When I receive the Ensign, a monthly publication from the church that includes uplifting and spiritual messages, I usually start in the back. If I start in the front I miss all the fun little stories and updates in the back. So today, I finally got around to opening it from the front :) The first presidency message was on Service!
Earlier this week I had been wondering if I would qualify for the blessings of peace and finally feel that "conversion" moment where I would be free of anger and not desire to do evil anymore. I wondered if I was on the right track or if I was doing things for the right reasons. When I read this ensign article I became overwhelmed with joy and emotion! I got to this paragraph and knew I was on the right track!
"One of the assurances that you are being purified is an increasing desire to serve others for the Savior. Home teaching and visiting teaching become more of a joy and less of a chore. You find yourself volunteering more often in a local school or helping care for the poor in your community. Even though you may have little money to give to those who have less, you wish you had more so that you could give more (see Mosiah 4:24). You find yourself eager to serve your children and to show them how to serve others."
Oh the joy I felt at this message! Not only am I on the right track but I am moving forward! I feel good sometimes and feel like I'm on the right track, but I wonder if I am moving, making progress. And after reading this I truly feel like I am leaping forward to that moment that I so desire. As I wrote my post earlier this week and mid post received the inspiration to perform a service for someone, I had no clue what it really meant. I thought Heavenly Father was just blessing me with a distraction. But now I realize that it is a significant event in my healing. And then yesterday when I was finally prompted with a way to make Mother's For Service work! I know that was yet another significant event! I made have been seeking a way to think of something else than my anxiety, but I did it prayerfully and alongside the Lord. And I think Heavenly Father knew and understood this and felt that I was ready to have another significant event to move forward toward my true conversion goal.
I am so grateful for this. As I am working on some things for the business right now I have some conference talks on about charity. And I have heard this several times: "Love shared is love multiplied." We are counseled to share the love of God when we have felt it in our own lives as a way of expressing gratitude. And I truly have felt his love as I continue to grow and improve.
I am in awe that He knows who I am. I am in awe that He can pay attention to our miniscule problems as though we are the only person he has to listen to. What love! Can you even imagine such love?
Friday, March 21, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Blog update!
I made lots of changes and updates to the blog because I've recently discovered that I have readers and followers. :) I didn't realize I did. I thought I was talking to myself. Which was fine. I mostly only used this blog to help me say things out loud so I could heal and change and grow. I also wanted to record life changing experiences and events. Not necessarily for people to read. But since people do read, I've added some tabs for you to get some back story if you feel lost and to learn more about me and why my family and faith is so important to me.
I will try to be conscious of the fact that people do read this, but the reality of this blog is that I use it to try to improve myself and my life. And sometimes I fail miserably. And that isn't always fun to read. I'm also not always happy. I'm not always fun. And this isn't a family blog. I'm not always pleasant and I've been told I'm very direct. :) While these are things that come through in my writing, what I do strive for and aim for is positivity, improvement, love, generosity, improvement and the like.
I am trying to be the best person I can be, but I am also trying to deal and heal from experiences I have been through recently. You can check out the Melissa's Story tab for details on that if you'd like to be updated and brought up to speed on that because I refer to it a lot on the blog as I am still dealing with it and healing and growing from it.
If I do have readers, I hope to inspire. But I didn't even know I had readers, so welcome! But I hope someone will read this and see how I came out of a situation of betrayal and let it be the best things that happened to my spiritual life instead of letting it break me.
Happy reading.
I will try to be conscious of the fact that people do read this, but the reality of this blog is that I use it to try to improve myself and my life. And sometimes I fail miserably. And that isn't always fun to read. I'm also not always happy. I'm not always fun. And this isn't a family blog. I'm not always pleasant and I've been told I'm very direct. :) While these are things that come through in my writing, what I do strive for and aim for is positivity, improvement, love, generosity, improvement and the like.
I am trying to be the best person I can be, but I am also trying to deal and heal from experiences I have been through recently. You can check out the Melissa's Story tab for details on that if you'd like to be updated and brought up to speed on that because I refer to it a lot on the blog as I am still dealing with it and healing and growing from it.
If I do have readers, I hope to inspire. But I didn't even know I had readers, so welcome! But I hope someone will read this and see how I came out of a situation of betrayal and let it be the best things that happened to my spiritual life instead of letting it break me.
Happy reading.
