Good day!

Today started off rather pooryl, but ended well. Miriam and Josh are gone in the mornings and as I went to the basement to work I was overcome with memories and bad feelings, as usually happens when I walk in my work room. But I remembered that I am in control of my own thoughts. I got a hold of myself and I think I have been praying for peace every minute of this day. At around mid morning I started to feel peaceful as I made great efforts to control myself and not allow satan to to convince me that I needed to dwell on the things of the past. I think what happens is that satan has me convinced that if I go over every detail in my head over and over I'll find the missing piece that will make what was done to me make sense.

I finally felt peace within myself. Peace that I haven't felt in over a year. It felt so nice. It felt like a cross between that scene in home alone when Kevin first realizes he's home alone and says, "I'm the man of the house!" and the scene in Mary Poppins when the dad gets fired from the bank and he laughs at them and says, "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!" and then says he is leaving to have a tea party on the ceiling.

I had such a clear head all day. I was amazed at how much work I get done when I have a clear head. Not only did I get two whole orders done for work, I also Completed one of my goals for the week and am well on my way to fulfilling the others.

As I have just returned to running I wasn't sure what to expect of myself. So I started on the eliptical before I move to "land." And I did four miles in under 45 minutes! Which I gave myself till Friday to do. I did not do a lick of excersize during our busy season with work, so I feel ggod about 10:30 m miles at this point.  And cooked hommade mac and cheese with my children! Of course, no meal making process is complete in our home without its little hiccups. In tonight's case it was Miriam throwing a gogurt wrapper in the oven while it was pre heating. Sometimes I wish I could go in their little minds and see what they are thinking before they do things like that. I'd really be interested to know.

 

When this day began, I prayed and still felt helpless. I felt like I wasn't going to make it through the day without having a complete meltdown. I should clarify that I am fine for the most part of the time. But as all of this happened a year ago and I am getting to do things with my kids that I didn't get to last year I am just now getting very overwhelmed with bad feelings. When I made Christmas ornaments with my kids last year, something I love to do every year, I was overcome with bad feeling hating them for making me have to do their work and miss out on my family traditions. But as the day went on my prayers for peace were answered and I as we went about our daily routine and did our usual things I had a clear mind and peace in my mind and heart instead of unrest.

 

Every year we help a family in need by being their "Santa." As we worked on our letter from Santa to the family today I was worried I Would think about last year and how I had to be rushed about it so I could get back to work. But instead I had peace in my mind and I enjoyed continuing our tradition. Our kids were so sad when we couldn't make our delivery tonight. They cried, but it just got to be too late. But we will tomorrow night.

 

I am grateful that I get to enjoy this holiday season with my family and enjoy it with peace in my heart instead of unrest.

 

I am learning how to get control back over my thoughts instead of letting satan control my emotions and encourage my feelings and thoughts to be negative. I still have work to do. Satan knows I am working very hard with the help of the atonement to overcome his influence over my thoughts and feelings and is trying to make me recall every bad feeling and every bad memory today. So I know I still have work to do and a long journey ahead of me. And I literally think I spent the majority of this day in prayer for strength to overcome his influence. But as I had that moment of peace I got a glimpse into how to control it. How to control myself. And now I just need to exercize that and make it stronger and stronger with every day.

 

I cannot even begin to express how wonderful it felt to gain contrtol of my life again. The peace felt so good to me because I literally have not had it in my life since before this all happened. It felt very foreign to me. I know there is hope. I had no clue where to start in the journey and I prayed for guidance. Today's sense of peace help me hear and listen to the spirit. And I believe the answer to my prayer of where to begin is to harness my own mind and be in control of my own thoughts. I think if I can do that I can eventually get to the point where I don't think about the things that happened every again. Then I can truly forget. Then the forgiveness will truly be complete. And I believe when the forgiveness in complete I will be at that peaceful point where I feel nothing. No pain, no anger, no frustration. No more dwelling trying to make sense of all of it.

 

I'm in a good place right now. I continue to exercize this control of myself every minute of the day and I will be stron again. I will be stronger than ever. I even hope to go back to the temple this month. I have not been since all this started. I think by the end of this month I will be ready to go back and do temple work again if I can keep up this peace and restraint.

 

My friend texted me this last night:

 

Whom I am is the possibility of being. . .

 

and you fill in the bank. Today I will fill it in with peaceful. Tomorrow. . . well, we'll see what new challenge comes my way. then.

 

Taking the second step in this long journey. With a smile and peace in my heart. Here I go!