To my family

Dear Family,

I have been struggling for a long time. This past week I have thought several times of calling on other for help, for prayers, etc. I have been dealing with a lot of emotional problems that stem from both family and health. On Thursday something else came up health wise and I just wished that I would go to sleep and not wake up because each day that I lie brings on more stress, more problems, etc. I was at a very low point.

Recently, in the past few months, I have also been at my lowest point in my marriage. I have been trying to hold my husband responsible for the actions of his family and also my own actions. Over a year ago two of his sisters kept funds for work they did not do in the amount of $1,440. In addition to cruel and hateful actions for which I retaliated with cruel and hateful remarks. One of his sister's and brother sent me hateful emails accusing me of things I had not done after hearing a very base and one sided story from their siblings. After sending my public apologies his sister went on to accuse me of not being sincere in my apologies which hurt me very badly. And even his mom would text him saying things about me that I couldn't help but think that my own mother would never say anything like that about my brother's wife to my brother. It was all a very horrible thing and terrible thing after which I did things I wasn't proud of. They hurt me and I wanted to hurt them with my words. I have been given a small talent wherein I can invoke a great deal of feeling and emotion and feeling through written word :) I wrote an email to one of his sisters for which I was very proud of at the time. It was very well written and, as I assume from her reaction, accomplished what I had set out to do and that was to invoke hurtful feelings. I have since apologized for my actions and made things right with them. They have not with me, though, and that has sent me in a downward spiral.

This past year I have had a lot of trouble accepting that they will never apologize for their actions. I have had a hard time looking at my husband as every time I do I think, "How can you be related to such horrible people that don't take responsibility for their actions?" And I have been punishing him for that for a year now.

Realizing how wrong I was for doing that I decided I just needed to get over it., move on. But for whatever reason, I just couldn't. I just couldn't let it go until they came to me and accepted responsibility. I did everything I could to move on: pretended it didn't happen, friended them on FB hoping that as time went on I would heal, sent gifts for various occasions, offered services in whatever capacity I was able, etc. And nothing helped.

This past week was rock bottom for me. With rising health concerns, being emotionally unavailable to my kids, hating my husband for absolutely nothing that he did, I realized that my life was unraveling and I was quickly losing control. With the mounting stress of work, housework, my marriage, my children, my health, I was overwhelmed. I laid in my bed and in silence stared at the ceiling and wondered why I couldn't just accept that what happened is a part of my life now and why I couldn't just let it go. Wondering, do I really need to face an eternity with this family who treats people this way? And wondering why I had to be the one suffering. They are over there having a great time with all my money and I am left here with all the hurt and pain. Why do I have to deal with this every day? Why do I have to deal with all these health problems on top of it all? Then it occured to me that God challenges us to see how we will respond. And he sends the greatest challenges to those who he has great plans for.

I spent a year of my life regressing and living in pure hatred. I lived at my own personal rock bottom for a year. I tried to go on faking it, though I know it was obvious some of the time. But realizing that this was a test I decided that if I am destined for great things then I had better get my life into shape.

I used to do really well for a while and then start to regress. I would then write out a plan: this is what I will do to make sure I pray every day. This is what I will do to avoid bad thoughts, etc. Yet, even with a written plan I seemed to falter. But I have had a life changing experience these past few days, the details of which I do not care to share here, as I have turned my life around. Through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ I have been made whole. I have been blessed with great peace that I thought would never be possible as long as I was married into their family. I have been blessed with peace and comfort and have truly been made whole. And it didn't require any of them coming to me and accepting responsibility for hurting me. It took faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ, and a willing heart to trust Him and trust in God's plan for me. And trust that He does have a plan for me!

That plan was made known to me this week. And I can tell you now, as unrealistic in today's world as it may seem, that I don't need to write out a plan. I don't need to have back up "just in case" thoughts to replace my bad feelings with. I have been witness to a great miracle and I am now devoted to a life of serving the Lord through my own life and that of my husband and children. This miracle that I have been witness to will be seen through my own family and be felt by those I come in contact with each day.

I don't need to write out a plan anymore. I know now that I cannot falter. I cannot give in to the bad feelings or the consequences will be disasterous. And to avoid that disaster I will remain steadfast and thinking always of this miracle that I have been blessed to witness.

I know that we can all have this change of heart if we put our trust in the Lord and realize that there is a plan for us here. It is not our responsibility to punish others and we do not need others to make us whole. We can made whole through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ. We do not need anything else. Only through Him are we able to erase everything that has been said to us or done against us. He is the only way. And I know there are times when it seems impossible. I felt that way two weeks ago and even went as far as to hide my Christus statue in a closet because I couldn't handle the guilt every time I looked at it. Turns out that even after hiding Him in a closet, Jesus and Heavenly Father will still know the true desires of your heart and they too desire for you to be happy and whole.

This life is not for us to seek out and find happiness. Happiness comes when we are engaged in the work that God has here for us to do. Our work here is not to go seeking out what makes us feel good and happy. But we can feel that way if we will trust that God will provide us with that blessing if we will just trust in Him.

I love you guys. You all are the most loyal people I've ever known. And I appreciate your love, your forgiveness and your tolerance with me as I am just a human being. I love you all no matter what. Mom, Dad, Cyndie, Neal, Krista, Ashley, Bryant, all of you! I love you very much. Oh and Garren and all the kids too. I love everyone. And I look forward to spending an eternity with you!

M.