This blog is about making my own path through the guidance of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
The flu!
The flu has struck our house! Everyone is sick but me. I hope I don't get it. I am hoping my "extreme" marathon training has substantially improved my immune system. Plus, I kind of think my doTerra stuff is helping. I thought it would be interesting to try out, but I think it has made all the difference!
Well, I have added another thing to my plate. I know I have way too much going on right now to add another thing, but I think this will be good on so many levels. As a visit with my husband's sisters continues to get closer and more real, I have been having a great deal of anxiety. And when I felt inspire to serve as a way to combat that anxiety, I realized that service is something that needs to be a part of my regular life if I am going to be able to truly qualify for those that "conversion" I have been diligently seeking.
Allow me to clarify. I love my sisters in law very much. Each of them. I am at peace in my heart with each of them and long to have a good and healthy relationship with them. I am very much looking forward to this visit so we can start building a relationship on good face to face experiences since we haven't even seen each other since the incident happened. Through the love of Christ I have been able to heal and feel love for them again. I pray for them and pray for their health, safety and peace daily. I think of them often and think of good memories we have together. But everyone now and again a bad memory slips in and this is where I am currently struggling.
I said some really terrible things to and about them. I regret them and have apologized profusely. I continue to try to make things right by reaching out to connect in various ways, I continue to make them a part of my life by remembering their birthdays, etc. I try to live as thought nothing happened. But it did happen. They can choose to not be hurt by what I said, but they acted. And I continue to have to deal with their actions every day. They can choose to ignore me and forget or not be hurt by what I said, but I couldn't choose to ignore their actions. I had to fix their mistakes. I had to complete their orders. I had to find help to complete their orders. I had work on Christmas and Thanksgiving to complete their orders. This was something I couldn't escape. I couldn't turn of f the computer, ignore an email, ignore a text message. I had to do it all for them. And the fact that they never reached out to me to accept responsibility for their poor behavior while I still to this continue to apologize and make things right has made it very clear to me that they don't care about me at all. They ignore my attempts and continue to hurt me by their inactions. And they continued to act by making their own custom window treatments business which I found years after the fact on Linkedin. So I continue to suffer daily as a result of their actions while they can just go on with their lives choosing not to be hurt by what I said. (The way it came about, I think, is what hurts the most. I was thinking one night, how can innocently remind her that I am here and that I love her and care about her? I had learned of a new sewing venture she had undertaken and I did a search for her on LinkedIn so I could "endorse" her sewing skills as just a quiet reminder that I do love and care about her and think of her often. And then her window treatments business came it. I can't even describe to you what it felt like. I couldn't breathe. All the time I had spent to see and love her for the person she was felt completely undone because when I saw that I thought, "No human being could do this to another." and I felt like I couldn't see her as a human being anymore because she felt like a monster to me. But, again, in the strength of the Lord I came to quickly forgive as I did see her as a person. I did see that she was a flawed human being that clearly didn't understand what she was doing to me or selfishly didn't think about what something like that would do to me. And I did eventually grow to love her again as I had before). But as far as I am concerned, I will continue to love them, continue to pray for them and (here is where I am struggling) continue to make an attempt to reconnect in a healthy way.
So, here is why I am struggling with this. We are going to be visiting together next month. And I so badly want my kids to have a relationship with their cousins. And I am so looking forward to building on healthy experiences with my husband's sister. I have imagine us having a great time together. But here is my concern: Because of the inactions, and because of the nonattempts to rectify how they hurt me, and (coming back to the present) not acknowledging my attempt to connect has made it quite plain that they don't care about me. And that's fine. they don't have to care about me. But what I am wondering is should I leave it at that? Should I leave her alone during our visit because she doesn't have a desire to have a relationship with me? Or should I continue and be unwavering in my efforts to rectify this relationship and try to have good experiences with her that we can build on from there? I'm inclined to the latter only because I would do that no matter what. I would do whatever it takes to not have anyone have hurt feelings because of me, and to have a good relationship with her would just be amazing to me. But to have a relationship is a two way street and if she doesn't care about me, should I just leave her alone? It was clear with her rival window treatments business that she cares very little about my feelings. But I care about her. And I care about her family and her feelings and her life. So would it more caring of me to leave her alone and stop trying to develop a relationship that she doesn't want or doesn't care about? Or would it be better to continue trying and show her that there is something beneficial and healthy here? While my attempts are completely unselfish and have a desirable result where the family is concerned, is it more unselfish to just leave it since she clearly isn't in that frame of mind?
