I have had a lot of great experiences this week. I am finally getting the connections in my head that I have been wanting for so long. I think I am in the final phase of my "recovery."

I felt really good after having my experience with the atonement. I really felt like I could never feel sad about my husband's family again. But there were a few nights last week when I was just overcome wondering why I am the target for his sister that used to work for me.

Garren hates it when I talk to him about his family. Something happened last week, and it really wasn't a big deal, but it bothered me a tiny bit. He noticed and asked me what was up. But since he just shuts down when I bring up his family all I did was hand him my phone with this condescending email. He read it and said, "When stupid people open their mouths they regurgitate crap." And I think this made the ultimate connection that I needed. I definitely wasn't expecting it and never thought this would have been the problem. But this whole time it's been about Garren.

I kept wondering why these two people were having such a profound effect on my life. Especially because they don't add anything to my life, nor have they ever. They've never had any significance in my life. So finally in the middle of the night last week I was pinning some roman shades and just stopped, sat down on the stool at my work table, put my head in my hands and I prayed, "Why is this happening to me? Why are these two people having this dramatic of an effect on my life?" And I finally got my answer.

I have always felt that I have been second to Garren's family with him. I have always felt that he would choose them in a heart beat over me. The answer and connection I got to my prayer is that I have been trying so hard to win their love so that Garren would love me like he loves them and choose me first. I didn't even realize I was insecure about this. But last week when he made that comment after seeing his sister's condescending email I realized that he had picked me. Had he picked her he would have said, "Maybe she's having a bad day." But he didn't. He recognized without me even having to say anything that her email to me was intended to be condescending.

It got me thinking about the whole situation with his two sisters and how all this time he did pick me and he's been trying to tell me that, but I just kept convincing myself that he was on their side. But then I remembered the conversations we would have on those late nights when he would help with their work that they didn't do. I remembered how he told me exactly what he thought of them. How they were childish, unreliable, immature and just incapable of handling stressful situation like adults. I remembered all the things he had said to me that manifested the fact that he had picked me and he was supporting me and on my side.

I did it again last week. I went back hoping to win the friendship and love of one of his sisters. And I wondered, why am I setting myself up for this? She's ungrateful and only inflicts pain on my life. She has no other significance. And after talking about this with Garren he knows that they hurt me and explained that some people are hateful for no reason. And that I just shouldn't help her in anyway anymore even if I have the best of intentions and truly just want to help. They don't deserve it.

I talked to Garren a bit today and it was as if I was seeing things for the first time. I truly feel that he loves me and supports me. And he knows that while I did things and said things I am not proud of that I apologized and did what it takes to make it right. And he acknowledges that they have done nothing. And that they are lazy and will never do what it takes to make it right with me because they don't possess the maturity to do so.

He loves his family very much and I think part of me will always worry that when push comes to shove that he will pick them. But I feel a lot better today after seeing things in a new light. I see that he knows that when things get bad I'm the one that steps up to make it right. I'm the one that forgives. I'm the one that does all the work and does my darndest to what President Monson says, "We must develop the capacity to see men not as they are at present but as they may become." And they hold on to things forever and never make it right.

They did wrong by me, and have yet to fix it. But I don't need that anymore because I have my husband to back me up and support me and choose me.

I have wanted to move out to Arizona for so long now because I felt like I didn't have his support. I wanted to be in Arizona where i had my families support. But now I have finally realized that I do have his support. I have his love. And I don't need anything else! Today he told me he had a talk with his boss and it looked like it would be a long time before we'd get to move. Normally when he tells me that I burst into tears. And for the first time every in our marriage I didn't care. Because I am happy here, finally. I am happy and content with my life because I know now that I Have my husband's support. I know that he will pick me every time. And I know this because I am a good person. I will always do the right thing. And if I don't the first time I ackowledge that and make it up to the person. I have a huge heart and care for and love everyone. And that is why my husband will always choose me. Because I am the bigger person. I strive to do what it is right and do whatever it takes until it is made right.

I had no idea that all this time I was trying to make the wrong connection in my head. It used to give me migraines thinking so hard about it. I had no idea it had anything to do with my relationship with my husband. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father helped me to come to this realization. He helped me to realize why I kept going back to people who have done nothing but hurt me from day one. People that do things like leave me stranded in San Francisco. People that steal from me. People that can't be counted on and are unreliable and do white trash crap like throw eachother's stuff on other people's lawns. Or the way they call everyone in their family crying about everything instead of dealing with their own problems. Why would I keep going back there to that person who behaves so poorly and only in self interest? He helped me to make sense of all of that because it didn't make sense. Why would I Do that to myself? He helped me realize that it's because I was uselessly worrying that if my husband's family didn't like me that he wouldn't like me.

Nothing could be further from the truth. And I see that now. I am so grateful for these little revelations and for the timely manner in which they come. I think this "recovery" process needed to take these 5-6 months. If it had all happened at once it wouldn't have been the same. It testifies to me that Heavenly Father knows who I am as in individual and knows what I need to experience and feel to learn the most from my experiences. What a great blessing it has been to know where I can turn for peace and strength in my life.

I can finally live my life and be content without having to worry about my husband not liking me if his family doesn't. And finally I don't have to waste anymore of my life on those two that have only inflicted pain and misery on me. It's done. I truly feel that realizing that my husband picked me was the final chapter of this long long saga. And likewise realizing how much I love him.