right by doing wrong, and you can't be wrong doing right. Losing myself in service seems like a safe way to heal my mind from this pain. Can't go wrong there! I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost and the Love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for me. I know they desire for to feel and have this conversion as much as I do. And I am grateful they are pointing me in the right direction. Conversion is a process, not a single event. And I am on my way. On my journey. And I will persevere through those creeping painful memories and get passed them till my journey ends and the process of conversion is complete. In the strength of the Lord I can do all things.
No comments:
Post a Comment