This is where the anxiety is. I am thinking of the visit wondering do I make an attempt to do things together with our kids? or do I just let our kids play together and I leave and go somewhere by myself to avoid making her feel obligated to have "moments" with me to build on? Then I ask the question, am I doing this so I can feel better? See, if I had good healthy moments to build on, I feel like I would have new memories to replace the old negative ones with that creep into my mind. So I am asking myself, is it selfish of me to desire these moments so that I can feel better? Is the truly unselfish thing to just live in my pain silently and leave her alone? Of course feeling better about the past is definitely a reason for desiring this visit with her. But I want to be sure that that isn't the only reason. Because then my desire for healthy interaction would quickly become unhealthy once the prior incident was rectified.
I don't know. I'm just haunted by the memories. When I go to my workroom, I am flooded with memories of the late nights spent suffering through the consequences of their choices and actions. But the thing that hurts the worst is when I am flooded with the good memories we had working together and how they threw that all away on a misunderstanding. The pain can be overwhelming sometimes.
Again, to be clear, I am quite at peace with them in my heart. And I truly love them. I care for them very much and wish I could be a part of their lives. But I am still haunted by memories. And I continue in learning how to deal with those memories and those feelings that creep in. But I truly believe as I work toward this "conversion" I so seek, just as Enos had his conversion, I do believe that I will be able to forget those memories and feelings and they will be as foreign to me as though they never happened. I have faith that that is the Lord's desire for me. And the other day he gave me the means whereby I might accomplish this: Service. So I have decided to try Mothers For Service again!
About six years ago, I started a group called mothers for service. We had two groups, group A and Group B. Group A would go serve while group B would watch this kids. We were to do this twice a month alternating group a and group b. This proved overwhelming. Even though we had all the group B moms there with group a and group b kids, there were just too many kids in one space. So I think we're going to try this again and have partners instead. We'll still have group a and group b, but one member of the partnership (partnership are based on location) will be partner A and one will be partner b. Then all the as will meet at the service location while all the bs watch the kids. So, in my case, I live down the street from another mom I know would be up for this and she has two kids. So I would only have a total of four kids in my house which is totally manageable. So we'll all team up and decide who will be a and who will be b. And then we will pick a day that works for "Feeding America" and make that our service day!
I think this will be an amazing thing and be the beginning of my "conversion" event as I close this chapter of my life and let that event be in the past. I think this will be what I need to forget the memories and feelings I had and be completely healthy! Then my relationship with my husband's sisters can be completely healthy. If they want it, that is.
As I wrote all that out, I kind of felt more inclined toward the first option: just leave her alone. I think as long as she cares so little for me, I can't work toward building a healthy relationship since I'm the only that wants it. I'll just be there and be available, but I think I should just do my own thing. That makes me very sad, but I feel that is the answer to my prayer concerning the visit. I'll continue to pray for and seek opportunities to have a healthy relationship with her, but I'll leave it up to her. It makes me sad because I then think of things like Home Remedy Designs and how am reminded how little she cares for me. And I think it will never happen. And that makes me so sad. But I think I have done all I can do. I have apologize profusely, always been the first to reach out with an email, always sought opportunities to show her I cared. I think for it to turn into a relationship I have to let her do something. It feels hopeless. But I think that is the answer to my prayer.
To be fair, she did send me the first email once. She asked me if she could make a skirt for Miriam. She never did. But she did make the attempt! She did write the first email! So I will hold on to that and hope that maybe somewhere in there she does care! I'll continue to hope, but I truly feel now that I just need to leave her alone. :*( I guess it's a good thing I'm running a marathon that weekend. Maybe I'll just spend the day before the marathon stretching and doing tempos. Then I won't ruin her visit with her brother. I'll just let it go. :( I think that's the most unselfish thing I could in this situation, and that is what I want to be. So even though it hurts me and makes me sad, I think that's what's best. I can't make her care. I can't make her see how much she hurt me. I can't make her do anything. So I will just leave her alone. :(
Well, I have added another thing to my plate. I know I have way too much going on right now to add another thing, but I think this will be good on so many levels. As a visit with my husband's sisters continues to get closer and more real, I have been having a great deal of anxiety. And when I felt inspire to serve as a way to combat that anxiety, I realized that service is something that needs to be a part of my regular life if I am going to be able to truly qualify for those that "conversion" I have been diligently seeking.
