Progress

So the last thing I was focussing on was my marriage. I think driving across the country really helped with that. We had TONS of time together and basically rekindled. We drove across the country together after we had been married just a year and it was fun to recall the memories and how different that drive was from this one. The first drive was quick and uncomfortable. We were so poor that we couldn't stop to do anything, we had to make a certain number of miles a day so we wouldn't have to get an extra hotel the last night, we were in the truck and it was packed to the gills! This time we had two kids, we got to stop at places like the painted desert, we had the mini van and it was so comfortable. The kids were great and we had so much fun together.

I feel like I am in a good place to move on to the next phase of improvement. I think I need to figure out how not to be angry when they come up in conversations. I need to figure out how to not be filled with anger when he talks to his mom on the phone. Right now when I know he's talking to her I have to go hide somewhere and try not to think about it because all I can think about is how she treats my children like animals not letting them touch anything on the kitchen table and how she lies to my face to protect herself. I need to figure out how to be able to not think about anything when she calls or when anyone in his family calls because I can'te let my children see how I feel about them. My children need to develop their own relationships with his family unbiased from my own feelings and opinions.

I have no clue how to do this. I guess I can have a few things to turn to to think about. Perhaps I can pick three things to fall back on so when I start thinking about she moves all the dishes on the table to the far corner where my kids can't reach them maybe I can think of my marathon, my business, what book I am going to read with my kids next. Then I can replace the negative thoughts with something fruitful.

I think I will try that for this week and if it doesn't work I'll revisit the idea next week and see whatelse I can do.

This has been a tough journey. But I feel that progress is being made exponentially! I think I can be whole again. I wish they'd talk to me and acknowledge what they did. That would really speed up this process of healing. This has been so hard on my family. but I also believe progress is being made because of time.

Last year I didn't get to enjoy Christmas or Thanksgiving with my family. And I have now had both of those and have lots of memories and good times with family to replace that bad time with. I can never get those years back because of them. But I can use that experience to make each new holiday better and make the most of it. Even my birthday was hard. His sister wrote me an email and asked how my birthday was. I didn't respond because all I could think of was, "Well, it's the anniversary of the day you chose to follow your sister who makes lousy decisions and you chose to misunderstand something that was harmless, then chose to keep all my money for which you are being dishonest with your fellowman and shouldn't hold a temple recommend and then let your hurt feelings (which were hurt by your own misunderstandings) drive that bus right over my life! So, it was pretty good considering you didn't do that to me again." But I was overwhelmed by al the negative feelings thinking about what happened the year before. So it was a pretty crummy birthday. But I now have one more to replace the memories of that horrible year with. Just as I do a Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was so focussed on how she ruined my life for that year and didn't even think of how the upcoming years could be so sweet and cherished too.

Things are getting better with time as I make new memories to replace the old ones with. This marathon has been great. Garren is so supportive and that has helped me with my personal progress toward being a better person and wife. This marathon will be a life changing experience. I am grateful for my little family and all the support they give me as I work to improve myself for them.