Miracles

I woke up today free and unbound. Last night as I prayed I traded my shackles for freedom! Last night as I spent time pondering and praying it was made clear to me where to begin. In order to break the hold satan had my life I had to make a conscious decision. And I did. I choose eternal life. I choose my family. I choose God's plan. Making that choice brought me to the end of my dark days. I know that I will still have my moments and that there will not be happiness all the time. But where this matter is concerned, I am done feeling hatred, I am done feeling anger and I finally have peace in my heart and in my soul.

I know the adversary knew that yesterday was a changing day for me. The adversary worked very hard against me reminding me of everything. Reminding me of everytime a certain individual lied to my face to protect herself or even used my brother in law to spare herself or her children. Reminding me that no one has acknowledged that they did anything wrong or apologized. Reminding me that I did so much, sacrificed so much for them and they were only hurtful and hateful in return with only thought of themselves. And each time a thought like that entered my mind I would trade it for something else like thinking toward the future about what it will be like to run my marathon in Ireland. Or what it will be like to enjoy Christmas day with my children without having to think about when I can take a break to go do someone else's work. I think about next week and how it will be exponentially better than this one. I am slowly eliminating them from my consciousness and filling it with things that don't only exsist to cause me grief and pain.

I noticed these past two days that I finally find joy in things again. I started playing my harp again and am going to a "harp circle" (which is basically a harp "jam session" :)) tonight. I am looking forward to it as I have not played in so long. As I cooked for my family last night I found myself enjoying it as I used to. For the first time in a long time I wasn't spedning the entire meal making process thinking about when Garren would be home so I could disappear.

Having removed the toxic waste from life has been a big step. I have always thought that family is the most important thing and that you should do whatever is necessary to keep a family close and together, even if that means pretending they haven't scarred you for life. It's so difficult to pretend that when the actions they chose to make you know they would never make toward another human being, so why you, their sister? Why am I a target? It was extremely difficult for me this year to pretend that they hadn't done anything wrong. But after talking to my bishop on Sunday I realized that even though they are family they are also just people. And if they are going to cause me grief and pain that is hindering my personal spiritual progress then I have to get rid of it.

The closure I want will never come. I used to say "need" instead of want, but I realize now that with the help of the Lord I don't need it. They will never come out and say, "Melissa, I am sorry for asking my dad to drive the van instead and not talking to you about it first and then leacing you in California only to call your parents and have to ask them to fly you to Arizona to make your connecting flight." I have come to terms with the fact that I will never hear, "I know that I did not earn that money that I kept from you. I am sorry." Or "I am sorry for making your birthday a miserable experience." Or "I am sorry for bailing on you during your busiest season having full knowledge what I was doing and knowing it was your busiest time of year." Or "I'm sorry my actions made it so that you couldn't be with family over the holidays, missing your two year old's Chrsitmas, the one where she actually knows what's going on." Or "I'm sorry you had to do hours and hours of my work and I kept the money making it a win win for me and lose lose for you." Or from another individual, "I am sorry that I lied to your face saying and used my own son in law to protect myself." or "I'm sorry I lied to your face saying I couldn't come visit because my grandaughter needs help potty training." then when I brought it up lying to my face and saying, "Is she even potty training?"" I'M NOT STUPID! Or my personal favorite, "I promise to be there for everyone one of my grandchildren when they are born."  Or, "Sorry for sending you hate mail about something that wasn't any of my business and that I only heard one side of." Or sorry for sending out your email having ful knowledge that i sent out ten times more hateful emails and text messages." Or, "Sorry I told my sister to file a restaining order against you for one email because I KNOW that she has sent ten times more of that to you via email and text." Or how about "Sorry I ruined your life and ruined your marriage because I was SO SELFISH!" Or "sorry the promise I made to be there to help after each of my grandchildren are born doesn't include the ones you will have."

Okay, I am digressing, here. I made a lot of progress and then I let those feelings out just now. But I can control them. I just really want closure. But I know they can't bring themselves to do that. I took a page from my good friend Chris' book. He often asked for and always gave forgiveness willingly. I apologized profusely. Did everything inmy power to make amends. And they did absolutley nothing. Not even acknowledgment. And it would be really nice to have that closure. But it occured to me when I made the choice to choose my family and to choose God's plan I realized that by the same power that created earth I can learn true forgiveness and to forget. I know that I will eventually be able to do that.

In the strength of the Lord I can do all things. I know He can take this from me. I know He can make it so I don't even remember the things for which I think I need closure. I will forget the incident and eventually forget them and their selfish ways.

My goal today is make it through peacefully again. I want to keep that peace in my heart and keep a clear head. To do this I will again replace the bad feelings and memories with thoughts of looking forward. Forward to a life that doesn't include my painstaking efforts to be approved by them. A future that doesn't include my spending time thinking of how I can be of help and service to them knowing how it will end. A future that includes Garren, Joshua and Miriam only along with the support of my loving family who doesn't judge, who doesn't cast out and who supports us and stands by us even in our darkest moments. A family who will look at your wrong doings that you do publicly, on Facebook for example, and instead of being selfish and thinking about how those things make you feel, my family looks at them and says, "I think she needs help." and then they offer their full and healthy heart to mine which was broken to help me come back from my dark place. That is a family and that is the influence I want my children to learn from. not one that bails on you in your darkest times. Not one that will punish you for saying something out of hurt or stress. Punish you by sending back all your work and keeping the money for which you paid them all because something was misunderstood. My family stands by you even when you aren't 100%. and that is how I will raise my children. I will not raise them to walk away when they are feeling hurt.

I hear "you can't take back words" a lot. I will never teach my children that. Because it will only teach them to be hurt by the things people say and you can't do that. The things people say are influenced by so many factors and the person they are said to may not even be one of those factors. I will raise my children to be loving to all even if they have felt hurt.

That is what I am trying to accomplish here. I am trying to overcome my anger and hatred so I can teach them to love without being hypocritical. Having chose God's plan I feel the pathway to this will fall into place. And as I go through this day and am overwhelmed with negative thoughts and feelings I will just look forward. Look to the future when I will have adult children that love and support eachother because I was able to teach them that. I will ook forward to the future when I run my marathon. Doing something from beginning to end even though it's hard and everyone is against me because of my health.

I wish someone had taught certain individuals to see things through to the end that they agreed to even though it may be unpleasant. I hope my children will pick up on this as I train and run my marathon in Ireland so that they will never inflict the pain and my misery on another human being that has been inflicted on me by my own family.

Ugh, no more. Okay, looking forward. I will have a life free from the bounds and shackles of a selfish loveless family. I will teach my children to know and understand, "Yes, I will do that." and teach them how to hold to that even in difficult and unpleasant times. And I hope other people will teach their children that so that if my children ever agree to help someone and something is said they won't be left stranded in NORTHEN CALIFORNIA because of someone else's selfishness and complete lack of regard for the fact that everyone makes mistakes! and they are not perfect!

Okay, replacing that thought. . . .  I am closing my shop mid december and I am looking forward to having a clean house again. Oh a clean house, that is a pleasant and happy thought.

Negativity creeps into my mind, but I know if I can continue to have that unshakable faith that the Lord will take this from me I know I can forget it, forget them and live my life again in peace and hapiness as I was before I knew them. I will have complete peace and joy in my life again. I will love again. Because I choose eternal life with my family (Garren, Joshua and Miriam) through God's plan. I choose God.

And that is real life, in "Laymon's" terms.