Allow me to clarify. I love my sisters in law very much. Each of them. I am at peace in my heart with each of them and long to have a good and healthy relationship with them. I am very much looking forward to this visit so we can start building a relationship on good face to face experiences since we haven't even seen each other since the incident happened. Through the love of Christ I have been able to heal and feel love for them again. I pray for them and pray for their health, safety and peace daily. I think of them often and think of good memories we have together. But everyone now and again a bad memory slips in and this is where I am currently struggling.
I said some really terrible things to and about them. I regret them and have apologized profusely. I continue to try to make things right by reaching out to connect in various ways, I continue to make them a part of my life by remembering their birthdays, etc. I try to live as thought nothing happened. But it did happen. They can choose to not be hurt by what I said, but they acted. And I continue to have to deal with their actions every day. They can choose to ignore me and forget or not be hurt by what I said, but I couldn't choose to ignore their actions. I had to fix their mistakes. I had to complete their orders. I had to find help to complete their orders. I had work on Christmas and Thanksgiving to complete their orders. This was something I couldn't escape. I couldn't turn of f the computer, ignore an email, ignore a text message. I had to do it all for them. And the fact that they never reached out to me to accept responsibility for their poor behavior while I still to this continue to apologize and make things right has made it very clear to me that they don't care about me at all. They ignore my attempts and continue to hurt me by their inactions. And they continued to act by making their own custom window treatments business which I found years after the fact on Linkedin. So I continue to suffer daily as a result of their actions while they can just go on with their lives choosing not to be hurt by what I said. (The way it came about, I think, is what hurts the most. I was thinking one night, how can innocently remind her that I am here and that I love her and care about her? I had learned of a new sewing venture she had undertaken and I did a search for her on LinkedIn so I could "endorse" her sewing skills as just a quiet reminder that I do love and care about her and think of her often. And then her window treatments business came it. I can't even describe to you what it felt like. I couldn't breathe. All the time I had spent to see and love her for the person she was felt completely undone because when I saw that I thought, "No human being could do this to another." and I felt like I couldn't see her as a human being anymore because she felt like a monster to me. But, again, in the strength of the Lord I came to quickly forgive as I did see her as a person. I did see that she was a flawed human being that clearly didn't understand what she was doing to me or selfishly didn't think about what something like that would do to me. And I did eventually grow to love her again as I had before). But as far as I am concerned, I will continue to love them, continue to pray for them and (here is where I am struggling) continue to make an attempt to reconnect in a healthy way.
So, here is why I am struggling with this. We are going to be visiting together next month. And I so badly want my kids to have a relationship with their cousins. And I am so looking forward to building on healthy experiences with my husband's sister. I have imagine us having a great time together. But here is my concern: Because of the inactions, and because of the nonattempts to rectify how they hurt me, and (coming back to the present) not acknowledging my attempt to connect has made it quite plain that they don't care about me. And that's fine. they don't have to care about me. But what I am wondering is should I leave it at that? Should I leave her alone during our visit because she doesn't have a desire to have a relationship with me? Or should I continue and be unwavering in my efforts to rectify this relationship and try to have good experiences with her that we can build on from there? I'm inclined to the latter only because I would do that no matter what. I would do whatever it takes to not have anyone have hurt feelings because of me, and to have a good relationship with her would just be amazing to me. But to have a relationship is a two way street and if she doesn't care about me, should I just leave her alone? It was clear with her rival window treatments business that she cares very little about my feelings. But I care about her. And I care about her family and her feelings and her life. So would it more caring of me to leave her alone and stop trying to develop a relationship that she doesn't want or doesn't care about? Or would it be better to continue trying and show her that there is something beneficial and healthy here? While my attempts are completely unselfish and have a desirable result where the family is concerned, is it more unselfish to just leave it since she clearly isn't in that frame of mind?
This is where the anxiety is. I am thinking of the visit wondering do I make an attempt to do things together with our kids? or do I just let our kids play together and I leave and go somewhere by myself to avoid making her feel obligated to have "moments" with me to build on? Then I ask the question, am I doing this so I can feel better? See, if I had good healthy moments to build on, I feel like I would have new memories to replace the old negative ones with that creep into my mind. So I am asking myself, is it selfish of me to desire these moments so that I can feel better? Is the truly unselfish thing to just live in my pain silently and leave her alone? Of course feeling better about the past is definitely a reason for desiring this visit with her. But I want to be sure that that isn't the only reason. Because then my desire for healthy interaction would quickly become unhealthy once the prior incident was rectified.
