Closing

I wanted to give myself a week before I officially considered this chapter of my life closed.

It has been a great week. I feel like I have rediscovered myself. It was especially apparent to me on maybe Monday or Tuesday. I started to see everyday things a little differently. I walked upstairs from my basement, which I do several times a day, but this time I looked around my house and started to feel a little pride. I wanted to keep in nice and do some work on my house and felt pride as a home owner. On another occasion I felt the urge to go hiking! I finally felt like a human being! I hadn't felt a desire to go out hiking or camping in a long time.

When you feel hatred toward someone it consumes you. If you have hate inside of you there is no room for anything else.

I felt hate toward my husband's two sisters because I felt that if his family didn't love me then he couldn't possibly. I wrote about this a little in my last post. When I had written about it I hadn't yet talked about my feelings with Garren. So I went to him and explained how I felt. He got huge eyes and said that was absurd. And I explained that I felt for a long time that he was on their side purely because they were his sisters. And he said to me that anyone who has every heard my story knows that they are the ones that were wrong. He explained the only thing they have against me is that I said stuff on FB. Anything I said to them did not justify their abominable behavior. And he reminded that Bishop wanted to contact his sister's bishop because she was clearly wrong but that we chose not to go that route because she doesn't posses the intellect to understand that what she did was a horrible thing and she does not and never will possess the brain power to understand the lasting affect her actions had on my family. Knowing that it is physically impossible for her to understand we decided to not inform the bishop. As for the other sister, the same thing applies. She does not possess any sort of brain power to understand the repercussions of her actions and decisions. Furthermore, they act out of spite and behave very childishly. He reminded me how I explained to them that people don't google "Red and Black" and expect to get a crossfit wristband, referring to their new business. People google wristband, find a source, then choose from the options. But they don't listen to anyone who knows what they are talking about. And even when they know the other person is right they behave childishly and do the opposite out of spite. Headed to a fourth failed business venture. Doesn't hurt me not to take the advice! And it was in reminding of that that Garren was able to clear my mind of its doubt. They truly don't know. I have to look at them like little children who don't understand things and you can't punish children for doing something that they didn't understand was wrong. And since they behave like children and don't have the brain power or intellect of an adult I have to look at the situation as though they are little children.

As for my husband, I have never been more confident. I always felt like he would choose his family over me in a heart beat whether they were right or wrong. And he made it very clear to me that he is with me. He did make it clear that he loves his family very much, but in this case, he was with me and abhors their actions and behavior toward me. I have never felt more confident in my marriage. Even all this time when he would tell me he was with me I just felt like he wasn't really. But now that I can see things more clearly I see that he has been with me the whole time. I feel like the hate made a cloud in my mind and that I can see clearly now that I have omitted it from my life.

And you know what? It's a beautiful world out there. I'm so glad to finally be rid of it. To live again. I can't say it enough. If you have hate in you there will not be any room for anything else.


It has taken me six months to complete this process. But now that I can look back on it I can see why it takes that long. I see that there are steps to this process and that it isn't something that can happen all at once. It is amazing how the Lord works and this experience is further testament that he knows me as an individual and that this process was specially designed for me, what I could tolerate and handle and what I needed to experience to grow and reach my full potential and to use the atonement to fullest extent for the first time in my life. What an amazing journey. I could have decided to dwell further in my hatred for them. But I didn't. That Sunday in November I stood in front of my congregation and announced that I was choosing my family, my Lord, my God. And sometimes I felt like it would be impossible to overcome. But I stuck with it and was determined and I have come to now where I feel like I can finally say that I am done. This chapter of life has been a significant one. In this one chapter of my life I have been at my absolute worst and at my best. I hope to only become better each day and with each new chapter.

But for now, I am done and I close this section of my life. I am putting it behind me. And for once I can truthfully say that I am grateful it happened. I think I am a better person than I have ever been in my life and I know it's because of the atonement of Jesus Christ. There is no other means on earth by which we can be made whole for the things we do to other people and the abominable wrong s they commit against us.