Oh, What a beautiful morning. . .

Things are really starting to look up. I am enjoying this holiday season more than I ever thought I would. I took Miriam to meet Santa this morning. (Didn't get to do that last year. . .  thank you very much). She was ecstatic. She loved it! She was very verbal with him and had such a good time.
Last night when we did our Christmas family she was under the impression that we would be meeting up with Santa to give the presents to the family. When we didn't she was very disappointed. So I told her I would take her to meet Santa first thing!

I also went to my harp circle last night. It is so nice to find Joy in things again. We played Christmas music and we were actually quite good for just meeting for the first time. And some of us hadn't practiced. . . ;)

On Monday I also set up a play date for Miriam! I haven't done that, probably. . .  ever with her :( It feels good to feel alive again and have a clear head.

See, the problem has been that for the last year I have been focussed on keeping ties with family and being on good terms. My parents raised me to believe that family is family no matter what they do and what they say. So I have been trying so hard this past year to just keep it together. But the bishop finally brought me some relief on Sunday. I was explaining to him that I do hold their self righteousness and childishness completely responsible for my unstable marriage. But if I cut them out of it aren't I doing something wrong? Won't causing rifts in the family be worse than if I just try to deal with it inwardly and keep it all inside until I get over it? And he said, "Absolutely not! Not if their lies, deciet and dishonesty are causing your immediate family to suffer." And it was then that I felt the peace and freedom that I still feel now!

He explained that always being the first to make contact in situations like this is detrimental because they will just act like I am bothering them and then I will feel more devistation. Devastation because the purpose of the contact was to keep in touch and keep ties strong, but the result will be opposite. Not to mention the resentment I would feel at always being the one to make the attempt to keep ties strong.

I waited so long to talk to the bishop because he is so busy and I felt he wouldn't want to be bothered with my petty problems. But he helped me more in one meeting than months of seeing a counselor. I am grateful for him. And I am grateful to be me again! And realize that keeping the family together is not my job!If they want to be kept together they can suck it up and make ammends. Not really in their nature, though, so I'm not holding my breath.

This experience has made me appreciate my family so much more! I love my families "roll of the shoulders" attitude. It causes a lot less problems than when people take every. little. thing. personally and take offense to everything! My family has a lot less problems because of this. And because they have a basic understanding of human nature and are forgiving of people who make mistakes and understanding and try to help instead of try to destroy and destruct and leave a path of chaos because of selfishness.

I love my family. They are wonderful. Imperfect, yes. But our imperfections make us who we are. And I like who we are. I love that we are all accepting of ourselves and our own faults and shortcomings. I just love everything about my family.

I love you guys!