I don't know. I'm just haunted by the memories. When I go to my workroom, I am flooded with memories of the late nights spent suffering through the consequences of their choices and actions. But the thing that hurts the worst is when I am flooded with the good memories we had working together and how they threw that all away on a misunderstanding. The pain can be overwhelming sometimes.
Again, to be clear, I am quite at peace with them in my heart. And I truly love them. I care for them very much and wish I could be a part of their lives. But I am still haunted by memories. And I continue in learning how to deal with those memories and those feelings that creep in. But I truly believe as I work toward this "conversion" I so seek, just as Enos had his conversion, I do believe that I will be able to forget those memories and feelings and they will be as foreign to me as though they never happened. I have faith that that is the Lord's desire for me. And the other day he gave me the means whereby I might accomplish this: Service. So I have decided to try Mothers For Service again!
About six years ago, I started a group called mothers for service. We had two groups, group A and Group B. Group A would go serve while group B would watch this kids. We were to do this twice a month alternating group a and group b. This proved overwhelming. Even though we had all the group B moms there with group a and group b kids, there were just too many kids in one space. So I think we're going to try this again and have partners instead. We'll still have group a and group b, but one member of the partnership (partnership are based on location) will be partner A and one will be partner b. Then all the as will meet at the service location while all the bs watch the kids. So, in my case, I live down the street from another mom I know would be up for this and she has two kids. So I would only have a total of four kids in my house which is totally manageable. So we'll all team up and decide who will be a and who will be b. And then we will pick a day that works for "Feeding America" and make that our service day!
I think this will be an amazing thing and be the beginning of my "conversion" event as I close this chapter of my life and let that event be in the past. I think this will be what I need to forget the memories and feelings I had and be completely healthy! Then my relationship with my husband's sisters can be completely healthy. If they want it, that is.
As I wrote all that out, I kind of felt more inclined toward the first option: just leave her alone. I think as long as she cares so little for me, I can't work toward building a healthy relationship since I'm the only that wants it. I'll just be there and be available, but I think I should just do my own thing. That makes me very sad, but I feel that is the answer to my prayer concerning the visit. I'll continue to pray for and seek opportunities to have a healthy relationship with her, but I'll leave it up to her. It makes me sad because I then think of things like Home Remedy Designs and how am reminded how little she cares for me. And I think it will never happen. And that makes me so sad. But I think I have done all I can do. I have apologize profusely, always been the first to reach out with an email, always sought opportunities to show her I cared. I think for it to turn into a relationship I have to let her do something. It feels hopeless. But I think that is the answer to my prayer.
To be fair, she did send me the first email once. She asked me if she could make a skirt for Miriam. She never did. But she did make the attempt! She did write the first email! So I will hold on to that and hope that maybe somewhere in there she does care! I'll continue to hope, but I truly feel now that I just need to leave her alone. :*( I guess it's a good thing I'm running a marathon that weekend. Maybe I'll just spend the day before the marathon stretching and doing tempos. Then I won't ruin her visit with her brother. I'll just let it go. :( I think that's the most unselfish thing I could in this situation, and that is what I want to be. So even though it hurts me and makes me sad, I think that's what's best. I can't make her care. I can't make her see how much she hurt me. I can't make her do anything. So I will just leave her alone. :(
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Improving
Yesterday was great. I acted on my prompting. My kids had a snow day from school, so I asked them who they had been thinking about or missing or thinking might need to smile. They mentioned the name of a lady in our ward whose grandson died recently. We made her cupcakes and got her some tulips and took them over to her house in the afternoon. I truly do understand now that we make it so our minds are consumed in serving or thinking of others then we don't have any room left to be bogged down by other personal anxieties. After this experience, I feel like I am a little bit better and that I have improved that much more.
As I improve in my personal and spiritual life I can feel those thoughts that get me down creep in. And they are destructive. They have the potential to do significant damage to myself and to my family. But I am grateful for the inspiration I had that has supplied me with a tool to combat that destructive thoughts. I truly do feel that the Lord wants me to be happy and to not be bothered by things that were in the past and don't matter anymore.
