It's just a freckle

It was never enough to tell myself that this pain just wasn't worth it. It was never enough to tell myself over and over again that it won't be like this forever. Nothing made the hurt go away. The bottom line is that the hurt will never go away so I have to learn how to live with it there.

I think about this sweet missionary boy in our area who was put up for adoption. He was the fifth child and his parents didn't think they could handle that so they put him up for adoption then later went on to have more children that they did not put up for adoption. He must feel so much pain from being one of eight children that they didn't want.

Pain is just a part of life. What I need to do now is to learn to live with it there, but not allow it to be the center of my life.

It's like death. Some people avoid thinking about the death of a loved one because it is too painful. They try to distract themselves or change the subject. But it's supposed to be there, supposed to be a part of our lives. And it isn't supposed to feel good. To know pleasure we must also know pain. Our family service day (Jan 2) is never easy. I usually spend most of the day crying inbetween performing service. But I understand that that is natural and it isn't supposed to feel good. Death is a very sad thing and it's supposed to sad. We're supposed to feel sad. So what I need to do now is to understand that this will always hurt and it is going to have to become a part of my life before I let it run my life.

I think the best way to do this is to just always look forward. Look toward the new possibilities. Just as life still continues after the stinging pain of death, great things can still happen to this family even after the pain of this event.

I gave this some thought after trying to write two more letters to my mother in law and sister in law. But I'm not quite past my anger and bitterness toward them yet so it was counterproductive. Their letters were short and along the lines of, "You're the most judgmental condescending person I've ever met." But no amount of me feeling hurt by their judgments and their condescensions and their lies is going to make them change or even apologize. And most of all, I know I've done the same to them. And I know I wouldn't want them to be angry with me forever. So I just need to accept that that is a part of my life. A mere blemish on the skin of life's complection. A small instance that will remain there, like a scar, but should not and will not dibilitate me.

I have a scar on my upper lip that I see every day of my life. It used to bother me after I first got it, but I don't even think about it anymore. That's what this needs to be. Just a scar. Yes, it did happen, and yes it hurts. And I'll see it all the time. But I don't need to relive every hurtful moment anymore. I just need to continue to be me. And this is a part of me now.

There have been a lot of things helping me to not feel the pain anymore. I have taken these past 5 months to really connect with my old self. I even went as far as just having my maiden name on my Facebook for a while. I just wanted to remember who I am. Since then I have been teaching my children how to draw and paint, sing and play the piano. I have been training for my half marathon in August and 10 K on March 16th! But I think I am most excited about my sisters wedding where I will be singing with my friend from the band Write This Down. I think performing is going to be the best thing to do to reconnect with myself and make me a whole person. Performing was a huge part of life until my second year of marriage when I had to be practical. Theater life wasn't conduscive to family life.

I have so much going for me in my life right now. Way too many good things to let this little blemish get me down. The business is expanding yet again. It has always grown rapidly from the beginning! I owe a big thank you to my dad, who is a very successful small business owner and to my business professor in college, Professor Allessey, who said anyone can own and operate their own business. You just have to sell what people are buying. He was the best. Best semester of my college career. He worked for free at the university because he made so much money off turning tanking businesses around into successful business. The year before I took a class from him he had just savedHewlett Packard. After my semester he said he wouldn't be returning for fall because he had to go save another business, though he couldn't tell us which one yet. I still wonder who it was. He was amazing. He'd say stuff like, "It's only Rocket Science." We continue to grow by leaps and bounds! And it is so fun to do with my family!

I'm ready to take this from being a cancerous tumor on my life to a mere freckle on my skin. I'm ready to live again. Bad memories an all. And with everyone. I am ready to stop hiding from everyone for fear I might have an outburst, or as Wordsworth puts it, "A spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings." I'm done hiding away trying to figure things out. I'm just going to go out and do and figure it out as it comes. Because if I don't go out and do something then all the sitting around planning how I'm going to react in situations will be fruitless since I will not be creating any situations. It's time to take a risk. Risk being hurt yet again. But in the grand scheme of things, it will just be a freckle. And a mere freckle? Well, that's worth a risk.