Service to the memory of Robert Glenn Laymon

Today is our family service day. It is the anniversary of the passing of garren's dad. We have dedicated jan 2 of every year to be a day of service to others to honor Glenn Laymon's  memory. (Unfortunately it's also a work day so Garren couldn't join us).

Garren's dad died while he was serving in the office of a bishop in the LDS church. Bishops in the church devote a lot of time to the sick and widowed to make sure they know they are loved and cared for.

We spent the morning making cookies. Then we filled several plates with cookies and wrote notes to each person. We delivered them to a home bound woman, a lady that has recently come home from the hospital after having a stroke, and two other home bound women one with dimentia and one with Alzheimer's.



After the last visit I buckled up Miriam in her car seat and she gave an outburst laugh suddenly. I looked at her and she said, "I'm happy!!!!"  

 We plan to do something every year that we know he would be doing if he were here still. Live on Glenn Laymon!!

Ghosts

There seem to be periods in life when things are either really good or really bad and it feels like there is not inbetween.

Christmas was really good this year! I had a great time with my family and just loved every second of it!

There is something I struggle with in my mind. Not often, but sometimes. Every once in a while. I miscarried a baby in between Joshua and Miriam. (I actually think I had two miscarriages, but one was for sure). My subconscious thinks I actually had that baby. The other night we stayed in a hotel and Miriam fell out of her bed. I told my husband I was going to make sure that "she" didn't fall out too. "She who?" He said. I tried to explain, "you know, what's her face. The other one. Our other kid." "We don't have another "she" kid other than Miriam." Then I fully wake up and realize, oh yah. We don't have other kids! Sometimes this is a relief :) But lately it's just been making me down right sad. It always happens in those groggy moments in the middle of the night. :(

That which doesn't kill you. . .

My mom and I started our blog to document our journey to overcome our physical disabilities and take charge of our own bodies before it takes charge of us. THe journey begins here in Chandler, Arizona and ends August 5th in Dublin, Ireland. The blog is

http://imadeotherplans.blogspot.com/

Please feel free to follow us as we grow through the trials and struggles of conquering our physical bodies and minds.

I called it I made other plans because EDS has a way of constantly reminding me its there and running my life. But I didn't plan to lay in bed on the heating pad all day! I made other plans!

So while I am sure I will wake up on the morning of the race and feel horrible with my usual EDS pains I will just have to remind myself that I made other plans for that day. :)

The bottom line is that I love them. And I loved them so much and that's why this hurts to this day. Because I loved them so much but they didn't love me at all. It hurts. They didn't care one bit about me. And all I did was take care of them because I loved them. It hurts. They don't love, they are hateful. Their actions were hateful and it hurts when you love someone and show them that by caring from them and they turn around and spit hatred all over you. It hurts. I think it will always hurt.

Acceptance and a move

Realizing that an apology for the closure I need isn't coming was a huge step for me. But since cutting that garbage out of my life there was a little piece of me that hoped they might get over themselves and acknowledge what pain they put me through. But it's time not only realize that its not in their nature, but to accept it and not allow myself to think that they might become like selfless example that their father was. I'm sending out their Christmas stuff today and then I can officially let them go.

Last week was dedicated to rebuilding my marriage, and, well, we'll have to start from the beginning again this week. There was a little hiccup with my husband and his stupid exgirlfriend.

I'm ready to completely remove all hope of them ever coming around. After I mail out thier gifts I am done. Forever. Never again will allow their slefishness and manipulitive nature in my life. They are nothing to me. No different from stranger on the street. I don't love them. I don't hate them. They are nothing in my life. Next time I write it will be as if they never were.

Ahhh! hahahaha!!!

I have nothing to say today except that freedom feels so great. I really am moving on to the point where these people mean nothing ot me. They are not a part of my life anymore. I don't think about them anymore. They are nothing to me.I am successful at focussing and progressing in other aspects of my life without their selfishness and mean words and complete lack of regard for other people to interfere with my life anymore.

I think had this experience never happened I don't know if I would have made the progress I've made this past week. I think I would have continued to grow strong in my faith, but this experience has opened a new door and shed new light in areas of the gospel I hadn't previously had experience with. And that is their purpose in my life. Now they've served their purpose and I can move on to the next life experience.

I think I can truly say I am grateful for the experience, now seeing how much progress I've made these past two weeks and having seen what truly matters because of this experience.

ummm. . .

I've continued to make progress in my personal life and see my entire life improve before my eyes. I am very happy about the decision I made. Until My husband said, "So, when are you going to be friends with my family again?" Seriously? When they acknowledge fault on their part and apologize for it. Until then I am done pretending that nothing happened just for the sake of keeping everyone together. And I don't have to. I don't have to pretend that they didn't hurt me in order to forgive them for what they did.

There is also an article in The Wall Street Journal called, "When Not to Forgive" that I am very much looking forward to reading.

Today I do feel hurt just because I have all those feelings again since Garren is hurrying me along to be friends with his family. But they probably don't even want that. I mean, if they did they would have apologized.

As for focussing on my marriage this week, everything has been going quite well. I am at the point right now where I have to consciousy do things like kiss him goodbye. I was to the point where that was not done out of habbit anymore. I have to consciously remind myself to tell him that I love him as that got out of habbit too. But things like this can become habbits again as I mean them sincerely. I think it will happen soon.

My personal goals are helping me to combat the negative thoughts. Thinking about when I will get my next run in, thinking about what I will cook for meals with and for my children, etc all consume my thoughts now instead of being foccussed on how to pretend everything is okay when it isn't.

I started reading The Miracle of Forgiveness, but put it down because this is a busy week with work. All the treatments for Christmas orders have to go out on Saturday. But I am looking forward to picking it up again.

I am recording this journey of healing because I need to keep myself in check and I need t see the progress I've made. As I write the events of the day, what I spent time thinking about and doing, I can consiously be aware of how I am spending my time and what I need to do differently tomorrow. Also, I see a huge difference between this blog post and the hurt and pain of my first one that I made when I began this journey of healing.

I hope I can inspire someone who is struggling with having been wronged by family that there is a way for you to forgive them without having to pretend that nothing happend. Family does not have to be a part of your life if they are toxic to it and your nuclear family and relationships. you can heal. There is a way.