I am scared about whether or not I will be able to combat what will be thrown my way as I continue to improve myself and continue to grow closer to my Savior. But I truly know now that in the strength of the Lord, I can do all things. There is no other way.
As I improve in my personal and spiritual life I can feel those thoughts that get me down creep in. And they are destructive. They have the potential to do significant damage to myself and to my family. But I am grateful for the inspiration I had that has supplied me with a tool to combat that destructive thoughts. I truly do feel that the Lord wants me to be happy and to not be bothered by things that were in the past and don't matter anymore.
I am scared about whether or not I will be able to combat what will be thrown my way as I continue to improve myself and continue to grow closer to my Savior. But I truly know now that in the strength of the Lord, I can do all things. There is no other way.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
You can't be right doing wrong, and you can't be wrong doing right.
I found this on lds.org today after I was researching more info on the book of Enos:
"Conversion is a process, not an event. Conversion comes as a result of righteous efforts to follow the Savior. These efforts include exercising faith in Jesus Christ, repenting of sin, being baptized, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end in faith.
"Conversion is a process, not an event. Conversion comes as a result of righteous efforts to follow the Savior. These efforts include exercising faith in Jesus Christ, repenting of sin, being baptized, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end in faith.
Although conversion is miraculous and life changing, it is a quiet miracle. Angelic visitations and other spectacular occurrences do not bring conversion. Even Alma, who saw an angel, became converted only after he ”fasted and prayed many days“ for a witness of the truth (Alma 5:46). And Paul, who saw the resurrected Savior, taught that ”no man can say that Jesus is the Lord, but by the Holy Ghost“ (1 Corinthians 12:3).
The Book of Mormon provides descriptions of people who are converted to the Lord:
They desire to do good. King Benjamin's people declared, ”The Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually“ (Mosiah 5:2). Alma spoke of people who ”could not look upon sin save it were with abhorrence“ (Alma 13:12)."
I really like it. I feel little things like this happening in my life, but I haven't felt rid of everything in my life to the point where I "have no more disposition to do evil." But as I have been training for my marathon, I have abandoned tv, facebook, chats, etc. I just don't have time for all that stuff anymore. and the other day I did turn on the tv and I found I was very sensitive to what was on there. Including commercials!
I do long for the feeling of no longer having a disposition toward evil, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. While I am at peace in my heart and my mind with my husband's family, everyone once in a while things creep into my mind. I haven't thought of them in days, maybe longer, but today for some reason I am haunted by the question: How can they continue to do nothing? I have done everything in my power to make things right and okay and they did, and continue to do, nothing. How can you just do nothing to try to make things right with someone you hurt? I may have said things, but they can choose to not be hurt by words. They acted, and I have to deal with the consequences of their actions against me. How can you be okay with that? How can you live with yourself knowing you did that to someone? It's like the saying, Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I may have said the words, but they threw the sticks and stones.
I don't know if having these thoughts and feelings disqualifies me for true conversion or if I can still have this and achieve that desire to sin no more even though I am haunted by the actions of my husband's sisters. I keep hoping one day this will happen to me and that it will be the remedy to preventing these thoughts and feelings from creeping in. But I just don't know. I wonder if they'll ever stop haunting me. And if so, do my hurt feelings mean I haven't truly converted to the ways of the Lord? My sincere desire is to become the person Heavenly Father wants me to be and to dedicate my life to his service. But how do I truly accomplish this when I can't control the thoughts in my mind which are sometimes focused on pain? How do I stop thinking about the pain so I can just think about my duties and responsibilities here?
I have no clue what I need or how to proceed, but I do feel little progresses each day. So I guess I'll just keep on keeping on. But I feel like I'm missing something, some key and essential point or tool that I just keep overlooking or passing by that is going to be the healing element in my life.
As I wrote that, I had the thought that I need to lose myself in service because if my mind is thinking about others it can't think about the pain. Inspiration? Perhaps. But I don't think you can go wrong with service. So tomorrow, I'll start planning for that action. My kids have a snow day tomorrow, so perhaps we'll plan something we can do together for someone. We could shovel the neighbors walkways, scrape ice off of cars, make cookies for an elderly couple across the street. . . I think this was inspired and is a good start. I'm so thankful for the gospel in my life. I feel so much better now. In just a matter of minutes.
