A brutal 9 months ahead.

Hello, readers.

Each day is a new day full of self discovery and progress. I have been sharing some extremely personal thoughts and feelings with you. I have been and still am very ashamed and emberrassed at some of the thoughts and feelings I allowed myself to feel toward my husband's family. But I am here today to write to you and share my thoughts and feelings that I have today. They are vastly different from those of one month again when I began my journey to heal which were full of anger and hatred. My opinions of them pretty much stand. But I have been able to have my opinions and disociate them with negative thoughts and feelings. I still they think they were wrong, that they cheated me, that they are abominably selfish. But I am able to set that aside and not think of them at all. I used to think about that and be filled with anger and hatred. It used to consume my mind. But In the past four days this is what I have been thinking about:

* My children and what I will read with them or what science experiements we will do together, our favorite activities.
*My husband and what he will think of the condition of the house when he gets home from work ;)
*My calling in the church and how I can be better at it.
*My calling as a visiting teacher and what my visiting teachees need.
*My business, my clients, my work schedule.
*My mom and how she feels today.
*My dad and if he is over his cold.
*My sister and how she is handling her separation from her husband
*My nieces and nephews.
*Baking
*Disneyland
*My sisters wedding
*A trip out of the country
*My friends here in Roanoke and how I can be a better friend to them.
*My friend and the loss of her baby and what I can do to make her days a little happier



This is a huge difference from that of a month ago:

*I hope I don't see them post anything on FB today because seeing their pictures will just make me sad.
*I wonder if my husband even knows how I feel.
*How do I make them realize what they did to me and how it made me feel rather then them seeing their own idea of how they would have reacted or how it would have made them feel?
*How do I get them to realize that they were wrong?
*It is not okay.
*What they did was wrong, hurtful and hateful and they should know that and acknowledge it instead of pretending nothing is wrong.
*I will never leave my children alone with any of them ever again because I don't want their selfish and hateful influence on them.
*How do I tell them that keeping money for work they didn't do is stealing?
*How do I make them realize I am their sister and they comitted a haneous crime?
*How do I avoid the next visit from my MIL so that she can't treat my children like animals by not letting them touch anything on the table and listening to her lie to my face?

I felt this way every single day for 372 days. One if not all (and even more) of these thoughts went through my head every single day of my life. It killed my soul, my spirit and my marriage.

I have been able to dig up that dead part of myself and make room for new growth. With the help of the Bishop, prayer, The Miracle Of Forgiveness and above all the Lord's Atonement I have learned how to accept these things and be able to have these opinions without it taking over my life. I learned how to truly forgive and how what I thought was forgiveness was not. We naturally try to forgive other by making them into something they aren't. It is easier for us to forgive others if we think of them as great people who would sacrifice for you or come through for you or other glorifying characteristics. But through the book The Miracle of Forgiveness I have learned how to see them for who they truly are and not be angered by it, not let the negative thoughts and feelings an biterness consume my life. And now that I have this objective outlook I am able to not only see their bad (which is all I could see before) but see the good in them as well.

Forgiving the way I used to, by glorifying a person to make it easier to forgive, I allowed myself to let them into my life allowing for the potential for more aches and pains because of them. But truly forgiving them to where I make decision regarding them without feeling hatred or bitterness, I am able to make smart and wise decision that will benefit my self and my family and put me in a position where they can be hurtful toward me and cheat me. It hasn't been easy seeing it objectively. As I said, it's so much easier to see it when you make someone out to be a saint in your head just to try to forgive them. But when I truly look at things without feelings of anger or hatred I can see the cheating, stealing, lying and punishment that they will put not only on me but on others when things get bad. and I can't have that in my life. It hurts so bad because I do want them to be a part of life, but I just can't allow myself to willingly accept hurt and pain. Doing that destroyed my family this past year.

I had to accept that I couldn't let their toxic and infectious selfishness destroy my family anymore. I made this decision a month ago and with the help of the Atoneing sacrifice of Jesus Christ I have been able to rebuild my family. My marriage has been better than ever! (at least I think so. . . .I don't know how my husband feels. . . ). My children have been behaving better than ever. It hurts sometimes to think that I had to remove family that I loved so much from my life to make this happen. But through the Atonement I have been able to see clearly and make good and healthy decisions that are right and good for my family without feeling the pain that was inflicted on me by selfishness. I have gone days at a time without feeling bad or thinking bad thoughts.

I tried for an entire year to get to this point by myself, with a therapist and with many many anti depresents. But all I needed was to use the Atonement which is there for us to use in situations like these. I have been able to completely cast out any and all negative thoughts and feelings when they creep into my mind. Last month I had only a tiny glimmer of hope. But now it is more than hope. It is knowledge. Knowledge that the if they don't come to me and apologize for their wrong doings and accept that they stole from their own sister I know the Savior will make up for that.



I am heading into a very difficult 9 months of my life. It will be difficult, painful and I will need lots of help and support. But with a clear mind and healthy thoughts and focussing on dedicating my every moment and every thought and feeling I have to the Lord and progress in his church I know I can do this. As I have cast out all the negative feelings in my life I have made room for the Savior. And I have never felt him closer than I do now. I know he will carry me through this journey and that it will be through Him that I help and inspire others to be strong, faithful and diligent no matter what wrong is done to them or what wrong they have done.

August 1 is coming up quickly!!! I hope smoothly too.