Freedom! Finally!

I am returning to this blog for what it was originally intended for: as a way to monitor and track my goals.

I am registering in January to a marathon in Dublin, Ireland! And I began training on Wednesday of last week. The race is August 5th of next year. My friend, Adam, has been an inspiration to me. Recently diagnosed with an autimmune disease, he has still decided to run a race that his degenrating muscles are against doing.

Recently, he had asked if anyone wanted to join his team for a race in Vancouver. But the dates just didn't work out. I would really like to, at some point, run a marathon with him. We can scream, "Screw you!" to our disorders all the way!

Today was a changing day for me. I made a decision today. And I made it publicly so that I stick with it. Having made it publicly, some of my friends were worried that what I was talking about had to do with them. I can assure you all, dear friends, it had nothing to do with you. Unfortunately, it was family. Something happened last year with two members of my family. I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas with my families because of it, I was hospitalized in January for stroke symptoms because of it, and have spent thousands on therapy and medication. Yesterday was a very bad day for me. I was about to call it quits. I have been pretending, at the recommendation of my therapist, that everything is okay. I guess it's the "fake it till you make it" idea. I have been pretending that everything is okay, and it isn't. Today I sat on the stand at church and I looked out at the congregation during the sacrament and I saw so much pain and hurt on people's faces. I realized I was not the only one in the room who had been wronged by someone. Knowing some of these people personally, I also knew I was not the only one wronged by family. Yet, they were all still there at church. They all still taught their lessons and fulfilled their callings and duties. I realized at that moment that there is no amount of medication, no amount of therapy that will help me. I can't sit around and wait for a check for $1,339.47 anymore because it isn't coming. I can't sit around and wait for an apology, because it isn't coming. I can't sit around anymore and wait for acknowledgment that these individuals ruined my life and my family and my marriage for one whole year, because it isn't coming.

I have no idea how I am going to do this. I have no clue what the steps are. I wish there was a check list 1-10. But there isn't when it comes to trusting the Lord. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I have done everything outwardly: offered my forgiveness and asked forgiveness, patched up relationships, my business is thriving better than ever, etc. Everything is okay on the outside. But when I go to my basement to work I am flooded with memories. Memories of packages being returned. Memories of staying up all night, working through Thanksgiving and working on Christmas DAY instead of being with my family to fulfill what work they accepted to do and kept the funds I provided for them to do it with. And yesterday was one of those days. As I picked up a stapler that once belonged to one of these individuals I was filled with such anger and hatred. And I can't do that anymore because I know it is Satan. I know I have let Satan in and he is having a gggrrreeeaaattt time messing with me. He is loving it! He is the one destroying my life, my marriage and my family.

I have been saying for months that I am turning this over to the Lord, and for a good majority of the time I meant it. But, I know now, after yesterday, that I haven't even begun that long journey. I met with the bishop today to figure out how to get to that point. He asked me for the names and addresses of these individuals as he does not believe, after hearing of my struggles, that this individual should hold a temple recommend as she has not been honest with her fellow man and has not made any effort on her part to make ammends. I have done all the work. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't give it to him. Because I believe that in her heart she has distorted the situation so much that she truly believes there was nothing wrong with her behavior and keeping funds for work she didn't do and not even acknowledging fault, asking forgiveness or trying to make ammends. I truly believe she feels she is answering that quesiton honestly. So I told him no.

And now it is all up to me. No more waiting. No more pretending that I am not hurt by the significant pain they caused me. I was hurt. They did wrong. I did wrong as well but I have done everything in my power to make it right. They have done n.o.t.h.i.n.g. And that hurts.

I am done being hurt. I am done letting satan rule my mind and my feelings. I still don't know where to begin, but I feel like I have made a good start. I have removed the toxic waste from my life. I have started to pray again. And I will be asking my husband for a priesthood blessing to help me overcome satan and kick him out! And to then give me guidance as to how to feel again. I have been like stone for a year, not feeling. My husband and my children are the most important thing in my life and they are all that matter to me. I need to be emotionally available for them. I need to be an example. I need to overcome satan who is so much present in my life right now and I believe influencing some of my decisions.

No more waiting around. I'm done with all of this. I have no idea what to do next, but my knowledge of the Savior Jesus Christ and his atonement is enough to help me start. I will use his atoning sacrifice as it was meant for. I will not cary this alone. I have no clue how to turn something over to the Lord and put it in his hands. No clue. For a while there, I thought I was doing that. But I was not. I am ready to do that now. I am ready to be a servant to the Lord again. I have been on the receiving end of His grace this year as I have put my poor sweet husband through so much and He has blessed our family to be able to keep it together. It is time for me to be on the giving side now. Enough taking. I need to fix my mind, fix my spirit so I can return to being useful again. I am removing satan from my life and giving my life, mind and body to the Lord.

That leads me to my next announcement. To be completely focussed on dedicating my life to the service of God and building up his kingdom I have decided to stop working. Not entirely, but I am closing my Etsy shop. I will still have my website and blog, which both generate revenue, but the bulk of my work comes from Etsy and I will be closing that shop on December 17th. This will allow me the time I need each day to focus and meditate on what is important in life: My husband, my children and serving my community.

I am done being a tool of satan which causes problems and rifts in relationships. I am ready to be a tool for the Lord again and do what I love most: serving within my community and helping others.

Once I have my head on straight I hope to rekindle what might be left of our Mother's For Service Community Service Group. I know each of us have added several children to our brood since the last attempt, but I believe we can find something that will fit with our group.

My dear friends, you have been a strength to me this past year. You have been a comfort when I was in my "funk." You always offered kind words, comforting embrace and kindness even when you did not understand why. I love you all so much. I dedicate my marathon to you, my Roanoke/Salem Virginia friends who have stood by me this last year when I was so distant and had nothing to contribute to your lives. Being my friend was of no benefit to you this past year. But I promise to change that. I hope to be the friend that enriches your life. I hope to be to you now what you have been to me this past year. You all are so wonderful and I love you so much.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

Here I go.