How amazing that was! I feel like I had my "wrestle." I wrestled with my problems and expressed them out loud and the Lord whispered to me how I was to fix it. Amazing! God is good. I am so thankful. Tomorrow's going to be a good day! (or today, rather. It's 2:41 am. Spine pain keeps me awake late :( ).
You can't be right by doing wrong, and you can't be wrong doing right. Losing myself in service seems like a safe way to heal my mind from this pain. Can't go wrong there! I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost and the Love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for me. I know they desire for to feel and have this conversion as much as I do. And I am grateful they are pointing me in the right direction. Conversion is a process, not a single event. And I am on my way. On my journey. And I will persevere through those creeping painful memories and get passed them till my journey ends and the process of conversion is complete. In the strength of the Lord I can do all things.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Win or loose, we booze!
I have been resting from marathon training this weekend. I have been reading lots of dress patterns trying to decide to make for myself on Easter Sunday and I will be singing a solo in church on that day. I am also making Miriam's Easter dress, as I have every year since she was born. And Joshua was feeling left out, so I got a pattern for a vest and bow tie and will be making out of the same fabric as my dress.
My friend, Renee, will be playing her harp to accompany my solo. We are singing "Beautiful Savior." While practicing, someone at church pointed out to me that they use this song at the beginning of the movie frozen in another language. I have yet to see frozen, so I am unaware. I did youtube it, though. And it is fun. :) The last movie I saw was the Lego movie, which was so fun. I loved it. I think I loved it because I took my kids and they just loved it more than anything! It made it that much better!
I have devoted every minute that I have of my own to marathon training and haven't done Facebook, tv, movies or anything else. So I am a bit behind on popular culture. I only have two hours of my own every day before I start getting into my kids time. Then with the kids, between homework, piano, swim and gymnastics, well. . . to put it simply, I think I've overbooked us for the spring. Definitely not signing them up for ANYTHING this summer. Except piano. That's an ongoing thing. And both kids are taking to it surprisingly well. So I feel obligated to keep it up and not waste that precious time I have with them while they are still interested.
So, I've mostly been resting this weekend, trying to keep my movements minimal. And I can't stand it! I am a very busy person. I always have something going on. I thrive on chaos! In high school, I used to crochet under my desk because I couldn't focus on what the teacher was talking about if my hands weren't occupied at the same time. So rest and I have reacquainted ourselves this weekend and have come to the conclusion that we don't particularly care for each other. Sure, a hot bath with doterra essential oils and salts is nice, but in all honesty, I'd rather be running up a hill! I feel more accomplished after that than after a hot bath. ;)
Part of the reason I don't like sitting still is because my mind is always on hyper drive. It's an OCD thing. So if I don't have something forcing my mind to think about, like running or working with my hands, then my mind goes to not so good places. Today it went to grandma Ida. I confess, I still have her number in my phone and have dialed it once since she passed just to see what would happen. My mom and aunts didn't do a funeral for gram. Her life was very sad. She was never a happy person. She made choices and did things she had to live with for the rest of her life that made her sad. And her life with my grandpa was very sad. He was a diabetic and often had insulin fits. He fought in WWII and never talked to anyone about it. He would wake up at night screaming and not tell anyone why. Just a lot of sadness. I haven't experienced anything traumatic like that, but I do feel like a sad person, in general. Just because, for whatever reason, my mind always goes to sad places when I am not occupied or consumed in something else. Gram was pretty much always sad, but still went on, sort of a thing. I never knew she was sad until I experienced things in my life as an adult that made me sad and then I could recognize it in her. So she went on with her life and lived it the way she wanted, but I can see now the sadness she lived with in her heart and her mind. She always had this attitude about her that she was going to have a good time anyway.
She had renal failure the week my sister got married. She came home from the hospital a few hours into the wedding reception. haha! The reception was at her house. So I got out of my bridesmaid dress and into some shorts and a shirt and sat with her in her living room. We listed to the reception music and "Roll out the barrel" came on. She said, "Hey! That's my song!" She was so weak and could hardly move. Hardly talk. She was on so many drugs. She told me about she and Harold and how they made a "mistake." She cried. I could tell she was disappointed in herself. But then she said, "Well, win or lose, we booze!" And that was kind of her attitude on life. You make a mistake, feel bad about it for a second, then move on! Learn from it, then move on. Don't let it consume you to the point that you aren't a functional human being. And be happy! She always went on in spite of the pain of her choices or actions of others against her. The next day always came. And she faced it with a smile.
