Long journey

I began this morning with a prayer. It was very difficult as I have not done that in a long time. I felt a lot better after I did it and went straight into reading from The Miracle of Forgiveness, as recommended by a good friend experiencing something similar. I could tell right away this is going to be a long and difficult journey as each word, each action and every innaction came flooding to my mind.

I have hope, though. During this onslaught of horrible memories and feelings I was reminded that I overcame something with this same individual before. One of the individuals that I hired to work for me last year needed help once driving a van from Northern California to Southern Arizona. I offered and even paid for my plane ticket with my own expenses. She got mad at me and very childishly decided to have her dad do the drive with her leaving me stranded in California as my connecting ticket home was in Phoenix. If not for the good grace of my parents I would have been stuck there in California.

At such a thoughtless, selfish act I was certain I could never feel anything again for such a horrible human being. And, like the incident last year, she did this to me on my birthday in 2009. Horrible.

I was able to overcome this to the point that I took my son to her house so he could visit with his cousins and while in her home she brought up the incident and to my face called me "crazy" for feeling the way I did about how it all happened. It was brought up in the context of refferring to another family member and she said, "Remember last year when you did what you did and we all thought you were crazy? Well, she's crazier than that!" And I sat there, alone, in her home. No one to back me up, no one to defend me, and I took it. I took her verbal abuse and I let it slide just saying, "yah, I know." If I could overcome that, I have faith that I can overcome this.

Right now, as I am at the very beginning of this journey, I am very filled with anger and hatred as I do not understand any of it and why they have not made any attempt to ask for forgiveness on their part or acknowledge that they wronged me. After a year of waiting I have learned that I don't think that i could ever feel anything toward these people again, but I would like to get to the point of feeling nothing. Right now I feel anger and very strong hatred toward them as I think that people who can't acknowledge that they are wrong and refuse to correct their mistakes and do absolutely nothing except inflict pain and misery on others are horrible human beings and I have no desire to ever have any sort of relationship with them again. But I would like to get to the point of just thinking of them as people. Just another person. That is my goal. To get over this hatred toward them to the point of indifference.

I need to get to this point as this is severely affecting my marriage. The fact that I am sealed to these people for eternity makes my stomach turn.

I know that these people have good qualities and are good people. but for some reason, when it comes to me, and even other inlaws in the family, they mistreat us horribly. And to protect myself and my family I must remove them from my life. But since they are family and I cannot fully remove them from my life I must at least get to the point where I feel nothing. Just like with the incident where I was left on my own to figure out what I was going ot do in Northern California. I feel nothing about that now. I probably should have felt something about it, though. Maybe if I had rememebred those feelings I wouldn't ahve taken the chance of hiring her based on her previous childish behavior.

But that's done and gone now. I have hope that I will overcome this, but I am still feeling a little lost. I felt better as I prayed, but as I started reading The Miracle of Forgiveness I could feel just how strong satan's grasp is on me. He wants me to destroy my family and leave my husband over this. He wants me to continue to be distracted by these things that don't matter anymore.

Having made up my mind to not have them in my life was a huge healing step. I tried what the therapist told me and tried to live my life with them in it as if nothing had happened. But the bottom line is that something did happen. And I need to protect myself from their malicious ways and not let them be a part of my life anymore. I spent a lot of my time trying to make things right, apologizing profusely, even going as far as to get one of these individuals a modeling job with a photographer friend of mine. I have spent the last 6 months of my life trying so hard to get their approval back. But I never had it before. So instead of wasting my time trying to be accepted by these people, I'm going to focus my efforts elsewhere, on something that matters.

This is so hard. It consumes me. But this is it. I let it consume me this morning, but not anymore. I am going to go about my usual morning with Miriam. We'll probably go to a park or bake something. And usually I do that and am there on the outside, but on the inside I am twisted inside and can't wait until I can take a nap so that my mind will just turn off. But today I am going to be with my child in mind, body and spirit. She is here now and she is all that matters.

I have given in to the pain and anger this morning, but I will not anymore. When those thoughts, feelings and memories come back to my mind I will replace them by looking forward instead of backward. I will look forward to my next training session for my marathon. I will look forward to my next science experiment with Joshua (one of our favorite activities to do together). I will look forward to my next family gathering with a family unit that strives to love and support each other, not inflict pain and punishment on each other. I will now always look forward instead of backward, looking forward to the person I can become. The person I have it in me to become. I have the potential to be something great, an effective tool in the hands of the Lord. And as I strive to overcome satan who has his hooks in me so tight, I will find strength in my friends, my Butler family and draw from the strength of the prophets of the church by reading my scriptures daily to learn how each of them dealt with hurt and pain.

I think of Joseph Smith and all the wrong that was done to him and he remained faithful to the end. That is my goal. Oh how I wish I could ask him for advice, as I still don't know where to start with this. I do know that I can't continue doing what I was doing, so I have made some changes. I think I just need to give those changes time to take effect: praying daily, reading scriptures and other books from the prophets and thinking positive and purposeful thoughts.

I have never been a hateful person and I am disgusted with what I have become this year. My goal is to be better than I ever have been by this time next year. And I think the best place to start is with a prayer.



M.