Whoever you are.

Sunday was the beginning of this journey and I feel like a whole new person. On Sunday I had to provide the accompaniment in sacrament meeting. I looked out at everyone in the congregation during the passing of the sacrament and reflected on the past year.

This past year I have left many relief society lesson pertaining to the subjects of forgiveness and families being together forever. I have spent many Sundays hiding in the mothers lounge. I usually spend the bulk of the service texting my sister, Ashley. It's a weekly thing for us. We always talk on Sundays. She always awaits my texts and it is usually started by a simple "Happy Sunday!" Or Sunday text time!" I started volunteering in the primary to play the piano so that I could just be hidden away back there in the corner where no one could find me. This eventually led to my recent calling as primary pianist :). I started volunteering for that in August. It was an effort to not have to go hear the relief society lessons reminding me that I am sealed to people forever that I don't want to ever see again, let alone forever.

That reminds me of something my grandmother used to say. She has been married several times. She was sealed to her first husband and had my dad and my uncle in that marriage. When they got divorced she didn't want to break the seal because if you do that the children will go with the priesthood holder in the after life. But she also didn't necessarily want to be with my grandpa in the afterlife. She explained to me that God knows what happened in their marriage and will allow her to be with her children in the afterlife without having to be with my grandfather. That God would not inflict a punishment like that on her. And that has brought me peace in this ordeal.

Back to Sunday. So I was looking out at the congregation during the sacrament when everyone is quiet and pensive. I saw so much hurt and pain on everyone's faces. Yet there they were, ready to teach their lessons or fulfill whatever callings they had dispite their hardships. And that was when I decided I needed to pick up my slack. I then bore my testimony to the congregation for the first time in well over a year. I explained my feelings that I had suddenly been overcome with. And they were similar to this.

I have been harboring anger and hatred for over a year now. And it has hindered all spiritual progress in my life if not having also detiorated some of the spirituality that I did have. I am ready to give it up and to become a tool in the Lord's hands. I have no idea how to do that, but my faith and knowledge in the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ is enough to get me started. Because even though I don't know how to do it, I know that I can with the help of the Savior.

And to my readers, whomever you are, I want you to know that after this experience I have had this past year I know with a most resounding assurity and with every ouce of my being that there is no thing on earth that will help you overcome the grasp of Satan. There is not amount of medication, no amount of therapy that will help you move on. It is only through the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that we can overcome satan and overcome ourselves. If you were like me and felt this to be true but didn't know where to begin just begin. Doesn't matter where. For me it was baring my testimony. That lead to anenlightening and guiding conversation with the Bishop. Then prayer. It took probably two days for me to receive my true direction through prayer, but I knew it would come. And so I say to you, whomever you are, to just begin. Do something. If you don't know where to start don't sit around and wait to figure oit out. Just start and you will figure it out a long the way. The Lord will bless you with guidance as you make the decisions that will lead you toward the right path. I know because this is what has happened to me this week.

I truly feel like a new person and am so grateful for my knowledge of the truthfulness of this gospel and I am so grateful for the atoning sacrifice of the Savior.

I received a letter in the mail today from someone expressing appreciation for my "deomonstraton of faith and convicion." I have received several phone calls supporting me in my quest to return to the path of righteousness by removing the negative influences in my life. And I never even made it to primary on Sunday to play the piano (Thank you sister frederick for taking over) because I was stopped so many times in the hallway by people saying that I inspired them to overcome a grudge or negative thoughts and feelings they were harboring. Many people stopped me to tell me their stories and I have been so blessed to hear from so many people.

I think I was inspired on Sunday to get up and share my quest for righteousness through the use of the atonement with the congregation. I realize now that it was the benefit of everyone, not just me. It was the beginning of my being a tool in the Lord's hands. I am so grateful for this experience. It is truly life changing.

Reader, Trust in the Lord. Forgive and ask Frogiveness. The Lord will help you as you do so and will pave the way because it is the right thing to do. It is what He would have you do. And it can only be done through Him.

I have found myself again. My true self. My real self.

That's real life. . . . in "Laymon's" terms ;)


M.