I find such joy and happiness knowing that tomorrow isn't written yet. What can I do tomorrow that will make me better than today? What will I do to teach, learn, inspire, improve? I may not teach, learn, inspire, or improve on anything tomorrow. I could lose. But I won't let that affect the next unwritten day. Win or lose, I'll. . . not booze, but find joy in the fact that the next day is unwritten. And while I may lose, I can try to win the next day. And that makes me excited. Even for a Monday!
My friend, Renee, will be playing her harp to accompany my solo. We are singing "Beautiful Savior." While practicing, someone at church pointed out to me that they use this song at the beginning of the movie frozen in another language. I have yet to see frozen, so I am unaware. I did youtube it, though. And it is fun. :) The last movie I saw was the Lego movie, which was so fun. I loved it. I think I loved it because I took my kids and they just loved it more than anything! It made it that much better!
I have devoted every minute that I have of my own to marathon training and haven't done Facebook, tv, movies or anything else. So I am a bit behind on popular culture. I only have two hours of my own every day before I start getting into my kids time. Then with the kids, between homework, piano, swim and gymnastics, well. . . to put it simply, I think I've overbooked us for the spring. Definitely not signing them up for ANYTHING this summer. Except piano. That's an ongoing thing. And both kids are taking to it surprisingly well. So I feel obligated to keep it up and not waste that precious time I have with them while they are still interested.
So, I've mostly been resting this weekend, trying to keep my movements minimal. And I can't stand it! I am a very busy person. I always have something going on. I thrive on chaos! In high school, I used to crochet under my desk because I couldn't focus on what the teacher was talking about if my hands weren't occupied at the same time. So rest and I have reacquainted ourselves this weekend and have come to the conclusion that we don't particularly care for each other. Sure, a hot bath with doterra essential oils and salts is nice, but in all honesty, I'd rather be running up a hill! I feel more accomplished after that than after a hot bath. ;)
Part of the reason I don't like sitting still is because my mind is always on hyper drive. It's an OCD thing. So if I don't have something forcing my mind to think about, like running or working with my hands, then my mind goes to not so good places. Today it went to grandma Ida. I confess, I still have her number in my phone and have dialed it once since she passed just to see what would happen. My mom and aunts didn't do a funeral for gram. Her life was very sad. She was never a happy person. She made choices and did things she had to live with for the rest of her life that made her sad. And her life with my grandpa was very sad. He was a diabetic and often had insulin fits. He fought in WWII and never talked to anyone about it. He would wake up at night screaming and not tell anyone why. Just a lot of sadness. I haven't experienced anything traumatic like that, but I do feel like a sad person, in general. Just because, for whatever reason, my mind always goes to sad places when I am not occupied or consumed in something else. Gram was pretty much always sad, but still went on, sort of a thing. I never knew she was sad until I experienced things in my life as an adult that made me sad and then I could recognize it in her. So she went on with her life and lived it the way she wanted, but I can see now the sadness she lived with in her heart and her mind. She always had this attitude about her that she was going to have a good time anyway.
She had renal failure the week my sister got married. She came home from the hospital a few hours into the wedding reception. haha! The reception was at her house. So I got out of my bridesmaid dress and into some shorts and a shirt and sat with her in her living room. We listed to the reception music and "Roll out the barrel" came on. She said, "Hey! That's my song!" She was so weak and could hardly move. Hardly talk. She was on so many drugs. She told me about she and Harold and how they made a "mistake." She cried. I could tell she was disappointed in herself. But then she said, "Well, win or lose, we booze!" And that was kind of her attitude on life. You make a mistake, feel bad about it for a second, then move on! Learn from it, then move on. Don't let it consume you to the point that you aren't a functional human being. And be happy! She always went on in spite of the pain of her choices or actions of others against her. The next day always came. And she faced it with a smile.
I find such joy and happiness knowing that tomorrow isn't written yet. What can I do tomorrow that will make me better than today? What will I do to teach, learn, inspire, improve? I may not teach, learn, inspire, or improve on anything tomorrow. I could lose. But I won't let that affect the next unwritten day. Win or lose, I'll. . . not booze, but find joy in the fact that the next day is unwritten. And while I may lose, I can try to win the next day. And that makes me excited. Even for a Monday!
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