I have been having some pretty wicked postpartum depression these past few months. It's been very unpleasant, very hard. . . It is definitely hormonal and not emotional. I notice it after every time I feed Miriam. It's like my body goes into overdrive or something to produce more milk and then all the hormones make me unbalanced and that brings on the depression. It is physically a horrible feeling. For me it feels like a weight on my lungs and it feels like it is hard to breathe even though I am breathing normally. And It makes me want to do absolutely nothing. I turned off my cell phone for days, I deactivated my facebook and I didn't leave my house for long periods of time. I am still having trouble with it, but it doesn't feel quite as physically hard as it was before. It feels more like baby blues now that hard core depression. I do count myself lucky that it isn't so bad that I don't want anything to do with my children. It's just that I don't want anything else to do with anyone else in the whole world. But, one good thing did come from this; I learned a little more about myself.
I am a very anxious person and obsessive about some things (I have OCD). And I was always so focussed on making sure that I was getting out of the house and socializing with people and all that. . . and then I'd leave and spend the rest of the day going over every detail of whatever situation I was just in and replay everything in my head. It makes socializing very hard for me. But, I know it's important for Joshua and for me to avoid depression. So I always made sure to do it. But, ever since I got back from Arizona I haven't seen anyone! Or got together with anyone! And I feel the best I've felt in months! I guess I am introvert like that or something. And Joshua is introvert too. When I suggest playing with friends he always tells me he'd rather stay home. So I don't know how this will turn out. I might feel crazy next week after not hanging out with people and change my mind. But, for now, I've discovered that I am very happy to just be by myself.
I am getting together with friends three times this week. One to go strawberry picking, another for "kidswap" and I have play group at my house on Wednesday. But, while I am still struggling with PPD I am glad that the friends I will be with this week are ones that I am VERY comfortable with. What I mean by that is that I leave their presence and feel calm and relaxed and I don't replay our whole gathering in my head. I have some friends that I listen to talk about other people or even answer a phone call from someone and be one person on the phone and then hang up and act irritated with the person. Then I leave them wondering if they are talking about me the way I just listened to them talk about others, or do they hang up the phone after talking to me and roll their eyes and act irritated? And I beat myself up over stuff like that. But, the people I will be with this week I never leave them wondering those things. And that's what I need right now while I am struggling with this.
I don't need help right now. I did before I left for Arizona, but I don't feel that I need help right now. I don't need anyone to check up on me or anything. I feel like I have things under control. But, I am glad that I discovered that about myself and learned that it is okay to just be by myself. I have started cooking a lot and my garden is really taking off. So I am keeping busy. I get sad a lot when I am doing all of those things, but it isn't like before where I would turn off my phone, or close all the blinds in my house to make it dark and make it look like no one is home. Gosh, and as I am writing this I am realizing just how bad it all really was. Ugh. PPD is so awful. It's the worst depression I've ever felt in my life.
I reactivated my facebook and keep my phone on now because I am ready to join the world again! I got to the gym almost everyday because I need to do some hard core strength training--I have been dislocating A LOT lately and really need to strengthen the tissue and muscle around my joints. That's also good for Joshua to get interaction with other children since I don't hang out much with other people in the ward anymore. But, I am ready to function again. I am ready to be useful and affective again. I am ready to be happy again! I love my family and I want to be happy and pleasant for them.
I have Postpartum Depression--and that is real life in "Laymon's" terms.
i had ppd after each of the first two kids, after #3 they put me on meds before anything even happened. i know it's hard. it's the worst thing i've ever experienced. it's like you're not living, you're not controlling yourself. you don't interact with the world...like you're sitting behind your eyes watching yourself do thing...or realistically not do anything. it's very dark. i'm glad you're doing better. let me know if you ever want to talk.
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